I'M BACK. As promised. This is a very long chapter, longest one I've ever written at least. Over 12,000 words. This is an intake on what happened to Blaine. There are major triggers in here so be cautious, please.
Well, I've kept you waiting long enough. Here you go!
It turns out; Kurt was going to be seeing Blaine a lot sooner than he had originally planned. He wanted to stay away from Blaine for as long as he could, but this, he just couldn't control.
It was New Years Eve and Kurt was walking around the mall, just passing by all the shops he had once loved. Christmas had gone actually, pretty well. No matter how lost Kurt was, how sad he was, he couldn't escape the half-smile that crept onto his face when he saw his new family sitting by the pine tree on Christmas morning. It was the first Christmas Kurt has had in years with some sort of mother figure in his life, and he was grateful for that. He did love his family; he loved them more than he loved himself or his happiness. That is why is never going to share his secrets, his unhappiness. His dad had finally found someone to love and a son that he always wanted. Of course, Kurt knew that his dad didn't love Finn any more than Kurt, or any less. Kurt was actually glad that Finn was there to distract some of the attention away from him so his dad wouldn't notice. Yes, Kurt was happy for his family, and that is why he refuses to tell them anything.
He was actually quite pleased with what he got for Christmas, he hadn't expected his dad to buy him the latest iPhone, but he was thankful nonetheless. He had also received three-hundred dollars in spending money.
"I am not as good with clothes as you are, I knew I could never pick out anything you like, so you can go to the mall with Mercedes and shop with her." His dad told him.
When Finn opened his presents, Kurt couldn't stop himself from half-smiling either. Finn was almost like a five-year-old while he was unwrapping his presents. He was jumping up and down and quickly tearing away the wrapping paper, it was quite adorable, Kurt thought. Finn's favorite gift he opened was a brand new football signed by his favorite Buckeye's player. Kurt swore he had never seen him look so happy.
His dad got Carole a necklace from a jewelry store that Kurt had helped pick out. He almost melted when he saw Carole's face when she saw it. Her hand flew to her mouth as she stared at the diamond necklace in the black case. She put her hand over her heart and kissed his dad quickly on the cheek, causing him to blush. Carole absolutely loved it, and his dad sent him a grateful glance his way.
Kurt actually had a decent Christmas, despite other circumstances. The day after Christmas, he just fell back into his usual routine. Sometimes, the sadness was just there and he just couldn't understand why. He wasn't at school and was away from the bullies, so why is it still with him? Was it going to be like this all the time, will he never escape it? His arms itched again, but he quickly ignored it. Now was not the time or place.
He had told his dad this morning that he was going out shopping with Mercedes, but the truth was that Mercedes was with her new boyfriend and Kurt had nowhere else to go, so he just drove to the mall. He wasn't going to buy anything; he wasn't really in the mood to try on clothes. He was okay with just walking around and window shopping. He would occasionally pass a store with something on the mannequins that he would have loved to own, but he just couldn't find it in him to drag himself into the store. That would be tapping into the person that he used to be, someone who he didn't want to be anymore.
Kurt's mind began to wander to Blaine, as usual. No matter how hard Kurt tried, he couldn't seem to get the hazel-eyed boy out of his mind. Here was a person who actually cared for Kurt in many ways no one else had. Here was a boy who could probably understand Kurt on so many levels. But, that would mean letting Blaine in to everything, letting him go deep inside Kurt to find out where the wounds have been made. And that is something he didn't want to explain, he honestly didn't even know how to explain. His mind was a mess; he couldn't even make sense of it to himself.
In a way, he wanted to let Blaine in, even more so, he wanted to know where Blaine had gotten his scars. He remembers the night on the Ferris wheel, his finger tips ghosting over Blaine's past. Kurt wondered if Blaine had let anyone touch his scars like that, just let him see them, completely exposed. He wondered if Blaine was ashamed. He wondered if Blaine still had the urges to do it again. He wondered, most of all, why they were there. Blaine was a nice, smart and talented guy from the looks of it, what had gone so wrong? Bad family life? Maybe that was it.
Kurt sighed and headed toward the exit of the mall, he was done for the day. He could tell his dad that Mercedes had to leave or something and they just couldn't find the right outfit. He knew that he would be suspicious, and maybe Kurt should have bought something, but like always, he couldn't bring himself to care all that much.
Just as Kurt was approaching his car, he saw a group of guys, in what appeared to be, McKinely high letterman jackets. Kurt froze, not here, not now. Not when he was having a shitty day to begin with. He caught one of the jock's eyes and he smirked. Kurt swallowed thickly as he saw the jock swing his arm to get the attention of the other guys. Now, all of them were heading towards Kurt.
"Well, looky here boys, it's Hummel! Hey, Hummel, on a date with your boyfriend?" One of them mocked.
Kurt just shook his head and looked down.
"You used to be so full of spunk, what happened lady, realized that your homo ways aren't tolerated with us?"
"Just leave me alone." Kurt said, breath shaking.
They laughed, "Oh, but that means giving you what you want, now doesn't it? You know your life would be easier if you weren't a fag."
Kurt's backside was now touching the back of his car and was shaking fiercely. He could run, but they were faster, he could punch, but they were stronger. Kurt knew where this was going to go. Might as well fight back, Kurt thought, what is there to lose?
"Yeah, because I choose to be gay, I choose my life to be a living hell." Kurt snapped.
"In fact, fairy, you do. You see, we should try and make you change your mind. Rough you up a bit, maybe that will straighten you out, don't you think, boys?"
Nods of heads all round.
One of the jocks stepped forward and kneed Kurt in his groin. Kurt yelled out in pain and doubled over, his hand reaching out to the ground to catch himself. Once he was on the ground, he felt five kicks in his stomach, and on his back. And they were enough to leave Kurt sobbing on the ground. After each of them had their go, they spat at him and left him there in the ground.
Kurt had never felt so much pain in his life, all he wanted was for him to just die already. Oh, why did he have to go to the mall today? Why did he have to go to McKinely? Why did he have to live in Lima? Why was he even born to begin with? He gasped for air, his breath coming in quick, short pants. He didn't think anything was broken, but it was all going to leave bruises all of his stomach and back.
