"So since you aren't a hundred percent sure what kind of girl you want, let's just practice talking someone of the female race."
Kyu told me we have to officially start the learning process. Going off my horrible performance at the panini store, she knew just having a conversation could use some work.
"Now let's say this girl started the conversation with you. She brings up the weather. How do you respond?"
"I guess, talk about the weather?" She gave me a big thumbs down and her own custom buzzer noise.
"Eeeh! No one wants to talk about the weather, literally no one. It's just a conversation starter. Now try again." I can't believe the simple art of 'talking' had such a complicated science to it.
"Umm…talk about sports?" This time was a double thumbs down.
"Eeeh! What does sports have to do with the weather? You don't keep talking about the conversation starter, it's only to get things going. You don't drive the car with the jumper cables still attached to the battery do you? Use the weather to turn the conversation into something better. Specifically, something that could get the girl talking about things she has done or things about her. Key word is 'her' Axel." Everything she said made so much sense, but I was still having the hardest time trying to find something to talk about. Weather….weather…what does weather do?
"Well, uh, weather can ruin vacations sometimes. Maybe talk about vacations?" One of the thumbs rocketed into the air.
"Ding ding ding! Vacations is a good one! Now give me a transition, bring up vacations in a normal smooth way. I'll start." She cleared her throat, preparing herself for a speech of some sort.
"So I can't stand all this rainy weather we are having, how about you?"
"Me neither. I wish I could just live down in Florida and go to theme parks all the time."
"Oh my God, I know right!?"
"I was just there a few weeks ago, when was the last time you were there?" Instead of responding, she just held up an open palm, waiting for me to smack it. I gave her the high five, and she applauded me.
"And then the conversation is rolling after that. That was awesome Axel, awesome. Now, let's try another. But this time we aren't gonna plan ahead. Ready?" I leaned forward in my chair, anxious to get going. Almost like I was a high school student ready to burn something in Chemistry class. I nodded my head and she took it away.
"You know, I'm not really feeling this bar right now. The drinks are horrible, and the bartender is a dick. Should I get the manager or something?"
"Here, I'll go get him for you. What did the bartender say?" Instead of continuing the conversation, Kyu gave me a slightly concerned look.
"Axel, that wasn't horrendous, but still not very good. You were gonna try to play the white knight there, and that's a decent approach. But a white knight wouldn't go to the king about a bandit would he? Who would he go to?" I took the hint, and waved for her to start over.
"The bartender is a dick. Should I get the manger or something?"
"No, no, I'll deal with it. Which bartender is it?"
"That one over there, the bald one."
"Okay, wait right here." I started standing up, implying I was about to settle someone straight. Kyu gestured me another high five. After smacking that one, she gave me even more praise.
"I don't know if that was on purpose, but that was perfect. Some guys would have brought the girl with them to confront the bartender, but that isn't the best of ideas. If you wanna act tough, don't bring the girl. It shows either you aren't brave enough by yourself, or you are bringing her just to show off, and girls can tell that shit a mile away. Ready for one more?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay, this is gonna be a tricky one. Don't panic." I was never this excited to learn before. Hell, I even had a spiral notebook and was taking notes furiously.
"Aw man, I don't have enough money for this popcorn. The person wouldn't even cut me some slack, it was only two dollars."
"Two bucks? Don't worry, I got it." Out of nowhere, I got the buzzer.
"Eeeh!" I mouth out 'What?' to Kyu, who just shook her head. I was waiting for her to start over, but I guess I wasn't getting that luxury this time.
"Umm…..here, let me talk to the cashier." And again.
"Eeeh!"
"Umm…God damn it…uhh…..want me to get the manger?"
"Eeeh! Eeeh! Eeeh!" I was flustered, I had no idea what to do.
"Look Kyu, I don't-"
"Eeeeeeeeeh!"
"The fuck am I supposed to do here!?" She stopped buzzing, and put her hands on her lap.
"Axel, listen. First off, covering the two bucks. Never, ever, do that for someone you don't know. She can either just be trying to hustle you, or she could see you are kind of desperate, throwing your money at a stranger."
"But I'm just trying to be nice."
