House of the Akatsuki Chapter 6

Many families have their personal traditions and if you could somehow assume Akatsuki as a 'family' then you could say they have theirs too. One of the more intresting traditions was every friday night instead of having Konan or Kisame cook like every other night, a random member would be chosen to peform the culinary task. Sadly though over the last few weeks one may call this tradition a "failure". Itachi couldn't cook anything more then instant ramen, Hidan made a tomato soup only to tell everyone afterwards the red liquid wasn't tomato, and Kakuzu cheaped out and bought everyone cheeseburgers from a local fast food restaurant. Tonight though as Zetsu walked through the kitchen doors and passed out his cooking, all the members had to admit that the steaks looking back at them seemed both tender and juicy.

Pein grinned as a piece of meat was placed before him, "Wow Zetsu, thats amazing we didn't know you could cook like that!" Both sides of Zetsu beemed, "We are very adept...At cooking meats." Tobi slipped his mask up slightly and gnawed at it with his hands, "Zetsu-san's cooking is the best!!!" Soon everyone was agreeing with their contented moans as they ate their steaks. As Konan finished up she patted her stomach with an 'ah' and looked over at Zetsu, "That was very delicious Zetsu-san, what do you call this dish?" Zetsu continued to eat but talked through bites, "Dan Madson" Konan scratched her head, "And what is a 'Dan Madson'"? Zetsu casually swallowed a piece and looked over to the woman, "The mailman" he said normally and continued to eat, not noticing as everyone's eyes widened and forks drop to the plates in a clatter of silverware.

"Oh my fucking God!" Hidan screamed and raced out the door to the bathroom, followed by Kisame, "My God i'm a cannibal!" he screamed. Tobi was the next out, "I don't wanna be a cannibal!!!" he shrieked as Deidara pushed by him, all his mouths ready to barf, "Move, un!" Itachi silently but quickly left the room along with Kakuzu however Pein and Konan stayed in the room and as Pein vomited his guts up in a potted plant Konan covered her mouth and looked at Zetsu, "Zetsu whats the matter with you?!" Zetsu looked at her funny, "What?...You guys weren't bitching as you were stuffing your fat faces!"

A half hour later 9 cloaked figures made their way through the busy streets of Rain Country. Although most members were holding their stomachs in pain as they walked, a two toned venus flytrap member sighed as they continued on, "I don't see why we have to go out to eat...There is plenty of Dan Madson left." His response was a bunch of groans. Konan quickened her pace and walked next to Pein, "So where are we going to eat?" As they continued on their way they all stopped as they came into sight of a restaurant that seemed pretty high class, "When the hell did we get this?" Pein asked, not remembering any plans for a new upscale eating establishment in his city. However he was soon being pulled by Konan, "Come on leader-sama don't question good fortune lets just go!" she yelled happily as all the members dashed to the front door of the restaurant.

Inside the restaurant a greeter hummed happily to herself as she organized the menus. Hearing the door opened she looked up and smiled, "Hi and welcome, how many in your party-Oh my God!" she screamed as she saw the group of freaks known as Akatsuki, "9 please" Pein said happily not taking any offence unlike some of the other members who glared at the girl.

Since their were no tables that could sit 9 people, they made do with two seperate booths sitting 4 members each. On one table sat Hidan, Tobi, Zetsu, and Kisame. On the other sat Itachi, Konan, Pein, Kakuzu, and Deidara who was given a chair to sit at the edge of the booth. Tobi began coloring on the kid's menu as Kakuzu took the liberity to be a cheap ass and order water for his entire booth while Hidan took the liberity to order beer for his entire booth. As the waitress went away everyone tried to decide what they wanted to eat.

Kisame looked at his menu, "The porkchops look pretty good" he said to his table and Hidan sighed, "I can't eat pork, goes against my religon" and they all heard a groan come from the other table as Kakuzu yelled out, "I told you a million times, thats jews you moron" and Hidan laughed, "Oh yeah." Zetsu looked at the various meats, "Hmn they got buffalo burgers they kinda taste like human...I wonder if we can order them extra rare." Tobi eyed the kid's menu with excitment, "Ooo I'm gonna have the Hot Diggity Dog!" he said happily and they could hear Konan giggle on the other booth as Hidan sighed while Kisame just grinned.

