I'm (Not) Falling In Love
Previously: ...all hell proceeded to break loose.
"Nicky?" I shouted, livid. What the hell was he doing here, in my refuge? He stepped off of the bus, and smirked in a way that had once made me go weak at the knees. Now, it disgusted me.
"Hello, Isis. You didn't really think you would get rid of me, did you?" he asked me with a snort. I had been hoping I would, but apparently I'd been a fool to think that. The bus driver grabbed Nicky and took him to see Mr. Sir, and I was left with 6 boys looking at me, hoping for an explanation.
Crap.
"Who was that?" asked Arsenic, laying down his shovel and crossing his arms. The others looked at me expectantly, waiting silently for me to tell them everything. I put down my shovel and sat down, hard on the rocky terrain. How could I explain the presence of Nicky, my one time love, now what represented all of the bad in my life?
I couldn't. Not without telling them everything—and I could never tell them everything. I don't... understand. I don't understand what I ever did to make my life go like this, not a single thing.
"That was Nicky." I said simply, holding my head in my hands. "You have to help me," I told them. I hoped they would. "I'll try and explain why later, but for now... can you please help me?" my voice shook with my anger, I was close to tears. They all nodded, we picked our shovels back up and we carried on digging in silence.
And then...
"You've got a friend in me," sang Antsy softly, still digging. "You've got a friend in me," he sang again, a little louder.
"When the road looks rough ahead, and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed, just remember what your old pal said, "you've got a friend in me,"" Arrow joined in, his voice rumbling gently as he rhythmically dug his hole.
"You've got a friend in me," sang Antsy, Arrow and Ape.
"You've got a friend in me," Axis and Axe added their voices to the cacophony.
"You've got a friend in me," now all of the boys were singing as we dug, even Arsenic, and I listened in silence, hating the fact that if I joined they'd probably all stop, unable to bear the noise.
"If you've got troubles, well I've got them too," sang Antsy on his own.
"There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you," sang Axis heartily
"We stick together and we see it through," Arrow sang with a smile
"You've got a friend in me," They were a chorus once more. "You've got a friend in me,"
"Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am," that was Axe, looking like he didn't believe that at all.
"Bigger and stronger too, maybe," Ape sang, swinging his big strong arms around with a grin.
"But none of them will ever love you the way I do, it's me and you," sang Arsenic sheepishly, going a little bit pink underneath his tanned skin.
"And as the years go by, our friendship will never die," I said, clearly not singing, because I was terrible at it. Then they all sang the rest of it over the sound of shovels moving dirt slowly.
"You're gonna see it's our destiny, you've got a friend in me, you've got a friend in me, you've got a friend in me..."
The impromptu singing cheered me up slightly and we all dug ferociously, wanting to get back to camp so we could talk and work out our next move. We were done in record time, and we walked back to camp thoroughly exhausted. It was time for me to tell them. It was time for me to confront the truth.
The truth.
It was something I hadn't thought about for a while now. I'd been a little busy, what with getting settled in and digging holes and proving time and time again that I was not a girl to be fucked with. But now, I had to remember my horrifying past and all of the baggage that came with me and—apparently—followed me into a boy's camp in the middle of the desert.
Because life wasn't stressful enough as it was as a sarcastic delinquent without added stress to make life just that little bit more exciting. Give me a break.
"Right, the truth." I said. They all looked at me expectantly. "That was Nicky, my boyfriend. Somehow the bastard managed to get here."
"You have a boyfriend?" asked Arsenic, Ape and Axis.
"Wait... that was your boyfriend?" Antsy asked me, looking horrified.
"Wait... you had a boyfriend, and you never told us about it?" Arrow asked me in disbelief.
These reactions were what I'd expected—or what I should've expected, at least. What really surprised me was Axe's reaction. He came over to me, and gave me a hug, keeping calm and not saying anything negative. Instead, he said in a quiet voice "Explain," and so I did.
I told them about Nicky, the 15 year old guy I'd started going out with at 14, two and a half years ago. He had been cute and charming. He seemed to care about me, and listened to me when I needed him to. No one else had ever listened to me before. No one else had ever cared as much as he did. And that, in the end, was something he rarely let me forget—he relished holding the fact that he was the only one who really gave a damn about me over my head. In arguments, he would use it as a trump card, as a threat. He used it to manipulate me, said if I didn't do what he wanted, he would leave me and I would be alone. I was terrified of being alone. My dad was dead, or he just never cared enough about me to get in contact, and my mother was paralytic. Ever since I was young she'd been saturated with alcohol. I was just even more aware of it when I was older.
School was the only time I could try and attempt to lead a normal life. It was the only warm place I could find, and I even had a few friends there. But it was where I met Nicky, and it was where I began to let him become the most important part of my life. By 15, I was doing drugs, drinking, and having sex with Nicky. In exchange for food, water, a warm place to live...
And he never let me forget it, of course. By the time he had me stealing and doing crimes, I'd woken up, realised how stupid I'd been. When I found out about Harriet... that was when I knew he'd never loved or cared for me at all. She was another one of his. And there were others. Ruby, Amy, Gina. On weekends, there was Sia, Lia and Mia (triplets with cruel parents), Karen, Carol and Deana. And they all knew about each other, and about me. I had been the only one stuck in the dark. And that was fine. But I'd needed to get out of there, fast, and the only way to do that was to stay a while, go along with his plans, and then when I was next asked to steal something, cock it up and get sent somewhere—anywhere—away from him.
