(Charon)

My bones, finally feel the weight of my body pressing down on them. My legs, are weary with age and miles. My feet, can no longer sustain the heaviness that they carry atop them. My arms are not as swift, my thoughts not as quick, my reactions are slowing, and I feel the sense of old age, swiftly setting in. It has been, a long life for me. A long, tumultuous, strained life. One, that soon I will be able to depart from finally in peace. At ease, with all that I have done, and silent to my past. What's done now, is final, and there are no more secrets I have left to hide. No more questions, that are unanswered. I suppose, this is what it feels like, to no longer carry any burdens. I suppose, this is freedom.

I want to lie down here, on the ground I'm walking. Lie down, and close my eyes and allow the changes of time to finally take me away. Take, what no other man or woman could take from me. But time, it is not necessarily taking it. Rather, I am giving it. Giving it away, for any who wish to have it. There's no more reason for me now, to walk these beaten paths. To continue on, with the need for life as I once had. I've faced my demons, my past, and no longer have anything left to fight. It's a strange feeling, to be born for purpose, and yet have none. I'm not sure, that I'm enjoying it.

For five years now, I have traveled and visited the places I once occupied. From Vault 101 to the ruins of Underworld, to the Citadel ruins and other such areas of the Capital Wasteland, that are now long-forgotten. Slowly, minutely, I have pieced together the broken remnants of a life I once knew. Even slower, I have repented, for all I've done. With each old question answered, a new one would arrive. With each new question, came a new quest. One, that I could not bring anyone with. One that I had to do alone, and alone I have been for five years. I cannot remember a time, when I was ever alone for this long. When I was ever alone, at all. I found peace, in solitary. I found ease, in silence.

Although the passing of time and the strenuous activity has put my body through wear and tear, I refused to give up. Refused, to lie down and accept death as my ultimate savior. No, no death could wait. I was too far busy, to let death ruin my plans. There was no way, I could have rested easily, when so many things were left to be done. Each night, I fought the weariness and pain of my old bones cracking. Each morning, I forced myself through near-arthritic pain, to rise and wake. I'm not sure, where these pains came from, where the bitter sense of age rose up from. My only assumption is, that with the weight of it all piled atop a body that's been abused for so long, it was only a matter of time before the effects took place. A matter of time, before the pain of my training, and the scars of warfare took its toll on me. Bones that were broken centuries ago, now ache with each movement. Muscles that are scarred with memories, are sore and stiff to the touch. I cannot relax them, cannot stretch them out. I accept now, it's my near time to leave. I carry very little guilt, these days.

I want to lie and rest in Megaton. It's been so long, since I've had company. Since my voice has been used, that I'm not sure if I can even still speak. I've talked to no one, not even myself, for five years. Traders who take letters to Gob, simply know by the name on the envelope. Know, by the scrawled word of 'Megaton' where to bring it to. There's no need, for me to speak. I don't want to speak. I simply want to remember how it felt, to be surrounded by people who you know. People, who care for you, as if you were their own.

There are a lot of things; I've come to learn on these five years alone. A lot of things I hadn't realized, or hadn't appreciated. Things, that I never would have known before, or learned without coming. Before, I took Gob's company for granted. Saw him, as nothing more than an annoyance within my own life, and someone who need not put his nose in my business. Now, I see him in an entirely different light. I see him, as an equal, a friend, and companion. I can only hope, that when he sees me, he accepts me the same way.

I wouldn't be mad, if he hates me. Wouldn't be shocked, if he turned and shunned me away from his home. I deserve it. After what I did, what I could have done to Dez, I deserve kindness and empathy from no one. Even now, after so long, I still cannot think about that day without feeling a crippling sense of hurt and dread within my stomach. I shudder, as I light as cigarette whilst I walk. My old shotgun rests easy on my back, as the wind pushes me towards Megaton. The thought of returning to the place I once called home, eases my tired mind just a bit. But, the memories of that day five years ago, rouses me into an uncomfortable state.

I've only just recently been able, to deal with my past. Only after I went back, to each and every spot, to each place I made a kill of a child or woman or innocent man, was I able to face my memories without issue. Without, blackouts of rage, and spans of time gone missing. Had I known, that my past would come back with a vengeance as my emotional range widened, I would have dealt with it sooner. Before, any harm, could come to those I held close and dear to me. Before, I nearly killed the only person, I can now ever say, I truly loved.