In the other booth Konan looked over the salads, "I think i'm gonna have a nice garden salad" she said and Pein grinned, "Good for you Konan, watching your weight is always a good thing." Suddenly Konan's face turned red and she stood up and left for the bathroom. Pein watched her go, "Wonder whats wrong" and Kakuzu sighed, "The salad was just an appetizer leader-sama." Deidara laughed, "Way to go Romeo, looks like you turned your girl bulimic."

Fifthteen minutes later Pein was really wishing he sat over at the other table, because to say that the personalities of the two tables were different was an understatement. While Pein, Konan, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Deidara quietly sipped their glasses of water, banging could be heard coming from the other table as Kisame and Zetsu slammed thier fists on it repeatidly, "Chug-a-lug...Chug-a-lug" "Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug!" they screamed as Tobi and Hidan downed bottle after bottle of budweizer, Hidan normally and Tobi through his eyehole.

To the group's suprise Hidan was the first to have his head collide with the table, passed out as drool made it's way off the small surface. Tobi started to poke the unconcious man's body while swaying back and forth, "I toooooold you Hiiiidan-baka HIC you can't drink meeee under the table you fucking cunt!" The white side of Zetsu was appaled at the boy's speech but the black side laughed, "Woah! Never pictured Tobi as a mean drunk haha."

Kisame laughed too before looking up as the waitress came to thier table and the shark threw his arms up in celebration, "Alright the nachos are here!" he yelled and Zetsu, Kisame, and Tobi horrayed in celebration. The waitress then came to their table, "Here our your salads guys."

Pein stared down at his salad and water, and that at the people around him who ate in mature silence. Then casting a glance over his shoulder to see Kisame, and Tobi downing the nachos with their hands, sticky cheese on their fingers while making obnoxious munching sounds while Zetsu downed more budweizers and Hidan snored peacefully.

Inching towards the edge of his seat Pein looked over at Konan, "I...uh I think i'm gonna go sit over at their table to uh...make sure they don't get us thrown out yeah" he said before the bluehead placed a hand on his shoulder, "Oh no you don't, your gonna sit right here and eat your salad and drink your water. We can be just as exciting as they are right guys?!" she yelled to the table and Kakuzu growled and Itachi muttered a sarcastic, "Woo hoo" but they were topped as Deidara raised his hand in the air and stood on his seat, "Yeah!!! Our table fucking rules, fuck their table, fuck all the tables in this whole fucking shithole WE ARE THE BEST!!!" he screamed and everyone in the whole restaurant ceased what they were doing and stared in shock at the blonde who was quickly pulled down by Konan, "Jeus Christ, Deidara don't you think that was a little much, your gonna get us kicked out" she whispered and Deidara chuckled while blushing, "Sorry, un."

While waiting for their food, Tobi, Hidan, and Deidara decided to check out the small arcade in the corner of the restaurant, "No no your doing it wrong, it's down forward punch" Deidara screamed as Hidan jiggled around the small joystick causing the little blue ninja to move around on the screen. Hidan growled, "Shut up Deidara, I gotta concentrate!" and Deidara loomed over the screen more, "Freeze his ass hurry up, aww shit he got you with his rope spear, back back kick, back back kick!" but it was no use as on the screen Scorpion uppercutted Sub Zero causing him to sway around in a daze, "Finish Him!" a voice yelled before Scorpion took off his mask and torched his opponent much to Hidan's dismay, "Fatality" the voice continued.

Hidan gripped the joystick tightly, "Fatality, fatality? I'll show you a fucking fatality!" he screamed and punched the screen causing it to flicker in a mess of lights and buzzing Deidara fought to pull the cursing Hidan away from the broken machine, whimpering caught their ears and they turned around to see Tobi curled up inside the candy claw machine, "I got stuck" he muttered pathetically.