"I understand that. But the fact that a girl went to you to complain, that makes everything different. If you overheard her arguing with the cashier about it, then the two bucks would be appropriate. But she has a hidden agenda if she comes up to you." I can see why Kyu was a love fairy, she must have seen every possible outcome of stuff like this at least two or three times.
"Now confronting the cashier. The white knight approach does not work for cashiers. If the cashier said nasty shit, maybe. But this cashier technically did nothing wrong, think about that. He isn't supposed to give away free food, so he isn't the wrong. If you tried settling him straight, as much as the girl may want you to, you would be nothing more than an obnoxious dick-bag." It was amazing at times how wide Kyu's dictionary of insults could be.
"And the manager thing is a combination of the two. Obnoxious dick-bag being fooled by this girl hungry for popcorn. So, what do you think you should do? Remember, you are kind of into this girl, so don't treat her like any other normal person."
"Okay….umm….." I drew a blank. I didn't think starting a conversation was appropriate since the both of us were about to see a movie. Being a white knight would make me a douche. I had no clue.
"Need some help Axel?" I put my hands together like I was about to pray.
"Yes, please."
"Okay, what if I told you, you already had your popcorn when this goes down?" My popcorn? What does my popcorn have to do with anything? It's my popcorn, not this girl's popcorn. I paid for it fair and square, what am I supposed to do? Give her my…oooohhhh. I could see Kyu grin, almost like she knew I figured it out. I waved my hand again, signaling for her to start over.
"It was just two dollars."
"Hey, I'm sorry about that. But you know, you can have some of mine if you want."
"Oh no, no, I can't take away your popcorn from you. You paid for it, that's not fair."
"So why don't we share it?"
"Oh..ummm." I could see Kyu really getting into character. She was turning away, like she was actually bashful.
"Well, I will pay you back for half of it. Is that okay?" This was a trap! I could just feel it! I was on a roll. I didn't want the buzzer again, it was really irritating. I remembered what Kyu said, don't treat her normally. So I tried to think of what I would 'normally' do, which was agreed to letting her pay me back. But if I wouldn't accept her money, Kyu already told me I could seem desperate. What do I do? Fuck, what do I do?
"Well, I got a better idea." Kyu turned back around, looking at me with wide, popcorn-wanting eyes.
"What's that?"
"You could sit next to me for the movie, I am here alone after all." Kyu startled struggling, deciding if her character should take my offer.
"I…..I….." I started leaning in, anxious for her answer. I was also mentally preparing myself for a buzzer, or something to be thrown at me.
"I'm…I'm…." Kyu, come on. My love life is at stake here. The closer I leaned, the further her head turned away from me. I only kept leaning in because I thought she was going to whisper something just to be an ass, and I wanted to hear whatever it would be. But instead she shouted right in my ear
"I'm so proud of you!" She lunged at me with open arms, tackling me (and my chair) backward to the ground. I thought fairies would be light, but her landing on my chest completely knocked the wind out of me. Plus, her gripping my neck with her arms made it even harder to breathe. I didn't know successfully talking to a girl gets you a nice prize of suffocation. Maybe being single wasn't so bad after all.
"Axel, since when were you such a sly dog?" I tried telling her to get off, but my puffs of air just came out as
"Ah….ah…"
I could hear her giggling at me. She patted my chest a few times, before climbing off of me. I pulled my way back to my feet, but I just hunched right over in pain. I was in such desperate need of air, I felt the entire process of breathing inside and out. All the way to the alveoli. A lot of people forget they have alveoli.
"Axel, that was spectacular. We will practice that every now and then, but as long as you are around girls in generic situations, you will be just fine." Since words weren't an option, I just did my best to lift her a thumbs up.
"Once you refilled your delicious oxygen, we will have one more practice and that will be all for the day." I had a somewhat decent amount of air in me, so I wasted on it on replying.
"And…what…kind of….practice?" She giggled at me, and this wasn't another empathetic giggle. It was one those sadistic giggles, like one of those giggles only psychotic females could do. Like the kind of giggle Harley Quinn does before she commits murder with a bat. She gingerly walked over to me, while I was still hunched over getting my breath. I could feel the air hit my ear as she whispered very slowly
"Kissing."