This one may not be the best. But I have plans, you'll see later on. (: Dear God, shopping = hell. On the bright side I got new high tops. Junior year starts on Thursday, but updates won't be delayed much at all. (: How am I doing though?
To the people who reviewed last chapter and said this made them cry, or almost cry, I'm a little happy about that. Not because you cried, cause that's sad, but because my writing was powerful enough to do that. Anyways, give me ideas, and such. I'll try to incorporate them in the story.
I don't own Shugo Chara.
Amu ran until she couldn't breathe anymore. Tearing through her bag, she found her wallet and paid for a bus ticket to go to the cemetery. She'd have to walk the last few miles, but that was okay. She just didn't care right now at all. Disbelief was heavy in her heart as she curled up in the bus seat. Snow was falling, she realized, staring out the window.
She remembered the snow falling last year on this night too, except the city was blanketed in fluffy white snow. That night the snow was stained scarlet. The screams were echoing inside her head still as her converse pounded against the concrete, a large man grunting as he chased her. She barely got away.
Then reality hit her when she turned and Ran, Miki and Suu weren't behind her. That was when she screamed and started to cry furiously. She sprinted all the way back down the run down streets, screaming out for help and ignoring the blood running down her legs.
When she got back to the alley, it was already too late. She was so cowardly. She dropped to her knees in the snow and let her scream out in heart wrenching agony. She remembers grabbing the knife that lie beside Miki and wanting to die. Then…the stabbing pain as she stabbed it in. She choked up blood, spitting it over the ivory, sparkling white snow.
After that, she collapsed and laid there freezing beside her friends until morning came.
The bus jerked to a stop, sending her crashing into the metal barrier between the seat and the steps. The driver thrust his thumb at the door. "This is as far as I'm taking you, kid." He said gruffly. She nodded, hoisting her bag over her shoulder. "That's a dangerous part of the city, you know that, right?" He asked as she stepped down the first step.
She turned. "You have no idea." She said somberly, stepping off the city bus and into the rough streets. She set off down the sidewalk, with her hands shoved in her pockets and started to cry.
She weaved her way down the streets and passed questionable people. Her arms were bared and her cuts were easily seen. She should have brought a jacket, or a coat. She'd stormed out of the Tsukiyomi house too fast to even think about the little details.
"Ikuto, goddamn you." She mumbled, taking off past a group of teenagers so hopefully they wouldn't recognize her. A little luck was on her side today. They didn't recognize her at all.
Her sprinting run turned into a slow walk. Sighing, she already knew where she was going.
XXX
Ikuto was freaking out when he couldn't find her. He slammed on his breaks, as he got lost on the unfamiliar streets. He'd looked everywhere for the flash of pink hair. He only found artificial hair that was colored with Bubblegum Pop. He let his face hit the steering wheel in anger. The horn blared and he jumped back, arms flying and a sweat drop on the back of his head.
Leave it to him to cause a disturbance outside a bar with a lot of scary look people outside. As they turned, his eyes became little white dots in his head. It was time to go.
At some point, he came across a sign that said 'Cemetery This Way' with an arrow. He found the cemetery after sloping down a hill and hanging a left. He parked and began to search. If she wasn't here, he didn't know how to find her. Silently, Ikuto walked down all of the rows. Snow was falling and beginning to blanket everything.
He must have passed ten rows before a name caught his eye. Ran, he realized. He didn't actually pay attention to the last name. The other two friends of Amu's were laid to rest beside her, on each side. Miki, Suu and Ran's graves were decorated to the full extent. It was the anniversary after all. Their families probably came today to pay their respects and decorate the graves.
He wiped off the last names and felt his eyes widen. They're sisters… He could only imagine the blow to the family. Three children from two people were gone. How do you cope with that?
Amu wasn't here, he'd realized that. But it seemed disrespectful to leave without saying something, and paying respects. He bowed, and then sunk to his knees. He didn't feel the grief from their departure like Amu would, but here were the girls so close to her, and he had fucked up getting close to her.
"I hope you three are resting in peace." He said quietly. "I probably have no right to be here, after hurting her like that." There was a sharp feeling in his chest. "If it's even possible, can you help me out here?" His voice was a weak whisper. "Amu misses you and loves you three more than just about anything." He'd seen the love for these girls in that picture. "I'm sure she'll be here later." He stood slowly, and awkwardly. He felt like he might displease them by being here.
"Rest in peace," He said, as she walked away.
When he was back in his car, he fought the urge to scream. He pounded his thumb over the keyboard of his phone. "Hello?"
"Utau, she's not at the cemetery. You said she'd be here!" his voice was angry.
