Part 6

September 21

I do not understand now how I could be afraid of taking care of the twins. I could never be afraid of taking care of kids, I already love those two. How could I give that up? Things with Derek are different, more complicated than ever. He touches me if needed and I do the same vice versa but I am afraid that things might not work out... I read on the internet that it's easy to lose the battle against DCF, especially if you take your situation for granted, if you have money and make them think that it is impossible for them to take the kids away.

In contrary to New York I know now that giving up my life in Los Angeles is worth it because they are giving so much back, when they are giggling, babbling or just their happy smiles.

Taking care of abandoned kid in Los Angeles was different. Those kids were mostly unwanted, taken away, sometimes nearly death. Of course I put all I had in them but I always knew that it was nearly impossible to have a chance, to adopt. Maybe I would have had a chance once or twice but I never tried hard enough, always with the hope deep inside that their mother's would want them back because they already had bonded.

I have bonded. Lillian is a magnificent girl, except for our teething experience now. Actually I could live without that, at least being home alone. Callie left a little after 11pm and I have been in their room now the third time since then. Derek isn't home yet but well, I didn't really count on it.
…. Maybe I did. But maybe he has found a way of working things out with Meredith; maybe he has a way of …. What do I know? I won't ask because I don't want to hear the answer.

Well though … have to leave it now because my little Lillian is already awake again.

~* ~

Waking up was different from today. Not yet able to open his eyes, Derek smelled another detergent, hair conditioner – different but familiar. He snuggled back into the sheets, a body pressed towards him, falling back to sleep.

Later the same morning, finally fully awake, he realized that he was nude, the body wrapped around him too and it was a blondish brown haired woman, not a redhead. He hadn't slept with Addison.

Meredith….
He watched her soft, relaxed, teenage liked features in a perfect slumber of soft snoring. He touched her lips with his fingers, brushed a few strands behind her ear and noticed her waking up. This had been the decision he had made long before. His heart told him to kiss her, to touch her but his head was going into another direction.

She stirred a little bit and turned, so she was facing him.

"Good morning," she said with a sleepy voice, smile dancing on her lips.

"Good morning to you." Derek answered, smiling down at her.

Without many words they started kissing, making out. Of course he asked himself how he ended in this situation but she took all that doubts away, for the next hour.

~*~

He was pretty thankful that the weekend just had started and he wouldn't have to go to work with this kind of headache he had. Again he was sitting in front of his house, where his "family" was waiting for him. He didn't want to argue with Addison about what happened what night but he knew that he would have to face it.

He had responsibilities to take care of. He had children now.

When he entered the house he heard soft music from the study, looking at his watch it was shortly before 11 in the morning.

"Hey you," Derek said, while he noticed that Addison was sitting at the desk, both kids in her lap.

"Good morning Derek," he heard her say, nothing more. "What are you doing?"

"We are looking through some photos. I have found a CD while unpacking stuff." Slowly walking behind her, he saw those photos he didn't even dream to think of in a situation like this. The photos were snapshots of Addison and Savanna during a shopping trip what seemed to be Rome or Paris to him. "Old pictures," he asked.

"Not that old, Derek. It was shortly before I headed to Seattle to run after you," she replied without judging any part of it, with a change of voice.

She didn't ask where he had been and he didn't say anything and it went on like this for the next couple of weeks. At hospital they acted like the perfect couple, peeks on a cheek, nothing more. Rushing into on-call-rooms to laugh behind closed doors, napping and not having sex like most people assumed. At night they parted. Sometimes he stayed home, helped her with the kids, especially during the day on weekends, and sometimes he didn't come home and didn't help on weekends. Whenever he was needed he was there. If she didn't ask, he sometimes asked and if she didn't need him, he was gone.

The trailer had become their hidden love net. Nobody asked questions. Meredith was looking forward to every single night they spent together and he knew that. There were hints on post-its, telling her if he would be on the other side of Seattle or with his wife. They never spent a night together at Meredith's house again, knowing that it would be too risky.

