He woke to find the place next to him empty, along with the rest of the house. "Seriously, Bones?" he grumbled, heading toward the shower. "I'm going to have to tie you down to actually have a conversation with you."
The rest of his night and early morning had been untroubled by dreams. But now, his stomach was tied in knots. Every action she performed, she kept reminding him that it meant nothing.
If that was really the truth, why did Bones feel the need to keep saying it to him?
He felt like he was reading too much into everything. Analyzing every gesture and every word to see if she might be interested in being with him.
Booth thought he'd make a good husband. He had a good job. Yes, it was often dangerous, but Bones understood that. He wouldn't cheat and wouldn't smother her. Well, he'd try not to. No promises on that one. Sometimes what he saw as protection others viewed a different way.
There was his son to consider, but despite what Bones thought of her ability to interact with the child, she had an excellent relationship with Parker. And Parker adored Bones. It would be a seamless transition to include her in their lives.
Finding a way to tell her this was going to be the hard part.
He was pleasantly surprised, upon exiting the shower, to find her sitting at the table. She turned briefly at his approach. "There's food in the bags." Motioning toward the takeout, she studied him briefly. "I already ate," she informed him, turning away again.
It wasn't unusual for him to be in her apartment first thing in the morning. Late nights working on paperwork together were normal for the two of them. This morning, there was more meaning to it and Brennan wasn't sure what to think.
"Too hungry to wait for me?" he joked, coming up toward her. When she pressed her lips together and didn't respond, he sighed and joined her at the table.
"Eat," he ordered, shoving one of the bags toward her. "I know you didn't. So don't lie to me and pretend that you did."
To appease him, or prevent the argument, she took her purchase from the bag and placed it in front of her. Booth was halfway through his sandwich when he realized she still hadn't touched hers.
"If I leave, will you eat?" If she refused to even eat in his presence, any hope of making this work was a fool's dream.
She looked up from the notepad she'd been making notes on. Her blue eyes were confused. "What?" Lost in her thoughts, she'd almost forgotten he was sitting next to her.
Almost. But there was always a part of her now that wouldn't forget. That reminded her over and over again she was married to him.
No, she hadn't eaten. Her stomach was too tied up in knots to think about adding food to the mix. Looking at him, she realized, as usual, he was looking at her first. The smile was small, but it was there.
Booth had no idea why she'd smiled and managed to give her one in return. But it didn't last. "What is this anyway?" he asked, reaching for the notes in front of her.
Pulling it out of his grasp, she gave him a pleading look. "It's mine. Leave it, Booth." But she did put it aside and pick up the muffin.
Neither spoke, eating in a silence that was unfamiliar. Frustrated with himself and Bones and the entire situation, Booth shoved the remainder of his food away in disgust. "We can't do this. I can't do this," he muttered at the end. "Not this way."
Brennan agreed with the sentiment. There was no way she could be married, either. Still, there was a twinge in her stomach at the thought he saw her that way. As someone not worthy to be married to. "The divorce shouldn't take longer than six weeks," Brennan offered. "Then we can go back to the way things were." Except she wasn't sure they could.
"It won't be the same, Bones. Six weeks is a lifetime. We just sat at the same table and didn't speak to each other. Do you really think no one will notice things are different between us? They are always going to be different between us now."
"So what are we supposed to do?" she asked. Booth would get them through this. More of the faith Hodgins accused her of having. "I'm doing the best I can, Booth. But," she shook her head. "I don't know what it means to be married. I don't know of any way forward but a divorce."
"I don't want the divorce," Booth blurted out. The words fell like stones and her cringe was visible.
Well, that hadn't been part of his hastily formed plan. Way to ease her into the idea. Hell, he hadn't been one hundred percent sure until the words came out of his mouth.
Maybe he wasn't husband material after all. He knew Bones wouldn't react well to a statement like that. Was it a bad sign he hadn't taken her feelings into account?
Brennan looked at him, her mouth open in horror. Well, he wasn't wrong on her reaction. "You want us to stay married?" she asked, sure she'd misunderstood. "You can't be serious." She hadn't really considered he might actually want that. Maybe, for a brief minute or two. But it was a ridiculous idea. Hadn't that been her thought on the plane? How could she be so wrong?
