Chapter Five

And just like that, Lily Potter had walked back into Severus Snape's life.

It was quite strange to him; to have an existing reason for thinking about her. Since the Dark Lord had fallen five years previously, Severus had rarely allowed himself to dwell on thoughts about his former best friend. She, along with memories of Hogwarts, James Potter, those damn Marauders and the Dark Lord had been pushed to the back of his mind; locked away in a box and the key thrown away. From that moment the Dark Lord was gone and Lily was safe. It was what he had strived for; and he succeeded.

And then he was free.

No master to grovel before; no woman to devote himself to. It was true; in the few months that followed he had considered the possibility of renewing his acquaintance with her. Just to see that she was okay, he had told himself; had lied to himself. But he knew even then, deep down, that he wanted more and that he would always want more; and that it was something she would never be able to give. Especially then, when she had been so devastated by the loss of her husband; so devoted to finding a cure. Dumbledore had warned him of that; had warned him off, he realised now when he was looking back. And a good thing too, for his concerns back then had been right; she was devoted to Potter. Hopelessly devoted as the case may be; even now.

With the Dark Lord's fall and Lily's survival, he had a second chance.

So he had made a choice. He moved on. He had said goodbye to that hopeless dream and he had moved on.

Five years later, here he was. He had everything he had ever wanted, everything he had ever dreamed of before he met Lily Evans. He was respected, admired; he was part of something big, something that made a difference in the Wizarding World. He may not have Lily anymore, the friend he had once had, but he wasn't lonely; not really. He had Regulus. And he had Lucius. He had his colleagues and his students. He even had Dumbledore on his side.

But there was a part of himself, a part he couldn't help, that still kept a hold of her in his heart. He didn't think about her consciously; didn't dwell on what had passed; but he could never be with another woman the way he had always wanted with her. There had been ladies in his life, of course; brief, inconsequential – on his side at least, he reminded himself with mild amusement and sheepishness. It was only during times such as those, times when woman had questioned his intentions, asked him those awkward questions about marriage, children, shared houses, shared lives, that he had found himself thinking about her. That was what he had wanted; he had loved her and it was sure and true. He may have let go of Lily; had moved on from that – but with that he had let go of that dream too. He had let go of hoping for a family.

He didn't need that anymore, he mused, as he glanced around the living room of the home he shared with Regulus Black. He doubted he would ever share a house with anyone other than him. It was perfect; if he wanted company, he would simply find himself in here, where Regulus would often be doing whatever he happened to be doing and, more often than not, he would then lose focus on whatever it was he was doing and begin pestering and mocking him about whatever caught his fancy. If he didn't want to deal with another's company, he would simply remain in his chambers at Hogwarts. There would be no heckling or hurt feelings; Regulus accepted it without question. However, more often than not, if he were not on patrol that evening in the castle, he found himself there in the evenings.

It was easy with Regulus. It had surprised him how easy friendship could be.

He had never had that with Lily or with his housemates while he was at Hogwarts. They had spoken about anything and everything before they went to that school; had never feared offending the other, had even teased one another. As soon as she had learned the prejudices she would soon face, her carefree attitude had changed. She had always been so sensitive to everything relating to it; she could interpret the innocent little thing as something completely different and then blow the whole thing out of proportion. She was quite the drama queen, he remembered; overreacting at everything. And incredibly defensive as well; she would attack before she could be attacked and, he supposed, that's what made his slip that final time so horrifying. She hadn't seen it coming. But she had hit back just as hard as he would have expected from her; more so, as it happened.

But she had been steadfast in her friendship with him, at least until that point, and had been the only person who had ever really cared about him. She had taken interest in anything he did, had willingly sought his company, had never looked down on him for his state of poverty in the muggle world and his half-muggle heritage had obviously never been something he had been concerned about when he was with her. She was his first friend; the first person who had ever made him feel like he was worth anything.

