The Horrors of Parenthood

By Light-Eco-Sage

Rated: PG-13 for language and romance stuff. (DaxterxTess, JakxKeira, and TornxAshelin)

Summery: Post Jak 3. Both Jak and Daxter get a taste, or in one case, a whole feast, of parenthood. Will they survive?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, so no lawsuits.

LES: In honor of my own dislike of children. I tell you what, I am NEVER gonna have kids. Sort of inspired by an old comic book.

Ah… a lovely spring day in Haven City. No, seriously. The skies were actually clear, the birds were singing, happily, and romance was so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife. Only one person seemed to be unaffected by the spring fever.

Now, I'm guessing that you think that it's Jak who wasn't happy. But that wouldn't be true at all. He had no missions since Errol got killed; he had his girlfriend, Keira. (He saw his mistake in kissing Ashelin and went back to be with Keira.) And he just about had one of the worst cases of spring fever ever seen.

No, it was actually Daxter who wasn't happy. He had just learned something horrible, something that threatened his very happiness on this fine, spring day. And, like most people who are having a bad day, Daxter was spending it getting drunk at the Naughty Ottsel, which he owned.

Most of his friends were there too, because Daxter gave small discounts to his friends. Jak and Keira were in a corner, making out in front of everyone; while Samos just tried to ignore the whole situation. Sig was playing the bouncer, Torn and Ashelin were taking a drunken break from ruling/commanding, and Tess seemed nowhere in sight.

After what seemed an age, Jak detached himself from Keira and stared at his friend. "Hey, Dax." He called across the bar. "What's up? You don't look so good."

"Shut the hell up and leave me alone." Was Daxter's only reply.

"Hey, what was that for?" Jak asked. "Hey, whatever it is, I can help. Remember, I'm… er… what was the exact wording?"

"You are the Greatest of Heroes." Keira supplied helpful.

"Exactly. See, if I can't help you… who can?"

Daxter sighed. "Okay. You know how I'm kind of a Precursor?"

"Yeah?" Jak urged.

"And you know how Tess is kind of a Precursor now?"

"Yeah?"

"Well… let's just say that there are going to be a bunch of little Precursors running around in a few months." Daxter finished lamely.

It took only a few seconds for Keira to figure out what Daxter meant. "Daxter… do you mean… Tess is pregnant?"

If there had ever been a more punctuated silence in the history of the world… no, there had never been a more punctuated silence in the history of the world. Jak's eyes widened until it couldn't be thought that they could widen anymore. Samos, who was trying to drink the whole 'Jak and Keira' relationship away, suddenly spat out a mouthful of whatever drink he was having. Sig fell off of the bar stool that he had been sitting at. Torn and Ashelin actually stopped making out. Finally, after what seemed an age, Daxter nodded.

The reaction was immediate. Keira screamed. "Oh my God! I can't believe it! Tess is going to have a baby! Oh my God! Oh my God!" The repeated 'Oh my God's lasted for quite awhile.

Jak's mouth was hanging open. It appeared that he had another muteness attack, as he didn't say anything. His brain simply couldn't handle the information and had overloaded.

"Well…" Torn said. "I guess I can't say Daxter doesn't have any manhood anymore."

"Oh my God!" Ashelin said. "The spawn of Daxter and Tess! They are gonna be out of control!"

Keira finally noticed Jak, who still hadn't come out of shock. "Jak, are you alright?" She asked. Jak didn't answer.

"Where's Tess?" Ashelin asked.

"Oh, around." Daxter said.

Suddenly, Tess, right on time, walked into the room. Two women immediately jumped her, quite a scary ordeal for a small Ottsel/Precursor.

"Oh my God, you're pregnant?"

"Good luck…"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I'll be praying for you."

"What? Daxter? You told them?" Tess asked Daxter, who nodded. Then she spotted Jak, who was on the verge of drooling on himself. "What's wrong with him?" She asked.

"Still in shock, poor cherry." Sig said.

Suddenly, Jak seemed to come too… almost. "Haha, great joke, Dax."

"It's not a joke! I'm dead FLIPPIN' serious!" Daxter yelled.

Jak didn't say anything for a second. "Oh my God. I can't believe this at all…" Jak paused, then his face brightened. "You're gonna be a DAD!"

It seemed that little statement finally brought home the fact that Daxter was going to be a dad, as he suddenly fainted.

(Several Months Later)

Jak, Keira, Samos, Sig, Torn, and Ashelin were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital… vet. Jak was busy being stared at. I mean, he's famous! The Grand Racing Champion of Haven City, the Dark One, the Light One, and the Greatest of Heroes. Those titles kind of give you some recognition.

Keira was sitting on Jak's lap, in her opinion, the coziest place in the world; and waiting for any news.

Samos was busy trying to ignore the fact that his daughter was sitting on Jak's lap.

Sig was cleaning the Peacemaker.

Torn and Ashelin were… uh… working on plans to rebuild the city… one kiss at a time.

Suddenly, the door to the maternity ward burst open and Daxter came running out. "It's a boy!" He had time to yell before running back in… or before anyone had time to congratulate him.

"A boy?" Keira asked. "I bet he's going to be just a big a flirt as Daxter was… is."

"Guess that kind of makes me an uncle." Jak said. "Not a real one, but an… emotional one."

"Look at Mr. Unemotional talking about emotion." Torn said.

"Shut up, Torn." Jak spat.

Suddenly, Daxter ran back out. "Oh my God! It's a girl!" He ran back in.