Kurt was finally able to pull himself up, using his car as support and climb into the vehicle. He gasped for air, his head spinning and his body throbbing in pain. He couldn't go back home, he couldn't let his dad see him like this. That means Kurt would have to explain to his dad everything that has been happening to him for these past months, hell, even years. He wasn't going to do that too his dad, he loved him far too much. He wasn't going to go to anyone in the glee club either, they would do the same thing, and even though Kurt loved the people in his glee club, they had not loved him enough. They could have noticed, could have done something, but they didn't. They just wouldn't care enough.
Kurt looked into his rearview mirror and gasped at the sight. His face was streaked with tears and his hair was a mess. All in all, he did look like a guy who had just gotten beaten up. He couldn't understand, why were they doing this to him? Why couldn't they just leave him alone? It had never gotten this bad, yes, he had gotten punched in the face once, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the pain that was coursing through his body right now. The bruises were going to take a long time to heal, he could tell. Not even just the physical bruises, but the ones that were going to last inside him forever, the look on the jocks faces while they were beating him up; they showed no mercy, or remorse. Just pure hatred.
He rested his head on his steering wheel and took deep breaths. Where was he to go? His dad was not going to expect him back for at least another four or five hours because usually after him and Mercedes go shopping, they go out to eat and go back to her house to hangout for awhile. Of course, he hadn't actually done this in months, but his dad didn't know that. Where to go, where to go, where to-
Oh, of course.
Where else had he gone when he was feeling like this? He had only hoped that Blaine was still had Dalton for the holidays.
Kurt parked in his usual spot when he arrived at Dalton. But, this time, he wasn't going to wait until Blaine saw him, he was going to go up and find Blaine on his own. It was around three o'clock, so he should be in his dorm, if he didn't go home over the holidays.
As Kurt walked the familiar pathway, he looked around and took in the surroundings. He didn't actually pay attention to any of it when he had first walked it, but now that he was, he was pretty blown away by the beauty. On both sides of him, there was grass and flowers that lined up along the pathway as you walked. There were fountains in the distance to his right and left, both made out of stone. They looked old and worn, but were still functioning well. He looked ahead and saw the building that was the public office. It had steps leading up to the big black double doors with a 'D' incrusted on it. There were archways above the door and vines woven into it. The whole thing almost looked like a modern day castle.
He took a deep breath as he pulled the door open and entered into the building. Right away, there was a big front desk where a lady sat, typing away on her computer. Kurt glanced to the right and saw the hallway that led to the dorms. How exactly was he going to get back there?
"Excuse me young man, what can I help you with?" The receptionist looked up at Kurt.
"Anderson. I am here to see Blaine Anderson."
The lady raised her eyebrows and scanned Kurt's entire person her eyes going wide, "Sign in."
Kurt could tell that she was alarmed by his appearance. Who wouldn't be? He looked like a wreck. He was thankful that she didn't question him, and signed into the front desk. He gave her a grateful glance and went to the right to go find Blaine.
Kurt was shaking with anticipation by now, he just wanted to see Blaine, wanted to see someone who cared for him, someone who he didn't have to explain himself to. He knew that Blaine wouldn't push him to answer anything because he already knew, that was the beauty of it. He just needed to see Blaine.
Kurt stopped observing everything around him once he got into the hall and up the stairs he went, getting curious glances from the passing by students. He couldn't bother to care right now; he just wanted to see Blaine. He quickly walked down the hallways, pushing past anyone who had gone wide eyes and stopped in their tracks. He didn't care; he just wanted to see Blaine.
Finally, finally, he got to Blaine's door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door loudly. He heard rustling, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He was there.
He saw the doorknob turn, "Nick, I told you, I am not going to that par-"
Kurt swallowed.
"Kurt," Blaine whispered and looked him up and down, "What in the hell happened to you?"
And there it was, that look of nothing but care. Blaine looked like he had been kicked in the face and there was nothing but worry and concern in his eyes. Kurt couldn't take it and he struggled to find the words, but could only feel his throat close up.
Kurt felt a tug on his arm and he was pulled into Blaine's room. He heard the door slam shut and Blaine whipped around to face him again.
Blaine scanned Kurt once more, really taking his appearance, "What hurts?"
"E-everything. My whole body." Kurt whispered.
Blaine nodded, "Okay. I need you to take off your shirt, I want to see how bad the bruises are."
Kurt blinked; he shouldn't be as surprised as he is right now. He knew that Blaine knew what had happened to him, but he was definitely not expecting him to ask him to take off his shirt.
"Kurt, come on, I'm not going to do anything, and I just need to see how bad your injuries are make sure you don't have any broken ribs." Blaine pleaded.
"O-okay." Kurt whispered, and he undid the buttons of his black shirt.
Once he had all the buttons undone, he shrugged the material off of his shoulders and threw the shirt on Blaine's bed.
Kurt looked at Blaine and he knew instantly that these injuries were bad. Blaine looked like he got hit by a truck. His eyes were wide and his jaw was dropped.
"That bad?" Kurt asked.
Blaine didn't reply but only stepped closer to Kurt, he could read Blaine's eyes more clearly now, he looked, well he just looked mad now. There was a fire in Blaine's eyes that he had never seen before. His jaw was set and he could see Blaine swallow thickly.
"Blaine?" Kurt was almost afraid now, he had never seen anyone look so, just, angry before.
"It doesn't make sense to me, Kurt. I don't get it. How can anyone be so cruel? To have different beliefs and not agree with our lifestyle is one thing, to actually, physically harm someone for them is another. I… I just, I'm sorry. I wish there was some way I could have stopped that from happening to you." Blaine's flickered to Kurt's before looked back down.
Kurt sighed, "It was going to happen eventually, Blaine."
Blaine shook his head, "It shouldn't have to though. Lay on my bed real quick, I need to make sure you don't have any broken or cracked ribs."
Kurt nodded and laid down on his back across Blaine's bed.
Wow, I'm on a boy's bed, half-naked, Kurt thought. He quickly shook it away though, it's not like it was for any reason other than to make sure Kurt was okay.
"Okay, this is definitely going to hurt a bit. I'm just going to feel around your ribs. You should have already known if one was broken, though. But, I was want to double check and make sure." Blaine stated, sitting next to Kurt on the bed.
