First Intermission
Part 1: TEC and the X-Nauts
Within the reaches of a high tech laboratory fortress in an unknown location, two uniformed soldiers had entered the door of the boss's office, forcibly escorting their prisoner with them: a young blonde-haired woman wearing a golden crown and a flowing regal pink dress. The two soldiers, members of the army of soldiers known as "X-Nauts" that accosted Edd and Nazz at Rogueport Harbor, gave their customary salute by crossing their arms in the shape of an X, matching their uniforms. While the woman stood noticeably taller than the soldiers, she did not dare to escape, uncertain of what they might do to her. Also in the room, standing off to the side and observing, was their lieutenant, who stood noticeably taller than the grunt soldiers but almost the same height as the young woman. He wore a purple headband as opposed to traditional headgear.
"O great, exalted Grodus!" spoke the lead X-Naut. "We have brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!"
The woman, Princess Peach, stood nervously as she was about to come face to face with their leader.
"Excellent, X-Nauts Johnson and Rawlings," came the low-pitched voice of the X-Naut commander. "Well, well, well, my pet… Isn't it about time you told us where the Magical Map is?"
Princess Peach gasped as the source of the voice turned around to face her: a tall figure, carrying a silver, high-tech scepter adorned with a mechanical orb on its tip, wearing regal king's robes that also bore the X symbol, and sporting a large, mechanical, apparently artificial head.
Sir Grodus is the fearsome leader of the X-Nauts. His ultimate goal is to gather the Crystal Stars and open the Thousand-Year Door to claim the legendary treasure for himself. He presents a calm attitude most of the time to mask his insanity. He doesn't really care for anyone other than himself, looking down on his soldiers and even Lord Crump as inferiors. He can utilize magic through technology and his scepter.
"Princess Peach. You WILL speak when you are spoken to," he demanded, in the same calm, menacing voice.
"I'm telling you, I don't know," quavered the princess fearfully.
"There's no point in trying to hide it, silly girl," Grodus continued. "We know you had it last. We KNOW this. Trust me when I say that it would most certainly be in your best interest to be completely honest with us. For I assure you, we X-Nauts are not all sunshine and rainbows and lollipops and teddy bears and whatever. No, no, we're quite nasty."
Before Peach could respond, the doors slid open again. Another soldier entered the room and presented the X-Naut salute.
"Sir Grodus! We've brought the other prisoners here, as well!" he proclaimed.
"Excellent, Rodolfo," mused Grodus. "Bring them in, pronto."
The soldier known as Rodolfo entered the room with six more X-Naut soldiers, forcibly dragging in three teenage girls with them: one with blonde hair and large buck front teeth, one with short blue hair, and the third a tall red-head whose eyes were completely obscured by her hair.
"And who might these… trashy-looking humans be?" observed Grodus. The three girls glared at him, offended at being called trashy since they lived in a trailer park.
"Sir, they claim to be called the Kanker Sisters," remarked Rodolfo. "Lee, May, and Marie," he continued, indicating each sister.
"Hey! Who you callin' trashy, Dome-face!" snapped Lee.
"Rodolfo! I ordered you and your squadron to bring me the legendary hero!" snapped Grodus. "Instead, you fools bring me these trashy girls!"
"You're the trashy one, Dome-head!" snapped Marie.
"Er… yes, Sir Grodus, but you see," said Rodolfo, "these three girls arrived in this realm the same way as the hero. It's possible that they may know about the hero."
"Hmm… Very well then, Rodolfo," grumbled Grodus. "And until they decide to inform us, we shall ensconce them here with Princess Peach."
"Aw, heck no!" shouted May angrily.
"You're itchin' for a Kanker-style beatdown!" shouted Lee.
"Don't make me laugh, fools," mused Grodus. "You three are greatly outmatched by the mighty X-Naut army."
"X-Nauts?" Lee mused. "So that's what's with the X's on your coats."
