[San Francisco]
When she was ready for bed, Janeway allowed herself to think back.
Oh, had she been reckless, allowing herself to be taken in like that!
She supposed she had known from the start that Beverly still had feelings for Jean-Luc, but she assumed, because she wanted it to be true, that the other woman wanted to move on.
Then, that evening, she'd seen the two of them together, and it all became so obvious! She remembered how he had watched Beverly closely, waiting for her reaction, as if he could read her thoughts if only he stared at her long enough... And how grave Beverly had become, so different from the sarcastic and flirtatious woman to whom Janeway had become accustomed. Beverly and Jean-Luc hadn't touched, not once, denoting tension that didn't become people who were just friends.
But, most of all, she thought back at how foolish she, Janeway, had been: foolish to think that it might amount to something just because she had a schoolgirl infatuation.
On the upside, she wouldn't have to spend 7 years stuck on a ship in the Delta Quadrant with Beverly, i.e. someone who was off limits. She was positive she couldn't go through that all over again, working close to someone she cared for, seeing how he cared for her, seeing how he wanted her... and not being able to do anything about it.
On the downside, it didn't make her feel any less foolish.
She had endured it for 7 years, but she'd moved on, and so had he. It troubled her to think that someone, namely Jean-Luc, had been in that same situation for the past 30 years or more! And it was very possible that Beverly had been going through the same for almost as long.
Kathryn had told the truth: she wanted Beverly to be happy. She liked them both and, after everything she'd seen and heard that day, she couldn't help but wonder if there was anything she could do about their...situation.
How did the play go, the one they'd watched on the park? Oh, yes! "Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps". She'd think of something. She always did.
At the same time and also suffering from insomnia, Jean-Luc was pacing the floor of his quarters, back on the Enterprise. If that had been a mission, he would have failed miserably. He thought he had anticipated every possible contingency, but that obviously hadn't been the case. And then, again, he felt more equipped to dealing with any hostile non-Federation alien race than with that particular situation at hand, one which he had avoided for nearly half his life.
Leave it to Beverly to make him feel as uncertain of himself as a first-year cadet!
The truth was... he'd always thought they'd be together at some point in the future. Every time he'd ever gotten a glimpse of future and/or alternative timelines, they'd always been together.
At first, there'd been that incident with the other member of the Q-continuum, the one who called himself Trelane and who had brought his Enterprise in contact with other Enterprises [1]. During those fateful days, he'd been the target of the psychotic outbursts of an insanely jealous Jack Crusher. In that other reality, Jack had been Beverly Howard's ex-husband. From what Jean-Luc could gather, the man had caught the other Picard with Doctor Howard.
And there'd been that other episode, when they'd found out about Irumodic Syndrome. That was no alternate world to him! He was there then, living it, taking her hands in his, trying to assuage her pain...! The fact that Q (always Q!) had changed everything back to a point before that hadn't erased the memory of that kiss in his Ready Room, of how beautiful she looked, of how happy he felt. And what to say of the future time in which he'd been able to participate during those days? She'd been Captain Picard, and even if they were separated, he still loved her. He laughed, alone in his quarters, when he remembered having thought, in the middle of that chaos that was their situation and the insides of his brain, how those lines on the corner of her eyes had become her.
You say you've always known you'd sort it out, came the accusation, but you've had relationships with other women. You've even paraded them in front of her. He had to admit that he'd gone to extremes at times. But none of it mattered, really. Jean-Luc classified his relationships into two groups: before Kesprytt and after Kesprytt (as dramatic as it sounded to him).
Before what happened in Kesprytt III, she didn't know how he felt and he had sworn that he would never tell her. He would never have considered her as an option. His only option, in fact, was to try to fall in love with someone else. Most of his relationships fell into this category, and he didn't feel like he owed an explanation to himself: he had been merely trying.
Still, they had been brief, all of them. And what to say of Lieutenant Commander Nella Darren? It took him months to realize, after her departure from the Enterprise, that she was strikingly similar to Beverly in many ways, from personality traits to physical features, not forgetting the color of their uniform.
