Falling, Flailing-Chapter 6

"Ugh..." Spike woke up with a groan. The first thing he noticed was the pain. His whole body ached as a ray of sunlight hit his eyes and sent shooting pains directly into his brain. After he noticed that staying still significantly reduced the amount of pain in his body he began to realize how confused he was. He knew that last night was not a good one and he didn't remember how exactly it ended but he knew that it was not in his bed when it did...at least not when his memory ended. He also knew that he did not have the clarity of mind to lay out a bottle of water and some aspirin next to his bed. He was grateful for the aspirin though so he decided to take advantage of that before trying to decipher how it got there. As he rolled over he caught a glimpse of his alarm clock and felt his heat jump. It was nearly 10 AM and the team had been expected for workouts at 5 AM. Spike quickly grabbed his phone, watch, and wallet off his bedside table (still not sure how they all got from his pockets onto the nightstand) and ran from his room. He was already going to get grilled for coming in late so at least if he came in in the same clothes as yesterday he could use the excuse of getting lucky last night and not setting an alarm before he had his fun. He only had to hope that Ed didn't realize how hungover he was..."Ed?" Spike's thoughts were interrupted as he ran out into the main part of his apartment and stopped in his tracks.

"Coffee?" Ed asked, looking up from his newspaper and motioning towards a pot of coffee on the stove. Spike looked skeptical as he slowly walked around Ed and poured himself a cup of coffee. He wasn't sure whether to sit at the table with Ed, run and get dressed before the shift he thought they had, or to stay standing and wait for instructions but he did know that he was very confused and anxious. "You can sit, Spike," Ed motioned towards a chair next to him. "It's your apartment." He felt the need to remind the young tech. They sat in silence for a few minutes as Ed read his newspaper and sipped at his coffee and Spike worked hard to piece together all the different scenarios that would put Ed in his apartment instead of at the barn. He came to few (actually no) plausible answers.

"Ed..." Spike spoke up, the confusion and anxiety overwhelming him. "Why are you here? Or...well...when did you get here? And how did you get in? And aren't we supposed to be on shift like five hours ago?" Ed couldn't help but smirk as Spike rambled off his questions and tried to figure out what happened. Ed sat back in his chair and tried to figure out where to start.

"Well...I'm here because you wouldn't pick up your phone last night when I called to check in on you. So I came over to make sure you were okay." He paused as Spike looked at him in only slightly masked horror. "You weren't." He added. "Found you passed out over there," he motioned towards the floor. "at about 2 AM after I woke up the neighbors trying to get in. The woman across the hall gave me your emergency key." He paused, letting Spike take a moment to catch up. "You remember any of that...any of last night?" Ed asked when Spike stayed silent for a few moments.

"Not too much." A slight blush rose in Spike's checks as he realized that he was in trouble.

"Yeah, I noticed that you went through quite a bit of alcohol." Ed said matter-of-factly.

"I...I didn't mean to drink the whole six-pack, Ed. I really didn't." Spike said as if he was apologizing for breaking a dish or upsetting his parents. "I was going to have one just to calm my nerves and get to sleep." Spike seemed ashamed, his head dropping as his hands nervously repositioned themselves around his mug.

"Spike..." Ed began but was quickly interrupted.

"I know I shouldn't have drank at all. I know I needed to feel what I was feeling and all that but, Ed, the last thing I wanted to do was go to sleep with those images in my head. I wouldn't have been able to sleep and then I would have come in today exhausted and then I still would have been in trouble so, honestly, I'd rather be in trouble for losing track of my drinks and getting a good nights rest...even if a little...well...a lot hungover-"

"Spike!" Ed hated that he had to raise his voice in order to stop Spike's ramble but he didn't see a foreseeable end to his explanations and rationalizations. "I'm not mad that you drank and you're not in trouble, you're not sixteen and I'm not gonna ground you, buddy." Ed smiled lightly, trying to calm Spike a bit. He saw Spike visibly relax his shoulders but his eyes still showed a great deal of anxiousness. "I'm just...a little disappointed I guess that you felt like you couldn't reach out to anybody last night when you were feeling so wound up instead of turning right to the beer." Ed said simply, trying to be gentle. He knew that Spike saw him very much as an authority figure and didn't want this exchange to end up being a series of commands, he really wanted Spike to see him as a peer in his struggle and have a conversation.

