This story is written in the first-person point of view, and sometimes switches between characters by scene or chapter. (Please do not panic; I do not repeat each scene from various points of view.) I do not label my chapters with character names, subsequently, your key is thus: Chapter titles that are short & succinct are Bella's, long witticisms are Esme's; song titles are in quotes, belonging to Edward, and Rose's are questions, finished off with an interrobang (‽).

Chapter Notes:

Much love to head-a$$-kicker-in-charge, cookEgawd, my muse, Blackjacklily, to MunkeeRajah for megabetaing, and to Detochkina, who, although she claims to only be a pre-reader, is far more.

"Losing My Religion"

She did not understand. None of them understood. They each had their other half, the part that made them whole. I could have gone on, merely existing, if I had never found her, but now I had to live every day of my life knowing exactly what I lacked. The feeling of loss was like a black hole that threatened to pull me under every chance it got, any moment I wasn't actively fighting against it.

I understood that Esme had called me back out of concern and love, but how was I supposed to focus on such trivial nonsense when I had become accustomed to spending my time in a state of hibernation? I spent the majority of the last few years completely absorbed in my longing for Bella, and only secondarily tracking Victoria. It was not reasonable to expect me to return to conscious living; I had almost forgotten how. I constantly scolded myself for moving too quickly, talking in too high a pitch, displaying more strength than I should have. These tiny mistakes were occurring less frequently, but my improvement in these trivial matters was the only silver lining of an otherwise slate cloud in a charcoal sky.

Wasn't pain supposed to lessen over time? Why did my pain seem to get stronger the longer it lingered? Every day it gained power in its dominion over me as I was made weaker. I felt a pang of guilt for exposing Esme to my heartache, but she deserved a reminder of how difficult all of this was for me. She was accusing me of being reckless-of not caring about Bella's well-being. How dare she! There was nothing I cared about more! Her safety was the whole point! The one thing that made my agony worthwhile was the knowledge that by leaving, I had taken the dangers that my world posed for her along with me. This was the one thing that kept me away. I wanted to check on her, but I knew that each mention of her name, every slip of detail of the life she was living without me that reached my ears, they would either crush me or send me running towards her doorstep. If the latter happened—if I set foot in Forks—this would have all been for naught.

I held on to that understanding like it was a shield against all my Mother had said to me.

If there is any contact at all, I will not be able to keep myself away. It is not possible. There has to be another way.

Only there wasn't. There was no other way to ensure she was as safe as I had hoped and prayed she would be. If I had known any of this was going to happen, I would have stayed abroad. I came back because although I hated myself for so many reasons, I didn't want to hate myself for what my absence was doing to my family. So when Esme tracked me down, I returned to the fold, but I was not home. My home was wherever Bella was. For the first time, I felt like an exile. I was unsettled and insecure. There was no journey for me, only drifting.

The only thing I had to look forward to in this attempt to placate my mother was access to a well-cared-for piano in a room where no one would bother listening to me play. I wouldn't rip out their hearts with the despair that seeped from the keys when I poured my release into the tone of every arpeggio, the progression of each chord. Esme tried her best to convince me she did not mind the sad themes of my performances, even going so far as to think the lie at me. In spite of her attempts, I noticed that Jasper always made himself scarce whenever I began playing, and the mood in the house had always darkened after I had finished my session. Thankfully, I could always count on Emmett's mind to tell me the unadulterated truth.

"Emmett, is my playing the cause of this effect on everyone?"

Dude, listening to you play, these days, is like watching Schindler's List on repeat. You can only bear it so many times before you want to reach for a katana and commit seppuku.

"Funny, that; Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment—my sentiments, exactly."

