6. What If

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore girls…blah, blah, blah

A/N: thanks so much for the amazing reviews! I never expected such a great response to the last chapter I'm so happy! You're all too good to me!

Ok, I want to explain a thing about last chapter, (from my point of view) Jess did love Rory; he was trying to move on while he was with Marissa, that's why I wrote that he came back and asked Rory to come with him and when she said no, he finally let go and moved on, I know is a little low...using Marissa and everything, but please just remember Shane (no…Marissa is not the new Shane is just a comparison of the situation) so that's all, after all he did love her.

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She was lying in her bed two days after the 'event', thinking why he would do something like this, it wasn't a normal reaction to their situation, she thought he would break up with Marissa for her or that he would try hard to make things work this time…with her, but he didn't, he just left everything hanging, hundreds of questions in the air

She couldn't stop remember almost in a morbid way each minute, each second of that night with him, the precious night that she'll always remember, it was an image burned in her brain, and also in her body.

In intent to forget and forgive she decided to get a bath, to wash away all the marks in her body that remind her of his existence, because those past days she had barely left her bed, she wanted to look good or decent for her mother's arrival, she wasn't sure if it was that same day or the next one

The cold icy water was running through her pale skin trying to erase something inerasable from her system, her mind, her soul, but mostly from her heart and once again the events of the morning after their encounter filled her head

Flashback

The next morning, a knock on the apartment's door and the knob twisting, woke them up

Rory remained quiet with her back next to his warm body, trying hard not to picture the worst scenario, meaning Logan. Jess, on the other side was silently praying for not to be Marissa, even though he was an atheist. They heard light and insecure steps getting close to Jess's bed.

"…Jess" – Marissa was standing close enough to see Rory and Jess in a not appropriate way in the bed.

She was inert with a questioning look on her face, maybe she couldn't believe what her eyes were seeing, her skin turned paler and she looked gloomy. She left the apartment quietly; no yelling or scene.

Jess reacted a second later, he threw his jeans and t-shirt on and ran behind Marissa

Rory lay in his bed rethinking the whole situation, she screwed up this time; she was the responsible of this, nobody else but her would carry the guilt if Jess and Marissa broke up, she never meant for this to happened, it just…happened.

She got up and covered herself with his sheet, went as fast as she could to the kitchen and looked outside through the kitchen window. She saw Jess running up to Marissa, catching her before she get on his car. Rory could see Marissa's eyes, turning from bright green to a dark grey, maybe tears were forming behind her eyes, looking at Jess with…sympathy? Pain? Hate?

She saw Jess talking to Marissa, maybe rambling a million of reasons of why that had happened maybe regretting it all, she couldn't exactly tell. Marissa nodded and put her finger on his mouth trying to shut him up, she got in the car, and drove away.

Jess stayed in the middle of the street and watched her go back to New York, he slowly turn and walked to the diner.

Rory was in the kitchen when he appeared, he didn't seem mad or sad but it wasn't such a surprise to Rory, when it comes to emotion Jess is the best at hiding them.

"Um…was she…did she call you last night?" – Rory looked at him with pleading eyes 'say no…please say no', she repeated in her head over and over

"…I…I think you should go"- he said with an unusual harsh tone

Rory was taken aback, she felt a strange weigh on her chest, she was having trouble to breathe, she needed to get out of that apartment; that place was too small for both of them. She dressed quickly and turned to look at him, he was sitting in the kitchen with his head between his hands, she wanted so badly to go and talk to him, comfort him, touch him one more time. But she didn't, she couldn't do that after what happened, she suppressed the urge and went downstairs and exited the diner as quiet as possible.

End flashback

She was getting dressed when the phone rang interrupting her thoughts

"Hello"

"Hi, ace" – Logan caught right away her sad tone – "what's going on?"

"Um…nothing"

"Are you sure?"

"Yep…so why are you calling?"