Everyone looked at each other. "Twins?"

However, they hadn't seen the last of this… not by a long shot. In fact, Jak began to lose count how many times Daxter had run in and out of the doors. Let's just say, it was a lot of times.

Finally, Daxter ran out one last time. "Boy." Was all that he said.

"Is that it?" Torn asked. "It should've been over about two hours ago."

"Jak, come with me really quick." Daxter said. Jak shrugged and got up, however, instead of leading him to the ward, he began to lead him over to the pay phones.

"What's all this about?" Jak asked.

"You know how some diaper companies will give free diapers to families that have… say… five kids. Well… let's just say, I need diapers!"

So, that's how Jak ended up on the phone, talking to a diaper company. "Yeah, you know how you sometimes give free diapers to people who have like… five kids?" Jak asked.

"Yeah." The person on the other line said. "How many kids?"

"Uh… more than five…" Jak said.

"Five! Squared! Hurry!" Daxter yelled.

"Uh…" Jak said, doing quick thinking. "About twenty-five or so. Do these need Shipping and Handling?" Once Jak was done on the phone, he turned to Daxter. "Twenty-five?"

"Uh… we've been using fertility drugs." Daxter said.

Jak slapped his hand to his forehead. "Oh, why won't you blasted Precursors have mercy on me?"

"Hey, don't you swear against the brotherhood of the Precursors!" Daxter said. "Besides, they're my kids, I should be the one asking for mercy!"

"You're right." Jak said, taking a calming breath. "I should remember… at least it's not me!" Jak walked back over to the waiting room to join Keira so they could go see the mini-Precursors.

(Few Weeks Later.)

"So, you've finally got them all counted?" Jak asked.

"Yep. Twenty-four kids. Crying, whining, vomiting, all needing an education." Daxter said with a forlorn expression. "I suddenly feel like I have a lot more responsibility all of a sudden!" Daxter suddenly paused, an evil smirk playing across his face. "Say, you doin' anything tonight?"

Jak stupidly answered the truth. "No. Keira said she has something to do… I don't know. I wasn't really listening." Suddenly, Jak realized that he just said he had nothing to do. He slapped his hand over his mouth like he had just said a disgusting swear word. He was sure that Daxter was going to give him something to do.

(That night)

As it turns out, Daxter did give him something to do. The worst type of job in the whole world. Jak had his own fair share of nasty jobs. But, compared to this, he'd rather be eaten by a Metal-Head. Babysitting twenty-four hyperactive baby Ottsels.

While they were only a few weeks old, they were a problem. While an elvin child of the same age needed only minimal care, it seemed that Ottsels mature a lot faster than elves. These were already like toddlers, and they got into EVERYTHING! And they cried A LOT! And they were NEVER happy!

Only with the help of his Light side reminding him that they were only children that kept him from going Dark and eating them. Besides, he wasn't sure how Daxter and Tess would handle it if he ate their offspring. But even Light couldn't help him from almost going insane.

Daxter and Tess had told him to put them into bed at seven o'clock. However, it was almost eight o'clock, and not a single one seemed to want to stay in bed. Jak was desperate, and they were crying for no reason. Jak couldn't help but think that he had brutally murdered people who didn't complain as much.

Let's just face it. Jak had never REALLY known his father. Sure, he sort of knew the guy, but he didn't really get much fatherly wisdom from him. Jak just didn't have a role model for this baby thing… even if he was only babysitting them. Basically, he didn't have a clue what the hell he was doing.

Jak was standing in the middle of a sea of Ottsels, holding a dollar bill high in the air, and crying out. "Okay, I've got a dollar for anyone who gets into bed without a fuss! Please…"

Saved by the door. The door opened and in walked Daxter and Tess. "Oh my God!" They both said at the same time. At the sight of their parents, all the Ottsels ran off and soon, the sound of snoring could be heard.

Jak seemed to have gone into shock again. "Jak? What happened?" Daxter asked.

"The Ottsels… they're everywhere… all around me…" Jak said in a shaky voice.

"Jak, just sit down." Daxter said, pushing Jak by the knees so that he fell down onto the couch. "You just need to rest a little."

"Rest? Time to sleep! Seven o'clock! Bed time!" Jak got close to breaking down into tears, something that hadn't happened in… like… ever.

"Whoa." Daxter said. "Jak REALLY wouldn't be suited for fatherhood. Glad it's not him."

(Next Morning)

"So… you feeling any better?" Daxter asked.

"I guess." Jak said. "Man, kids are monsters… no offence."

"None taken." Daxter said.

"Okay, I SWEAR that I am NEVER going to have kids! Even if it means I can never have sex again!" Jak swore.

"Again?" Daxter repeated.

Suddenly, Keira ran in, looking just about as happy as you could get. "Oh, Jak, I've been looking for you EVERYWHERE! I can't believe it! I've got the most wonderful news! Guess what?" She finished.

"What?" Jak asked. As soon as he said that, he got the most horrible sense of foreboding… like something bad was going to happen.

"I'm PREGNANT!" Keira said happily. Thunk. "Jak? Jak? Are you alright?"

LES: I think it goes without saying that Jak fainted. Dedicated to the horrors that are little children. Now, to all those people who adore children and are threatening to kill me because I happen to dislike kids. I'm sure you are saying: 'You were a kid once too, you know!' Well… what I have to say to that is that I'm ecstatic not to be a kid anymore, because I was a monster too!