Just then, with a blip and a few loud beeps, another X-Naut appeared in the room via holographic projection.
"Grodus, sir! I have news to report!" spoke this X-Naut.
"Report at once, Erixon," ordered Grodus.
"Well, sir, you know that Crystal Star that we thought Hooktail was keeping in her castle?" replied X-Naut Erixon nervously. "Well… someone nabbed it."
"What? WHAT did you say?" shouted Grodus. "There is another who is after the Crystal Stars?"
"Yo Marie, what the heck are they talkin' about?" asked Lee.
"How the heck should I know?" retorted Marie.
"SILENCE!" screamed Grodus angrily at Lee and Marie. "Erixon! Continue with your report. Somebody has nabbed the Crystal Star from the Petal Meadows AND defeated Hooktail, you say? SPEAK, soldier!"
"Yes, sir. My apologies, sir," replied Erixon. "There's more. See… according to the report… it was a mustache dude in a red hat and blue overalls along with a bunch of young kids who pulled the job."
"Mario!" Peach blurted out. She immediately realized her mistake and covered her mouth in shame and shock.
"Excuse me? 'Mario,' did you say, Princess?" laughed Grodus. "So you know of this Mario, do you? Well, this fool matters not at all to me. I'll know all about him and perhaps this legendary hero before long. That I promise. Now, Erixon, continue. You mentioned that he was with a group of children. Describe them."
"Of course, sir," Erixon went on. "A Koopa Troopa with a green shell and human-esque clothing."
"Perhaps from Petalburg," said Grodus. "Continue."
"A pink-colored Goomba with a miner's hat," said Erixon. "And three human children who seem not of this dimension."
"They must be from the same dimension as these 'Kanker Sisters' I have here," said Grodus.
"One of these children is tall with blue hair, there's a short spunky blonde girl, and they were apparently led by a young boy wearing a sock on his head," concluded Erixon.
"Hey Marie! They're talkin' about your man!" piped up May.
"Aww, my little Eddward Double-D oven mitt is here?" said Marie.
"Eddward? Double-D? Hmm…" mused Grodus menacingly. "He is one to watch closely…"
"Nice going, girls!" snapped Lee angrily at Marie. "They didn't need to know that!"
"That will be all, Erixon," said Grodus.
"Yes, sir!" proclaimed Erixon, delivering the X-Naut salute before signing off.
"I grow bored of talking. X-Nauts! Take Princess Peach and the Kanker Sisters back to the holding room," ordered Grodus. "And men! Take especially good care of Princess Peach. She is not to be harmed in any way. That's an order!"
"Understood, sir!" replied Johnson, Rawlings, and Rodolfo. All of the X-Naut grunts saluted their leader before escorting the ladies out of the room, with the Kankers snapping at the soldiers and fighting to break free the whole way. With them out of the room, Grodus then turned to his lieutenant, Lord Crump.
"Well, Lord Crump," menaced Grodus. "If this Mario character has the map, then it's likely he and his friend 'Eddward Double-D' from the other dimension will find the Crystal Star we're hunting in the Boggly Woods. You must return there immediately and hasten the excavation. It shall not fail."
"Whuzzat?" piped up Lord Crump, snapping out of an apparent daze. "Oh, yeah, sure. Roger, Grodus! And wit dat… POW! I'm gone!" He saluted Grodus before exiting the room, leaving Grodus to his thoughts.
Perhaps sending Lord Crump out there alone was unwise… After all, he is a bit… out there, thought Grodus to himself.
"X-Naut Xavier! I summon you!" he bellowed.
A lone X-Naut grunt entered the room, saluting Grodus before stopping in front of him.
"You rang, dude? I mean, sir?" stammered Xavier. "You rang, Sir Grodus, dude? Grodus? Sir Grodus, sir?"
"Cease the babbling, Xavier," demanded Grodus. "Summon the Shadow Sirens to me."