They had found a lovely nanny, Margaret, a wife of about nearly sixty years who has had given birth to eleven kids herself. Now they were living all over the country and she had been missing being around kids. Addison had picked her, put a single bed into the kid's playing room for emergencies – if she would get called in at night and Derek wasn't there.

But there were days, Derek noticed that he had missed different things. He wasn't around when Lillian went straight from pushing herself up against the bookshelf in the library to making her first steps. He wasn't around when both had run a high fever and Addison had rushed them after the second night into the emergency – mostly because he didn't know it. But the point was, he never asked.

~*~

October 30

The visit of the DCF lady went well. I had taken the day off to show her around. She wasn't like the one in New York – younger, friendlier and later she told me, a single mom. She asked questions about the kid's health, their habits and if there were any changed in behavior, not being with their blood parents anymore. I think I won the race, so to say.

Sometimes I really ask myself why I am doing all that on my very own. I dare to say that Derek is a bad father but sometimes they just miss him, when I put them down – Oliver asking "Dada?". I know what he means.
Sometimes it would just be nice to have some company at night, not sit around alone, doing research work, read a book or watch TV but communicate with somebody. I am in no position to invite Callie over three times a week without telling her the truth.

I feel like I am missing something for real and I don't talk about sex, romance and things like that. There are other ways. But sometimes I feel like … I can't describe it at all.

~*~

November 17

Oliver already had a light fever when I put him down and I really hoped that with sleep and some WIK crème things would get better, they didn't. First of all he woke me up at 2am and six times afterwards till 6 am in the morning, not that I really had fallen back to sleep again.

Things at work were rather stressful since the triplets of Ms. M decided to come with 45 minutes between them which pushed my surgery schedule two hours back, I didn't leave till 4:30 am, over three hours later than planned and I could have fallen asleep sitting in the car in front of a red signal light.

Thankfully Derek was home and cooked some dinner. Now both of the kids have a sinusitis and actually I feel too like I am coming down with something. Now after dinner, tea and some aspirin I am already in bed and it's just after 10, the kids are asleep and Derek said that he'd take care of them tonight.

~*~

It was the third time in a row he had to get up at night because the kids were sick and Addison was in bed with a fever and sinusitis too. Arizona came to check on the kids because Derek insisted.

"You are sleeping in the guestroom?" Arizona asked and there Derek noticed that he had forgotten to put things away and close the bed.

"I don't want to get sick too," he said quickly and Arizona nodded. Derek got sick very seldom and he was quite happy about that fact especially now.

"You know, I can take a look at Addison now too."

"Sure, she'll be happy to have some company." Arizona just shot him a look of astonishment and opened the door after knocking to the master bedroom. The whole room smelled like tea, cough syrup and eucalyptus. Derek walked up behind Arizona, ashamed that he hadn't noticed that before, and tucked the blanket a little further over Addie's shoulders, which was sound asleep before he opened the balcony door to let some fresh but cold November breeze fill the room.

"Do you want some tea Arizona and give her a look in half an hour?"

"Sure, let's get downstairs."

They walked in silence. Derek had noticed the slight chaos everywhere; he hadn't had the time to clean up since she was sick in bed. "I am sorry for the way this house looks like, Arizona."

They drank tea and later on he heard steps coming from the first floor. Addison came downstairs in flannel pajamas and a robe, handkerchiefs in her hand.

"I didn't know that we have guests," she said between sneezing.

"She came to look after the kids and you."

"I don't need a doctor Derek, I am one myself."

"Sit down Addison, Derek was about to make another cup of tea."

Addison sat down next to Arizona. The blond doctor pressed her hand against Addison's head. She didn't have high temperature anymore. She checked her pulse and talked a little bit about the twins with her.

Addison went back to bed shortly after and Derek went Arizona to the door. "You should take care of her a little bit even if she refuses to need help. Her temperature is down finally but she hasn't eaten probably in a few days, maybe you could get her some chicken and rice, some fruit afterwards, a light meal. But I know you do your best."