He rolled his eyes at his thoughts; getting sentimental, Severus? Wasting your time pondering on things that no longer mattered.

Except that they did matter. Now they did; at least somewhat. She was back in his life and, even after their first meeting, he was still unsure as to how to approach her.

Should he do so as an old acquaintance? An old friend? Or should he dismiss their past completely, as he had done for the past five years, and treat her as if they were two strangers? Two strangers, now colleagues.

Lily had surprised him that evening, when she had shown up in his office. Prior to that, he was pleased that he had survived the first meeting unscathed; they had exchanged pleasantries and his colleagues had been there to cushion the reunion – it had barely been a reunion at all, really. And he had escaped quickly, preparing to return to Hogwarts, and then she had appeared. And he was alone with her. Alone with her for the first time in so long.

He had stared, he knew, but she didn't seem to react to that. He couldn't help it. She was there, before him, looking exactly as he had remembered. He barely heard the words she had spoken, his mind racing simply due to her presence. It was as if the past five years had never happened and he had regressed back to his uncertain, mumbling old self that he was not proud to remember. He had managed to snap out of it, thankfully, but he was certain he had offended her with his words.

He hadn't meant to be as offensive as his questions had implied, but his nerves not only over her immediate presence but also for, inevitably, having to explain himself and his endorsement of her to his colleagues in the future had driven him to it. He wanted to push her; to challenge her, privately, and hopefully give her that push she would need to be successful.

It didn't matter that she had been offended, he reasoned with himself. What did it matter? It's not as if she held him in high regard, anyway, and doing so appeared to have ignited that fire within her that wouldn't rest until she had proven him wrong. She always had to be right, he remembered that well.

If she was upset or annoyed – in fact, whatever bad feelings she felt towards him didn't matter. Not if he had now pushed her to work to the standards necessary; the Project was all that mattered with regards to the two of them now. And, hopefully, his respectability within the company would not be damaged...

Severus attempted to convince himself that was all that concerned him. That it wasn't that distant look in her eyes; that indifference; that polite exterior, so completely different to the way they had once been, even after they had parted ways, that bothered him. It didn't bother him that she was back in his life, but not part of it. It didn't bother him that the reason she had come to him again had been because of him. He didn't care that, after five years, her love for Potter remained strong. That she was still fighting for him even though she had never fought for him. Hadn't been willing to fight for them.

For the first time in five years, he hadn't been able to reason with his mind the way he had always been able to. Hadn't been able to content himself with that thought; that he didn't care. That it didn't matter.

It did matter to him.

She still mattered to him. That infuriated him.

He didn't want that anymore. He didn't want to care.

But it was that that didn't matter. It didn't matter that he didn't want to care because he did. That one meeting with her had been enough for him to see it.

Just like that, Lily Potter had walked back into his life. And just like she had done when they were children; he was certain she was about to turn it upside down.

It infuriated him.

And it thrilled him.

Terrified him.

Elated him.

As always; there was no rationalising his feelings when it came to Lily Evans.

XXX

"I really don't think it's a good idea, Remus," Lily glanced through the doorway into the living room, where Harry still remained curled up asleep on the couch.

"Lily, please," his tone was almost pleading, surprising her with his intensity; it wasn't often he offered his opinion on how she was raising Harry. She quite decided she didn't like it at all; "We have to let him see his dad. He needs to develop a bond –"

"A bond?" Lily interrupted, turning her attention from her sleeping son to the man before her, "What bond could he possibly develop with..." she hesitated, stumbling over the words. She drew in a deep breath, attempting to keep calm as she released it; "Remus, the three of us decided years ago that it was best Harry didn't see James in his condition. James wouldn't want it."

"James would want to see him," Remus countered, "You believe he's still in there, right? Well, let him hear his son's voice. If he can see him, let him see his son."

"Remus," she glared at him, "It's for Harry's sake; James would know that it isn't in his best interests to see his father like that. It's better than he knows him from his memories; and from what we tell him."

