Chapter 6

I don't leave my house the next week, trying at least to comply with doctor's orders a little bit. I mean, I'm not taking the sleeping pills she prescribed and I'm not handing my kids over to anyone else for a week, but using a couple of my sick days at the University can't hurt. Plus I can email out assignments, and this gives me time to apply for a new job. I send out resumes like crazy, to anything nearby that has a shot of fitting my weird schedule.

There's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that irks me; as though I'm back in middle school and I failed a test and now I can't quite look the teacher in the eye without feeling guilty. I never really thought I'd make a good mother; I'd never wanted to be one, but I'm doing the best I can and it sucks that it's not enough. Those boys deserve better, I think sadly from time to time. They seem to be doing fine, but I can never be too sure. I spend a lot of time hugging them or kissing them and making sure nothing scares them but they've always been a little fearless anyway so, until I start seeing signs that they aren't anymore, I'm not going to panic.

Thankfully, Lester had a new door in place by the time I got back home and Hector had made sure everything was secure again. I've received a lot of phone calls this week; Lula, Tank, Lester, Celia, Emily, Mary Lou, Hector, and they visit also, trying to coax me out of hiding and leave the twins in their able hands, but I can't: I'm more nervous than ever about being separated from them. It makes me a bit frantic.

Ranger calls twice. I can't bring myself to answer. What could he possibly say? The one thing I've decided is that if he wants to sue me, I'm not giving in without a fight. I may not be mom of the year but I've done the best I can and that's more than he can say. I doubt he even knows their names… he hasn't even asked.

My friends and family are helping to sustain me. My mother brings me meals, Valerie comes over when the girls are in schools to sit with the boys, as does Grandma Mazur. Celia, though, took one look at my doctor's list of foods and me to repeat verbatim what the doctor had said. It must have been her that sent Lester over here to stock, not only my fridge, but my entire house. Food, blankets, baby clothes, laundry detergent, fashion magazines in case I get bored… you name it. He ignored me when I said I didn't need anything and he told me he was simply the messenger/delivery person and the orders had come from above.

On Thursday night after the boys are down, Lula calls and tells me she's coming over.

"Hey," she gives me a one armed hug when she gets here.

I hug her back. "Hey. You brought Pino's!"

The box in her hand is large and smells of pepperoni and my mouth waters. "I sure did, I figured you didn't have nothing with grease here. Doctors don't always have all the answers. They keep telling you cut out grease," she shakes her head, "Uh-uhn, girl. Everybody knows you need a little grease in your system."

I laugh as I follow her to the kitchen where she puts the box down on the island. "Thanks. You're so thoughtful."

"How are the boys?"

"Asleep. You'll never guess what happened. Alex said his first word today."

Lula gasps happily. "Really? What did he say? 'Mama'?"

I shake my head as I go to one of the cupboards and grab two plates. "No. He said 'Tove'."

She laughs and clutches her hand to her heart, "That is too sweet. He said his brother's name. Where is that boy? Aunt Lula needs to give him her Lula-kisses!"

"They're already asleep," I say. "It was so cute, though; they were playing with a ball and Tove crawls over to go get it but didn't roll it back right away and I guess Alex got impatient because he just called his name."

Lula laughs, again. "They're growing up fast. I can't believe they're talking already. You remember when you moved in here and you got so crazy because they wouldn't go to sleep?"

"Ugh," I shudder, "They wouldn't sleep at the same time. If one was asleep, the other was up and running around. I almost passed out from exhaustion." I pause. "Thanks for helping out."

Lula had been here a lot when they were first born; her and Tank were helping me get the house in order while I dealt with the twins. She'd made some colorful suggestions about getting them to sleep too. The more they would cry, the more ridiculous the suggestions became. It went from rocking them, to signing and then to chloroform. I'm pretty sure she was kidding.

"Girl, I've got your back. Haven't I always had your back? You better believe it. And I also had your back when I saw Batman the other day." I try not to react to her reference of Ranger. "I really let him have it," Lula continues. "You know, once I was through with him he looked damn sorry, too."