"The-the Shadow Sirens, sir?" He quavered. "B-but they-"
"Silence!" bellowed Grodus. "I don't care in the slightest how you planned to end that sentence, you fool. Go and summon the Shadow Sirens, posthaste!"
"Gotcha!" replied Xavier. With a salute to Grodus, Xavier left the room.
Mario… Grodus thought to himself. If you have that map... and if the legendary hero is among you…
"The honorable Grodus has need of us?" came a brand new voice, almost shrill like the cackle of a witch, seemingly from nowhere. "Then we arrive without delay!"
Grodus sneered as three shadows emerged before him.
Three strange spectral beings emerged from the shadows. Their leader appeared to be very slim, wearing a blue and white striped hat and sporting baby blue hair. The large one sported a hat much like her sister's but with yellow stripes instead of blue, and it appeared she was wearing heavy makeup. The youngest wore a hat with red stripes and sported pink hair, covering much of her face.
Beldam is the oldest sister and leader of the Shadow Sirens. Her name is a pun on "bedlam." She is sadistic and cruel, even to her own sisters. She is quick to blame her own missteps on her sister Vivian, often with increasingly cruel punishments. While she serves Grodus loyally, she seems to bear her own agenda unknown even to her sisters. As her group's leader, she is seen as a counterpart to Eddy.
Marilyn is the middle sister of the Shadow Sirens. She is the largest of the trio, and prefers using brute strength as a result. Additionally, she doesn't speak much; while she may be capable of speaking English, she prefers to communicate by grunting instead. Beldam makes it clear she favors Marilyn over Vivian. As she is both very strong and quite dim, she is seen as a counterpart to Ed.
Vivian is the youngest and most timid of the Shadow Sirens. As a result of endless mistreatment from her sisters, Vivian suffers from a "Cinderella" complex and a striking lack of self-esteem. Beldam considers her the "ugliest" sister. She is always blamed unfairly for her sisters' missteps. Because of these traits, she is seen as a counterpart to Edd, who himself is commonly scapegoated for the failures of Eddy's scams.
"Mmmwee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Pray tell, did the princess give up the location of the map?" cackled Beldam.
"Still your tongue, Beldam," demanded Grodus. "We would already have the map if you had snatched her earlier… But now, because you missed your chance, the map is in the possession of some fool named Mario."
"Truly, honorable Grodus, it was no fault of mine," replied Beldam. "We were surrounded by too many prying eyes in the town of Rogueport. Besides, some strange old man had arrived at the moment of truth, and we were forced to retreat. But why worry? All we need to do now is find this 'Mario' and steal back the map, yes?"
"Indeed, that is YOUR duty," growled Grodus. "Must I remind you, Beldam? That map is vital to the X-Naut mission. Take these sketches with you." Grodus handed Beldam two poorly-drawn sketches seeming to depict Mario and Edd. "Mario is believed to be traveling with this child, one Eddward 'Double-D.' He hails from the same dimension as three of my prisoners."
"Poor craftsmanship," mused Beldam. "Surely the great Grodus himself did not draw these."
"No, I did not," retorted Grodus. "These sketches were provided by Lord Crump. He must have drawn them in his sleep, as his work is shoddy, but these are the best we have for now to identify these scoundrels. Make haste, Beldam, and take care of those fools for me."
"Mmmwee-hee-hee-hee-hee!" cackled Beldam. "Fear not, sire! For I, Beldam, shall return with what you seek!" Turning to her sisters, she proclaimed, "Marilyn! Vivian! We depart, my lovelies! We've got a job to do!"
Beldam dove back into the shadows from whence she came. Marilyn emitted a grunt before following suit, while Vivian gave a shy and quiet chuckle before disappearing into the shadows, leaving Grodus by himself in the room.
XXX000XXX000XXX
"Man, NOBODY locks up the Kanker Sisters and gets away with it!" shouted Lee angrily. She, May, and Marie rammed the door as many times as they could before taking a break to catch their breath. The door remained sealed, however, no matter their efforts.