She noticed the bitterness in his expression, as he looked away from her. His eyes rested on the photograph on the wall; the one of she, James and Harry not long after he was born. He shook his head, before he turned back to her;

"Lily..." he seemed to hesitate a moment before he went on, "I really think...I really think we need to do something; something that will help Harry establish a connection with James."

"He's his father, Remus," Lily walked by him, becoming frustrated, "He already has a connection to him. And I don't want my son upset, traumatised even, by seeing him like that."

"Lily, I must insist –"

"No, Remus, I must insist," she snapped, turning to face him again, "I must insist that you stop; it's not your place to decide this. I'm his mother, this is my decision."

"I'm sure Sirius would agree –"

"I couldn't care less whether or not Sirius would agree!" she hissed, glancing towards the doorway cautiously again, "Sirius has no more right than you to make this decision. This decision that I made five years ago; with both of your full support, I might add."

She noticed him look away from her, around the room, at the door, the cupboards, the table; he was anxious, she could tell. But about what? What had brought on his sudden insistence that Harry be taken to see James? He was only six years old; how could he possibly understand? Of course, Sirius had attempted to explain it to him and appeared to have quelled his curiosity; but to actually subject him to going there, to standing before his father who he loved, and be met with no response; no loving looks, no comforting words. Not even being able to feel his own father take his hand; ask him how he was coming along with school. To feel the devastation of loss.

She would not allow it.

"I won't allow it," she spoke her thoughts allowed, drawing Remus' eyes back to hers; "Accept that, Remus."

Remus held her look for a moment; his disappointment was evident, as was something else, but she couldn't quite identify it. Before she could question it further he nodded; "Fine." He picked up his jacket, walking by her; "Goodnight." He stopped by the couch, leaning down to press a kiss to Harry's head before he headed out the door, without looking back.

Lily watched after him, a growing feeling of unease growing within her after he closed the door. She sighed and shook her head, stepping through to lean on the doorframe, looking down at her sleeping son. Was she doing the right thing? Would it be better for Harry if he were to see James?

It wouldn't help anything. It would just upset him. Convince him that his father would never be coming home. Would it frighten him, seeing his father like that? She had never questioned her decision, their decision, to shield him from that. To spare him the pain of seeing someone he loved like that. She visited James, she knew the feelings associated with it; the pain, the sense of loss, of hopelessness.

She shook her head; no, she wouldn't put him through that. That pain she could prevent.

She walked over, lifting the blanket that covered him, and slid down onto the couch beside him. He stirred, looking up at her sleepily, murmuring her name as he did so. She shushed him and drew him into a hug. He smiled and snuggled into her, quickly drifting back off to sleep. Lily, however, did not find sleep so quickly as she held her son close.

Too many questions plagued her that night.

Questions about her son; about the way she was raising him. Sirius had told her the questions he had asked; that he was becoming confused by the living circumstances. Sirius had been quick to reassure her, explain that Harry would soon come to understand and that it was just a small hiccup. But it had remained on her mind since he had mentioned it; was she and Sirius living together, raising Harry, damaging to him? Would he face awkward questions from his peers?

It wasn't something she had really thought much in depth on when she and Harry had moved in with him; Remus had come with them too, after all. But when Remus eventually left, neither she nor Sirius had mentioned leaving. And she had come to depend on him. Though he infuriated him sometimes with his overprotective attitude towards her, very unwelcome as it was, he had become someone she could turn to. Someone who she trusted explicitly, as she did with Remus.

But their attitude towards Harry, and how he ought to be raised, was starting to put a strain on their relationship. She wondered if Sirius would agree with Remus; did he think Harry should be taken to see James, also? He had never mentioned it. In fact, Sirius very rarely mentioned James except when he was telling her off for focusing too much on him.