It's still blurry to me, even now, that day. All I remember, is the searing pain of my own knife pushing into my chest, and the sight of Dez as I held her in my hands. Not arms, but hands. Her neck, fit perfectly between my palms, as I squeezed. I don't know, how long I held her there, with her feet dangling inches from the ground. Or how long, I had been holding her neck in such a tight grip. All I know, is that without the blade of my knife piercing me, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. I would have woken from my blacked-out rage, to Dez laying dead as every other person I've slew in the past.

I couldn't utter a word to her. I couldn't call her name, as she stared down at me. Couldn't say anything, to the tears that splashed down from her face. I refused to. I closed my eyes, as I felt my own blood leaving, and I held my breath until I heard the door slam, and knew that it was safe. She had been with me for three years then. Three years, of happiness as happiness is. Endured, blackouts of rage, of sorrow, of times I can't account for. Loyally, standing by to help bring me back into the world she so strived to introduce me to. I loved her more than I ever have before, in those three years. Unyielding loyalty, trust, and love. Each night, as we laid to rest in the comfort of one another's arms, she'd always remind me that she trusted me to never hurt her. Even blacked out, she would say, I would never lay a hand on her. I wish, that her trust in me wasn't so deep. Wish, that she was scared of me. Maybe then, perhaps, I could have saved us both.

I don't know now, where she is. Gob says in his letters, that he has no idea either. I think, it's for the best. I know in my heart, she wanders somewhere, living in this world that she helped create. It's better, that we never see one another again. After facing all the torments and secrets of my life, after going back and retracing nearly two-hundred years of pain and hurt that I bestowed upon others, I still cannot stomach seeing her face. Cannot fathom, ever encountering her again. How could I?

After all the years she spent, devoted to me. After all the time she's invested in me, how could I face her after nearly killing her? There's no way I can. No way, that I can ask her to return to my side, after five years of absence and an attempt on her life. It's better, that she live now without me. In fact, as much as the thought of her with another person angers me, I hope she is. I hope she finds someone who deserves her. Although, since leaving, I've thought a lot about Dez and all of her qualities. Good and bad alike. There's no man, really, quite deserving of a woman like her. But in all the same, I hope she's happy. Hope wherever she is, she's smiling, content, proud and witty as always. I wouldn't want her wasting anymore time on me, then she already has.

I'd even enjoy it, almost, if she hated me. I deserve nothing less and nothing more. I always toyed with the thought, that our paths might cross again. On those cold nights, where the rain would refuse fire, I'd often think about what would happen had she come walking over the horizon. A part of me, wanted to run up and embrace that image. Apologize time and time again for my actions and beg for her to forgive me. But, then at the same time, another part of me wants her to hate me. Wants her to walk right past without a second look, and ignore any words I may have to say. It's that outcome, usually, that I always feel I deserve.

In my efforts of redemption, I even went so far as to write a letter to Lily. Nothing filled with romance or forlorn feelings, but simply stating what I stated to Gob. That my life is drawing near, and I hope she can forgive whatever wrongs I've done to her. Not that she is the most important figure in my life, but she is a figure. A person I hurt, not intently but hurt nonetheless. I'm trying, to end my life with as little guilt, as little mystery, as I possibly can. All I carry with me, all I want to carry, is my gun. My combat knife, is long-gone. But I don't worry about it, or fret. I know where it is. Dez took it with her when she left. Something tells me, she still has it.

When I get to Megaton in a few days time, I hope to have a hot cup of whiskey and a soft place to rest my head. I know warm whiskey is hardly appetizing, but when I found a simmering bottle beneath the desert son, I enjoyed the taste it had on my lips. Perhaps that was due to the dehydration I was feeling but, I'll soon find out. I don't want lavish things around me when I choose to lie this body down. Just a good drink, and good friends. It's not much to ask, after all this time I've spent here on Earth. Even if I didn't have that, though, I'd still be leaving this world with more than when I came into it.

I often ask myself, if my purpose was fulfilled. Not that I've found my definite purpose, but rather the one that was given to me. The one I received when I was initiated and accepted into the high-security training grounds of my facility. To be, the most efficient and quiet killer, that I could be. By no means am I quiet, but I have done my duty. Not under an employer, but I have fulfilled what they set out to do. What they wanted me to do. I've killed efficiently, taking down the most heavily organized military bases within the Capital Wasteland. That was, my set duty, I believe. Of course, it was all done with the aid of Dezbe. I can only hope now, to rest in peace with all of this. And hope, that one day before then, the plague of Dez's memory won't haunt me anymore.