That was nearly a week ago. Since then, I played only in the Music Department's practice room. I began to consider stopping by there for a short session before heading off to hunt, but as I picked up the pace on my way out of Schenley Park, I felt the need to run again. We had walked less than ten acres into the forest, so it only took a few seconds to reach the edge of campus again.I started to think that perhaps hunting wasn't a bad idea, because the only emotion I could sort out from the others I was feeling was seething indignation, so a run was actually likely to do some good. I couldn't run here, however; the area was far too populated. I had to cross the whole of campus to get to where my car was parked, and I started stomping back, forcing myself to stay at a human speed. Shortly after I crossed the southern border of the school's property line, I heard someone think my name.

Edward? Edward why are you upset? What's wrong?

"Nothing, Alice."

She stood behind a concrete bench, under the wide Gothic-arch doorway of a campus building fifty feet northwest of me.

Yeah, I totally believe that.

"It's fine. I just had a rather interesting ... conversation ... with Esme."

I didn't bother to stop or slow as I passed the spot where she stood. She gathered books into her arms, having picked them up from the bench she stood beside. She looked at me with one brow raised, skeptical. Esme upset you? She sped to catch up with me, running faster than she probably should have, and finally reached me as I passed the Baker-Porter Humanities building.

"Yes. She wanted to talk about Bella. Apparently, she finally decided it was time to tell me how completely and utterly wrong I am. She thinks I should go back to Forks and beg Bella for forgiveness."

I intentionally left out the part where she had accused me of being a self-important ass. I did not think Alice would believe that Esme would say anything of that sort.

"By the way, you should probably speak aloud; we are standing in a public space, you realize." I added.

"It's, like ... " She checked her watch. "... eight o'clock at night, no one is around, and don't change the subject, Edward. Is 'completely and utterly wrong' exactly what she said to you?"

"Not quite, but she made it clear that she thinks Bella belongs with us and we should never have left. I've never, ever seen her that upset, Alice. I'll admit that I understand how she could have come to some of her conclusions, but ..."

I was getting beside myself again, but I hadn't quite figured out if it was because what Esme said was ridiculous, or because it was true. Alice just nodded and waited for me to continue. I stopped walking when I noticed the stack of twelve large books she was carrying.

"Alice, what are you doing with those? That's twice as many books as a human should be able to comfortably carry." I grabbed half of them.

"I'm still waiting on the backpack I ordered to get here. Unfortunately they couldn't put a rush on it because it's being custom made."

"Why on earth would you have to wait a week for a backpa—" I looked at her crossly, but decided to let it go. "Never mind."

Nonetheless, I heard the words Louis Vuitton and because I wanted a pearl strap on it flicker through her mind.

"Soooooo ... you were saying? Esme made conclusions? What conclusions?"

"Yes. I don't really want to get into all of it, but suffice it to say it wasn't the talk I was expecting to have with her today."

"Well, at least that explains it."

"Explains what?"

"She was really distracted yesterday. She seemed upset by something, but she wouldn't tell me what. I've been trying to be patient and allow her privacy, as is her right, but it's been difficult to restrain myself from peeking in so that I can figure out what she's been up to. " I noticed the hint of a smug smile on Alice's face, as if she was satisfied she had solved a mystery.

"I think she plans on talking to you about it tomorrow. She did manage to convince me that I should check on Bella to make sure she's okay, so I sort of agreed to let her talk to you about using your sight to make sure Bella's not in any trouble."

I was not sure I actually agreed to anything, but all signs indicated that checking in on Bella was going to happen whether I gave my approval or not. Alice got excited faster than I had ever seen her manage before. I was still incredibly anxious about this entire turn of events, but it didn't seem like I had much choice in the matter anymore. The lack of choice, in itself, was extremely agitating. I looked over at her and saw that her eyes were tracing an invisible pattern. "Alice, not now!"

I had broken her concentration, and now she peered at me, scowling. "Relax, Edward, I can't see her anyway. It's been too long. I'll eventually manage to find her, but it's going to take more focus and energy than I can muster just standing here."

"Do me a favor and stop trying altogether. This is all moving too fast for me as it is, and I still don't even know if I agree with this plan." I started walking again.

Our conversation was interrupted when Alice's cell phone rang.