Kurt only nodded and braced himself for the pain he was about to feel.
Blaine brought his hands up and using the very tip of his fingers, he pushed onto Kurt's skin.
Kurt arched his back and hissed in pain, "Fuck."
"Sorry," Blaine breathed out, "Just bare with me here, it shouldn't take a long time."
Even with the pain, Kurt still felt the heat of Blaine's skin on his bare chest. He could only imagine what it would feel to have Blaine's smooth hands run up and down Kurt's sides, the scent of him making Kurt go weak in the knees. To what it would feel like to have Blaine's hands run down his back, his lips on his neck…
"Alright, I'm done." Blaine stated, taking his hands away from Kurt's chest.
Kurt snapped out of his trance, "So, any cracked ribs?"
"No, just some really bad bruises. Those might be there for awhile." Blaine pursed his lips.
Kurt sighed and brought his elbows in to sit up a bit, "I figured. This is going to suck; my other bruises had already started to fade away. Now, I have a brand new set of them," He looked down at his chest, "I look awful."
"No," Blaine said quickly, "No, you don't. I meant what I said the first time you came to Dalton, Kurt. You are very beautiful. These bruises will fade in time."
Kurt felt the blush creep up his face and spread across his neck, a boy just called him beautiful. And it was Blaine, no less. The most beautiful boy he had ever laid eyes on. But, he was probably saying that to be nice. He knew he couldn't look one once of attractive with or without the bruises.
"You don't believe me do you?" Blaine asked.
Kurt laughed dryly, "No, not really."
They locked eyes, "Well, you are."
They stayed like that for awhile, just looking at each other. Kurt knew that Blaine was telling the truth, that he had in fact, meant what he said. Kurt just couldn't believe it himself. But, maybe that was the point. Maybe it was better to have someone look at you, knowing you are beautiful because you weren't able to find the beauty in yourself. And maybe that person was to show you how beautiful you really were.
Blaine broke the silence, "You don't have to tell me, but what happened?"
"I was at the mall, and I was leaving and walking to my car, the jocks from my school were there and they just said some nasty things and beat me up." Kurt shrugged.
Blaine smiled tightly, "Yeah, been there, done that."
Kurt furrowed his eyebrows, "Really?"
"I told you I had my own story, Kurt. And well, maybe now is the time to tell it."
Kurt licked his lips, "You don't have to, Blaine. I've seen your scars, it must be something that is hard to relive and I don't want to make you do that."
Blaine smiled again, only this time, it was sincere, "You need to hear this, Kurt. And yeah, some of it is quite hard and I will get emotional, but I think I have to tell you. You might benefit from it."
"Alright," Kurt nodded, "Tell me your story, Blaine Anderson."
"Well, I guess I should start out from the beginning, when I realized when I was truly gay…"
Blaine Anderson was sitting in his 9th grade English class at Adams High School in Ohio, taught by Mrs. Wilson. He was tapping his pencil on his paper, barely even listening to what the teacher was lecturing about. But, it didn't worry him too much; Blaine had the best grade in his entire class. English was easily his easiest subject; it was a piece of cake whipping out a two page essay on the latest book they had read in class. Only because Blaine had read it already in his free time.
Blaine was always a little different from all of the other guys in his school, he had always known that, although, no one else had. All of the guys here were interested in sports, and while Blaine loved sports, he loved making music more. He was a singer, a guitarist, a pianist, and a writer. Also, all of the guys had started getting girlfriends and acting like jerks, but Blaine just wasn't into that. He had always been a polite young man, treating every girl with respect. Which is probably why he was also the most popular guy in school, as much as girls loved the bad boys, there was something about Blaine's charm and disinterest in relationships that was almost like a challenge for every girl. And did girls love a challenge.
Blaine heaved a great sigh, all he wanted was to go home and finish the song he was started writing last night.
The classroom door open, and naturally, everyone looked up to see who the visitor was. It was a boy.
A beautiful boy, Blaine thought. He was tall, had brown hair that flipped to one side, he also had piercing green eyes. Blaine blinked, who was this guy?
"Oh! You must be Eric! Class, this is our new student to Adam High School, he just transferred. Please, make him feel welcome. You can take a seat next to Blaine, right over there." Mrs. Wilson pointed to the seat next to Blaine.
Eric smiled, "Thank you."
Blaine saw all the girls swoon as he walked down the aisle to go sit next to him. This boy was going to sit next to me, okay, what was the big deal? Blaine thought.
"Hey." Eric flashed him a dazzling smile and took a seat next to Blaine.
"Uh, hi." Blaine stuttered.
What was making him feel like this? What was this? He was just another guy… An extremely attractive guy.
"Take a picture, it will last longer, sweetie." Eric smiled and winked at him.
Blaine's eyes went wide and he looked down at his hands, had he really been staring at him for that long?
Blaine has found other guys attractive, but he never really thought anything of it. Just like how girls can find each other attractive without it meaning anything, right?
But, when Blaine stole one last glance at Eric, he saw that he was already looking at him like he wanted to eat him.
The bell rang and everyone got up quickly and rushed out of the room onto their next period.
Eric bent over and whispered in Blaine's ear, "I'm glad I get to sit next to you, maybe transferring wasn't a bad idea after all. See you later, bright eyes."
And with that, Blaine was left speechless as Eric got up and left for his next class.
Well, this could be potentially bad, Blaine thought.
"That was probably the most cliché figuring-out-I'm-truly-gay story I have ever heard." Kurt stated after Blaine was done talking.
Blaine laughed, "I know. I mean, I think I always sort of knew, but I think that was the real moment for me. No guy at my middle school was equally as attractive as Eric was."
Kurt nodded, "I've always known. Always. Hell, even my dad knew before I came out to him. I think I made it kind of obvious. But, anyway, what happened after that, did you have a big gay freak out?"
Blaine shook his head, "No. I was always an opened minded kid, even though my parents weren't. I always accepted everyone for who they were because I wanted them to accept me for who I was."
"So… This Eric guy was obviously gay?"
"Yes, very much so. After he hit on me that day, there was no point in trying to deny my sexuality. I knew I was gay, one-hundred percent. Like I said, I've always sort of knew, that was just the final tip really."
