'I am grateful to welcome you back to my household, which has been rare recently'- Aulë welcomed her warmly.
'Forgive me Lord, but as a wife and mother of seven sons I have almost no time to spare'- she explained.
'There is no need to worry, I am not angry on you Nerdanel, but will become if not stay for the dinner'.
She nodded wanted nothing but peace. Nerdanel was sure Fëanor would be angry if noticed their bed remained empty. However, elleth needed peace without worrying for his mood, she dreamed about care and nothing but conversation. All of that waited in the household of Mahtan.
Calathiel asked Nerdanel numerous questions. She remained well connected with other Vanyar even if living in the Gardens of Yavanna. Elleth paid special attention to Indis and listened to all the news about her. As most of Vanyar she strongly disliked Fëanor, but made her attitude milder in the presence of Nerdanel. But forging the Silmarils, yes it was a blasphemy to capture the light to the Trees.
As usual, Nerdanel ended up in the desperate attempt to defend husband from Calathiel and others. As the result she managed to convince herself and few others, that there is not threat in words by Fëanor. Satisfied and rested she came back and greeted husband passionately. No danger is lurking the Blessed Realm- Mahtan used to say.
Being married to Fëanor resembled sailing on the troubled waters. Since the Silmarils was forged the whole cruise went difficult with severe storms. None of them had gentle and submissive personality, which made the whole cruise interesting. Contrary to other sons of the king, their shared bed during nights full of passion and tenderness. Their arguments lead to passionate ends, when they felt asleep in each other arms.
'His words are weird and terrible' – Fëanor said –' there is the darkness within him, exactly as you warned me, but even though not every word is senseless'.
'Please, tell him to back off'- she asked – ' I have no idea what is he up to, but please be careful'.
'I did it but he refuses to listen. He is always back after some time and is looking at my Silmarils when believe I cannot notice'.
'Then tell someone'- she insisted-' your words sounds serious, try to speak to Manwë, as the Lord of Valar he has an authority over his brothers. Such behavior is far from the normal one!'.
'It is far indeed, but I am almost as far from willingness to talk with other Valar. They are all the same and I noticed how they are looking at my Jewels. I will never forget how eyes of their Queen shined, while she was hallowing Silmarils. They are desired what is mine and send him as the spy'.
'Please remain calm as you have no proof. Such accusations may cause a lot of harm'.
The incoming night was far from peaceful. It required a lot of effort to convince Fëanor not to speak so openly about his paranoia. If anyone hears, they will be in trouble. The royal court of Finwë resembled all other courts with different groups of interests, which had existed even before king married Indis. Friends of the second queen would definitely make use of harsh words, as they tend to behave. Nerdanel education was not helpful when it comes to deal with being on the court, even if her position as the daughter to Mahtan made her strong. She worked hard to keep the fragile balance even if Fëanor was far from helping.
Elleth touched husband's shoulder trying to calm him down and showing support. He peacefully felt asleep on her breasts and terrible feeling of being helpless disappeared. Unfortunately for them, dark times were to come and Nerdanel learned more than ever wanted about feeling weak. But in that particular moment she hugged him one more time and smiled.
Unfortunately for them, Melkor was the master of lies with the excellent knowledge how to play on fears and feelings of Fëanor using sweet words. Once he was only sincere enough to claim Silmarills openly, using his position and power. The precision of his attacks was terrifying.
'We are creators of everything and word itself. How dare you, a simple guest in our land, dare to say no?'- he shouted.
'You were not in this land, when Valar crafter Valinor and raised the Trees. Correct me if I am wrong, but you were a prisoner when my father came here as the ambassador of elves!'
'Touché'- answered Melkor in his silky voice, but definitely mad – ' it proves how jealous my fellows are: first about mine and now your achievements. Manwë imprisoned me, his own brother only because of his jealousy, your fate will be much worse. Who knowns, maybe Maglor was lucky not to be chosen a Disciple?'
'Maglor is very talented'- Fëanor interrupted angrily – 'he is able achieve the mastery with or without help by Valar. I am the greatest among elves without their helping hand!'.