"I was thinking that maybe instead of me going back, you come here and stay until the wedding" – He said trying to cheer her up

"Oh…I…I can't" – she said surprised at Logan's proposition

"Why not? I mean…I'm here, the wedding is going to be here, and don't you miss me?"

"Yes, I miss you, but I have some…um…things to take care here" – she wanted to talk to Jess, they couldn't leave things like they were

"Ok, then…but listen, I'm going to stay here anyways at least for a few weeks more but I really think there's no point of go back and after some months travel back here again"

"Fine, whatever…I'll travel…um a month or so before the wedding…ok?"

"Ok, talk to you soon, take care"

"Yeah…you too" – she hung up with one concern; why did Logan didn't want to come back? He was taking care of the whole wedding thing, but he couldn't possible be so interested, he wasn't Emily Gilmore after all. She dropped it, Logan was the faithful, the reliable, and he would never cheat. Not as her, she felt guilty. What would her grandparents say about this? How could she do something like this? How could she just jump into bed with her ex boyfriend, who (by the way) had a pretty, cool, fun and loveable girlfriend?

Then again something interrupted her thoughts, the door bell rang loudly, and she slowly walked to the main door

"How could you?"

"Marissa…I…"- Rory was surprised by the presence of Jess's girlfriend at her doorstep

"I can't believe you…I thought you were over whatever you two had…but no…I…I thought you were engaged or something, your mom told me about it…"- Marissa was rambling on and on

"I'm sorry! Ok?" – Rory sighed – "but…I…I didn't started it…and yes, I am engaged"

"Can't believe you…blaming him…that's so low, you should stay away from him"

"I didn't know he was your propriety"

"He is not, but he is my boyfriend and I'm not polygamous, I bet you would be mad if you knew that your fiancé is cheating on you!"

"None of your business"

"Well, Jess is my business…and I haven't spoken to him because of you! Can't face him after what I saw"

"That's not my problem, I think you should leave…now, you have no right to come and throw me all this shit"

"I am…I'm leaving, I…" – she looked at Rory with pleading and sad eyes –"Just stay away from him"

Marissa walked to Jess's car and left, Rory realized that she wasn't a mean girl, she was sad and hurt that was all.

She shut the door, and walked to the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror above the sink, she wasn't the same happy, naïve girl that she was 7 years ago. Now she was in this huge hole surrounded by elite people like her grandmother or her mother-in law to be. She looked skinnier, the spark was gone of her eyes, her skin was paler and she had bags under her eyes, she could stay like this, and she knew how to solve this problem, she was going to talk to him.

Rory walked through the darks and lonely streets later that night, rehearsing her speech; she liked things planned but especially with him, because his reaction was the decision of their future, if there was any.

She had in mind to say something as cheesy as "I'll stand here until I fill all your heart's desires", and after those words slip from her lips, he would kiss her and everything would be fine again

She continued walking toward the diner, and saw a soft light coming from the diner, even though the sing said "closed" she knew that the door was unlooked so she opened and entered slowly, the bell announce her entrance into the place

"We're closed" – he said with his back to her

"I…want…I need to talk to you" – she wasn't sure of what to say first, she was afraid of how he could react. He turned to face her and saw insecurity in her eyes, the insecurity that he had never seen before in her

"…sit…" – he served her a cup of coffee and continue his night chores

"I…"- she forgot all about her speech, who wouldn't? With his chocolate brown eyes and his sweet smell –"um…what happened? I mean with Marissa?

"We…we'll talk when I go back…" – he didn't looked at her –"she's not angry, if you want to know…I guess she's just upset…"

"Oh…she's being really…um…flexible about this, huh?"- She remembered the little fight that they had, but decided not to mention anything – "I…I…"

"What?" – He said a little bit annoyed maybe for her last comment about his girlfriend

"I…don't regret it"

He stared at her with a puzzled look and walking to the stairs said "I do…" and he disappear behind the curtain.

