It was almost dawn by the time they got back to the house, Faith attempting to go right to her room but instead being pulled into the bathroom by Buffy. Her hands were a mess from punching the tree and a couple of demons they'd run into had split open her bottom lip. She was a mess on the inside as well as the outside and there weren't any band-aids that would just magically heal the wounds deep inside of her. Buffy sat her down on the edge of the tub while she got out the first-aid kit.
"B, I can take care of this myself."
"I know you can, but can you just let me do this?"
"Why?"
Buffy sighed as she grabbed a washcloth and wet it. "Because I want to," she said as she knelt down in front of Faith and began to gently wipe off the dried blood and the dirt from her hands. "I know you can't talk to me about a lot of things, Faith, and honestly I don't expect you to just open yourself up and tell me everything that's going on with you. I just want to understand what got you so worked up tonight."
"A lot of shit," she shrugged, holding back the whimpers as the pain shot through her hands. "It's all just getting to me lately, that's all. Can't expect it all to just go away overnight."
"Yeah, I know," Buffy sighed as she placed the washcloth on the edge of the tub and pulled out a roll of gauze. "Faith, I know there are a lot of things we've got to work through and that is going to take some time, but I just want you to know that things have changed. I've changed and I know you have too."
"Haven't changed all that much," she muttered under her breath as she watched Buffy slowly wrap the gauze over her hands. "I'm trying, but it's hard."
"I know," Buffy smiled a little as she sat back just a little and carefully examined her split lip from where she was without touching her. "Where'd you go off to the other night?"
"You still hung up on that?"
"I'm just curious, Faith."
"Well I already told ya where I went, B. Found a club, had a few drinks, and danced. You want the dirty details of what happened after I left the club or something?"
"Oh," Buffy said as the realization dawned on her of just what she'd done that night. "Forget I even asked. You know I don't want to know about those things."
"Quit bugging me about it, then," Faith chuckled softly and winced as she felt her lip split open a little more. "We done here? I'm fuckin' beat."
"We're done."
"B?" Faith said as Buffy stood up and put the first-aid kit back under the sink. "Thanks…you know, for earlier. For being there for me and shit."
Buffy just gave her a small smile as they walked out of the bathroom and went their separate ways. Faith tore the gauze from her hands as soon as she was in her room, knowing they'd heal just the same whether she had the cuts wrapped up or not. She'd only humoured Buffy, allowing her to clean up the mess of her hands. She groaned softly as she looked down at them, knowing it was just as bad as it looked. Fuming, she wrapped the gauze back over her hands, ripped off her clothes and climbed into bed.
Faith hated feeling this way, fired up, the adrenaline from patrol still rushing through her body, the feeling of vulnerability from breaking down, completely losing it in front of Buffy and Kennedy earlier, it was all too much. The one thing she just couldn't wrap her head around was the way Buffy had held her, the words she'd said to her that drove deep yet didn't quite stick.
Family. How could she believe that she was a part of what they, especially Buffy, considered to be a family? She'd never had a real family before. She'd only ever had her mother and the relatives she didn't care were alive or dead since she knew that for a fact they thought the same about her. Still, though, the way Buffy had just held her close—so tight, like she actually cared—until she cried the last of her tears had been so out of character for her that Faith still believed that maybe she was suffering from shock. She thought of the other things Buffy had said to her, but the words jumbled in her brain as exhaustion took over.
A few hours of sleep was all she seemed to need and it was all she seemed to be able to get. The sounds travelling through the house by the afternoon had woken her from a surprisingly dreamless sleep. She felt restless despite it all and laid in bed for almost an hour just listening to the others as they spoke downstairs. She wanted to get angry when she heard Buffy talking quietly to Giles about what had happened with her the night before, but she wasn't. She just felt the tears burning in her eyes yet again and she blinked them away, feeling them burn over her cheeks and hit the pillow. She got out of bed when she heard the quiet footsteps coming up the stairs and she'd not quite gotten dressed when she heard the soft knocks on her bedroom door.
"Yeah?" She called out as she slipped on her jeans and walked over to the door. "Hey," she said as she opened it to find Buffy standing there on the other side with two cups of coffee in her hands.
"I thought you might want..."
"Thanks."
"Can I come in and talk to you?"
"About what, B?" Faith asked as she walked over to the window and opened the blinds.
"About last night."