'Definitely not'- Melkor nodded – 'Don't get me wrong I am sure Maglor is talented, but my little brother preferred mindless, submissive little creature, who dreamed only about being nice pet. We both need beware of younger brothers, who are stealing love our fathers used to have for us. You know what kind of elf Fingolfin is…'
'Leave me alone'
Xxxxxx
In the meantime, Nerdanel persuaded Fëanor to let Maglor spend more time with Vanyar. Elves of light strongly disliked Fëanor, but seemed to finally accept his son, which opened possibility for friendship and alliance with them. Moreover, Nerdanel wanted him to see young elleth Maglor seemed to like. Who knows how their relation may end one day?
Nimwen almost jumped from joy after Idhrenion mentioned the poetry contest with Maglor. No matter what Calanon used to say, she liked son of Fëanor and consider her former teacher as over critical. Maglor neither said or did anything that justify such approach. She smiled and felt butterflies somewhere deep inside when he dedicated the love poem to the "pale lady with dark hair". She was the only Noldo elleth in the neighborhood.
'Thank you very much for your kindness'- she smiled approaching him after the contest – 'I am not able to express fully the happiness your coming back caused'.
'My mother managed to convince father that friendly relations with Vanyar might be politically beneficial. You know how they disliked him because of the queen. I believe that my talents may help him'.
'Your mother is wise woman, as natural for the daughter of Mahtan. No one can have too many friends'- said Nimwen sad, hearing Maglor paid attention only to the political advantages –'Nothing else I will expect
'I agree and here I am. I missed so many, especially you Nimwen'.
She nodded happily. Nimwen felt wonderful relief, when learned Maglor is not upset she was chosen to be a Disciple. No joy and success would be worth such a price of losing a friend. When their eyes met and elleth noticed the hidden fire in his eyes the whole world, and her doubts, seemed to disappear.
Nimwen has always considered being in love for the very first time as the kind of thunder and rain with no shelter nearby. The reality appeared different: she loved conversations and company of Maglor, the only other Noldo among Vanyar. They shared passion for the poetry and intellectual discussions. In the meantime, they talked about places and elves familiar to them both and even discussions between Noldor were different that with others. Even if Maglor was born in the royal family whereas Nimwen not, he never showed her any disrespect. Such differences made no impression on them and meant nothing, at least back then.
They danced during the annual Festival. Nimwen, as the new Disciple of Manwë, attracted a heavy attention. She spoke a lot of with Calanon and inhabitants of palace about changes to come but only during public event realized the change her new status caused for good or maybe opposite. Nimwen had used to stay behind the scenes and now became a star of the performance. She finally started to understand what her mentor talked about the temptation of falling love with the position. From the distance of time, she realized that no mistake was made not because of wisdom but pure luck and being in love with someone else..
Maglor asked her for a long walk and felt deep into the conversation. Soon, they started to exchange passionate yet untrained kisses. During breaks he explained how Idhrenion convinced him to write together volume full of sonnets. Maglor seemed proud and Nimwen nodded happy to notice how her first love found friends among Vanyar. She smiled trying to ignore what Calanon kept saying.
'Don't fool yourself Nimwen' – Calanon advised – 'He is living here, only because his father allowed him to do. You must realize, he will leave us all if Fëanor speaks a single word. Keep in mind please, he speaks louder and louder against our system and wise and merciful Lords of the West. Are you naïve enough to believe he care for you?'
'Why do you hate prince of Noldor so much?'
'It is not the hate, but fear for his harsh temper and inability to respect others. Those who knows nothing about love are dangerous'
Nimwen refused to believe. Indeed, Fëanor was very proud and less than cordial and polite, but difficult temper is not making anyone a threat. Maglor talked with her and other Vanyar in the nice way, it is not possible for him to be a son of the completely dark figure, at least in Nimwen's opinion. Moreover, Maglor was not Fëanor and should not be judged for his father's actions.