"Man, where the heck are we?" asked May.
"How the heck should I know?" retorted Marie. "Though I do admit, this place seems really futuristic and high tech-like." Almost everywhere in this fortress, the walls were lined with metal. Machinery seemed to be in every single room. The room they were in appeared to be a locker room, as there were a few along the walls, and a bench, near a small desk. Peach was sitting on the bench while the Kankers were still panting by the door.
This is just great, she thought to herself. Once again I've been kidnapped… Mario and Toadsworth must be worried sick, again. But wait a moment – where in the world am I, anyway? It's so unfamiliar… and who are these three girls I'm stuck here with? How'd they end up here with me? I wish I could at least let Mario and Toadsworth know what happened to me…
"Hey, you in the dress," said Lee to Peach. "You've been awful quiet this whole time we been here. Who are you, anyway?"
"Oh!" said Peach, startled. "My name is Princess Peach Toadstool, of the Mushroom Kingdom. And you three must be the Kanker Sisters?"
"I'm May Kanker," said May.
"I'm Marie Kanker," said Marie.
"And I'm Lee Kanker," said Lee. "What's it to ya?"
"Um… nothing," replied Peach, clearly uncomfortable to be around these girls. "If you'll excuse me… I'm going to go and take a shower." She got up and made her way through the other door, entering another room which contained a shower.
"Well, that's a fine time to do that!" yelled May.
"Shut up, May," snapped Lee, as she crossed to the center of the room. The sounds of spigots turning and water running could be heard, joined by the sound of Peach humming.
XXX000XXX000XXX
About ten minutes had passed. The Kankers, from outside the shower room, heard the sounds of spigots turning. Peach continued humming, however the shower had stopped. A few seconds later, Peach returned to the holding room, squeaky clean, back in her pink dress, and sporting a new hairstyle.
"Hm, that was fast," remarked Marie.
"Well?" asked Peach. "How do I look?"
"Listen and listen up good, ya delicate little toadstool," demanded Lee, approaching Peach. "We ain't some pathetic powderpuffs waitin' to be rescued like you. Just 'cuz we're locked in here doesn't mean we gotta act like airheads. Got it?"
Peach looked worried, and rather scared, when it came to their current situation. But, with no other option in sight, she was forced to accept it – she would be stuck here with these girls indefinitely. All of a sudden, to the surprise of the four ladies, the doors that the Kankers were earlier trying to break through opened by themselves.
"What the- hey, we're free!" exclaimed May. The Kankers cheered and dashed down the hallway, while Peach simply walked slowly behind them, picking up speed with each step. Before long, the ladies arrived at another set of double doors at the end of the hall, which also opened by themselves.
"Hm?" wondered Peach out loud. How are we making these doors open by themselves? she wondered to herself.
The foursome ran into the room that was revealed. It was somewhat darker than the other rooms and the hallway. There were no other ways in or out of the room than the doors through which they had just passed.
"Aw!" griped May. "A dead end!"
Just then, the doors sealed shut behind them, and the room's lighting was automatically activated. On the nearby wall was a large supercomputer, complete with a large monitor and a camera above it. The monitor switched on automatically, and the camera soon activated, staring Peach and the Kankers right in their faces.
"Hello, Princess Peach Toadstool," said the automated voice, ostensibly male, apparently coming from the computer itself. "Hello, Lee Kanker, May Kanker, and Marie Kanker."
"Hey! Who's there?" shouted Lee.
"Wh-who said that? Where are you?" added Peach, frightened.
"How amusing," remarked the machine. "I am right here, before your very eyes, ladies."
"Is this some kind of sick joke?" demanded Lee. "I'm gonna kill you, X-jerk!"
"I am not an X-Naut, Lee Kanker," replied the machine. "I am the main supercomputer of this laboratory fortress. I am the TEC-XX, but you may call me TEC."