Faith motioned for her to sit on the bed and she stayed right where she was by the window, opening it a little and letting the warm late spring air drift inside. She could see a trickle of nervousness in just the way Buffy sat there on the edge of the unmade bed and ran her fingers over the rim of her mug, her eyes darting over the room. Buffy avoided looking into her eyes until finally, with a deep breath, she brought her eyes up to meet Faith's. Faith felt as if they were almost communicating silently, with words she didn't understand yet she did at the same time. It was one of those things she'd felt before, very rarely, around Buffy.
"What about last night, B?"
"I heard what Kennedy was saying to you. Is that what set you off?"
"Part of it."
"Why?"
"Don't know, B."
"No, I mean, why is she saying those things to you?"
"What things?" Faith asked, taking a tentative sip of her hot coffee and making a face when she tasted the sugar. "I think ya gave me the wrong mug, B."
"Sorry," she said softly as they exchanged mugs and Faith took a sip and smiled a little. "She was saying that we need to, you know...why would she say that?"
"Beats the hell outta me. Ken is just a fucking brat. Surprised ya haven't figured that out yet."
"Oh."
"Is that all?" Faith asked, sighing as she turned to look out the window. "Really not up to having some kind of heart-to-heart chat right now."
"It's all going to be on your terms and on your time, isn't it?" Buffy asked, her voice evenly cold.
"No, just fucking tired today, that's all."
"I thought we were doing okay, but after last night..."
"Buffy, we can't just snap our fingers and expect to be all best buds just like that. You know me...I've never been able to be friends with you or any of the others. Hell, I don't even know what it's like to have friends much less be one to someone else."
"You were doing okay," Buffy said quietly as she looked over at her. "I've been thinking a lot lately since we left Sunnydale. We've all been through a lot in the past couple of weeks, Faith."
"No shit. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger," she said under her breath. "Or just makes us want to kill each other even more so."
"I don't want to kill you," Buffy shot out, the sparks of anger flickering through her eyes as Faith looked over at her, bemused by her reaction. "I never wanted to before, not even when I..."
"When you gutted me with my own knife?"
"I...have I told you I'm sorry about that?"
"You just did."
Buffy let out as soft sigh as they stared at one another for what felt like hours. Faith knew exactly what she was waiting for, for her to apologize for all her wrong doings too. Where would she even start? She highly doubted that Buffy would take a single 'I'm sorry' for everything she'd done. She shook her head as she took another sip of her coffee, unable to take her eyes off of Buffy. She had to say something and even with the doubts she had, she knew she had to at least try to say she was sorry.
"Look, B, about all that shit before..."
"You're sorry," Buffy nodded. "I know."
"You do?"
"Why else would you have come back to help us and why else would you have come here with us if you weren't sorry?"
"Not afraid I could still be all evil and shit, plotting the right moment to kill you all in your sleep?"
Buffy laughed at that, her eyes just sparkling as she stared long and hard at Faith. "I highly doubt you're capable of that now, Faith. And for the record, I don't think you are evil. I never thought you were. You just...you had a lot of stuff going on and it didn't help that none of us were there for you. Well, I tried to be, but with Angel..."
"I get it. I'm over it, Buffy. What's done is done now. Gotta move on now, or at least try."
"That's what we're trying to do now, isn't it? Moving on?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"You think I don't know you, right?" Buffy said softly as she stared down at her mug in her hands. "I might not actually know you, but I understand you. At least I think I do. Like with before, years ago," she paused to take a sip of her coffee before looking up at her, "I was hurt with all the things you did, the way you just turned on all of us, but you know something? I got over it."
"Great. Good for you, B."
Sarcasm wasn't going to get her anywhere, but she didn't know how else to react. Buffy was on her own train of thought now and she knew she just had to let her talk and try not to fuck things up even more than she already had.
"You got this whole badass persona, but you know what I think? I think its horseshit. It's all just an act to keep everyone from getting too close to you."
"Angel said the same thing to me."
"When?"
"Before the drive out here when I talked to him on the phone."
Buffy nodded and watched as Faith opened the window wider and climbed halfway out. "What are you doing?"
"I'm having a smoke," Faith replied as she took her cigarettes out of her pants pocket and quickly lit one. "Too lazy to go downstairs. Besides, we're having a little heart-to-heart. Hate to break it up cos of this habit of mine."
"Why do you smoke anyway? You never used to before," Buffy asked softly as she walked over and stood near her. "You should think about quitting."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Bother you?" Faith asked, taking a long drag and inhaling deeply, smirking when Buffy shrugged and leaned against the window frame. "So, why do ya think it's horseshit, B?"