But I was asked to murder someone instead—something I would hopefully never do, no matter what the circumstances were—a man, Alex Johns, who had (for some reason) offended Nicky. I made sure to stab him in his leg, where the damage wouldn't be too bad, and I did it in front of the police so that I would get caught. And then, at my trial, I had pleaded guilty and when they tried to make me go to the local prison I had protested. Wasn't there somewhere far away I could go? Anywhere?
So they sent me to Camp Green Lake, figuring that would be punishment enough; a girl going to a boys camp would be seen as humiliating and also, the inmates would probably bully me out of my 'bad habits' such as stabbing people. And now, Nicky had somehow managed to find me, and had got himself sentenced here.
Of course.
As I finished explaining my shitty situation, the boys looked at me in silence. There had been no interruptions, mercifully, just silence as I told them about my life as a twisted teen. They didn't judge. They just sat there, knowing that my issues ran deep and not caring. They all had issues too, didn't they? Why else would they have been here, if their lives weren't fucked up too?
"Acacia, it's going to be okay." Said Arsenic eventually. He took my hand and squeezed it tightly, and I was suddenly thankful that I'd made friends with all of these guys. They were... there for me, even Axe, who claimed to hate me. They were the... weirdest people I'd met in my life. Odd. And I was so happy to have found them, even if it had taken a load of shit to get to this point in time.
The shit had, in the end, been worth it.
"So, what are we going to do now?" the question was posed by Antsy, who was looking anxious. Very anxious. So anxious, in fact, that I had the urge to give him a hug and ask him what was wrong—and then I realised that he was completely freaked out by Nicky, my charming boyfriend.
"You do realise he's not going to kill anyone, right?" not yet, anyways. I added on mentally. "He's probably just here for me, you know. He's probably just here to," I paused as I attempted to find an appropriate word "talk."
"Talk?" asked Arsenic angrily. "You don't really believe that, do you Acacia? You—did you even see the way he looked at you?"
"He looked at me," I started loudly "Like I was a piece of meat, like I was a trophy he owned." Arsenic nodded, anger faltering. "And that," I finished "is because as far as he knows, I do belong to him and I am just a piece of meat."
"And you go out with him?" asked Arrow incredulously. "You don't even like him, do you?"
"It's complicated!" I said, his contempt for me pissing me off. "Weren't you listening when I told you about why I started going out with him? Don't you know that he could kill my mum if I don't stay with him? And then I would truly have no one in this world, other than him."
"You have me." said Arsenic seriously, looking me straight in the eyes. His brown eyes were warm and reassuring. "You have me. You're not on your own in this, Acacia."
"For now," I snapped. "For now I have you. But what about when we get out of this place? What happens when we get back to reality, and go home or wherever? We won't stay in touch. We might try to, but it just won't happen. You will forget about me, as soon as you are gone, and I will be alone again. Please don't try to make promises you can't keep." I begged him, hoping he would see that while it was a kind gesture, it just wasn't practical or realistic to assume we would ever see each other again when we got out of this place.
"While I am here, you are safe," he assured me softly. "And when I am gone, I will be waiting for you. You get out in August next year, right? And I get out in July next year. I will wait the month for you, and you can stay with me and be safe." When he put it like that, it sounded so tempting and idyllic. Just what I wanted and needed. But where would we live? And how would we get by without any money?
"Hello, Isis." Said Nicky, his snide voice preceding his entrance to our tent. "Have you missed me?" he asked me with a sarcastic smile. I frowned.
"Now that you mention it, no, I haven't." I replied shortly, wanting him to just leave me in peace.
"Aww, come on, Ice. You know you're the only girl for me," he chuckled. I snorted.
"That's funny. I know of ten other girls who'd contradict you." He shrugged his shoulders, uncaring.
"They're not half as amusing as you are, my dear. Not even half the girl you are—and that's quite a compliment, considering. You see, none of them quite have your smile. Or is it that they cannot replicate the steel in your eyes? No, it must be that none of them can take ecstasy in that... special... way of yours. You're the only girl I know that makes drug taking look so glamorous." I wanted to hit him, but I knew—and he knew too—that I couldn't and wouldn't. I'd be a fool to try and take him on in conditions like these, with my body severely dehydrated and malnourished.
But, I did have muscles I'd never had before. I was a lot stronger than I had been. All I would need to do would be to get him before I'd done my hole of the day, to ensure maximum strength—and maybe wait until he'd dug a few and felt weak and horrible too. Then, using brute force and the power of extreme anger, I would be able to hit him. Hard. Multiple times.
But I was already in a correction camp. Violence was something we were supposed to be over with. Though that didn't mean that sometimes it wasn't necessary. Sometimes violence was crucial in survival. Survival of the fittest.
"I'm not that girl anymore, Nicky. I'm not the girl that you could bully. I don't do anything I don't want to, now." I told him defiantly.
"But you were once that person, my dear. You could be her again." he pointed out. He made it sound like it was inevitable—that he would wave his hand and I would fall to my knees and bow, content to do as he commanded of me. Truthfully, I couldn't have been farther away from that mindset.
"I will never be that person again. I won't let myself." He smiled at me, as though I were a naive child.
"We'll see." Was all that he said before giving me a last stare, and leaving our tent.
I let out a sigh of relief and fell back on my hard cot, shaken. And then I let myself do something I hadn't wanted to in years—I let myself cry.