"It's not that, Ed. I knew I coulda called anyone, I know..." Spike said vaguely but trailed off.

"Then why didn't you?" He asked before adding quickly, "And I don't just mean me. Why didn't you call Sam or the boss, or anyone on the team?" Spike sighed before shaking his head.

"It's nothing, Ed. I wasn't being super rational and...I don't know, you know how sometimes my brain works against me." Spike tried to laugh but it was hollow and obviously forced.

"Yeah, I know that feeling of not being able to reign in your thoughts, not being able to control what you're thinking and feeling...it's hard." Ed said gently as Spike nodded. "It's scary sometimes too...the things that you're mind comes up with when you're in a bad place." Spike froze for an instant, barely perceptible unless Ed was watching carefully, and he was. Spike might have been trying to brush off what he had been thinking and feeling when he started at the beers but he was seriously off and disturbed by Ed's words. "What did your mind come up with last night?" He pushed a bit but was met with silence. He tried to be patient but he was always worse at waiting quietly than Greg and he could only let it go on for a few minutes. "You said something to me last night, Spike. Do you remember?" Spike blushed again before smiling.

"Apparently I get very happy when I'm drunk so if I told you that I loved you or something weird like that I'd totally be oaky with pretending it didn't happen." Spike tried to inject some humor into this conversation, automatically going to his defense mechanisms. He had actually heard the opposite about himself. The few times he'd ever gotten wasted was with Lou and the next morning he'd usually be told with stories about how he'd become withdrawn or depressed. Spike knew that had happened last night knowing what he had been thinking before he passed out but he wasn't going to admit that to Ed.

"No...when I found you I definitely wouldn't say that you seemed happy." Ed said as he took another sip of his coffee. "You said that you were a goddamned killer." He said verbatim, letting the words sink in but only for a moment. "You said that the kid was scared and that they didn't deserve to die." He said, stressing the word 'they' but not lingering on it. "You said that it was never gonna be okay." There was a moment of silence again before Spike smiled.

"Wow…I guess last night was not a happy drunk night." He tried to laugh it off but Ed wasn't having it.

"Spike?"

"Oh come on, Ed." Spike had a bit of frustration in his voice. "You can't tell me that there haven't been bad days where you can't leave work at the barn and it just takes a few days to bounce back."

"You're right, some bad days are really really bad. And you're right, there have been times where I've made some bad decisions but it's different-"

"How is it any different, Ed?" Spike interrupted angrily. "How can you shooting a teenager four months ago and me shooting a teenager yesterday be so different? Because you're strong and I'm weak? Because you've killed more people than me? Because I'm soft, damaged? We're different people but you shot May Dalton and bounced back in a few days without getting wasted and passing out drunk. You didn't have to call the team off shift because you needed some more time to cope. I did my job but maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't have left the truck, that I'm not cut out for this-"

Spike's rant was interrupted by Ed's fist slamming down on the table so hard that coffee spilled from the mugs. Spike immediately stopped talking, only now realizing the words that he hadn't meant to say. He opened his mouth and started to apologize but the look Ed gave him immediately silenced him again. Ed seemed to be taking deep breaths, reigning in the anger that seemingly overcame him instantaneously. After a few minutes had passed in silence and both of them had cleared their heads, Spike tried to speak again.

"Ed, I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on in my head-"

"Spike," Ed's voice came in a low, quiet tone. "Stop talking for a second." He said with a tight smile. He took a few deep breaths, trying to figure out what to say, how to comfort a man who was going through the same thing he always had. It should have been easy, he should have been able to draw from the personal experience, far too much experience, in dealing with these kinds if scenarios but he didn't have any answers. He could say the things that Greg said to him, the reassuring phrases, the bonds of friendship, but Ed knew that they wouldn't hold the same weight because they were the same. They were both struggling and Ed trying to put up a front of anything else would be hollow. But he couldn't let Spike see just how deep his wounds went, couldn't let his guard down so much.

