AWARENESS

"You've ever heard of the Bechdel test?" Nazz asked, leaning against a school locker.

"Yes, I did." Edd replied, searching for a spare pen five lockers to the left. "I never really considered it an accurate measurement though."

"Really? Why?" the blonde asked, as the boy pulled out a small plastic case and opened it.

"In some settings, the presence of a woman, let alone two, is simply too unlikely." he pulled out a pen, put the case back in the locker and closed it. "That doesn't necessary disqualify the mat-" the Ed turned to her, only to freeze in place. "Oh, h-h-h-hi, M-m-m..."

The blonde did a one-eighty, only to spot a certain bluenette, facepalming. That was certainly a surprise, as she expected her to stare daggers at her or try to punch her in the stomach. "M-marie?" she took an unsure step forward. "Is everything all right?"

"Do we seriously need to go through that plot again?"

"What plot?" Nazz decided to not break character just yet.

"The same plot of every shipping fic ever written." the Kanker sighed. "Alpha and Beta are friends, or dating, or about to date, or whatever, and Gamma is a jealous one-dimensional twat that gets in the way of their twue wuv." She scowled. "Everybody knows how this will end: you two will be together forever, and I will either apologize profusely or get hit by a speeding train."

"First of all," Edd regained composure, "just because I talk to a member of the opposite sex, doesn't mean I'm romantically interested in them. And more to the point-"

Then, a train crashed through the wall and sped down the corridor.

After a few seconds needed for the dust to settle, Nazz opened her eyes, to notice Marie plastered to the wall, having narrowly dodged the engine.

"See?!" she shrieked. "That's what I'm talking about!"

Nazz scratched her head. "I dunno. After all, you weren't hit by that train in the end."

"Assistance please." Edd whimpered, face down, flat on the floor.

PARENTAL

Written on 26th May, aka Mother's Day in Poland

Edd was running down the street with a sizable bouquet of tulips in his hand, when he bumped into the Kanker sisters, minding their own business.

"With all respect, ladies, I have no time for the usual molestation gag." he tried to move past them, only to be yanked back by the collar.

"Aw, come on, Oven Mitt." Marie replied with a stock perverted grin on her face. "I see you brought me flowers."

"They're for my mother." the boy corrected. "It's Mother's Day today. Now excuse me, my parent is currently in another city and I have a bus in five minutes."

After a beat, the girls glanced at each other.

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"Shaddup and spare three tulips."

"Oh mooooom!" the Kanker sisters peeked inside the kitchen in which their mother was preparing dinner.

"What?" she grumbled, chopping up garlic.

"You remember what day we have today?"

"No idea." she replied without turning to them.

Lee, May and Marie marched into the kitchen each with a flower in her hand and a smile on her face, prompting their parent to turn around. After glancing at them, the breadwinner scoffed.

"Alright, what did ya break this time?"

EVERY FANFICTION I'VE EVER WRITTEN

An Ed and a Kanker are sitting in a room, because reasons.

"Aren't you going to ravish me?" the boy asked.

"Nah, it's boring." the girl replied.

Awkward silence.

"Y'know," the Ed remarked, "when you aren't a sadistic bitch, you're kinda cool."

"Thanks." The girl pulled out a dildo/a butterfly knife/a bottle of alcohol from her pocket. "Oh look, I have an interest that kinda fits a lower class bastard female teenager. I'm not flat anymore."

"Yay."

More awkward silence.

"Y'know, I don't really like you, that psycho stalker act was just to piss you off." the Kanker admitted. "But you're, like, in top three of all the guys I've ever met. Wanna go on a date?"

"With all respect, no." the boy replied. "You're still creeping me out."

"But it's not out of the question?"

"Not entirely."

Another pause.

"Fourth wall breaking."

"Sex joke."

And then they ate cookies or something.

FLATTERED

Inspired by an idiotic comment on deviantArt.

Lee walked into the trailer.

Or more accurately, stumbled into the trailer, badly bruised. The blood was flowing from her nose and she was noticeably limping.

Marie looked at her sister and her eyes widened. "Jesus Christ, Lee!" she stood up, dropping the BL story she was reading, "Who the fuck did this to you?!"

"None of your business." The redhead tried to get past her to the kitchen sink, but the blunette blocked her.

"Who did this?" she demanded rather than asked. "I'll personally curbstomp the motherfucker."

Lee sighed. "You wouldn't believe me anyway."

Eddy was backing away from Lee, terrified. "C'mon, dreamboat. Stop resisting." she whispered.

"Back off, creep!" the boy shrieked, as he felt his back hitting a wooden fence.

"Aw come on, sweetheart." She walked to him and leaned against the fance, staring down on the shorter boy. "A hot chick is interested in ya. You should be flattered."

A brief pause followed. Lee didn't notice that a scared expression on Eddy's face was replaced with an angry frown.

And then the boy headbutted her.

She backed away, clutching her nose. having not expected a counterattack. The stout Ed followed up with repeated punches to her stomach and a kick to the ankle, causing the redhead to fall down on the ground.

"FLATTERED?!"

The stout Ed delivered another kick. "I!" And another. "SHOULD!" And another. "BE!" And another. "FLATTERED?!"

The Kanker curled, trying to shield herself from further blows.

"I should be flattered that a family of white trash whores spend the last year harassing me and my friends?!"

Kick.

"We don't even talk to any chicks 'cause we don't want 'em to get shanked by you psychos!"

Kick.

"Double Dee" A kick to the face. "had to go to a motherfucking psychotherapist because of that blue-haired slut and he should be flattered?!"

Kick.

"Ed freaks out whenever he sees a blond chick on the streets and he should be flattered?!"

Kick.

"YOU!"

Kick.

"FUCKING!"

Kick.

"BITCH!"

He stopped, staring at the girl, so proud and confident merely a minute earlier, now laying at his feet.

"I think you look fucking sexy bleeding on the ground, you twat." He spat, turning around. "Be flattered."

Then he marched away, almost sprinting, not waiting for the Kanker to stand up and retaliate.