Chapter Six
He felt almost human.
The memories had started back up again once Daniel was sleeping, but thankfully they'd slowed down, and he'd only had twelve or so in the past six hours. He'd hadn't snapped at anyone in more than an hour, and he'd almost managed to make it through breakfast with Sam and Teal'c without falling back into the black pit that was his mind. Thankfully, the three times he had, they'd been able to coax him back out. They hadn't even seemed all that upset by it. He didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, that they not only seemed to expect him to zone out on them for no reason but that they'd apparently come up with some plan for dealing with him when he did.
So, after a bowl of oatmeal, two eggs, a piece of toast, half a pot of coffee, and a shower, he felt almost human again. And if he spent half an hour in the shower, standing under the steaming water, letting it run down his skin in scalding streams and scrubbing until his stomach was red and raw, well, no one but him knew he'd done it, right? So it didn't really count.
All that was left was his daily workout.
He usually worked out with Teal'c in the gym. Those Jaffa had a lot of great secrets that Teal'c had been more than open about sharing with them, in the hopes that they'd be more readily able to defend themselves against their enemy. There was something about working out with Teal'c, dodging and weaving and pounding on the punching bag with the practice staffs that Teal'c had made, that set his mind at ease. Working up a sweat by pretending to beat the crap out of a ghost was cathartic. But as much as he needed that, he knew that he couldn't be that far away from Daniel for that long.
So he'd settled for getting Fraiser's permission to run on one of the treadmills in the physical therapy room.
On the opposite side of the closed door at his back, Daniel was lying in an infirmary bed, having the first of what promised to be several sessions with Dr. Mackenzie. He was dreading his own session, which was coming up later in the day, but Daniel had to come first. In return for his promise to keep his mouth shut, Fraiser had let him stay in her office when she and Mackenzie had their initial consultation.
"He's repressing it," Fraiser had said. "He does have a concussion, but only a Grade One, so there's no cause for suspecting traumatic amnesia."
Of course he had a concussion. Did she have any idea how many times he'd been backhanded hard enough to fly across the room? How many times his head had been bounced off the wall, the floor, the headboard of the bed … ?
"So, the memories are there?" Mackenzie had questioned. "He just can't access them?"
Well, obviously the memories were there. Wasn't that kind of implied by the whole 'repressed memories' thing? Wouldn't it be a little hard to repress memories that didn't exist?
"He can, but not willingly. When they're forced on him, he reacts badly."
"Reacts badly," Jack mumbled to himself. He shook his head at the understatement and pushed the button on the control panel in front of him, increasing both his speed and incline. Panic attacks, catatonia, passing out without warning, trying to kill himself? "I'd hate to see your definition of 'falls completely apart,' Doc."
"How are they coming back? Is he being triggered?"
"I believe so, yes."
"Do we know what the trigger is?"
"No."
That was a lie, but to be fair to Fraiser, she didn't know she was lying. And to be fair to Jack, he hadn't known he was letting her lie when she said it. It wasn't until after he'd been running for fifteen minutes that he realized he knew what that trigger was. It wasn't that hard to figure out when he thought about it. The first time he'd flashed back had been after Sam told them who'd just left through the Stargate. The second time was after Jack had asked him what he remembered about her.
That snakebitch's name was all it took to send Daniel spiraling down, completely out of control.
"I'll handle him as carefully as I can, but if I should hit on it accidentally?"
"Colonel O'Neill and I will stay close."
Of course he would. Did Mackenzie really think he was going to leave Daniel alone with him for long? Did Fraiser really think he was going to leave Daniel alone with anyone?
"So he has no conscious memory of the rape itself? Or of the woman who raped him?"
"No, none."
"Is he aware of how he received his injuries?"
"He knows that something bad happened to him; he doesn't know what it was."
Jack stabbed at the speed button again. He hated himself for thinking it, but there were times that he caught himself envying Daniel's inability to remember what had happened. What he'd been through, what he'd seen, what he'd done, what he'd said …
Hathor pushing Daniel's arms above his head, holding them there, squeezing his wrists so hard that the bones ground against each other … Hathor leaning down, digging her teeth into his collarbone, lapping at the blood with her tongue …
He punched the control panel, barely noticed how fast he was already going, and closed his eyes.