"Spike..." He started, unsure of himself, suddenly nervous. "I'm not some emotionless robot. I do feel all the bad stuff that this job throws at us-"

"I know, Ed, I know you've got emotions. I didn't mean to make it sound like you were a robot, I'm sorry-"

"Spike, shut up for a minute." Ed smiled, trying to bring a bit of levity to what would otherwise be harsh words. Spike nodded, closing his mouth and listening intently, knowing that when he got nervous or lost his temper he would ramble on and on if given the opportunity. Ed knew exactly what Spike needed to hear, knew exactly what he needed to say and had the words formed in his mind but he couldn't get them out. He was having so much trouble saying such simple words that, after a few minutes of working himself out he felt as though he had to just spit it out.

"I'm not okay either, Spike." He said with great effort. He hoped that the words would be cathartic, even though he would never admit it, asking Greg for help actually did make him feel better but there was something different about this, something more raw, more vulnerable about his words. He could see Spike itching to ask a question, add something to the conversation but he was being obedient and waiting for Ed to finish. "I've taken a lot of tough shots in my career, you know that, but none of them have affected me as much as May Dalton have." He paused again, letting the significance of what he was saying set in. "I've felt all the things you're feeling, that I was a monster and that she was just trying to do the right thing and that, since I was feeling that way, I wasn't cut out for the job, but Spike, we know that those things aren't true." He paused for a moment, needing again to convince him of that fact. "We're all human. It's not right to kill another human being, it doesn't ever feel that way. Some days it's easier but it's always tough to neutralize a kid. You did good yesterday and you've just got to keep reminding yourself of that fact. It's not a matter of being strong or weak or having more experience, it's a matter of being human." Ed paused again, hoping that this was helping Spike because it was sure upsetting him. He nodded, signaling that he was done and ready for Spike to speak again.

Spike wasn't exactly sure how to react to Ed's confessions. He knew that he'd lived with the job during the good and the bad times and that his family life took a toll from it but he always thought that Ed was the stable one on the team. He had to fight for it, but he had it all together. Hearing that it wasn't true, that he struggled with the decisions they had to make every day as well, comforted Spike in a way. He felt terribly that Ed was also suffering but he didn't feel nearly as alone as he did and, Ed's confessions made him feel like he could fight through this pain and still function at a high level like his team leader.

"I...I'm sorry, Ed. I...I didn't know." Spike couldn't manage to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds as Ed nodded.

"It's okay, it's really okay." He assured. "I just want you to know that I know what you're feeling right now. I know how hard it is to validate the job and our actions in light of what happened yesterday." Spike nodded and stayed quiet for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

"I don't know...it just felt like I should have been able to handle this one lethal shot. I mean, you and Sam take a lot more of those than me and each subject touches you personally one way or another, I know that, but...Noah...I really felt connected to him, so I guess that's why it's so hard..."

"Yeah, I was thinking about that when you were asking me if you should take the shot." Ed spoke almost nonchalantly but Spike's head shot up.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Spike. I didn't want you to take that shot as much as you didn't want to. Why do you think I held off giving you the call so long?" Ed shrugged. "Anyway, I know you felt for him really distinctly, between losing your parents and having to move out of the house you grew up in, it's been a tough couple of years for you." Spike nodded but didn't add anything. "I really didn't want you to have to take that shot but you're gonna get through it buddy."

"Thanks, Ed." Spike said softly as he nodded, taking another sip of coffee and rubbing his temples.

"How's the hangover?" Ed asked sympathetically, knowing that they both needed a break from the heavy, emotional conversation.

"It sucks." Spike said simply but with a smile. His head was pounding, that was the most noticeable issue he was having but his stomach was also a little unsure at the moment.

"Yeah, well you gotta hydrate," Ed said as he passed Spike a water bottle. "We switched with team five so we're on tonight." Ed informed as he got up to get another cup of coffee.

"Awesome." Spike's sarcastic tone expressed how unexcited he was for an overnight shift.

"Yeah, well, at least you didn't have to do drills hungover at 5 AM so, be happy." Ed smiled at Spike's disgusted face. "Go get dressed, we're going out." Ed said somewhat suddenly as Spike looked at him curiously. "Come on, we don't have all day."

Longish chapter but I couldn't find a good place to break it. Don't really know if it does justice all the angst I played up for Spike earlier though; I think it touches on it but I didn't really have the time to get into it indepthly. Let me know what you think though, one more chapter on this and it's going to be a short one.