"Did he have some big straight freak out or something and broke your heart?" Kurt asked, trying to guess where Blaine was going with his story.
"Oh, just hush up and let me finish me story." Blaine smiled.
"By all means, continue." Kurt waved his arm, gesturing him to go on.
"Okay, well, after that, me and Eric sort of… Started seeing each other I guess. We didn't want anyone to know though, mostly because of my parents. I was still naïve to think that my friends would still accept me," Blaine chuckled and shook his head, "How wrong I was."
Blaine paused then continued, "It was all going quite well, actually. Eric and I were pretty happy, we would steal kisses when no one was looking, and hang out together in all of our free time. He always loved watching me play guitar and write music."
"Can I ask one question?" Kurt interrupted.
Blaine nodded.
"Were you in love with him?"
Blaine licked his lips, "In a way, sure. There is always that part of me that will care for him. But, we didn't last that long, unfortunately."
Kurt raised his eyebrows, "What went wrong?"
A dark shadow casted over Blaine's eyes, "We were caught."
"Eric! We are at school! No now!" Blaine protested and backed away from Eric.
"Blaaaaine! Please? I haven't kissed you all day, just once?" Eric smiled.
"Anyone can come by and catch us." Blaine pointed out.
Eric waved his hand, "We are behind the bleachers, we will be fine, and no one comes this way! Come on, babe, please?"
Blaine looked at Eric with pursed lips, "Oh, alright, just one though! Then we need to get back to class."
Eric only smiled and launched himself at Blaine, attacking his lips. Blaine's breath hitched from the force driven behind it, but relaxed in an instant at the familiar taste of Eric's mouth. He knew when Blaine said just one kiss, that wasn't going to be it. Their mouths were connected for about thirty seconds when they broke apart, and then they dove in for another.
"Okay, okay. That was way more than one. Jesus, I can never say no when it comes to you." Blaine shook his head.
Eric smirked and kissed Blaine on the cheek, "Eh, you know you liked it."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, sweetheart." Blaine rolled his eyes.
They made their way to class, hands occasionally brushing at each other's side, both aching to reach out and grab one another.
The next day, when Blaine and Eric entered the school, there were pictures of them everywhere, pictures of them kissing the previous day behind the bleachers.
They stood there, frozen in the middle of the hallway, as everyone whispered and pointed at them.
"Oh my god." Blaine breathed.
"This… This can't be happening." Eric blinked.
"HEY! ANDERSON. SMITH. Maybe you should be careful where you choose your make out spots!"
Eric and Blaine turned around and saw one of their close friends, Mark, with an amused look on his face.
"You took the picture?" Blaine asked, astonished his friend would do this.
"And printed them!" Mark laughed, along with everyone else standing in the hallway.
"Not cool, dude." Eric sneered.
Mark laughed, "What isn't cool is, dude, is two guys making out. We always knew there was something off about you Anderson, how you were into music and shit like that. Even if you played sports, we knew there was something different. Turns out you were a faggot all along."
Everyone laughed.
Blaine stared at his once close friend, and couldn't believe was he was hearing. This was a guy who he had grown up with, hell, he grown up with all of these people. And they are turning their backs on him just because he happened to be attracted to guys?
"And you, Smith, better protect your boyfriend, he's going to need it." Mark slammed Blaine into the locker.
Blaine stood there, back against the locker, still in shock. How can things go from great to horrible in the matter of one day? Just because they were stupid enough to kiss out in public?
"I-I can't." Blaine heard Eric whisper.
"Eric…"
"No, Blaine. This can't happen to me. I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." Eric turned on his heel and left.
That was the last time Blaine had seen of Eric Smith.
Kurt was in shock, "He just… Left?"
Blaine nodded, "I'm assuming he went home, told his parents and they pulled him out of school that very same day."
"Where is he now?"
Blaine shrugged, "Who knows? He changed his number, too. I have no way in contacting him. I'm not sure if I would want to, though. He left me when I needed him the most."
"So, now how the whole school knows. When did your parents find out?"
"The very same day."
The rest of the day at school for Blaine was a day from hell. He kept his head down as he walked the halls with whispers and profanities screamed at him.
"FAG."
"WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND, ANDERSON?"
"Don't touch him guys, you might catch the gay!"
Blaine had never felt so humiliated in his life. Little did Blaine know, that was not going to be the worst of it.
By the time the day was over, Blaine was about ready to burst into tears. He quickly escaped his last period class and ran all the way home. He still heard the names being thrown at him, he was even pushed by some guy and fell to the ground.
Blaine wanted to run away, to disappear. To go back in time and undo that kiss yesterday with Eric. Blaine knew the moment that Eric left earlier that morning that he would never see him again. And that's what hurt Blaine the most. He was going to go this alone, not even Eric was willing to stick by him. He was alone.
He was out of breath by the time he reached his house. He pulled the door open and slammed it shut. He let his head hit roll back and hit the door. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to clam himself down. He was home now, nothing could hurt him.
"BLAINE EVERETT ANDERSON. YOU GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW."
Blaine's heart stopped. His father. Oh god, no. Not his father. The one who had the most narrowed mind in the world, and the man who would never accept his son for who he truly is. The kind father who would disown his son for being gay.
Blaine swallowed the biggest lump he had ever had in his throat and slowly made his way into the kitchen. Once in there, his mother was sitting at the kitchen table, he hand to her mouth, and tears pouring down her face.
"Mom-"
"WHAT IS THIS?"
Blaine's dad screamed and threw something in his face, and there it was, the picture of him and Eric kissing. Blaine looked up at his father and saw nothing but pure anger and hatred in his black eyes.
Well, there was no point in lying, it was all over now.
"Exactly what it looks like." Blaine whispered.
"NO! I will not have a fag for a son! I simply will not!" Blaine felt a cold hand collide with his cheek.
"Jonathan!" Blaine's mother gasped.
Blaine stumbled back and gripped his face, "Try and beat it out of me, dad, go ahead, do it. It won't change anything. I've been this way all my life."
His father looked furious now, his face was red and his eyes were cold black spheres, and his fists were at his side, clenched.