"Hi, Mommy, what's up?"

I could hear Esme ask Alice to stop at her office and retrieve the case that she left behind when I approached her earlier.

Alice responded quickly. "Sure, no problem. I'll see you at home. Rosalie agreed to meet me at the Morewood lot at around 8:30, and it's 8:15 now, so we'll see you soon." They exchanged a few more lines, several endearments, and then Alice ended the call.

"You wanna go with me to Mom's office to get her holdall?"

"Holdall? I thought it was a briefcase."

"It's a Burberry 'Structured Leather Holdall.' I should know, because I bought it for her."

Leave it to Alice to distract me from my angst by overloading me with trivial items and random chatter.

"Ah, that must be that bag that she spoke of several days ago. She mentioned that immediately after you gave it to her, she donated a couple grand to the Salvation Army just so she wouldn't feel guilty for having a glorified briefcase that expensive."

She glared at me. "That's not exactly true."

"Oh?"

"No."

I could tell she was holding out on me. I waited her out.

"She had me set up a trust that will continuously provide income for several smaller charities for the next ten years." She intensified her glare, narrowing her eyes before she turned away from me. "Are you coming or not?"

I laughed. "Yeah, sure, but then I'm heading off to hunt—Esme made me promise to go, even though I don't need it quite yet. It may be useful anyway though. I think I need to run for a while ... think about recent events while breathing some fresh air."

We started walking back towards Margaret Morrison Hall.

"Having me look for Bella ... it's not a bad idea, Edward."

"Oh, shut up, Alice."

She punched me playfully in the arm. "Don't tell me to shut up!"

She stuck her tongue out at me, then spoke in her most soothing tone. "We all love her too, you know. I had to give up my best friend. Heck, I think even Rose misses her. As far as she's concerned, there's far less to criticize and complain about when Bella's not around, and you know that's her second-favorite hobby."

Alice wasn't even trying to hide her enmity for my decisions regarding Bella anymore. I didn't respond to her. It only made me realize that the longer I hung around here, the more I was desperate to go hunting.

"Did she hide the key somewhere?"

"No, she told me she didn't lock it; said she left in a hurry. There's not much in here of any value besides the papers in her bag, so she said not to worry about locking the door after I retrieve it."

"So now it's a bag? I thought you just said it was a carryall?"

She punched me again.

I was right behind Alice when she sat her books on the floor beside her and opened the door. It only took a second to hit me. I was in the middle of inhaling because I had something to say to her, but I never got anything out, because in the middle of my breath it permeated me. I dropped all the books I held, and stilled myself, frozen in a crouched stance. There was no mistaking it; every cell in my body reacted to that smell. It was Bella.

She had been here, and I quickly became intoxicated by what she left behind; it was freesia, ambergris, salvia and hibiscus, all laced with the heat and sting of thirst. I was inflamed, the sting of it just as strong as my first encountered with it. Everything I had remembered with my perfect recall was wrapped inside that smell, and its concentration floored me. I was definitely livid, I was in shock, and soon after I had become ravenous.

"O holy hell." Alice's eyes darted between me and office. She grabbed the briefcase, shoved me backwards into the hallway, and shut the door.

My exhalation became a yell at the top of my lungs, "What the—?"

Alice rushed to respond. She stood in front of the door as if she were guarding it. "I don't know, Edward—I swear I don't know what's happening, but I do know that you need to get out of here. If anyone comes down this hall while you're like this ..."

I growled at her. "She was here."

Alice didn't change her stance. "I know, Edward. I figured that part out already. I'll find out what I can and I'll call you as soon as I know something. Now you really, really need to go hunt. I think I should come with you—"

It took all I had in me to reply without any breath. The sound was guttural and sharp. "No—I'll be fine as soon as I get out of this building. I've changed my mind about my destination; I'm not going very far now. I will see you at the house—shortly."

I ran to my car so fast I was nearly airborne.

END OF ACT ONE