It didn't take long for her to suspect that Calanon got personal issues with prince of Noldor. In most cases he also spoke with great disrespect about Finwë, even if he did nothing to deserve it. He was considered as wise and reasonable by many with only blinded love towards first born being described as his serious weakness. Indeed, he seemed to let Fëanor do anything he wanted, however Finwë was not the only father who behaved like that. Nimwen has always considered Calanon as wise, thus unable to understand his attitude. One day she overheard Varda saying "She is making a picture blurry for you. Fëanor is impolite and very proud, but this is not the crime. It is the crime neither to seek adventures beyond the western seas. If he doubted in us, there is the option for him to live the life Avari has". Nimwen could only guessed what elleth Varda referred to as "she". Feelings affect judgement obviously, but why she was supposed to change her path because of mysterious woman?
Actually, Nimwen almost felt hearing the conversation. When she realized what happened, she prayed Eru for keeping Varda's attention on Calanon. Eavesdropping is extremely rude and Nimwen was not rude. Definitely the last among elleth's desired was to be impolite in the eyes of the Queen who treated her in very gentle manner. Valie seemed a noble and wise member of the family in Nimwen's eyes and Nimwen got a strong urge to impress those close to her. Her imagination was rather poor and obviously too poor to even think about Calanon in the relationship with woman.
'All the words spoken or whispered in the palace need to remain in the palace'- even gentle words by Valie were the order – 'it is difficult to gain the trust and easy to destroy it. Once lost it is hard to regain'
'I ..' – Nimwen was wise enough not to discuss –' I have no intentions to eavesdropping, it was the accident'.
'I am aware of that as you are wise enough not to choose high heeled choses in the attempt of eavesdropping'- Valie asked seriously but her lips were shaking gently – 'Calanon won't be able to keep his secret when acting so openly'.
'Some says, if you want to hide something put in on the visible place'- elleth answered –'he is very skilled in keeping his secret, as I have always considered him as person not interested in elleths'.
'I see a cute expression of the child who noticed parents exchanging kisses on your face'- Valie smiled openly –' don't look at me at such manner, you know what I am talking about. Calanon pay attention to elleths as most men. He decided not to share his secrets with you and I will respect his decision'.
'Why to hide love? There is nothing to be ashamed'.
'You are young and don't understand how difficult situations may be, one day you may understand. Love of Calanon is pure in nature but his choice was far from fortunate.
Nimwen got her guesses but remained silent and decided to observe her former teacher with caution. There was no point to ask Varda any questions about mystery of Calanon. She kept secret of her friend safe and left Nimwen only with guessing. As for young elleth, she was mostly interested with dark haired poet and his soft lips. Being in love, she heard no warnings. She has recently become a Disciple and her dreams came true. Why not to believe in love and the happiness waiting for her? Nimwen was naïve enough not to consider warnings by Calanon, who judged Fëanor harsh. On the other hand, who knows he was one of the first elves to notice the threat caused by pride of Fëanor. There is nothing bad in feeling satisfaction from own works, but pride can be dangerous for others.
Elleth met Nerdanel soon after weird conversation. The daughter of Mahtan was less respected by her father, but was considered by others as talented, hardworking, resolute but cordial. The Disciples of Valar made small group, whose hierarchy resembled those among their mentors. Mahtan, definitely happy to see new Noldor among them, introduced Nimwen to his daughter. Calathiel welcomed Idhrenion warmly, as even in the group of Disciples the division for the elvish groups still existed. They were friendly to each other, but remember about their origins.
'My son likes you'- Nerdanel said looking at dark haired elleth.
'My feelings are the same'- Nimwen answered- 'Maglor is very talented elf and descended from the very talented family'- she smiled.
'Thank you'- Nerdanel answered – 'I am happy to see his friendship with Vanyar and not only. He is skilled in the poetry and one day may achieve the mastery. I don't know if you know, but my father keep saying that all elf may be a master in his own field'.
'I have never doubted in the wisdom of Mahtan'.