"I will not let my son be a disgrace to the Anderson name. Think about what everyone would say Blaine! Everyone is already talking! I've had hundreds of these flyers shoved in our mailbox today! You will go and make this right! You will tell everyone the guy threatened you and you had no choice and I will find you a girlfriend, the Jennson's have a nice daughter, she's about your age-"
"NO! I will not pretend to be someone who I am not. I'm done with that. You are my father and you are supposed to love and accept me for who I am, no matter what. Eric has probably already fled town by now and I refuse to go on a date with that girl!" Blaine yelled at his father.
"Don't you test me, boy, I am your father and you will do what I say!"
"Or what? What can you do to me?" Blaine challenged.
"FINE. You don't want to change? You don't want to obey me? I'll tell you what: You can go to school, get made fun or, teased, and I will let them call you names. And I won't do a damned thing about it because I gave you your alternative. YOU ARE NOT MY SON." Blaine's father stormed out of the room.
Blaine stood there in the middle of the kitchen, breath faltering and body shaking. He looked over at him mom and she was just sitting there, at the table with her elbows on the table, hands folded together and pressed to her mouth. Tears were falling from her eyes.
"Mom, I-"
"No. Y-your father gave the alternative. M-maybe in time you will see… That this is all just a phase. Yes, just a phase. And then you will meet a nice girl and fall in love and everything will be okay again."
Blaine didn't respond, he knew his mother was only really trying to convince herself that this might not end badly. But, he knew better and he knew this was just the beginning of hell.
"From that moment on, my father has never looked at me the same." Blaine was looking at his hands, twiddling his thumbs in his lap.
Kurt was rendered speechless, "I, oh god, Blaine, I can't even imagine…"
They sat there in silence for a moment. Kurt knew how difficult this must have been for Blaine, having to relive all of this again. Kurt almost felt selfish; the reason why Blaine had to do this was because of him. If he hadn't gone to that damn coffee shop that day, this would have never happened. He wouldn't have met Blaine. But, that was a scary thought all on its own, not having met Blaine. Whether Kurt admitted to it or not, Blaine was a big part of why he was still alive today.
"What are you thinking?" Blaine finally asked.
Kurt glanced up at Blaine with a questioning look.
"Well, at first you looked really upset and then you looked like you just had some great epiphany or something." Blaine clarified.
"Oh, well, uh…" Kurt didn't really know how to say it.
"Come on, Kurt, nothing you tell me will affect me negatively." Blaine said, head tilting to the side.
"At first, I was thinking about how awful I felt for making you relive this part of your life. It may be over but it's still a part of you. I wished for a second that we had never met. I wished that I had not decided to go to the Lima Bean that day. But then, I realized, if I hadn't met you, I don't think I would be here, as in, alive." Kurt finished, giving out a big breath.
Blaine stared at him with wide eyes, "I don't regret meeting you, Kurt. I'm very glad I did, especially if it means that I saved your life. As for me telling my story, yeah, it is hard reliving these events, but it has to be done. That part in my life is over, you're right, and it will also be with my forever, but it has no affect on me now. I am happy now, so all these bad things happened to me for some reason, I did get something good out of it."
Blaine placed his hand over Kurt's hand, which were starting to go a little numb from sitting up on his elbows for so long.
Kurt smiled at Blaine, thanking him for the kind gesture, as he felt the sparks shoot through his body.
Kurt then moved to one side of the bed, motioning for Blaine to lay down right next to him by patting the empty space that was now beside him.
Blaine gave him a small smile and laid beside Kurt, instantly warming up his body.
"So, well, I basically chose my fate that day. It was hell from then on out. When I went to school, no one talked to, not a soul. My teachers never called me, picked on me, which I guess some people would be grateful for. But, I was just so lonely. The only type of human contact I got was shoves into lockers and profanities yelled at me by the students. Even at home, it was like I was invisible. I would just go up to my room and then come out to get my dinner. The only time my parents would speak to me was when we had to go to dinner parties for my father's work," Blaine took a breath, "It was like I was living but not really. I wasn't really there. I literally felt like nothing, like there was no point to me. Music couldn't even make me feel better anymore."
Kurt swallowed, "How long was it before…"
"Before I started cutting myself? After the day my parents found out… Probably about three months later. I was triggered to do it… I never thought I actually would."
Blaine walked the halls of his high school with his down, never making eye contact with any of the students in fear they might say something. Blaine had grown silent, never speaking unless spoken to. Never singing along to any of the songs on his iPod, just listening. Blaine Anderson was alone in a crowded place.
The only time anyone would take notice to him was when the boys would throw him into the lockers or trip him in the hallway. He would never fight back, he had learned not to fight back; it would only make things worse. So, he would pick up his books off of the ground, hold back the tears that always threatened to fall and carry on to his class. Every inch of his body hurt, the bruises from locker shoves and his sore knees from falling were getting worse and worse by the week. He just wanted all of it to stop, for it to go away.
Sometimes, he wished he weren't gay, or ever who he was. He wished he was someone else.
It was after school, when he was putting his books in his locker when he felt a strong hand clamp down on his shoulder.
Blaine froze in fear.
"Well, well, well, boys. Look who we have you, Blaine Anderson."
"Just me alone, Brandon." Blaine whispered.
Brandon was the boy who seemed to have the most problem with Blaine. He was usually the one to shove him into lockers, to trip him in the hall and he had a group of friends who stood by and laughed.
Blaine felt Brandon's breath against his neck, "You know what happens to people like you, Blaine? They go to hell. You chose this, so don't act like you don't deserve it. It is your choice to like men, it is your choice to have your life be like this. We are just doing the right thing by making sure your choices are carried out."
Blaine whipped around so he was face to face with Brandon, who was only standing inches away from him. He saw his friends come around them in a circle.
"I've done nothing to you, I don't understand why you can't just leave me alone." Blaine chocked.
Brandon rose and eyebrow, "Alone, yes I will give you that one Anderson, you will always be alone. No one in this school will even talk to you, not even look at you, they are even afraid to touch you because they might catch your disease. You will always be alone, Blaine. No one will ever love you. I bet your parents are ashamed to have a son like you."
Blaine closed his eyes and felt hot tears stream down his face. Yes, yes, it was all true. Blaine was alone, with absolutely no one. Brandon was right, Blaine was going to be alone for the rest of his life. Blaine was sure of this now. It was just how it was, he had chose this after all, it was his fault, he deserved all of it.