Daniel, not moving … not moving … tears streaming down his face, eyes closed, head back, mouth open but no sound coming out … not moving, not screaming, not fighting …
He slammed his hand against the button with all of his strength.
"And the suicide attempt? Any memory of it at all?"
"No. He is aware of what he did, but he doesn't remember doing it."
The belt couldn't go any faster; the incline couldn't go any higher. But he kept running, pushing himself harder, ignoring the raised voices coming through the closed door behind him.
Daniel pushing the knife through his skin, dragging it up his arm, leaving it all behind … the blood running down, dripping to the floor, taking him away … "You promised."
He hadn't known what it meant.
"You promised."
He hadn't known then, hadn't remembered everything he'd said. The voices behind him were growing louder, more insistent, but he barely heard them.
"I can't do it again. I'd rather die. Help me."
Faster. He had to go faster.
"Please, Jack …" "I can't. Don't ask me again, Daniel. I won't do it."
It wasn't fast enough. It would never be fast enough.
"Promise me, Jack." "No!" "Jack …"
It was right behind him. He could feel it breathing down his neck, whispering in his ear. Hell lived in his memory, and it would never let him go. It was going to catch him. It wouldn't let him run; it wouldn't let him hide. What had he said? What had he done?
"I can't live like this. Don't make me live like this. Please."
"She won't touch you again. I'll do it. I'll save you. I promise."
"God damn it!" He smacked the treadmill so hard that it rattled and shook beneath him. When the belt jerked to a stop, he sank to his knees and buried his head in his arms. "What did I do?" He was doubled over in pain both physical and mental, panting for breath, and the liquid running down his face, into and out of his eyes, wasn't just sweat.
"Damn it, Daniel, what did you make me do?"
"Help me, Jack."
"I won't do it!"
"Help me!"
"Daniel …"
"Jack! Help me! Jack!"
That was no memory.
His pain was forgotten in a heartbeat, and he jumped to his feet, ran toward the door, and threw it open. He'd never moved so fast in his life, but it wasn't been fast enough. It would never be fast enough. He'd been wrong about hell living in his memory; it was standing right in front of him.
Daniel, dressed only in the pair of scrub bottoms that Janet had allowed him to wear for the interview, was standing in the middle of the infirmary, eyes filled with fear, shaking, gasping for breath.
Daniel, his unbuttoned uniform pants low on his hips, his glasses lost somewhere in the tangled mess of sheets, lying in the middle of the bed, staring at the ceiling, not moving, barely breathing …
He processed it as quickly as he could, but it wasn't fast enough. Daniel - his bare chest and back covered in bruises, scratches and bite marks, the bruise above his hip black against the paleness of his skin, his shoulders heaving with every panicked breath that he drew. The harsh fluorescent lights glinted off the blade of a scalpel he held tightly in his hand, and blood from his ripped out IV streaked down the inside of his arm.
The blood running down, dripping to the floor, taking him away …
"Dr. Jackson," he heard Mackenzie say gently. "Daniel. You're safe here. No one's going to hurt you."
"Don't touch me!" Daniel cried out. "Stay away from me! Jack!"
The past flew out of his mind as quickly as the present slammed into it, and he stepped forward.
"I'm right here, Daniel," he said carefully. "Right behind you. Turn around and look at me."
Daniel turned his head slowly, his eyes wide, terrified.
Jack took a deep breath and another step forward. "Right here, buddy. You see me?"
Daniel nodded his head uncertainly, but otherwise didn't move.
"Why don't you talk to me, Daniel? Put the knife down and talk to me."
"Have to stop her," Daniel whispered. "Can't let her."
"She's not here," he said. "She can't hurt you again."
Daniel shook his head slowly. "No, she's here. I can hear her. I can … smell her. Feel her." His eyes closed and he shuddered, hunching his shoulders forward as he pressed the heel of his empty hand against his temple. "I can hear her."
"Dr. Jackson, I want you back in that bed."
