I will not stare at Bellatrix.

I will not scream, or burst into tears, or punch some random mudblood.

I will not picture Bellatrix naked.

I will not order Evan Rosier to stay away from her.

I will not bang my head against the table.

I will not stare at Bellatrix.

I will not bang my head against the table.

I will not...

Dammit! There's still more than an hour left of Potions class. I'm coping by mentally making myself write sentences. Some orders are more urgent than others but the repetition is starting to annoy me.

Shaun Avery, Evan Rosier, Bellatrix and I are in a group, working on a sleeping potion. Bellatrix, as always, is our self-appointed leader. She's got Avery measuring ingredients and Rosier referencing the instructions. She looks at me and mutters my name like it's a question.

I meet her eyes with more boldness than I actually feel and put an obedient expression on my face. She must sense some of my heartache because she shies away from our eye contact before I do. I'm usually the one who pulls away first. She's intense and even when we were together it was sometimes more than I could stand.

"Um," she murmurs finally. "Do you mind taking notes?"

"Of course not." I consent. She nods and goes back to stirring the cauldron.

Um, Do you mind taking notes? Six words, assuming "um" counts as an actual word. And my response was three. Nine words. Wow, that's the longest conversation we've had since the break up. It's almost hard to believe we used to talk for hours. Really, though, I'm just happy she said something other than "I don't know."

I wish Bellatrix and Avery hadn't traded seats. When she sat next to me, I could turn my head and stare at her as much or as little as I pleased. Now she's directly across from me and next to Rosier. What was the point in that trade anyway? The cauldron's in the middle of the table, she can access it just as easily from her old seat.

I've began addressing Shaun and Evan by their last names, like we're in different Houses or like we were never friends. The three of us are roommates, and less than a week ago they were my best friends aside from Bellatrix of course. But they took her side, they fear her but now both of them are showing a more than subtle interest in her.

I can't seem to think of Bellatrix as Black though. I can refuse to call her Bella and even rebelliously think of her as Trixie, for all the good that does, but I never want to be on anything less than a first name basis with the girl who is simultaneously the bane of my existence and the purpose of it.

I will not bang my head against the table.

I will not drink our unfinished sleeping potion and hope it kills me.

I will not stare at Bellatrix.

I will not...