"Calm down. There's another place she goes. Hang on; let me find the address of it. Mom kept it for reference." He heard rustling of papers and a door open. "Hey Mom, can you tell me where the memorial is?"
"Yes," He heard his mother's faint voice and more rustling. He listened carefully.
"Alright, he said.
He knew another place now, and he was hell bent on finding her.
XXX
Every time she came here there were more flowers than the last. This alley was the only pretty place in this area, but it was also one of the darkest. Sadly, she remembered the night in crystal clear clarity. People had heard their screams and saw what was happening at the mouth of the alley, but kept walking. They probably thought those men were their own gang. No, they weren't. They were just monsters.
There are three crosses: one pink, one blue and one green. The snow was beginning to cover them though. She rubbed her arm, where she was now wearing arm warmers. There were new cuts right under the fabric now. Shallowly, she'd actually carved words in this time. How much longer could she get away with cutting before the Tsukiyomi's didn't want her around like her parents did? She'd stop…but she found that she couldn't anymore.
The bite of a blade was something she craved. Some girls craved love, and some boys craved sex, but she craved feeling the metal glide across whatever part of her body she chose. She shuffled her feet, looking down at her feet like she often did. Today she was wearing high tops. She knew that blood was seeping through the fabric of the red and black arm warmer, but she knew that she hadn't cut too deep. She wouldn't die from that, but standing here in this spot all over again, Amu damn well wanted to.
Street lights were shining bright. The pavement wasn't visible anymore underneath the snow. The crunch of the snow and ice was audible under her shoes. She shivered from the cold, and from something else. She was losing her grip on everything all over again.
It was easier than Ikuto had thought to earn her trust, to make her happy and feel okay. He didn't even have to try; he just did it. Now, her mood was crashing after being stupid enough to let him in.
Shivering, and starting to sob, she dropped to her knees in the now six inch snow. Behind her the streets were being wiped of snow for people with nightly commutes. No one paid attention to the grieving girl in the spot of a rape and murder. They didn't pay attention enough to remember what happened, or where it happened.
As much as she hated it, she really wanted someone there. She wanted someone to care. Maybe her parents, maybe her old friends, maybe Utau-who wouldn't come to this side out of fear-, or maybe even Ikuto. "No, I hate him." She mumbled it, lying to herself. She looked up at the crosses again. "I miss you. I need you!" she sobbed.
Anger ran down both of her cheeks. There it was again, the moment she lost control. Take me away with the pain. It's okay. I'll let go. There came the moment she'd punish herself again, the moment she'd have something that was in her control, something that stayed a constant in her life. She lunged into her bag, grabbing a razor. Her fingers wrapped around it roughly. It sliced at her fingertips.
"I just don't fucking care anymore." She closed her eyes and brought it up, aiming to bring it down on her arm in a flash of rage. The impulse had built it up, the fury, the hate for herself and she couldn't control how deep it went anymore. Somewhere inside, she knew what was about to happen.
It wasn't like she mattered, she thought. Vaguely, she heard a car being slammed on its breaks as she closed her eyes.
"No!" she heard someone scream in terror, and then she felt the impact of a hard body slamming into hers. Her hand slapped back, hitting the person and the utility razor flew right out of her hand, imprinting in the snow.
She gasped, flinging her fingers out and reaching for it. Someone gripped her sides and pulled her back. She screamed and squirmed out of their grip. She wanted it, needed it now. "Amu, stop," It was Ikuto she realized vaguely.
She was in a haze, a state of despair. Cut, cut, cut. She thought the word over and over again as she brought her elbows bag, turning and hitting his jaw and knocking him back. She lunged forward, the tips of her high tops sliding across the snow as she tumbled. Her hand came around the blade and she brought it down. The familiar slash was what she needed. She breathed out, and kept going as fast as she could with her eyes closed.
"Amu, stop please!" Ikuto yelled and suddenly his arm was there, right when she brought the razor down. She didn't feel the pain, so she opened her eyes.
She screamed bloody murder. "You idiot!" She hissed, grabbing his wrist. The cut looked deep, and bad. She looked at her own wrist, and a tear slid down. She pulled a small bottle of peroxide out of her bag. "Let me," she said, cleaning it quickly. She hurt him, and felt guilty.
"It's alright," he said, fluffing her hair to comfort her. She looked up at him, with tears in her eyes. "Calm down. It's a cut. If you can do that," he pointed at her arms. "And be alright. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine." He voice broke off into a hiss from the peroxide.
"Sorry," she said. "Ikuto, that's a really deep cut though. You'll need stitches."
"Do you need stitches?"
"No?" she said puzzled.
"Then I don't either." He gave her a smile as she pulled out bandages out of her bag. "Don't feel bad."