It hadn't always been that way though. Sirius had been very open about his grief in the immediate months that followed James' injury. He had vowed to avenge his best friend; to go after the Death Eaters who had attacked them. But, as time went by, as her determination to find a cure increased, his attitude changed. He became more calm; started trying to reason with her. He began becoming involved in taking care of Harry than he had been before; would feed him, change his nappies, even stayed up with him when he was ill with snakepox when he was two. Harry's welfare had quickly became forefront in his mind; and he also began becoming much more protective of her. That's when it started.

She knew that James had once spoken with him; had asked Sirius to take care of them if anything ever happened to him. It was hardly an unusual request; people were dying every day during the war and there was no reason it couldn't be one of them next. Though she didn't know if it was early on that he had asked Sirius, or if it was when they went into hiding. It didn't matter really. James had asked; and Sirius was doing his best to carry out his friend's wish.

Her eyes landed on the articles and research books she had left on the table when she had walked through the door. Her mind immediately snapped from one thought to another; went to the other person who had been on her mind most of that day.

Severus Snape.

It hadn't been as bad as she expected, their first meeting; though she hadn't really been sure what to expect. It had been so long since she had seen him. He wasn't friendly, nor was he unkind. Though his implication that she couldn't cope with the demands of the project had angered her greatly.

What right did he have to imply such a thing? Did he think her some incapable child? After all, she had been granted a place on the project, therefore she must have something going for her. If Healer Hopkins had faith in her, why didn't Severus? Severus who knew her well; or at least did. He knew her character better than anyone when it came to academia; he knew she always strived to do her best.

Or did he not know that anymore? Had he forgotten?

For all she knew, he hadn't thought about her since they had left Hogwarts. Perhaps even before that.

She shook her head; her mind always raced when she thought about him. There were so many questions that filled her mind. Did he still remember their younger years? If he did, how did he remember them? With pleasure or with regret? Was he ashamed of the relationship he had once had with her? She, a muggleborn? The idea seemed almost ludicrous, considering the organisation he now worked for; but then, considering that the organisation was owned by Regulus Black, whom she knew to be a Death Eater...

That only set of another round of questions. Severus had never been friends with Regulus at Hogwarts, therefore it had had to start afterwards. How had they known one another? Had they served Voldemort together? Had Severus joined the Death Eaters after all? Or perhaps it was his friendship with Lucius Malfoy that brought them into the same circle; Malfoy was accused of being a Death Eater also, but Severus had been close with him all through Hogwarts anyway, so it was of no real consequence.

But had Severus joined them?

It was something that weighed heavily on her mind. Had her friends been right about him? She found herself hoping not. She didn't know why, but it still disturbed her to think of him as one of them. She had told him she expected him to follow that path; that he had chosen that. She had never wanted him to; she had hoped he would prove her wrong. Not that it would have made much difference; she had severed ties with him and that had been it.

Really, it was none of her business what happened next.

But she couldn't help it; she cared about what happened. She wanted to know. Whose side was he on during the war? Was he on any side?

And what now? Did he still think about her? Did he care that she was on the project with him? Was he pleased to see her? Or had he dreaded it?

Harry murmured against her, nuzzling in further, snapping her out of her thoughts. She glanced down at him and smiled, softly. She noticed his eyes flicker slightly, before they opened fully. He looked up at her, sleepily. She ruffled his hair, inducing a smile; "Mum."

"Hello, sleepy head."

Harry's smile widened further, before he leaned down, cuddling in; "You said I could have a story tonight."

Lily smiled; "That's right I did. Do you want one now?"

He nodded, not lifting his head from her chest. Lily shifted slightly, getting more comfortable, and resolved to push thoughts of Severus to the back of her mind as she concentrated on her son; "What story would you like?"

"Um," he was quiet, thinking over the request, "The one about the wolf."

"Little Red Riding Hood?"

"No," he shook his head, "The one with the goats."

Lily smiled and nodded, "Okay," she wiggled, "Let's get comfy." Harry giggled and wiggled too, mimicking her movements. After a few moments she began;

"Once upon a time, there was an old goat..."