I shrug. "Thanks, I guess."

"Tank says Ranger's been in a state ever since he heard you were in the hospital. Ever since those people showed up here, actually. He says he ain't never seen Ranger so angry. I asked him how he could tell 'cause you know how Ranger is, always broodin' and shit. He says it's a different kind of brooding." She continues. "Apparently he's dropped the lawsuit. You hear that? Ain't nobody comin' after those babies."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Are you sure?"

"That's what Tank said."

"How sure is Tank?"

"Tank never says anything unless he's sure about it. Like when he said he wanted to throw me against a wall and have his way with me, I thought it was a metaphor, but it turns out he knew what he was saying."

I scrunch my face. "Lula! Waaaaay too much information. Way too much."

She ignores me, "Anyway, you better not let Ranger make you afraid of the world."

"I'm only staying in on doctor's orders!"

"Good. Because what happened is no reason to lock yourself in."

"Exactly,"

"Right. So why don't you let Tank or someone sit with the babies tonight and you and me will go out. Girl's night." She looks at me.

I shake my head, "No. It's too late. And I'm not going to be one of those moms. I'm not Dina Lohan nor Britney Spears, thank you very much."

"Okay then, how about you let them stay with the boys tomorrow and we go have a spa day?"

I bite my lip. "Nah, the boys are on a really weird schedule and—,"

"Girl!"

"What?" I ask innocently.

Lula rolls her eyes and sucks her teeth. "You know exactly what."

I hesitate, biting my lip still. I don't even realize when I start nervously ripping up the pizza crust in my hands. "You don't understand… I couldn't …" I feel fresh tears surfacing and I try to hold them back. "I let that guy take my son right out of my hands. What kind of mother does that?"

"Does what?" Lula shakes her head. "You didn't let him. You did everything you could to protect that boy. Everything you could. It ain't gonna happen again."

"How can I be sure of that?" My voice cracks. "I'm supposed to protect them. I didn't."

"You did. Girl, those boys are lucky to have you. You doin' a damn fine job of raising them." She says. "A damn fine job."

We eat in silence once my tears get under control.

--

So, after a week of some relaxation, I return to my schedule but I'm still not being separated from them and consequently bring them everywhere with me. I bring them to my editor's meeting with me. The editor doesn't mind and I feel lucky that they are so well behaved. I bring them to class with me and they stare wide eyed at the people around them. I set up a portable play yard in the room and conduct my class that way. No one minds. A couple of the students come up after class and try to play with them. The boys laugh, loving the attention.

The only problem is carrying around the extra weight. Probably won't look good on my next stress test but whatever. Maybe my arms will be super toned by then.

At the end of class Celia comes up. "Steph, I'm so glad you're back!" She says, giving me a hug. She goes to the twins, gives them a kiss on their heads and picks Tove up. "I'm so sorry about what happened," she says for the billionth time since I got back from the hospital. She begins talking really fast in furious Spanish. "Ese hermano mío tiene que tener una cabeza hecha de—,"

"Celia," I interrupt with a small smile. "I really don't understand what you're saying when you do that."

She controls herself, "Sorry. I forget. Seriously, just thinking about it! Ugh! The nerve!" I let her put the boys in their strollers while I pack up the portable play yard and we make our way out.

I walk with her towards the day care center anyway, since my car is parked closer in that direction. On the way there we run into Emily. She immediately pulls me into a hug. "Stephanie. I'm so glad you're back." Emily took charge of grading some papers for me, which I hugely appreciated. It can't have been easy on top of what she already does.

"Me too." Celia says, "Class is the only time I have away from home, the whole email thing wasn't working for me."

"Ah ha, so you wanted me back for selfish reasons, huh?"

Celia grins, "Completely selfish."

Emily chimes in, "Speaking of people who need to be a tad more selfish," she says pointedly at me, "have you thought any more about what I said? I could give you some names."

"Nope."

"What's she talking about?" Celia asks.

"Emily wants me to see a psychiatrist." I tell her with a roll of my eyes

"A psychologist. They are way less judgmental."