"You see, Anderson? The world would be better off without you in it." Brandon spat in his face and turned his heal, walking away, his friends following after him.
Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat and slammed his locker door. He quickly fled the school, never once looking up, just staring at the ground below. He couldn't see very clearly, his tears were blurring his vision.
When Blaine reached his house, he yanked open the door and ran up the stairs into his bedroom. He saw his parents in the kitchen by they didn't look up, they never looked up anymore. He was just a boy who was living in their house simply because he was not old enough to live on his own. Blaine knew they day he turned eighteen, his parents would kick him out for good.
Going into the bathroom that was connected to his bedroom, he tore off his clothes in a blind rush and stepped into the shower. He turned it on and felt the boiling water colliding with his skin. He stood there, sobs wrecking his entire body, arms wrapping around his front. This is what Blaine always did, he would come in the shower to cry, that way his parents wouldn't hear him cry.
You will always be alone.
You will always be alone.
You will always be alone.
Brandon's voice echoed in his mind. Blaine was now convinced that he will always be alone. There was no way around it anymore. It was his fate, he had to expect it. No one would care for him, no one will ever love someone like him. He was a disgrace to everyone. He was a failure, he was worth nothing.
So, maybe it was better to turn this all off. Make it easier on him, to turn everything off. But, how?
Blaine glanced up and saw the razor sitting on the shelf in the shower. He had heard about self-harm, how people would resort to it when they feel like they had nothing left.
Blaine always wondered why anyone would want to do that to themselves, but now… Not Blaine was wrong. He did in fact, have nothing left to his name. No one would care, and no one would notice, so maybe…
He grabbed the razor and twirled it in his hand. The blade was sharp, he knew. He had only used it to shave a couple times before for his face. He knew it hadn't grown dull.
Maybe it could stop some of the pain.
Licking his lips, he glided the razor, hard, a couple of inches from his wrist. He saw the red automatically bloom from his skin.
Warmth.
He didn't have to feel when he did this. It was comforting.
So, he did it again, and again, and again, until he had four cuts on his arm.
He watched the blood come out of his skin, lace into the water and down the drain. It was captivating, hypnotizing.
Nothing else seemed to matter anymore to Blaine, the fact that he was alone at school, at his home, he just needed the feeling of that razor against his skin, and maybe he would be okay.
Blaine's eyes were closed and he was touching his arm.
"Blaine…" Kurt's voice shook.
Blaine snapped from his trance, "I remember that day too clearly. Sometimes, I wish I didn't remember that day, for that day just to be erased because I think about it every day. What Brandon said and how I believed him. I wish I didn't believe him."
Kurt didn't know what to say, "I-I'm sorry, Blaine. I wish I could say something but I think I am in no place to say anything."
Blaine shook his head, "It's fine, Kurt. What's done is done, I can't rewrite the past. Like I said, it's hard for me to relive it, but it doesn't affect my day to day life anymore."
Kurt nodded, "So, what happened from there?"
"Well, I just stopped feeling. I didn't cry when anyone yelled at me shoved me into the lockers. I didn't feel the stab of pain in my heart when I saw my parents. I was just… There. It was like I was living physically, but mentally, I was gone. The only time when I felt was when I would cut myself. It was like my release. To what, I don't know, I didn't have emotion left in me, but I always felt better afterwards."
Kurt nodded in agreement, he what that felt like. Hell, he was still living it. Sort of, he knew he started to feel again.
"How long were you like that for?" Kurt asked.
"Months, even after I transferred, I still felt that way. It took awhile to heal, but luckily, I did. I have a lot to thank to the Warblers, they helped me a lot. Wes and David, those two are my best friends and the only people who know about all of this. The others, they knew about the bullying, they didn't know the full extent of it though."
"What… How did they heal you?"
"It was obvious to them that I had a difficult time at my old school. They didn't even do much really, all they did was come up to me and tell me that they are here for me, for anything. They said they realized I had it tough at my old school, but to let me know that I'm not alone." Blaine smiled.
"I told them about it one day, all of it came pouring out. They sat beside me while I cried and they told me things I needed to hear. After that, I started to heal. Those guys at my old high school, those aren't the only kind of people out there. There are people out there who except you for who you are, and who love you no matter what. I see that now." Blaine finished.
Kurt didn't know when the tears started to come but when they did, they weren't stopping. His voice broke as he spoke, "Do you… Do you really think so? Do you I can heal from this? Do you think there is a better place for me out there?"
Blaine shifted so he was on his side, facing Kurt who was still on his back, "Yes, Kurt. If I healed, so can you. And there is a place for you out there. There is a place where you belong. You are so young, Kurt, you have the time to figure it out. Focus on what you want to do, who you want to be, keep to your goals and let no one stand in the way of them. That is giving them the satisfaction. The best revenge is success and your happiness."
"Is this where you belong?" Kurt asked.
"For now, at least, I'm glad I transferred. I probably would have been dead if I was still living with my parents."
"I know you were having a hard time… But, what made you transfer?"
"Pretty much what happened to you today."
It had been a typical day for Blaine that day, just the usual going to school, pretending not to exist, normal day. Blaine couldn't find it in him not to care though. Of course he didn't care, why would he care? It's just how it was meant to be.
On that February afternoon, he was taking his usual route home, in that was a long alley way between some houses. He only took it during the day, he knew what could happen if he went there at night, so he thought it was safe to use it while walking home.
How wrong he was.
"There you are, Anderson!"
Blaine's breath caught as he saw straight ahead what were Brandon and his group of unintelligent friends. Panic started to course through Blaine's body. If this was at school, it would be different, but they were not and they were some place where no one would find them.
"What's wrong Anderson, little faggot boyfriend got your tongue?" Brandon smirked.
"Stay away from me." Blaine whispered.
Brandon only moved closer, "Or what, fag? You gonna do something? You are obviously outnumbered and have nowhere to run or anyone to run to. You're nothing remember?"
Blaine swallowed, of course he remembered. How couldn't he remember? Brandon wouldn't make him forget.
With Blaine now backed into the fence of the alleyway, he couldn't run, he was cornered.