Xxxxxx
Nerdanel signed when reminded discussion with husband. After long and definitely intensive discussion she managed to convinced Fëanor not to talk to Melkor anymore and listened to none of his words. Elf was wise enough to distrust Melkor, but unfortunately spoke to him. Nerdanel doubted if brother of Manwë really redeemed after hearing words by husband. They share opinion about Melkor, but not about rest of Valar as Nerdanel had warmer feelings towards them. She arrived in Aman as a child and spend most of her childhood in the household of Aulë, thus considered any rebellion against him as the rebellion against family.
'Melkor is the serious threat and they release him from the prison. Valar want us to perceived them as the wisest but failed to notice the shadow almost in front of their eyes!' – Fëanor shouted.
'No, they don't'- she explained –'They are older and more experienced than we are, but blind faith is not among their wishes. Melkor spend his time in prison and had right to be set free, at least according to their laws'.
'I am aware of the laws and possible dangerous caused by them, but Valar simply refuse to notice threats. He was a shadow within, being as genius as dark hearted'.
'Don't listen to him my love, don't let him to poison your mind'- she asked.
'I share your concerns and showed him doors of my workshop. How is Maglor? I heard he was a winner of the poetic contests with Vanyar, my great, talented son'- he said –' I hope he is meeting other elleth than a little pet of Manwë'.
'What do you have against her? Why did you call her the craftsman daughter as if this was anything bad?'.
'I needed to say something and found such expression and worry consistent with feelings of others in the family'- he explained – 'I will accept, her if she was similar to you and work hard with her father or mother. But please, why to welcome in my household elleth whose definition of happiness is to sit as Ingwë under the throne of Manwë'.
'Please remember, you wanted Maglor to become one of Disciples'.
'It was the mistake, even if considered as the honor. I used to believe they chose the best for Disciples and teach them. I have recently learned that they preferred nice little pets who agreed with them always and feed their vanity'.
'Don't exaggerate, I am sure they have reasons to..'
'Yes they have, as I am the person to inform them about mistakes. Their decision is simply the demonstration'.
There was no use trying to convince Fëanor how wrong he was. Elf was getting more and more rebellious against Valar and questioned their intentions. It didn't take long for Nerdanel to realize that every spoken word was making another prove for him. Fëanor had little or even non trust in the words by Melkor and couldn't understand why his fellows granted him so much freedom. "They are either blinded fools or there is the hidden purpose of it"- he kept saying. His negative emotions grew stronger when Maglor came back rejected.
Nerdanel decided to speak with father-in-law, the only person Fëanor trusted with all his heart. Unfortunately for them all, Finwë has never criticized his firstborn. In his opinion the only way to help him dealing with the loss of his mother, was to let him do anything he wanted. "I am the only person who can take care of him, whereas Indis cares for other children"- it started really nasty comments.
'Did you make friends among Vanyar?'- Indis asked several questions interested in how Maglor lived among her kin – 'Did you win the poetry competition with the Disciple of Varda?'.
'We were equaled'- explained Maglor – 'Calanon the scholar failed to decide which one of us performed better. Idhrenion was really great I must admit'.
'Calanon is my old, great friend'- Indis explained – 'I have no doubt his judgment was impartial'.
'Because Maglor was refused victory he deserved '- Fëanor hissed – 'This Calanon behaved as typical follower of you'- he ended, looking at his step mother in the hostile look.
'You father keeps allowing you to behave in such manner, but I am fed up with your rudeness and accusations' – Indis hissed.
'Leave then' – Fëanor answered coldly – 'No one wants you here usurper. You sneaked into our house and took throne that belonged to my mother. It is said that Vanyar helps talented elves, but this is not true as your servant refused Maglor his victory'.
'Calanon is my friend as you know'- Indis hissed – 'I hear enough of your vicious words'.
The whole conversation turned into the argument. Nerdanel tried to calm everyone down, as she both loved her husband and have a lot of warm feelings for the queen of Noldor. Indis has been always friendly towards her and supported at her early beginnings at the royal court. Fëanor refused to give stepmother any single chance and never let her give him care and happiness he needed.