She remained in her seat like in a weird space, incoherent thoughts were running through her mind and something was blurring her vision, the weight on her chest was back, she felt a strong ache in her heart. She didn't notice the tears until they hit her hands, and felt them slightly wet "no, no, no, no…please…no!" she said over and over in an almost inaudibly whisper

She made her way home as best as she could, without even bother to turning the lights on, she went to her room and lay down on her bed crying, but no sound was coming out of her mouth, she felt trapped and lonely, she felt guilty and used by Jess. Could he do something like that? How could he be so cold? Didn't he……didn't he love her?

She didn't remember those sweet words coming out of his mouth, in her head all she could hear over and over was thousands of '…you're…beautiful' in a hoarsely voice. She fell asleep with all this thoughts in her head begging for an answer.

The next day, Lorelai's "oh, honey…" woke her immediately, she felt safer now that her mom was there to help her go through this.

Lorelai sat at the edge of the bed and looked at Rory with motherly eyes

"Good morning…are you ok?"

"Yes mom, why?"

"Cause your eyes are red, and swollen…you don't look ok"

"Well…I am"- she said smiling weakly – "so did you and Luke had a good time?"

"Yeah, we did, Luke just left to the diner"- Lorelai stared at Rory and notice that she was avoiding her eyes –"Rory is obvious you're not ok-"

"I am"- she cut her off

"Oh, ok"- Lorelai could see something disturbing the normal peace of Rory so she breathed and asked –"so…how's Jess?"

She didn't answered immediately, she looked at Lorelai and said –"…Why don't you ask him? …Why should I know?"

"Ok then, what happened?"

"Nothing happened, ok!"- She said sitting up

"Then why are you so freaked out?"

"I…I just…I'm not freaking out…can you go please? I need to get dressed"

"Yeah…sure"- Lorelai knew, she always knew when something wasn't right, so she took her purse and walked to the diner. The bell sounded loudly and everyone turned around, Luke stopped immediately in his way to the store room

"What did you do to her?"- Lorelai said to Jess that was standing behind the counter

"Excuse me?"

"I asked you a question, smart-ass!"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"You do know, don't come with that shit with me…I have a crushed kid in my house and I need to know why!"

"Why don't you ask her? Huh? Is that hard to do? Is she mute or something?"- He snapped, he was tired of being the bad boy who broke the little town princess heart; he wasn't that guy anymore. He disappeared behind the curtain

Lorelai left the diner feeling stupid for pulling out such a huge scene for nothing, she walked back to her home and found Rory in the same place as she left her

"Rory…why don't you tell me what happened? I just yelled at him and is the first time I felt it wasn't right"

"I…I just…"- she started to cry again, this was so much strong than her, so much bigger – "I slept with him"

"I'm sorry…what?"- She asked sitting next to Rory

"I…slept…"- she repeated slowly

"I heard, I just can't believe it…oh Rory"

"I know…"

"What did he said? I mean, you're crying so something else happened…or did he hurt you…cause if he did…"

"No mom, he didn't…he said…he said he regret it…"

"Oh sweetie I'm so sorry……what about Marissa?"

"I…don't know…I don't want to know" – tears were now freely running down her checks

"I know this isn't good timing…but, why did you?" – Lorelai needed to understand this time; she just couldn't let this slip by

"I guess I really wanted to"- Rory said hesitating

"You just wanted to? Like meaningless sex? Cause you could've told me, there are a lot of guys that you can pay for-"

"No…mom, ew…he started it you know…"

"Why didn't you push away? You could have…right?"

"Mom…"

"I just need to know, after all you have a fiancé and you're not supposed to do this…I'm trying to help you Ror"

Rory was afraid of admitting the reason of her behavior, of her constants headaches when his name came up, of her jealousy towards Marissa, and the awkwardness between them

"C'mon Rory…tell me"

"I…I…"- she sighed – "I still love him"

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in you life.

A/N: I finished this really late at night so, yes it probably has grammar and spelling mistakes. Is not as good as I wanted to be, but at least it works for now. I hadn't updated in so much time because I had some studying to do, anyways here's the new chapter! Yay! Once again: You read it, you review it…common courtesy