Jack hadn't even realized that Janet was walking up behind Daniel until that moment. Until she opened her mouth and said something she'd said a hundred times before. Until Daniel heard a woman authoritatively ordering him back into bed, and his head snapped up. Until Daniel spun around, eyes wild, frantic, desperate, and struck out at her, swinging blindly with both his fist and the scalpel. He couldn't have had any idea what – who – he was aiming at, or he'd never have done it.
"No!"
Jack's cry blended with Daniel's – one a denial, one a plea.
Janet wasn't close enough to Daniel for him to be able to hit her, but she jumped back out of reflex. She lost her balance, tripped and fell to the floor with a cry. Dr. Mackenzie dashed toward her and knelt at her side to make certain that she wasn't hurt. Jack bolted forward and jumped in front of Daniel, putting himself squarely between him and Janet. He raised his hands in front of him, palms turned out, placating.
"Hey," he said. "Look at me, Daniel."
Daniel's eyes darted frantically around the room, on the lookout for the next threat, either real or imagined. "Where'd she go?" he asked breathlessly. "She's coming back."
"No, she's not. Now look at me."
He could hear Janet and Mackenzie talking behind him, whispering to each other frantically as Mackenzie helped her to her feet, and he didn't like what he was hearing at all. Words like 'danger to himself,' 'violently unstable,' and 'requires constant supervision' were not what he needed to hear at that moment, even mixed as they were with Janet's 'wasn't thinking,' 'I know better,' and 'not his fault.'
"We have to go," Daniel said urgently. "This is our chance, but we have to hurry."
Jack took a careful, measured step forward, shaking his head in denial and reaching for Daniel at the same time. He didn't know if Janet and Mackenzie were still behind him, didn't know if they were hearing what he said, and didn't particularly care. If he was about to cost them both a hundred sessions with Mackenzie, then so be it. He had to talk Daniel out of doing what he was about to do.
"We don't have to do that now, Daniel. It's over."
Daniel was moving toward him, one slow, hesitant step at a time, his face a combination of certainty, trust and almost innocent hope. It cut Jack to the core to see it. "It's the only way out." Daniel cocked his head to the side, and his eyes widened. "You remember, don't you, Jack? You promised."
He nodded his head reluctantly. "I remember," he admitted. "But she's gone. We got out, and you're safe. That promise I made, Daniel …" He swallowed hard and took another step. He was close enough to Daniel to touch his arm, almost close enough to grab the scalpel. For a heartbeat, the scene in the storeroom flashed through his mind, but he pushed it away. "We don't need it anymore."
Daniel took a nervous step back, and Jack saw the tears welling in his eyes. "She took you," Daniel whispered. "She took you away. And you didn't come back."
"I know."
"She got you, didn't she? She made you into one of them."
Jack shook his head vehemently. "No, she didn't. She tried, but Carter and Teal'c, Doc Fraiser, they found me. They saved me, Daniel. I'm okay."
Daniel's eyes narrowed, and the trust that he'd shown before disappeared. He was backing away, closing himself off, hiding. "We're going to save each other," he said. "We promised."
"We don't have to," Jack repeated. The look on Daniel's face said that he wasn't hearing a word Jack was saying, but he couldn't give up. There was too much at stake. "Look at me, listen to me. We're already out. That wasn't Hathor you just took a swing at; it was Janet Fraiser. You're not in that room anymore; you're in the infirmary. You're beat all to hell, you're hurt, you're bleeding all over the place, and you're not thinking straight."
"I have to save you," Daniel insisted. "Have to save everyone."
"Not anymore!" He didn't want to lose his temper, and he fought it with everything he had, but his frustration was quickly becoming too much to bear. "If you ever trusted me, Daniel, trust me now. We don't have to do this."
"I can stop her." He could see it coming, even before Daniel flipped the scalpel over in his hand and raised it in front of him.
"Don't you do this, Daniel."
"Have to save Jack." Daniel lifted his other arm, the one already covered in blood from the ripped out IV.
"Killing yourself won't save me!"
He expected Daniel to swipe the blade across his own wrist or up the inside of his own arm. He expected him to do something to hurt himself, and that's what he was prepared for. He'd already figured out where he needed to move, and how fast, to knock the blade out of Daniel's hand. He'd already laid his plan of attack out in his mind.