Nerdanel took a deep breath. She stopped trying to understand why Fëanor is treating Indis in such manner long time. There was no way to persuade him to change his attitude: as the most stubborn among elves he refused to change path once chosen. Nerdanel had will strong enough to convince him from time to time, but not when it came to siblings and stepmother. To make matters worse, he started to claim that Valar destroyed his childhood by giving his father permission to remarry. It was probably the moment Fëanor lost his faith in the Lords of the West.
When Finwë came, he took the side of his firstborn as usual. He was wise king capable to judge Noldor in the wise manner. Most of them called him "the wise king Finwë", but he remained helpless when it came to Fëanor. His love toward firstborn was blind and only few saw all potential problems to came out of it. Indis reacted angrily and argument started. They were shouting so loud that no eavesdropping was needed. "How Finwë is supposed to rule us if he failed to be a father of own family"- few Noldor started to ask. They made a small group then, but Vanyar were larger and more prominent. The vicious smirk on the lips of Fëanor scared Nerdanel.
Ladies in waiting to Indis went angry. Calathiel did much more, once heard the news about the whole argument. Poor Maglor was forced to hear Vanyar talking about his father in the very hostile way as they paid no attention to him. The only chance for him not to listen how bad, rude and awful Fëanor is was to stay close to Nimwen. Unfortunately, elleth tented to visit them from time to time as obviously got other daily duties. Maglor soon realized she was the only person capable to understand his feelings even if failed to believe how hostile Vanyar could become when she was away.
Xxxxxx
Maglor had a tough situation back then. He dwelled in the households on the stopes of Taninquentil. In most cases he truly enjoyed the company of Vanyar and took advantage of their knowledge in poetry and spirituality. Unfortunately for him, majority of them disliked Fëanor and it took years for Maglor to gain their friendship. Now, they started to speak against once more using Silmarils as the explanation. They really believed that Varda was the only person allowed to touch the light of the Two Trees, whereas others were to only look at. Fëanor took the light, which made the duty of the Queen of Valar and went angry. Maglor realized that his father started the whole conflict by his attitude towards Indis but Vanyar continued. They criticized everything Fëanor did or said.
'You must be irritated by the whole situation as Noldor'- he told Nimwen.
'I grew up among Vanyar and consider they as my kin'- she explained – 'It is true that I was born in Tirion, however made the great disappointment to my family. Now it better as I became a Disciple to Manwë' – she said wryly –'Please, you must understand that light is sacred for Vanyar'.
'But please, we are talking about my father!'
'I know he is and I really respect your loyalty as the son'- she nodded- 'I have never met prince Fëanor and preferred not to take sides. Vanyar are my close and very good friends'.
'But you are Noldo!' – he said.
'I was born in Tirion bur truly never fitted there '- she said –' I am indeed Noldo born in the family of craftsman. When I was a child my parents and siblings made several jokes about my clumsiness. Vanyar accepted me and appreciated my achievements for the first time. Indis is one of them and I believe both Calanon and other Vanyar couldn't accept how he treats her' – she explained.
'Even if, they have no right to refuse what he gave to other elves. My father may not be easy going, but he is the genius and created so much'.
Nimwen remained silent and only bite her lip. She understood Maglor nervous reaction towards hostility Vanyar showed when it came to Fëanor. Elleth guesses that Fëanor was probably a dominant father figure deeply loved by his son. Blood is the blood and made a strong bond, even if her relations with parents were cooler that relations by her siblings. She did her best to listen and comfort Maglor. Somewhere deep inside she felt lost.
In her opinion, the light of the Trees should belong to all inhabitants of Aman. Nimwen reacted to Fëanor actions different and more reserved than Vanyar. No one had ever tried to touch their light before, but nothing happened after all. The fascination by light Vanyar showed went definitely too far from time to time. Nimwen disagreed when they called Silmarils a blasphemy. She talked several times with Maglor in her desperate attempts to convince him that they reacted in the fierce manner not to Fëanor, but to the fact that he did what Varda was only supposed to do. Any such attempt would be a blasphemy to them.