"Because I can feel it," she replied quickly. "I don't know how to describe it, but when you...I can just feel there's something else there, that's all. Like right now," she said as she poked Faith in the leg and laughed when Faith barely flinched, "I can feel this wall built up around you, yet you've let it down just a little."
"Have I?"
"A little bit, yeah."
"What else do you 'feel', Buffy?"
"Just you."
Buffy lowered her head, her hair falling around her face, hiding the blush the crept over her cheeks. Faith saw it, though, and it made her smile, just a little, for reasons she wasn't ready to listen to. Faith's eyes flickered over Buffy's body quickly, drinking her in without realizing she was doing it. She tore her eyes away before Buffy looked back up at her, taking another long drag and then sighing out softly.
"Why?" Faith asked, so quietly she could barely hear herself speak.
"Why what?"
"Why do ya care so much?"
"I don't know. I just do. Why do you have to question it? Why can't you just accept it, Faith?"
"Cos nobody ever gave a damn before."
"That's not true..."
"Isn't it?" Faith asked coldly, her hands shaking as she fought to keep from becoming vulnerable yet again. Twice she'd cried in Buffy's arms and she wasn't exactly looking to have it happen again. "Look, maybe everything we went through is just a lot of bullshit and misunderstanding. We're not gonna get anywhere trying to go through that shit how many years after the fact?"
"You're right. What's done is done. I'm sorry, you're sorry, moving on," Buffy said, a small smile forming as their eyes met. "It's going to be hard for us to trust each other, I know that, but I just want you to promise me you'll try."
"Only if you do, Twinkie."
"Shake on it?"
"Why don't you give us a kiss, B?" Faith winked as she watched the blush creep over Buffy's cheeks yet again. She reached for Buffy's hand and shook it, winking at her once more before letting go.
"Uh, you want more coffee?"
"Nah, I'm good."
"We're setting up the basement later," Buffy said as she backed up to the door. "Or now, actually. I figured since you live here too, you should get to have a bit of the say as to how it's all set up."
"I'll be down in a bit."
"Just..." Buffy trailed off as she stood in the doorway. "Just remember that if you need to talk you can come and talk to me or anyone else."
"Noted."
Faith turned to look back out the window, taking one last drag of her cigarette as she listened to Buffy's footsteps descend the stairs. It was a lot to take in, what they'd just talked about. It was also different, for lack of better words and understanding. Nothing in their conversation had been malevolent in any way or form, and it should have made her feel at ease, but it didn't. At least she and Buffy were on the same page when it came to the trust issues that were between them. It'd be hard to trust one another, not just because of all they'd been through, but also because they'd never had even a basic foundation of trust between them before.
She got back to thinking about Robin, about some of the things he'd said to her during the one and only night they'd been together. She wished now that she'd actually listened to him, instead of just pretending to while that ever-familiar high rushed through her body. She almost wished things could have been different. She wondered what it'd be like if he had lived instead of dying alone in the night in the small hospital in a small town she had long forgotten the name of. Would he have 'surprised' her, proven to her that not all men were the same? Would she have stayed with him longer than a couple weeks, given him a real chance? Would she have been able to fall in love with him?
She swallowed back the lump that formed in the back of her throat, knowing there was no point in thinking of those questions when there'd never be any answers. Ever. She knew she couldn't stay hung up on Robin, or grieve his death for too long. It was tearing her apart inside and she didn't like that feeling. She loathed it nearly as much as she did the darkness she could still feel inside of her, itching to come out and play. The only one, aside from Angel, who had seen past that mask she'd put on had been Robin. She was slowly starting to see that Buffy was looking at her that way now, as were the others. It made her nervous since she didn't know how to just be herself anymore. She didn't even know who she was, or who she'd become if she continued down this path she was on.
She didn't bother to go downstairs at all, she just closed the window, shut the blinds, and crawled into bed. This wasn't who she was either, but it was who she wanted to be for the time being. After saving the world, she deserved as much downtime as she needed. It was just too bad nobody else seemed to think that way. Despite not being completely exhausted, she managed to drift in and out of a light sleep for most of the day.
By that night her body was itching to get out there, itching to slay, to dance, to drink, to find someone to fuck, yet she knew the last three things would have to be scratched off the list. Responsibility had never been so hard. She'd never actually cared what others thought about her and the things she did, but after the last day and night she did care. She cared too much and she hated it. This wasn't who she was, she didn't feel guilty or feel that it was wrong to want to go out and do what she was used to doing. She grabbed her jacket and headed downstairs, fuming and trying to put on a forced laid back smile when she nearly ran into Buffy and Kennedy on her way out the door.