It never occurred to him that Daniel might swing that scalpel at him. Or that his eyes would flash when he did it.
The shock of seeing Daniel's eyes glow, even briefly, slowed his reactions. He dodged at the last second, far enough and fast enough to keep Daniel from sinking the blade in his chest, but catching a nasty gash on his upper arm. Shock and adrenaline kept him from feeling the pain, and his eyes stayed focused on the suddenly blood-covered blade descending toward the inside of Daniel's left arm at an alarming speed.
"No you don't!" Jack shouted as he jumped forward. A well-placed blow to the inside of Daniel's wrist loosened his grip on the scalpel and sent it flying.
Daniel turned to make a grab for it, and Jack took advantage of his distraction. In one quick motion, he stepped around Daniel and wrapped both of his arms around him from behind, trapping his arms at his sides and his hands in front of his chest. He closed his fingers around Daniel's wrists, holding them tightly enough to restrain him without hurting him.
All of Daniel's fear, confusion, pain and desperation exploded from him in an ear-splitting, inhuman scream that froze Jack's blood in his veins.
He closed his eyes against the sound for the briefest of heartbeats, then refocused on the task at hand and leaned forward until his mouth was only inches from Daniel's ear. "Easy, Daniel," he whispered. "I'm right here. I've got you." He was rubbing small circles on the backs of Daniel's hands with his thumbs; he could only hope it was helping Daniel even half as much as it was helping him. "I'm not leaving you."
"Jack!"
"It's okay, Daniel." There was a checklist in his mind, running over and over again, like a mantra. He didn't know where it was coming from, but it seemed to be working - for both of them. Daniel was far from calm, but he was starting to show signs of winding down.
Say his name. Reassure him. Keep him grounded. Say his name. Reassure him …
"You're safe, Daniel. We both are."
"She took him! I can't find him. I can't … Jack!"
"I'm here," Jack insisted. "I'm right here."
"She … couldn't stop her. Couldn't …" Daniel's voice was shattered, broken by increasingly desperate gasps. "Fight. Scream. Move. Can't breathe. I can't breathe!"
Jack tightened his hold as Daniel started to crumple.
"Stop her!"
With that, Daniel's knees finally buckled and he collapsed completely in Jack's arms. Jack went down with him, slowly, controlling their descent until they were both on their knees on the floor. Daniel turned and buried his face in Jack's shirt, clutching at it frantically, like a drowning man struggling to grip a lifeline.
"I couldn't stop her!" Daniel cried out. "I couldn't … I … I didn't even try!"
Jack ran his fingers through the long hair soothingly and pulled Daniel closer to him, until he felt the top of Daniel's head come to rest against the crook of his shoulder. "You did, Daniel. You fought like hell. She almost killed you."
"I have to go … go after her …"
Jack narrowed his eyes as hatred for Hathor burned through his veins. Had she gotten into his mind that deeply, destroyed him so completely, that he'd try to follow her? "You're not going anywhere. Not after all this."
"She's coming back. Coming back …"
"No, she's not. We won't let her." He tightened his arms around Daniel once more. "I won't let her."
"I'm sorry." Daniel sobbed against his chest, shoulders heaving under Jack's hands, the hands that were so tightly fisted in his shirt trembling, breath catching and hitching in his throat. "I'm sorry."
"Not your fault, Danny," Jack assured him as he laid his cheek against the top of Daniel's head. "You didn't do anything wrong."
Jack heard a sound from across the infirmary and looked up. Janet and Mackenzie were both gone, but Sam and Teal'c had come into the infirmary at some point and were standing near the door. He didn't know where they'd come from or how long they'd been there, and he didn't care. Sam's face was streaked with tears despite the anger in her eyes, and Teal'c looked like he wanted to kill something which, all things considered, he probably did. It was a feeling that Jack knew very well.
"Have to go …"
"You're ours." Even though he'd whispered the words , he knew that Sam and Teal'c heard him, because they both nodded in agreement. "She can't have you."
"He pleases us greatly, our beloved. He is ours, for now and always."
Jack closed his eyes and buried his face in Daniel's hair.