Criticism by Calanon and Ingwë were loudest and most fierce. Many believed that Ingwë did what he did because he wanted to take revenge for the years of malicious comments. The intentions of Calanon were beyond doubts for other elves. Calathiel and ladies in waiting to Indis listened carefully to words by Calanon and took they chance to hit. They have little respect for the feelings of Maglor.
Nimwen met Ingwë several times, even if their meetings were far from being nice and friendly but rather very unyielding. The High King of Elves paid huge attention to the etiquette, cloths and all subtle gestures Nimwen got little knowledge about. She read few books about etiquette and rules of living in the court were not needed in the Ilmarin palace. Elleth didn't have to remember who to approach first and second, how to talk. Ingwë and his son on the other hand were obsessed about etiquette, which was unusual for Vanyar. Nimwen believed they had too much free time to spare and definitely failed to find any useful hobby. As the result, they started to develop all weird rules about behavior. Their robes were richly embroidered almost as much as those by princes of Noldor and there must be a fashion contest between them. Nimwen obviously liked beautiful robes, but preferred sheer, comfortable silky robes.
Ingwë seemed upset, when looking at her naked robes covered by the wrapper. He murmured few words sounded like "reckless, young ones" as if Nimwen wore nightgown. She chose robes resembled those by Queen, Ilmarë and other women from the palace and failed to understand why he was so upset. She asked no question perfectly aware no answer would be provided for her.
Nimwen looked at him for a moment. Ingwë seemed more reserved and sad when compared to other Vanyar. It might be the result of living alone. He was married, got son and group of the followers but tended to spend most of their time in own company. Nimwen heard about his hostile attitude towards Fëanor and understood him: Indis was his niece.
'Please keep in mind, that the royal grace is unstable and it is easy to lose it'- he warned- 'full of faith and young you are as I used to be'.
'I had no intention to make you upset king, was my actions bad?'- she asked.
'I don't like young elleths wearing robes without sleeves. Naughtiness of this type fits no one in fact. But let's leave that topic, I heard that the son of Fëanor is dwelling in households of my kin'- he said.
'Yes, Maglor is the great poet and found his place among Vanyar who are so skilled in the spirituality' – Nimwen explained – 'His knowledge increased as well as the knowledge by those who met him'.
'Maybe yes and maybe not'- Ingwë looked at her closely – 'Don't make any assumptions about this family. My niece believed in the love Finwë had for her. She was so sure about happiness awaiting them. Do you know how the story ended? Indis is living in the shadow of Miriel. Take my words and forget this poet unless you want to cry'.
Nimwen opened her mouths too astonished to answer. She exchanged passionate kisses and soft words with Maglor. They had a great time under the sky painted with stars and she told no one about her first love. She felt no shame, but preferred to wait and see how their relation is going to evolve. Moreover, who she was supposed to talk with? There was no sister or any other women around to talk to. Sister dwelt in Tirion too far away as for regular visits and gossips exchanged. Nimwen on the other hand couldn't leave the palace just by that, which seemed reasonable and normal.
In the meantime, she made her dreams about teaching and meeting scholars came true. Rumil, close friend of Mahtan as Nimwen learned, went excited to see other Noldo to became a Disciple. She was excited to be esteemed by those she respected heavily. Nimwen waited very long to be appreciated by others … maybe too long for her own good.
History became her favorite field long time ago and naturally she decided to teach this subject in particular. She had no other reason to made such a choice. Nimwen wanted to share knowledge with children and paid no attention to politics. Maglor used to see her from time to time which make her happy. She smiled and delicate, red flush creped into her face. The overall effect was pretty visible on the pale face. It was then, Nimwen realized the amount of her naiveté to hide emotions.
Author's note: I've almost considered Finwe as the father who let his first-born son to do almost anything. This is my interpretation of the book. Moreover, we know he left his family, his throne and nation to follow Feanor at Formenos, which give subtle suggestion. In the real word, similar situations obviously occurred.