When he went through the freezer there was still some frozen chicken in it and he was able to cook rice. First of all he started to defrost. While this he started to clean up the house, during this he found the photo album of their first wedding on the desk in the study. He looked through the photos, their happy past. Even knowing what happened years later he knew that those years have been the best of his life. Her wedding dress had been awesome, a white lace corsage and a wide long skirt, pearls around her neck, the long hair put up in an exclusive undo with pearls in it.

When the meal was ready he put his and hers into a tray and headed upstairs. She was awake, reading some medical magazine.

"Hey you," he said softly while pushing the door open.

"Oh …thank you Derek," she replied while he put the try onto the bed and sat down next to her. She indeed seemed to have an appetite.

"You know, my mom called today to tell me the flight numbers of the whole crew. She insists to stay with us, Nancy too, to help with the kids."

"Thanksgiving," she said with a sigh, "have you booked any rooms for the rest of the clique?" Derek nodded while biting into a piece of chicken.

"What about cooking?"

"Cooking? Do you remember what happened the last time you cooked for my family?" Both had to laugh.

"Well, the twins are still alive and I learned how to cook from Margaret really well. She told me she would help preparing the meal if I want."

"I guess that's a deal. We should give her the days afterwards off so she can see her kids."

"Yeah, we should. This is delicious Derek."

"It's only chicken and rice Addie."

He stayed with her till she fell asleep, pulled the covers over her shoulders and watched her a little longer before going downstairs to call Meredith. He pressed the 3 on his speed dial and waited for her to pick up.

"Hey you," he said. He told her in the morning he would call, so he had to.

"You can talk?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"You are at your place. So how are the twins?"

Arizona had been checking them today …."

"Sure, okay."

"You don't care, do you? So how was your day?"

She told him about her surgeries and the lunch break with Izzie that Richard had called in sick – stuff he already knew but he was listening to her, being a good boyfriend. But was he really her boyfriend? During the last few days at home I noticed what he missed more and more and that he had put Addison into the situation of a single parent. He hadn't known that she was sick before they sent her home from work. He didn't care about Izzie, Cristina or Alex and he never had but he never had said it clearly, thought that she would notice it sooner or later. It never happened.

The baby monitor let him know that one of them was awake and screaming.

"Meredith, I have to stop now. Lillian is screaming and I don't want them to wake Addison up." He knew that she was jealous of mostly everything since he was home with his sick family. She didn't understand it. Her mom never stayed home with her, so she didn't understand why Addison stayed home first and not just the Nanny but now that she was sick too, she didn't get it why he was there too, to also get sick?

When he finally got upstairs Addison was already in the nursery, Lillian on her arm, rocking her back to sleep. She softly sang a lullaby Derek had never heard before from her and let Derek know to be silent.

Closing the door, he shoved Addison back into her bedroom. "You should be in bed and sleep."

"She woke me up."

"Sorry, I was on the phone. "You need to get back in bad"

"I am not tired Derek."

"So, let's watch a movie. I saw that there is "Woman of the year" on tonight."

"o.k..." She said softly and got under the covers of her bed. Derek collected more orange juice from downstairs, some aspirin and got into bed next to her. Without thinking a lot about his action, he put an arm around Addison's shoulder and let he head rest on his chest while they were watching Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in one of their first movies. During the last parts he had put on the timer, together they fell asleep.

~*~

The preparations for the Thanksgiving ceremony went well. Margaret made Addison a list, what to do first and how things should get arranged – Derek joked about it all the time.

A day before the whole Shepherd family would arrive, Derek asked Addison out for dinner, something they usually never did and Mark volunteered to babysit. Derek had been through quite a few arguments with Meredith lately and he was glad that Addison never asked any questions. He knew too well that she didn't ask because she didn't want to know the answered. It was like an unsaid agreement. But things had changed since the three of them had been sick and Derek had realized that Meredith didn't care about Addison, he could have lived with that, but also not about the kids at all. That was a point he hadn't wanted to see for a long time. He had wanted to save with relationship with her because they had fight once and he thought that he could do it again but somehow, he felt like the thrill was gone. Except for hospital matters they had no topics to talk about nor did they share any hobbies, friends or intersects.