"Where are you going?" Buffy asked as she quickly grabbed her jacket and followed Faith outside. "Faith?"
"Patrol."
"Could you wait up?" Kennedy nearly shouted, struggling to put her boots on as she walked out the door. Faith stopped at the end of the driveway with Buffy standing a little too close to her for comfort and waited for Kennedy to get a move on. "Sorry, jeez. What's the big rush?"
"Just itching to get out," Faith replied as the three of them headed for the same cemetery they'd first gone to the night before.
She saw the look that Kennedy and Buffy exchanged, but she ignored it as she walked ahead of them. She ignored the quiet conversation the two were having and got lost in her own thoughts, her own urges that kept her walking past the cemetery and towards the club she'd been to the first night they were in town. Buffy was the first to catch up to her, grabbing onto her arm and forcing her to stop.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I need a drink."
"Faith, we need to patrol first."
"Whatever," she said as she grabbed Buffy's wrist and forced her hand away from her arm. "You two can cover for me for an hour, can't ya?"
"Faith, just stop!" Buffy said through clenched teeth. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing."
"We need to..."
"We don't need to do anything. What I need you to do is either join me for drinks, cover me on patrol, or just leave me the fuck alone, all right? Your choice."
"One drink wouldn't hurt, Buffy," Kennedy said softly, smiling over at Faith. "Come on. You can't stand there and tell us that we don't deserve to have a little bit of fun after all we've done lately, right? We saved the fucking world, didn't we? We deserve to have fun."
"She's right, B. Come on, pull that stick outta your ass and have a little fun!"
"I do not have a stick up my ass!"
"You do!" Kennedy laughed as she stood next to Faith, both of them watching the frustration, the anger, and then the amusement flicker over Buffy's face. "Prove us wrong then."
"And how am I supposed to do that?"
Faith chuckled as she reached for Buffy's hand and pulled her towards the line that led to the club. She dragged Buffy to the front of the line and smiled ever so sweetly at the bouncer, who obviously recognized her from the other night. He let the three of them in without question and without even having to pay the cover charge. Faith and Kennedy dragged Buffy through the packed club towards the bar, ignoring her half-hearted protests. They weren't exactly dressed to be there at the club, but they didn't seem to care as Faith led them around to a table near the bar and they sat down.
"What'll you have, B?"
"Faith, you brought me to a gay bar?" Buffy asked in a hushed whisper as she glanced furtively around the club, looking rather nervous at the amount of same sex couples dancing on the dance floor together.
"Nah," Faith replied, shaking her head as she motioned for the server near the bar to come over. "It's just gay friendly, B. Don't stress over it."
"We should all have a girls' night one night. Willow would love it here," Kennedy said with a smile as the server approached the table.
"Three shots of Jack and three beers, something light," Faith said to the server, a woman barely in her twenties that Faith had recognized from the other night as the other half of the couple she'd slept with. She didn't let that realization show in her eyes as she let the woman look her up and down before she wrote the order down on her little pad of paper and walked away.
"Did you see the way she looked at you?" Kennedy asked as she leaned over and the two watched her walk away. "She looked at you like she wanted to fuck you and punch you at the same time."
"Probably wanted seconds," Faith replied, winking at Kennedy who just grinned widely at her. "I don't do seconds."
"Seconds?" Buffy asked, having no idea what they were talking about. "Seconds for what?"
Faith laughed and shook her head as the woman walked back over to the table with their drinks on a tray. She smiled uneasily at Faith as she slid a napkin into Faith's hand before she walked away. She looked down and saw her number and a name, Julie, written down on it. Kennedy looked over and smirked as Faith crumpled the napkin up and tossed it to the floor.
"Did she just give you her number?" Buffy asked, raising an eyebrow as Faith nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders. "Why would she...oh. I get it now."
"Was she any good?" Kennedy asked as she lifted her shot glass, waiting for Buffy and Faith to lift theirs before they all took them back at the same time. "Or was she just bad despite how banging she looks?"
"Well, her boyfriend wasn't bad. I give her props for her enthusiasm in...y'know," Faith said as she clicked her tongue against her teeth.
"You had a threesome?" Buffy said quietly, her voice a little high as the shock settled in.