"Oh, because she's crazy now? Hm… I agree." Celia says seriously and then grins when I shoot a glare at her.

Emily bit back a grin, "She's just got some tendencies that need working out before she projects them onto the boys."

I roll my eyes. "I'm fine!"

"Really? Then how come you're carrying around a giant portable playpen, a diaper bag that's bigger than normal, plus an overstuffed purse? You look like a packed mule."

Celia and I both let out a laugh. "Okay, alright," I say, still chuckling, "It is a bit much, all this stuff but it's been too soon for me to leave them anywhere. I'm just a little nervous about those idiots showing up again."

"Oh, honey, those people are gone for good. One of them is in the hospital and the other ran crying to his mommy." Celia says. "Lester told me. And Ranger isn't pursuing anything. I'm positive about that, he assured me himself."

"Well, they'll be back in day care soon. No worries. Oh, but you're still coming by today to check up on them right?" I ask Emily.

"Seriously, Steph, they're fine! They are not the ones that need the help."

"Emily—,"

"But, of course, if it will ease your mind, I will come over tonight and 'shrink' them, as you like to call it."

I smile. "You're the best! I'll even supply dinner. And dessert."

"Good deal."

Emily heads off to her car and I'm left walking with Celia. "Hey, you didn't mention anything to your brother, did you? What you said about him assuring you he wasn't pursuing the lawsuit… you didn't… um…."

Celia shakes her head, "I didn't overstep my boundaries as a know-it-all big sister. Don't worry."

I frown, "Why am I not convinced?"

"Because you worry too much. Wasn't that what your doctor said? That you're crazy now?"

I can't help a small laugh before I say goodbye to her and go home, trying to relax a bit as I check my mail for job application responses. I make pizza for us while I wait for Emily to arrive. When the doorbell rings I jump a little. Okay, so the doorbell sound makes me a little nervous: sue me. But when I check, baseball bat in hand, it's only Emily and Maggie.

I put the bat back into the hall closet quickly before letting them in out of the cold. "Oh, for crying out loud, when will it be warm again?" Emily whines. She's changed out of her business casual wear and into jeans and a sweatshirt.

I laugh. "We've got a few more months before spring. Hell, winter has barely gotten off the ground yet."

"Don't remind me."

I let Emily and the kids sit in the living room. She examines them while I pull the homemade pizza out of the oven. We eat in the living room as she watches them interact. Tove, Alex and Maggie are all playing with toy cars, pushing them around on the ground.

Emily watches closely. "Steph, honestly, I don't think you have anything to worry about with the boys." She tells me quietly as she swallows a bite of pizza.

"Are you sure?"

"They are fine. Look, they have no problem interacting with each other or other children. They don't shy away from any stranger who comes up to them as though they're afraid. They're fine." She says with so much certainty that I feel a weight lift off my shoulders.

"But…" She continues.

And I know what's coming. "I know, I'm not fine."

"Look, you clearly have some anger and fear towards the father, who seems to not really want them any real harm." I look aghast but she continues, "My suggestion is that you talk to him. If only to ease your own mind. You need to accept that they're not in danger and that you're instincts will kick in when they need to. You've let your obsession surmount and if you keep it up you're going to transfer it to them. It's not healthy."

I sigh. "I can't help it."

"You have to try." She says seriously, "Not just for you, but for them. According to Lester, those men are never coming back into your lives, so you need to put them behind you. Distract yourself, do something fun. Go on vacation, anything to get you back to being you. And relax with the over protective thing. You can be separated from them and things will still be okay."

"I don't know…"

"Look, start small. Start by moving their cribs into the nursery. It's beyond time."

"Hey, it's not like they don't almost have their own room. It's separated from my room."

Emily rolls her eyes, "Yeah, by a divider."

"They don't know that, they hated that thing when I first put it up."

"Right, but they got used to it. They'll get used to this, too. It's time."

I nod. "Yeah. I've been avoiding it for so long. It's so much easier to reach them. And now…" I shake my head vigorously to clear the thoughts. "You're right. I have to. I have to learn to be separated. Cut the umbilical cord and whatnot."