"Just listen a second, okay?" Booth reached out to grab her hands but she snatched them away. "I think we could make this work."
She stared at him, barely blinking. "We can't make this work, Booth. We can't stay married. Do you even love me? Or is this some religious thing because a divorce will get you in trouble with your God?"
"I'm not avoiding the divorce because of religion, Bones. But yeah," he said, pulling his hands back to rest them in his lap. "I think I'm in love with you."
"Think?" Her voice was wild. "You think you're in love with me? What does that even mean?"
"Fine. I was trying to be gentle. I'm sorry if that scares you. Yes, I'm in love with you." Wow, the romance was high in this relationship. First a wedding he couldn't remember and now a declaration of love met with terror and disbelief.
But he wasn't taking any of it back.
He could see the retreat in her eyes, as if she'd risen from the table. "You're just reacting to the situation we found ourselves in. The stress of Hodgins and I being kidnapped. It led to a combination of adrenalin and-"
"Don't," he said, stopping her desperate flow of words. "Don't try to diminish my feelings into something scientific. You asked the question, I gave the answer. Sorry it wasn't the one you wanted to hear."
This time she did rise and step away from him. "So, now what? You just move in here or I move in with you and we start living like we're married? Sleeping in the same bed? Having sex? Is that what you see?"
He would have liked all of those things. But he shook his head. "Of course not, Bones. I thought we could start with a date. Go slow."
"A date?" she spit out. "I don't want a date. I want the divorce. That list you wanted to take from me, was me organizing my thoughts for when I called my lawyer again. Which I am still doing."
Refusing to look at her, he rose to clean the table. "We are friends, Bones," he said. Bags were crumbled into balls and left over food put into piles. It was all going in the garbage, but it gave him something to do. "Best friends," he continued. "You know more about me than I have ever shared with another living soul, including my grandfather. I would die for you," he admitted, shifting his eyes toward her then away again. "I thought…, I guess I hoped, that your feelings for me were similar."
She took a deep breath and counted to ten. "You know that I consider you a friend. My feelings? I don't always know what they are. But you think that means we should stay married?" Her voice had lost the fire as she tried to understand what he was saying. Gripping the back of the chair, Brennan fought to find solid ground. "Is that what a marriage is built on?"
Booth shrugged. "Don't know. Never been married until now. But I know it's more than some people will ever have. I thought you might be brave enough to find out."
She didn't like having her courage questioned. "Emotions, feelings, don't make sense to me. I hurt people without even trying. I am going to hurt you, Booth. I'm hurting you right now."
"I'm not a child, Bones. I know this won't be easy. We are both independent stubborn people and I have a child. We are going to hurt each other. But marriage is just a series of promises. To love, honor, protect and be true. We already have the honor and protect part. We won't cheat. And love?" He shrugged. "I'm already there. And if it doesn't happen for you, we'll deal with that too."
"I won't do this, Booth," she said. "I can't love you. I don't know how." She swiped at her cheeks, startled to realize she was crying. "We are friends. That's what we are. Friends." Except she was going to lose him. Unless she agreed to this crazy plan. No matter what choice she made, at some point Brennan knew she'd break his heart. Was it better to do it now? She didn't know.
He nodded. There was no point in arguing with her. She would fall back into the science that kept her safe. "Just think about it, okay? Call the lawyers and do what you need to do. All I'm asking, right this second, is that you think about giving this a chance."
Finishing his work at the table, Booth finally looked at her directly. "I'm going to get my bag and head home. If we get a case, I'll see you at the scene. Let me know what you decide."
She watched him, blue eyes stormy with emotion, as he walked from the room and returned with his bag.
Expecting him to walk away, she was surprised when he stopped an arm's length from her. "I know I've scared you, Bones. And I'm sorry for that. But you won't lose yourself being married to me. You'll still be who you've always been. I won't try to change you. I already fell in love with you. I don't want anything but who you already are." Running a hand down her arm, he took her hand and squeezed it. "Think about it."
"This is going to change everything," she whispered.
His reply was simple. "It already has."