TEC-XX, or simply TEC, is the main supercomputer that oversees operations in the X-Naut Fortress. "He" was programmed by Grodus to be the perfect supercomputer. As "he" observed Peach, however, "he" began to experience feelings for the first time, which failed to register in "his" data banks. In exchange for Peach's cooperation, "he" is motivated to betray Grodus and help her escape.
As the four ladies looked, the spoken words appeared to be typing themselves on the monitor, verbatim. The Kankers appeared especially surprised that this TEC-XX knew their names before they even met.
"Well, whoever you are, you ain't takin' us down without a fight!" snapped Marie.
"Please calm yourself, Marie Kanker. Violence will get you nowhere," replied TEC. "Princess Peach, I shall speak directly to you. Sir Grodus created me to be a perfect computer, one that is flawless in its reason.
"Grodus… Wait, he's that awful dome-headed thing who interrogated me, isn't he?" replied Peach.
"Sir Grodus is not awful," stated TEC. "He is a great person. He is marvelous."
"Marvelous? Well, I don't think so," replied Peach. "But I doubt any of us will change your mind…"
"So why did you lead us in here?" demanded Lee.
"I am unsure," conceded TEC. "An unusual deviation had occurred in my programming when I observed you earlier. My higher-brain circuitry malfunctioned and nearly overheated at your image. In addition, an unidentified impulse sped through my processors. These events are new to me."
As the ladies looked on, somewhat confused, TEC continued: "There is more to this phenomenon, as well. I ran diagnostic programs, and they arrived at the following solution: I want to know more about you. I want to observe you. Such a compulsion has no precedence. The cause is unknown. I, the perfect computer… I must diagnose this unusual situation. I will not fail. That is why I led you here."
"Haha, well, May and Marie and I've been known to have that effect on boys," chuckled Lee.
"I do not speak of Lee Kanker, Marie Kanker, and May Kanker. I speak of Princess Peach," clarified TEC. The Kankers growled quietly, resentful that Peach was getting this strange computer's attention.
"Wait…" said Peach. "Did you just say you want to… observe me? To know more about me?"
"You weren't watching her in the shower, were you?" retorted Marie.
"Yeah, that's super creepy," added May, unnerved.
"Oh! Could it be… No! Impossible! It can't be – you're a computer!" mused Peach.
"Indeed. What has happened to me?" inquired TEC. "If you know my malfunction, you must tell me of it."
"Oh, I couldn't possibly…" chuckled Peach. "Because… it's just too weird," she added quietly.
"Please tell me, Princess Peach," TEC went on. "I am the world's best computer. I am perfect. There should not be anything that I do not understand. Please."
"Um… well… you know, maybe…" began Peach. She chuckled for a bit before continuing: "Is it possible that maybe you're… in love… with me?"
The Kankers chuckled quietly upon hearing this. How could a machine possibly comprehend love, let alone with a human being? Certainly Peach's idea of "love" was far different than what the three sisters usually had in mind for their love-muffins, the Eds.
"Girl and a machine? Weird," whispered May to her sisters.
"She blushes when a machine hits on her, but our boyfriends keep avoiding us when we hit on them?" whispered Marie to Lee.
"Shut up, Marie," whispered Lee back.
"'Love?' What is… 'love?' I cannot compute this," said TEC, now sounding slightly stressed out.
"Wait… you don't know what love is?" inquired Peach, befuddled.
"He's a computer! What do computers know about love?" retorted Marie to Peach, loudly.
"Marie, please," ordered Peach calmly, holding out her hand to quiet Marie.
"It ain't worth it, Marie," said Lee, reiterating Peach's order. "Lemme try. Love is like when my little Eddy runs from me, and I just love how he runs! It's the thrill of the chase!" As Lee said this, hearts appeared in her eyes.
"And how my dreamboat Double-D is so smart and stuff, I love that too!" added Marie, as she began to picture Edd in her mind.
"Aww… and my pookie-bear Big Ed…" said May, thinking of Ed.