"Take it like a man, Anderson!" Brandon yelled in his face and swung his arm to collide with Blaine's cheek.
Blaine cried out as his face snapped to the side, nose already dripping with blood from the harsh blow.
Before he had any time to recover, another punch was thrown his way, but this time, in his stomach. Blaine doubled over as he gasped for air, his hand catching his fall.
"Why won't you fight, huh, Anderson? Too scared?"
A kick to his stomach.
"People like you will burn in hell!"
"Ah!"
Another kick his is stomach, but this time, hitting a rib in the process. He heard the snap of his bone.
Someone grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him up and shoved him against the fence. Blaine's head was flopping around like a rag doll.
"Come on, boy, nothing! You sit here and take it!" Brandon shook him fiercely.
"T-this is who I am. T-his is how I have to live. Nothing can change that, n-not even you." Blaine yelled.
Brandon's lips twisted up in a cruel, sickening, smile and clenched his fist to give one final blow to Blaine's stomach, earning another crack.
Brandon let go of Blaine, leaving him to drop on the alley way ground.
Blaine heard the others laugh as they walked away.
He laid there for who knows how long, just laying on his side, wishing just to die, to take the pain away, to just to end it all. He didn't know Brandon would take it this far, he was only used to lock shoves, but this was something completely different.
His body pulsed with pain, and even though all he wanted to do was lie there forever, he knew he had to get up and go home. With a load groan of pain, he pushed himself up so he was on his knees. Even just by doing that, he was out of breath. His house was about a quarter of a mile away, and didn't know if he could make it without passing out.
He got to his feet, but has to grip the fence to steady himself. With one aching step at a time, Blaine made his way to his house.
When he reached his house, it was nearly dark and his whole body was just pure pain. His side ached, along with his nose. He just wanted to go in bed and lie down and hopefully, never wake up.
He opened the door.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BOY?"
He looked up and saw his father marching at him with a face of pure anger on him.
But then, he stopped and looked at Blaine. His father blinked a few times as he scanned Blaine's body.
"Blaine?" His mother came out of the kitchen.
Hey eyes went wide as she gasped, "Oh, Blaine! What happened?"
Blaine was confused, since when did his parents care? He couldn't even remember the last time he had a full on conversation with them. He thought they would just look at him, shrug and Blaine would continue up the stairs, as usual. He did not expect this kind of… Care, from his parents.
"Um… Some kids… They beat me up…" Blaine finally said.
"Is this the first time?" His father asked.
"Um, this badly, yes. But, they always push me into lockers and stuff at school." Blaine shrugged, a stab of pain going through his body.
"And why didn't you tell us?" Blaine's mother asked frantically.
Blaine just stared at her, "Because you guys don't care. You stopped caring the moment you found out I was gay."
Silence.
Blaine knew he had caught them, he had always felt giddy with this realization. He had basically just told them that he knew they didn't give a damn about him.
"We… We just didn't know it was this bad." His mother said at last.
Blaine laughed, "Because you didn't care. Once you found out you had a fag for a son, you stopped caring about me. If you took the time to notice me, to really look at me, you would see how bad everything is for me. They all act like I choose this! Like I choose to be beat up every day of my life! For what? Just because I am attracted to guys? Why should it even matter? So, yes, you guys knew it was this bad. You just didn't even take the time out to care."
Blaine's chest was heaving by the time his speech was done. This had been something he had been keeping in a long time. Blaine felt rage, felt relief that his parents finally knew. Blaine… He just felt.
He felt again.
"Can you take me to the hospital or something? I think they broke a few of my ribs and it is getting difficult for me to even breathe properly?" Blaine said at last.
"You don't have to go back." Blaine's father spoke for the first time.
Blaine blinked, "And where do you suppose I go?"
"There… There is a private school in Westerville that my friends' son in Westerville goes to. It's an all boys school and I think they said something about a no bullying policy. You can transfer there."
"Really? But, why?"
His father came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder, "I… I'm sorry, Blaine. For the way we have been treating you. And I am sorry this is the way it had to go for us to see. But, you are my son and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I can't say I'm okay with you being gay. I can say though, I am not okay with you being beat up. We'll take you to the hospital. Do you remember who did this to you?"
Blaine nodded, speechless.
"Okay… Good. Delilah, get the car ready."
His mom patted Blaine's cheek and went outside to start the car.
It was over. It was all over. Blaine felt his shoulders relax for what felt like the first time in months. He felt the aching in his chest go and he felt his mind clear. He wouldn't have to go back and face Brandon tomorrow. He wouldn't have to go back to the school that made his life a living hell. And he didn't have to live at home anymore. No matter what his dad said, he knew he was uncomfortable with the fact that he was gay. But, he was grateful nonetheless.
Because he could heal now.
"A week later, I was here." Blaine smiled.
"Wow." Kurt breathed.
"Don't get me wrong, it's not like I came here thinking things would be all fine and dandy. I knew I was broken in a lot of ways. But, I was at a place where I could heal. I was at a place where nobody brought me down."
"And your parents?"
Blaine shrugged, "I talk to them every once in a while. They are really busy, though. I love my mom very much, and yes, I do love my father. I knew they were sorry for not noticing me, they even told me. But, I know they are still not okay with the fact that I am gay. We don't talk about it, though. I will probably never be able to bring around a boyfriend once I have one, which sucks. But, I'm grateful for them for sending me here."
Kurt sat up in his bed, arms resting on his knees. He was soaking Blaine's story in. Blaine, who had it way worse than Kurt has ever had. He went through so much, and yet, he is still here, sitting beside Kurt. Blaine went through more than Kurt had and he healed. If Blaine could do it… Why couldn't he? Kurt really didn't want to be like this for the rest of his life. He had dreams before all of this had started, he wanted to become something. He really didn't want it all to go to waste.
Also, his dad. His dad is amazing, Kurt knew he was surrounded by family who loved him and accepted him, which was more than would Blaine could say. He had people to love him. He didn't want to disappoint his dad, because that's what it was. If he gave up on everything, after all his dad had gone through gone through for him, it would all mean nothing. Kurt didn't want to give up, he wanted to heal, and he wanted to be something great.
"I… I think I get it now." Kurt whispered.
Blaine sat up next to Kurt, "What do you get?"