"I just sliced your wrist open, Ikuto. I'm gonna feel bad." She said sarcastically. He smirked at that. She'd be alright. "I'm still mad, you know."
"I know, and I'll make it up to you." He said. She looked at him glaring. "I really am sorry for going through your things. But I wasn't going to backstab you."
"If you go near my journals again, I'll hurt you." She said seriously, wrapping the bandage around his arm. He nodded. "You're such an idiot." She mumbled. "Why did you do that?" she asked, finished the bandage and looking up at him.
"Because I was scared," He admitted. At the confused look on her face he continued. "It was scary enough knowing you cut yourself. But to see you suddenly lash out on yourself was even scarier. Then I saw that you didn't have control anymore, and I'd rather me get hurt than you." She swallowed. "Can I be forgiven a little?"
"Just a little." She mumbled.
He picked up her arm and cleaned the cuts. Underneath the opens ones, he saw scars. So many scars. Blood was dripping to the snow under them and down her arm. He wiped it off, leaving little streaks. "I'll clean this better later." He told her. "You wanna feel pain?" he asked, hoping this would make her smile. "I'll show you pain. It's called Hydrogen Peroxide." She giggled, and then hissed like a cat.
"Oh hell," she grumbled between her teeth. He smirked, and then bandaged her arms back up again.
"Do you want to stop cutting?" he asked. She shrugged, not even sure herself. "Will you give me the razors for now?" he asked her.
"I can't." her voice was timid.
"What if we take this day by day? Just stop cutting for as long as you can, and then if you relapse, we start again." Her eyes widened.
"You won't be around for that long."
"Wanna bet?" he asked, with a glint in his eyes. "I'm not leaving."
There were a lot of things she could have said to make the moment special. Instead she said, "Whatever," she paused. "Day by day?" she asked. He nodded. "If I did relapse would you still be around?" she asked.
"Do you think I'm going to leave because you cut? Amu, I'll be around more to help." She breathed out, nodding. "I want you to quit on your own. It's a journey for you."
"I hate you."
"Love you too, best friend."
XXX
"Dear God, we're all going to die." Utau mumbled as Amu swerved around a curve. She hit the curve and Ikuto reached over to steady the curve. Amu slapped his hand away, saying 'I can do this on my own!' She seemed different. She'd come home last night in a better mood, and had almost forgiven Ikuto. Almost, but not quite. "Where are your arm warmers?" She asked. Her arms were bandaged all the way to the elbow. She noticed a bandage on Ikuto's left forearm. "Never mind." She could put two and two together.
"Okay, we're here." Amu said, unbuckling her seat belt.
"Luckily we're alive." Utau grumbled before rushing to Kukai like every morning. This time she was grumbling about his sister's driving skills.
"Have you ever driven before?" Ikuto asked, while she slid between the two front seats and bent back to grab her bag and his. She handed him to his.
"No, I haven't." she said, grinning at his shocked face.
"You're not driving my car anymore." Then she pouted. She was smiling a little more, but he had a feeling some of them were fake. "Give me my keys, so I know you're not taking my car around for a joy ride when I'm at swim practice."
She handed him the keys and stepped out of the car. Once again, she was not wearing a coat, or even a hoodie for that matter. Oh, well. Absently, she wondered what would happen if people talked about her arms. She was sure that they had a hunch she was cutting, but never bothered to really talk about it. What happens happens.
Ikuto walked with her through the parking lot and since they were talking, she didn't notice Tadase and Saaya's mean glares. They were planning something, but Amu and Ikuto didn't know. Ironic almost, the people they had cheated on were coming closer together and they didn't like it at all. But they'd take it too far pretty soon.
"Do you have work tonight?" he asked.
"Yeah, I do." She said, as they entered the doors, and came up to her locker. She opened it, and set her stuff on the hook. Saaya and Tadase were around the corner-unknown to them. "I work till eleven tonight." She finished her eye catching sight of a picture in her locker. It was one of her and Ran, Miki and Suu. He watched as she hid her razors in their secret pocket. He gave her a look and she shrugged. She agreed to go day by day, but she didn't give them to him.
After grabbing her text books, folder and notebook, they headed off to his locker before class started.
XXX
First off, I was going to make them totally make up. That wouldn't work. Amu's still mad and wary of trusting him. Then I thought of making them fight for a while. That wouldn't' work with the story. So, you get this. By the way, this does have Amuto romance in it, but it's different. You'll see it sooner.
IMPORTANT: Do you want Saaya and Tadase to start drama now, or let Ikuto and Amu, and everyone be a little happy for a little while? I really do have to know. I know this one was kind of short, but thank you for your reviews.
But answer that question, kay? I have to know in order to make the next chapter.
-Kelsey.