Chapter 6

Morning comes far to slowly. Sleep seems to evade me. But this stabbing, wrenching pain does not. I do not stop crying. I don't stop feeling. I wish I could just die inside. Be cold, emotionless. Then I couldn't get hurt like this. But we were made with emotions for some un-comprehendible reason. Finally the birds sing and the sun peeks over the heavens. The sky is grey. Like her eyes.

I don't bother to wipe my tears away, nor flatten my hair. It is all I can do to get dressed. I walk along the cobblestones, my breath misting on the cold winters morning. I think of the last time I was truly happy. My mind is drawn back to that autumn day lying under the trees, close enough to hear her heart beating. But her heart might not beat much longer. My hand in her hair. But her hair might not be there to touch anymore. But I know I'll always love her. That's all I can guarantee.

With winter brings despair and heartbreak. And the heartbreak will always continue. I'm walking beneath the bare trees now. The lake is frozen over, the ground crunches with each step. It is beautiful. The frost coats the earth beneath my feet like fairy dust, glinting in the early morning sun. And all I can think of is her laugh. My head hurts, my heart hurts. All I know is that soon all I love might be gone.

But it's stupid to think that she's going to die. Not all cancer kills you, right? And if you're strong you can pull through. Right? I'm convincing myself. She is the strongest, most beautiful being I've ever known. She is so… real, so alive. She won't die. She can't die. I hear a soft sob behind me. I turn and drop the bag I'd been carrying. I don't even look down at it as I stroll across the forest to her. She walks towards me. We don't say a word. I hold her and she holds me. She cries into my chest. I feel her slender body racking with sobs. And I never thought I'd be glad to see her cry. But I know that she feels what I feel now. Except for her its so much worse.

She has to deal with the fact of possibly, just, not existing. Just going. Poof. Gone with the wind. Not feeling, or caring as the rats eat her corpse. No colour, no emotion, just nothingness. Eternal nothingness. I break down again then. Hold her to my body; feeling her warmth, her tears mingle with mine. It seems like an eternity of silence, and crying and holding her there, before she breaks apart from me and says, her voice wobbling,

'Peeta.'

She says no more, but she doesn't need to. I know her; she can read me like a book.

'I'm here.' I whisper. Tears prick at my eyes again.

'It's, It's. Oh god. I can't say it.' She is sobbing.

'Katniss, don't you trust me? Don't you trust me to love you no matter what? Don't you trust me to not be angry?'

She half laughs, and half sobs

. 'The anger thing… not so much.' She almost smiles. 'But I would trust you with my heart no matter what.'

I take her hand and gaze into her tear filled eyes. I wipe away a single tear tracking down her face.

'Then tell me.' I breathe, moving towards her.

'They think it's terminal.'

I close my eyes. Of course it was terminal. Fate would never be so kind as to let me have a moment of happiness. I feel the tears coming. And they splash onto the top of her head. I run my hands through her hair.

'That lump.' I eventually get out.

'It was a tumour.' It wasn't a question. It was a fact. A simple statement. Then why did it make me die a little more inside?

'There's more'. She says.

I can't take more. No more. It hurts. Why does it always have to hurt? I close my eyes and breathe. A long, slow breath. Then I look her in the eye and will her to go on.

'I'm having an operation tomorrow. It may cure my cancer.'

Suddenly my heart leaps to my throat. I can see a way through the torment. She could be cured. But there's a catch. There's always a catch.

'But there's only a 30% chance I'll survive'.

My heart crashes and burns once more. A life without her. Without her voice, her laugh, her heart. Without her smile and teasing and endless emotion. It won't happen. I tell myself that. But I know I'm probably wrong. But until the day when the news reaches me that she's gone, I'm going to hold onto her. Hold her tightly and breathe in her scent, memorize her beauty. And every imperfection. I will hold her as long as I can. She won't give up. She's going to fight. I know it.

'Katniss. Why?' I say. I don't need to explain to her. It's written in my face. Why is fate so cruel? Why does she have to go? Why does she have cancer?

'The tumour erupted in my bones, I'm bleeding from no obvious injuries, I'm in pain full time. All the symptoms lead to cancer. I don't know Peeta. I don't know. Fate is a cruel, fickle master. Maybe our love is a game to fate. But I know its real. No game could feel this way Peeta. And I know just as surely that this is cancer. This is the end. I love you. You know I do. I don't say it enough. You are the most perfect human on all the earth. I will never let you get away from me.'

'Don't say it. Don't say this is the end. The end implies you're going to die. You're not. You're not going to die. Please don't die. I need you. You are the only thing that keeps me going through this bleak, endless life.' I wipe the tears from her cheeks, but my tears still fall.

'We will not go quietly Peeta. We will fight and struggle through, and wipe the smile from the face of fate. And even though I will go, you will stay. And maybe I'm lucky to die. You're right. This life is so bleak. But with you the bleakness turns to colour. I need you. But you will find somebody else. Somebody better. I love you. I always will. But don't be afraid to move on. Just not while my heart still beats for you.'

She holds my face, and presses her forehead to mine. Her eyes are closed. I can see the tears though.

'Katniss.' That's all I say. It's all I need to say. Her name is all I need. Her breath continuing is all that matters. All I need is love. And she is the only person I can love.

'Peeta. I need to go.' She says quietly. Through the stream that is our tears. She turns to leave but I catch hold of her hand and pull her back.

'Katniss. Don't go. Stay one more day. Stay a while longer. Just stay another day.' I plead. My body lurches as I sob.

'Peeta. I have to.'

'Do you? You could stay. I'll drop everything for you. Just stay with me.'

She cries as she shakes her head.

'When will you come back?'

She takes a deep breath.

'A week. Two. Maybe never. We need to face it. I may die. But from the stars I'll watch and make them all know of how they doomed us. I love you Peeta mellark. The boy with the bread.' She smiles through her tears as she says that last part.

'And if you're not back in two weeks?'

She takes my hand. 'You know the answer to that'.

I do. I know that if two weeks passes, then she is gone. Forever trapped in her cold, dead body. I'm still crying as I say,

'Then I'll see you in two weeks'.

She flashes me a weak, sad smile.

'Goodbye, Peeta. Thanks for saving my life.'

She takes a deep breath, kisses my forehead and turns to walk away.

I see her sobbing as she walks. But she doesn't look back. And I lie there, sobbing on the cold forest floor and watch the girl I love walk away.

Then I settle down, and begin to wait.