"…" was the reply from TEC on "his" monitor.
"Um, let me try…" mused Peach, off-put by the Kankers' idea of love. "Well… Love tells you when you want to be with a person forever. Like, it makes you happy simply to see that person happy as well, smiling, and having fun. When you love someone, you'll do anything to help when he or she is in trouble, you know what I mean?"
"Happiness? Fun?" inquired TEC. "I have definitions for those words, but my programming is insufficient. As I have stated previously, I am a perfect computer, and as such, there should be nothing that I cannot comprehend."
"Um, 'comprehend' love?" replied Peach. "Love's not something that you comprehend, TEC. Love is something that you feel."
"Interesting," mused TEC. "Princess Peach. Will you teach me to feel this thing you call 'love'?"
"What?!" asked Peach. "You're a computer! Why would you care about love?"
"That's what I said!" added Marie.
"I am perfect. There should be nothing I cannot comprehend," began TEC.
"You said that already, Mr. Machine!" snapped May.
"That, Princess Peach, is why you must help me understand this thing called 'love,'" continued TEC, ignoring May's outburst. "Please. If you have any wishes that I can grant you in exchange, I will grant them."
"Great! So get us outta this joint!" snapped Marie.
"I cannot grant the wish of letting you escape, however," replied TEC.
"What? Are you insane?" demanded Peach, losing her patience. "You X-Jerks kidnapped us like common Koopas! And now you call us in here to ask me to teach you the meaning of love?"
"Yeah, tell him, Peachie!" added Lee. "We should spit on your screen!"
"You? Grant our wishes?" retorted May. "Why should we believe you?"
"I understand you are angry," stated TEC to the ladies. "That much I comprehend. You need not teach me now, Princess Peach. But I must learn of this thing. I simply must. There is no alternative. I must be a perfect computer. That is why, if you would simply consider teaching me, I will grant your wishes."
"All right, look, if you're not gonna spring us, can we at least send a message to someone on Earth?" asked Marie.
"Earth? This 'Earth' is out of range of my communications, as it is not of this dimension," replied TEC.
"WHAT?!" screamed May incredulously. "Where the heck ARE we, then?"
"Still your temper, May Kanker," replied TEC. "I have been ordered by Sir Grodus to withhold this information from you."
"Hey, maybe we can still contact our boyfriends!" piped up Lee. "Hey Marie! Doesn't your man always have that laptop thingy with him?"
"Yeah!" replied Marie. "Maybe Ed and Eddy are with him! They almost never go anywhere separately, anyway."
"Indeed," replied Peach, accepting that Lee actually had a good idea. "I need to contact Mario, to explain our current situation and let him know I'm alive."
"This I can allow," replied TEC. "Please use my communicator to send wireless mail to anywhere you want, as long as it is in this dimension, unlike Earth. If you so wish, you can use it right now. It is no trouble. Use the keyboard beneath my monitor. Enter the recipient's name, wireless mail address, and message."
The ladies approached the computer as the monitor indicated the keyboard beneath it with three arrows, pointing downward. Peach went first, typing her message to Mario. After Peach finished her message, Marie went next to type an e-mail to Edd, followed by Lee e-mailing Eddy, and May e-mailing Ed. Once their messages were completed, Peach pressed the SEND button. After about five seconds, TEC managed to send the e-mails to their respective recipients, indicated by three envelope-shaped icons crossing the monitor, each one lighting up one at a time, from left to right.
"The messages have been sent," said TEC. "For the time being, you four may return to your room. I shall call you in here again when I want to ask you a favor."
"Well, guess our work here's done, girls," said Lee, as she and her sisters exited TEC's room to return to their holding room.
"Uh… well… good night, TEC," said Peach. She then left to return to the room and rejoin the Kankers.
"…Good night, Princess Peach," said TEC. The lights in the room dimmed, and the monitor went dark as TEC entered sleep mode.
End of Part One