"Jealous?" Faith chuckled as she took a sip of her beer. "So, now that we've wandered into the topic of sex, tell me something, Buffy. Have you ever had a threesome?"
"No!"
"You ever wanted to?"
"Oh god, I am not talking about this!"
"That means yes," Faith said quietly to Kennedy as Buffy's face flushed a deep red. "What about you, Ken?"
"I have, but not with a man in the mix," she replied, smiling over at Buffy who flushed an even deeper red at that. "Oh, don't worry Buffy, it wasn't with Willow. This was long before I came to Sunnydale."
"Can we not talk about this?" Buffy muttered as she looked down at the beer bottle she clutched rather tightly with both hands. "This goes way beyond my comfort zone."
"Hey, you wanted to prove to us that you didn't have a stick up your ass," Faith said, trying hard to keep a straight face and finding it next to impossible as she let a small laugh escape.
They sat there and drank their beer, none of them saying a word after that. They left before the crowded club got even busier and headed straight for the cemetery. Buffy kept looking at Faith, her eyes searching for Faith's and never once able to hold her gaze for more than a second at a time. Faith knew that she wanted to talk about what had been talked about in the club and she knew that Buffy was having a hard time finding a way to talk about it. Faith could only chuckle to herself every so often. She stopped walking and sat down on the bench at the side of the gravel path.
"What'd you stop for?" Kennedy asked as she stood in front of her for a moment before she shrugged and sat down next to her. "I don't feel that buzz like the other night."
"Me neither."
"Does that mean it's going to be a slow night?"
"Dunno, Ken. Can't blow off patrol just cos it feels like it could be a slow night," Faith replied softly, seeing Buffy smile a little as she walked over and joined them on the bench. "Right, B?"
"Right," she nodded, smiling as she looked up at the stars in the sky. "Wait a minute, did you just..."
"What?" Faith smirked as she nudged Buffy's shoulder with her own. "Y'know, I can have a little fun and be responsible in the same night."
"Yeah, I can see that."
"Let's move on to the next area," Faith said as she stood up from the bench. "I'm kind of thinking word has gotten out about this place and us. Gonna have to find a way to track down the word that floats around about the underground."
"And how do you propose we do that?" Buffy asked, standing up and moving to stand next to her.
"Find ourselves a snitch," Faith replied. "Got to be at least one around here. The trick is in trying to figure out where to find 'em."
Kennedy groaned as she got up and followed them out of the cemetery. Faith stopped for a moment, feeling out the energy coming from the Hellmouth and the energy coming from Buffy. She tried to focus on just one, the Hellmouth, and let it lead her to the next cemetery several blocks away. She fell behind, kind of listening in to Buffy and Kennedy's quiet conversation about planning a night out at least once a week just for fun. Faith's eyes were darting all over the dark cemetery, searching for what she knew was out there waiting for them, hoping to see them first before they were sought out and hunted down like animals.
This was the part of slaying she'd missed the most while she'd been in prison, the hunting part of it all. Sure, the vampires and the demons thought they were the hunter, but in Faith's mind, they were the prey. She tried to stay close to Buffy and Kennedy as she gripped onto her stake, ready to reach for the knife she had strapped to her shin just above her ankle and hidden under her jeans.
She stopped when she felt it. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Buffy stop too and she knew that she could feel it also. The evil, the darkness, just creeping along as if it belonged there. They moved to stand on either side of Kennedy, both of them prepared to protect her if she couldn't protect herself.
"What is it?" Kennedy asked faintly as she reached for her stake and held it tightly. "Faith? Buffy?"
"Shut up," Faith snapped as her eyes darted around the shadows, trying to find the ones that moved, the ones that didn't belong. "First rule of slaying..."
"Don't die?"
"Don't speak unless you want to attract whatever is out there to you quicker, before you even figure out what it is," Faith said softly, she and Buffy sharing a small, knowing smile when Kennedy only scoffed in reply. "Uh, B?"
Faith stood there as three large demons stepped out of the shadows. Buffy gulped as she leaned in to whisper to Kennedy to get out of there as quickly as she could. Faith reached for her knife and tossed it to Buffy without a second thought. Kennedy didn't listen, she just stood there stock still.
"What? Always come prepared, B."
"And what are you going to use?"
"I'll uh, compromise. Come up with something creative. I don't know. I'll figure something out. These guys are butt fuckin' ugly. The question is...can they actually fight?"