"And don't lose yourself. Part of what makes you a great mom is you. You need time to yourself also. For so long all you've done is work and take care of the twins. Work, twins, work, twins… it's a crazy cycle, no wonder you're so wound up."

I groan, "Why does everyone keep telling me I'm uptight? I'm not uptight, I'm just more structured lately. Structure is good, people!"

She ignores me, "Do things yourself. Go to movies, go to a party, anything. Try to get a bit of your old life back… you'll be happier and in turn, so will the boys."

"You think that would be okay?"

"Steph, every mommy needs a little 'me time' every once in a while. It doesn't mean you love them any less."

I nod along.

"And speaking of 'me time', did you read that book I told you to read."

I feel my eyes widen and blood rushes to my face. "Yes."

A grin is spreading across Emily's face. "Aaaaand?"

"It was SO HOT!" We both erupt into ridiculous giggles. "I mean it. I've never been a supernatural fiction fan, but those vampires are so hot! I love him, I love Wrath, the vampire king! He's my favorite!"

Emily laughs. "Oh, just wait until you read the other ones. The next one is hot, too. They all are."

"I can't wait to get them. I'm going tomorrow to buy the whole set."

"Good!" She says. "You'll love them. Especially Rhage… and Zsadist… yum!"

"Emily, look at you! Don't you already have a man who doing very dirty things to you at night?"

"No!" She blushes.

"Uh huh. So Lester is what? A shopping buddy?"

She shrugs. "We're friends. We're both into cars."

"Right." I say pointedly, "Seems to me like you both want to get under each other's hoods so what's the hold up?"

"Steph!" She says is a high pitched squeal. "I do, I really do, but I don't know… he probably has a girlfriend."

"He doesn't."

"No way a man that good looking isn't taken."

"He's not."

She shakes her head. "Then there must be something wrong with him."

"There isn't. You're a psychologist, Em. Have you noticed anything wrong with him?" I ask her.

"He likes ninja movies. There's a flaw."

I roll my eyes. "Right. And I'm the paranoid one. You should give him a shot. He's a really good guy. And he's great with kids."

"I know, you should see him with Maggie. She loves him." Emily gets a little quiet. "To be honest, that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want her getting attached and then it not working out. These are crucial years in a child's life."

I nod. "I get what you're saying." We stay quiet for a while, watching the kids. Maggie and Alex are laughing as Tove makes silly noises and pushes around a toy. It's like they're all talking in their baby language. "Hey, how about we each agree to try something new." I tell her. "I mean, you just said I need to break out of this rut I'm in and I think you need to have some fun, too. So I'll do it if you do it?"

"Hmm," she thinks for a minute. "I think we can do that."

"Good. I'm going to start tomorrow. I'm going to leave the twins with my Grandma Mazur." I say, wavering for a second, "You call Lester and invite him over for dinner."

Emily gasps. "I can't do that, that's too forward."

"So what? You be in the driver's seat in the relationship. Trust me, he'll take over soon enough."

She smiles. "He is really hot."

"He's also really sweet and funny and he likes you."

She takes another bite. "Mm, this pizza is awesome."

"Thanks," I say with a smile, "I just empty the contents of my fridge onto ready-made dough. It's really become quite an art form."

--

This is one of those in-between chapters before something more exciting happens, so bare with me. The exciting stuff is coming up soon.

On a side note: did you guys know that they are making a Stephanie Plum movie?! Its called one for the money, but Steph is being played by Katherine Heigl……. She wouldn't be my first choice. It was supposed to be Reese Witherspoon playing the role, but it went to Heigl instead. I'm going to stay optimistic about this one but if you want to look up details, it's called One For The Money and from the looks of it, it's shaping up to be a cupcake story instead of a babe. I just know that they're not going to do Ranger justice. I just know it.

Another side note: I didn't get to respond to about 50% of the reviews last time because of a certain lovely boyfriend of mine, but please know that I will read and appreciate each and every one. Thank you guys so much!