Only she wasn't Beverly. He felt bad for realizing he had been looking for a substitute and felt even worse because it was as if he'd used and then disposed of a very fine woman whose only fault, it seemed, was not being someone else.
And then there was the other category of relationships, the ones (or rather the one, really) he'd had after Kesprytt. He had excellent excuses for that one.
1. Beverly had told him she didn't want to change their relationship.
2. He'd been under the influence of the metaphasic radiation of the Ba'ku planet and he didn't want to make a fool of himself. So, particularly after watching what happened to Will and Deanna, he made sure he kept as far away from Beverly as he possibly could.
3. Anij was an intelligent and a beautiful woman etc.
His list of excuses went up to #7. He needed them, because there were times when he thought she had looked wounded.
Beverly, not Anij.
As for the latter, he'd told her he'd come back on shore leave. Deep down, he knew he wouldn't. It was similar to being drunk and promising oneself to do a number of things the following day, such as writing to one's father or saying "I love you" to one's CMO. After being under the influence of alcohol enough times, one just knows that those are empty promises which won't be kept the next day.
As for Beverly... well, it had always been about her. Even when they were estranged during those years after Jack's death, when he knew he wouldn't have been able to bear an accusatory look from her. Even then it'd been about her.
At his present time, he knew that he wouldn't have found any trace of accusation in her eyes. Thanks to those Prytt implants, there was a lot he had found out about her. Equally, there was a lot he hadn't been able to keep from her. "Stray day-dreams", she'd called it...
Still, why "now"? Why was "now" a better time to act on his feelings and inadequacies than any of the previous moments when he'd been faced with them?
Because you don't want to leave if she'll stay, came the reply. He knew he would leave, if he had to, but it was not what he wanted. Not after believing, and for a good number of years, that they'd eventually resolve their situation sometime in the future. But what future was that? As far as he knew, during his next mission, it would be him, and not Data, and then what future would there be? And even if that was not the case, what could they possibly accomplish by being apart from each other? They'd been apart for a few weeks, and already she was pushing him away.
Beating around the bush when it came to seeing her had been, he admitted, infantile behavior. It was running away from them, just as she was then doing by not answering his messages. Childish as it might be, the fact that she was keeping him away brought him confusion and pain. Only then was he able to imagine what those days that immediately followed her transfer, when he kept her away, must have been for her.
He was an idiot, and he felt like one... But he wasn't going to let that stop him.
[1] from "Q-Squared", by Peter David
Beverly was looking at the sky. She was alone, in her uniform, phaser holstered at one side of her waist, medical tricorder at the other. Her location looked like Baker Beach. She could see the Golden Gate Bridge, but it was deserted. So was the beach and, as much as she tried, she couldn't see or hear anything that denounced the presence of another human being anywhere around her.
Suddenly, she went cold. Because, right then, as often happens in dreams, she realized that she was the only one left on the planet. Her attention was drawn back to the sky when she noticed a flickering light out of the corner of her eye. The light went out. Then another star flickered briefly until its light also went out. And another, and another. In every direction she looked, the stars were fading.
She knew that it made no sense! The sky was not a two-dimensional dome. Even if all stars collapsed at the same point in time, a person on the planet would perceive each different episode at a different time, ranging from a bit over 4 years from the occurring event to over 2 million years!
When all the stars had gone and the moon had no longer any light to reflect, the streetlamps and other assorted light sources began to fade as well. After a few moments, she was left completely alone and in the dark.
In a sense, her dream-self had always known that, someday, she'd find herself in that position. At that moment, she thought about Jean-Luc. If only she hadn't sent him away! If only she hadn't come up with the absurd idea of forgetting him, then maybe they would have talked, and he'd be there on the beach with her.
Beverly awoke. The dream had seemed so real to her for a few seconds that she got up and looked out the window of her apartment. The stars were still there, and so was the Enterprise, she knew, even if she couldn't see it.