"Where do we go to since you made me wear a new dress?" Addison asked hugging herself tighter in the black woolen coat.

"Let's see …." He drove into the city. He wanted to spoil her knowing that the days ahead wouldn't be easy on any of them, playing house, playing family, playing a happy married couple. And they stopped in front of a restaurant called "Caulis".

In view from inside was amazing, overlooking Seattle. Derek had asked for a rather private table, so they got one in a lovely warm corner, not sitting really opposite each other but next to, to have a great view. After the first and second course – Dungeness Crab Cake and Sun choke Soup - the topics of their discussions deepened while waiting for the lobster, Derek had ordered. Addison was sipping on her Chardonnay and he looked at her as his wife for the first time since they had signed the paper. She was not just a classic beauty; she was far more than that. The strapless black dressed hugged her like a second skin, the dark blue and sparkling necklace made her eyes more blue. It is not like he never had noticed her beauty but now it felt differently.

"You are staring at me." Addison said softly, a little bit nervous.

"Am I not allowed to stare at my wife?" He said with pure honesty in his wife. The statement made her smile. "Why did you do all this for me? For us?

There was a silence before she was able to reply. He noticed that she didn't want to look at him, so when she started to say something, he took her chin, gently, with his fingers and moved her to look straight into his eyes.

"Well … I love them; I don't know why I thought that I couldn't do it in the beginning at all. I love children …. I always wanted to have one but as it looks like this never should happen. Don't get this wrong but I am not doing this for you, I am doing it for myself too. It was something like a miracle, the offer to raise those two remarkable kids and even the thought of giving up … I don't know why it ever crossed my mind." She tried to look away but Derek pushed her chin up again, holding her face with his hand. "It is my only possibility of motherhood," she said, "because when I left Seattle … I gave pregnancy a thought … but it … it would have been nearly impossible, impossible." A tear was running down her cheek. He had hoped for many replies but never counted on such an answer, full of pain and hope. Softly he pulled her towards him, putting small kisses on her neck, mumbling soft words while her tears flow.

"Why did you never tell?" Derek asked softly while making small circles on her back for comfort.

"It is nothing you easily talk about." She replied.

"Let me," he said and with a handkerchief he gently swapped away the remains of her soft crying. Her honesty made him feel closer to her, made him want to work harder on this whole agreement. She smiled at him. Without thinking further he brushed his lips against hers. Before she could reply the waiters brought their main course and they separated again.

They didn't talk about the kiss over lobster or desert or on the way home. He was allowed to hold her hand, fingers entwined, not the usual way before it.

The moment they opened the door, Mark walked into their direction. "You look amazing Addison," he said softly and helped her out of the coat again. "And this dress … wow … perfect." Derek always hated to hear his innuendo play towards him, this time he even felt some jealousy rise in the deep of him, especially after he heard what Mark was only whispering into Addison's ear, something like "I'd give some bucks to know what you are wearing under this dress." Addison laughed over it, Mark too in his soft way and Derek felt more and more uncomfortable. "It's not for you to know," had been her cocky answer, her voice lower than usual.

The tension was unbelievable between them and Mark noticed it, so he told Derek before he left. Addison had gone upstairs to look after the kids and go to bed.

He had shut off all lights downstairs and before he could do the same in his own bedroom, he saw her standing in the doorway in a black silk robe.

"Hey," she said softly, not moving into the room but standing there. "I only wanted to say thank you for this lovely night." Her makeup had been washed off, her hair freshly brushed.

"You are welcome", he replied with a smile. "I really had a good time myself."

No more words were said before both of them fell asleep, in separate rooms, in separate beds.

End part 6