After prying Tobi out of the machine, the trio began walking back to their seats, only to hear horrible noises coming from a small stage, accompanied by music. Runnig over to the table they saw everyone holding their ears in anguish and noticed Zetsu missing, "Whats going on, un?" Konan growled, "Turns out this is also a karaoke bar, and Zetsu in his plastered state decided to sing."

They looked up on the stage and their eyes widened as Zetsu began to stumble around the stage in an attempt to dance, a microphone in hand, "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever doooooo...Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number BLAAAAH!!!" the black side of Zetsu screamed as he started to puke up his beer all over the stage, but somehow the white side was still able to talk, "Its ok everyone, hes just had too much to drink...BLAAAH, fuck you I didn't have too much to-BLAAAAH!"

Finally after what felt like forever the food arrived. The porkchops arrived first as Kisame and Hidan greedily dug in, not even bothering to use their forks. The buffalo burgers were next, and as the white side looked at it with glee, the black side was less then eager, "This is rare, I wanted it raw...They are not allowed to serve raw meat here, it violates the health code." The waitress raised an eyebrow as the two began to argue and placed the hot dog in front of Tobi, "Hot diggity dog! Its a Hot diggity dog!" he screamed and swiped dog from it's bun. Easing it into his mask's eyehole he began to make satisfied moaning sounds as Hidan began laughing, "Oh my God dude, that is soooo wrong!"

Pein grinned as a his pasta alfredo was placed before him but paused as a double-stacker triple-pounder bacon double-cheeseburger was placed in front of Konan. As she opened her mouth to take a bite she glanced at Kakuzu, Itachi, Deidara, and Pein's shocked expressions, "What? I think me having a salad compencates for this". Itachi and Deidara decided to order a chicken wrap platter and split it while Kakuzu 'special ordered' and got a cow heart left over from the steaks.

It was twenty minutes later that everyone was lounging lazily in their seats with contented grins, their plates licked clean except for Zetsu who decided to get some real food. Over at the men's room a man walked into a stall and sat down, then opened a newspaper and began to read. Suddenly something blocked out his light and he looked up to see Zetsu sticking out of the wall, "Hello" the plant said and grinned as he brought the flytrap down on the screaming man.

Back at the tables the waitress placed a small piece of paper in front of Pein, "Please come again" she smiled and walked away. Pein hummed to himself as he brought the paper up to his face and screamed as he read it over, "$210.90?!" Suddenly the Akatsuki leader was sideswipped off of the table as a stitched hand looked at the bill intently, "What?!" screamed Kakuzu as all the members looked over at the commotion, "Thats bullshit, we shouldn't be spending that kind of money on dinner!" Konan grabbed his collar and glared at him, "Thats not the problem you old miser! We only brought $125.00" she yelled hoping the employees couldn't hear.

Pein paced back and forth next to the booth and came to a conclusion as he pointed at Deidara, "Blonde, we need you to make a little distraction so we can sneak out of here. Send a small clay bomb into the kitchen, one just big enough to raise the smoke detector without causing damage."

Deidara grinned as his hand chomped on some clay before a small clay spider crawled out. Jumping off his hand the small bomb of clay scurried into the kitchen as everyone began to get up, "Ok everyone, just wait for the pop and the fire alarm to sound, then we-" BOOOOOOM!!!! Pein's jaw dropped as the kitchen obliterated in a sea of flames, screams of roasting employees echoing through the debris as the Akatsuki members bolted out the door, heading down the street.

As they got out of chasing distance Pein glared at Deidara, "The fuck Deidara?! I said minor pop, not huge explosion" "Hey that was a small one, un." the blonde said and chuckled before Tobi noticed something as the group walked along, "Hey...wheres Zetsu-san?"

Back in the restaurant the two toned venus-flytrap hummed to himself as he exited the bathroom, wiping blood from his face before pausing as twenty Rain Country ANBU aimed kunai at him. A charred waitress pointed at the plant, "Thats one of them, he is one of those terrorists who blew us up!" she screamed and Zetsu held his hands up in surrender, "Oh shit!...Fucking hate Applebees."