"We'll find out," Buffy replied, looking over at her for a moment. "Kennedy..."
The demons attacked and they each fought with all that they had. Faith snapped the neck of hers almost instantly, the demons proving that, despite how big they were, they weren't fighters. She got up and ran to help Kennedy, knowing she couldn't take it alone. She wasn't trained nearly enough and it was so clear in the way she tried to throw her punches. Faith groaned as she leapt on the demon's back and quickly snapped its neck. She leapt off before it fell to the ground, looking over at Buffy who had just snapped the neck of the demon she'd been fighting.
"Goddamn," Faith breathed out as Buffy handed the knife back to her. "Quick fight."
"Too quick."
"Are you two actually complaining that it was too easy?" Kennedy asked, rolling her eyes as she leaned against the tree next to her. "I can't believe it. Either it's too easy or it's too hard. I'd be happy that it was easy this time around."
Both of them shrugged as they started walking down the gravel pathway towards the entrance. Faith could still feel her heart racing, her breath catching in her chest when she tried to breathe normally. It was a quick slay, but it had rendered all three of them nearly breathless. They walked back to the house quickly, Kennedy going on and on about how lame it was that they had to go back and report to Giles right away. Rather than explain to her why, Faith told her to go off and find Willow, breathing out a sigh of relief when she took off up the stairs without another word.
They found Giles sitting in the living room looking over the evening paper as he lounged on the armchair. Faith sat in the other as Buffy explained to him about the demons they had come across. Faith was barely listening. She was fighting the urge to have a cigarette and trying to ignore the softest sighs and moans she could hear coming from upstairs. She shifted in the chair a little bit, trying to get comfortable as she tried not to let the sounds get to her.
After half an hour, she'd had enough. She apologized to Buffy and Giles as she walked out, promising them she'd get caught up on their theories about the demons they'd faced when she got back in the morning. She walked quickly to the club and slipped around the back alley, waiting for the back door to open before she slipped inside and went off in search of the server, Julie. She sat herself at the bar and looked around. She wished she hadn't tossed her number or else she could have just waited until later, given her a call from the payphone outside her and her boyfriend's apartment, and set up a second hook-up with the two of them.
She didn't do seconds, ever, but she didn't care this time around. She needed an easy lay and what was easier than one she'd landed once before? She flashed Julie her sexiest smile as she walked past with a tray of empty glasses. They exchanged a look and it was all it took, no words needed. Words in situations such as this were nearly useless as so much more was said with just a single look. She went to the staff bathrooms and waited for nearly five minutes before Julie came back.
"Just you and me this time?" Faith asked softly as Julie pulled her into the small supply closet.
"Yes, it's just you and me this time," she breathed out as she kicked the door shut and jumped into Faith's arms, crushing her lips against Faith's before another word was spoken.
Faith lost herself then, as she always did. Her mind just drifted off and she caught back up with it once she was out of the club and lighting up a cigarette while she fixed her belt buckle. She slipped the napkin with the phone number into her pocket this time, figuring she'd give Julie another go if she couldn't find anyone else that would scratch her itch quite as well as she did. She shrugged off the sudden wave of guilt that washed over her as she walked through the alley towards the street. She had no reason to feel guilty. This was what she did, this was who she was, and this was who she'd always be.
She pushed out the thoughts of the talk she'd had with Buffy on the short yet seemingly never-ending walk back to the house. However, she couldn't get rid of those thoughts as easily as she would have been able to before. Something had changed since the night before, maybe even before that, and she couldn't quite put her finger on just what, or why. She stood at the end of the driveway and stared up at the house for the longest time, feeling out of place and feeling that sense of home all at the same time. She hated feeling this way. She hated bouncing back and forth, never finding the right path to go along and always finding her way back to where she'd been before. The one other thing she hated was the fact that no matter how much she wanted to change who she was, there'd always be one part of her that would stay the same.
There were just some parts of her she'd never be able to change and what she'd just done with that server at the club was one of those things. She couldn't just stop being who she was even though she knew she could begin to change pieces of her life wherever it mattered to her the most. She ran a shaky hand through her hair as she walked up to the front door and let herself in. With a sigh of relief that nobody was awake, she closed and locked the door behind her before heading upstairs to take a quick shower before she went to sleep. And she tried so hard not to let the guilt get to her, but it was impossible when Buffy opened her bedroom door and just looked at her. The disappointment in her eyes said more than words could say.
And just like that the door was closed and she knew that once again they were back to square one.