"If you survived, if you got out of it, if you had the strength to heal… Then so can I."
Kurt turned to look at Blaine who was beaming at him, the biggest smile he had ever seen Blaine wear.
"Yeah, yeah you can, Kurt." Blaine rubbed his hand up and down Kurt's still shirtless back.
"Thank you, Blaine. For not giving up on me, I know I'm stubborn and I won't usually listen to anything I don't want to hear, but you still tried. You didn't give up on me. And more importantly, you noticed me when no one else did. So, thank you, for everything." Kurt smiled at Blaine.
"I'm not going to lie when I say this to you, Kurt: It's going to be hard. Some days you will want to give up and go back to your old routine. But, you will have days where you feel good because you are allowing yourself to heal again, where you can take everything that happened to you, and look at it from a different perspective. What happened to you was something that can only make you stronger. You can walk out of this alive and better than ever. I will be here for your hard days, Kurt, because I understand what it is like to have them. It was only my pleasure for making you realize that even though it may not seem like it, everything will be okay."
Kurt had tears running down his eyes, "God, look at me, you have me reduced to tears," He laughed, "Wow, it feels good to do that again."
"To feel?" Blaine asked.
Kurt nodded his head, "Yeah. I used to think that the only time I could feel was the time when I felt the blade go through my skin. And maybe I will have days where I will still think that, but today, I don't feel like that."
"Healing is a damn long process, but it's worth it in the end."
"One question though… You were able to heal because you were in a place where you could heal. What if I can't heal because of where I am at?" Kurt asked.
"Do you have friends at your school, Kurt?"
"Well… Technically, yes. I do. But… They don't know about anything. And they never noticed. So, I am starting to question that."
Blaine pursed his lips, "The difference between you and me, Kurt, is that when people found out I was gay, they all left me alone. Your friends know you are gay, and did they stay?"
Kurt nodded.
"Then they will stay for this. You probably put up a very convincing act, Kurt. But, they love you, even if you think otherwise. You may have felt alone, like no one was noticing. But, maybe you were the one who didn't let them notice."
Kurt blinked, he had never thought of that. Of never wanting anyone to notice him before, isn't that what he wanted all along though? For someone to reach out and notice him, just like Blaine did?
"But… You noticed me." Kurt whispered.
"I did… But, that was because when I found out the reason why you were so sad, was when I saw those marks on your arm. Tell me, if your family or friends saw those cuts, what do you think they would do?"
"They would want to know why." Kurt said instantly.
"And then you would tell them and then they would understand. I get it, Kurt, you blame a lot of people for what's happened to you, and yes they are to blame. But, you have to remember, you shut everyone out. You didn't want them to see it." Blaine said gently.
"I didn't do it for myself though, I swear. I didn't want to tell my family because they have already gone through so much, I couldn't do that to them. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to… To make a big fuss out of it all. God, I don't even know why I didn't want them to know." Kurt hung his head, shamefully.
"Hey, no, none of that, I'm not trying to blame you for what happened. You thought you were doing the right thing by not telling anyone, but keeping it all in, that can catch up to you and hit you hard. You can't just bottle stuff in and expect it not to do some time of damage on you."
Kurt sighed, "I suppose so."
Blaine patted his hand, "Can I take a look at your arms?"
Kurt didn't feel the need to hide in front of Blaine, so he held out both his arms so Blaine could see.
The cuts were still, very visible. Some had faded already, and some were long and red, indicating that they weren't put there too long ago.
Blaine grabbed his arm and cradled it his hand, being very gentle. He stroked his thumb along the cuts, "Some of these will scar, but it won't be as bad as mine. Mine were pretty deep, but yours are shallower. If we treat the ones that are new, they might not even scar."
Kurt nodded and let his arms drop to his side once Blaine was done looking at them. He was thankful that some of them wouldn't scar, but a little upset that some of them would. But, he shouldn't be so surprised, he had known that they would scar, he just hadn't cared, at the time.
Time.
"Oh crap, Blaine, what time is it?" Kurt asked.
"It is… A little past ten. Why?"
Kurt's jaw dropped, "My curfew is in an hour and it takes two hours for me to drive to Lima from here."
"Where does your dad think you are at?"
"Mercedes house, he thinks we went shopping then back to her place."
"Well, just tell him you are having a good time and you are going to stay the night. You can stay the night here and then drive back tomorrow." Blaine suggested.
Kurt shook his head, "I feel bad for staying in your room. You only have one bed and-"
"So we can share," Blaine cut Kurt off, "I don't mind, Kurt, really. But, if it makes you uncomfortable or something, then you don't have to."
"No, that's not it. I just don't want to… Impose or something."
Blaine smiled lightly, "Well, you're not."
Kurt nodded, "Okay, I'm going to call him and tell him I'm staying here, well technically, Mercedes house."
Kurt dug in his pocket and fished out his phone.
He put the phone to his ear and waiting for his dad to answer.
"Hello?" He finally picked up the phone after the third or fourth ring.
"Hey, dad! Do you mind if I spend the night at Mercedes?" Kurt asked, noticing his voice didn't sound as rehearsed as it used to.
"Sure, kiddo. What time you going to be home tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure, me and 'Cedes are probably going to be up all night so I don't know when we will wake up. Do I need to be home at a certain time for something?"
"No, no. I was just wondering. Have a good time, Kurt. I love you."
Kurt's heart swelled, "I love you too, dad. Goodnight."
Kurt hug up the phone and sighed, "I feel bad for lying to him all the time."
"So, don't." Blaine pursed his lips.
"What do you mean?"
"Kurt, are you are your father close?"
Kurt thought for a moment, "Yeah, I would say we are. Not recently though, I guess."
Blaine nodded, "Use that to your advantage, Kurt. My dad wasn't there for me when I needed him because I didn't think I could go to him for anything. It sounds like the opposite for you. And you are going to need a lot of support during this healing process."
"What are saying exactly?" Kurt's eyebrows furrowed together.
"What I'm saying is… You need to tell you dad. Everything."
Reviews make my hear go wee! Like, super wee!
Seriously, it took me hours to write this, to lay it all out. It would mean a lot to me if you took the time out to shoot me a review and tell me what you thought.
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Love,
Ally