Gwen wasn't supposed to be in work today, let alone this evening. Perhaps if I had just stuck with this original plan, then none of the chaos that has gone on over the past 48 hours would have happened. If I hadn't called her in early to come with us to that meteor crash site then she wouldn't have thrown that chisel, and the cloud of alien gas wouldn't have infected poor Carys and caused the deaths of so many innocent men. There was no need for me to call her in early, we didn't really need four of us on that investigation, but I just thought it would be an exciting introduction into Torchwood. And I guess it was in a way.

I don't know why, but I Sometimes I feel like I am constantly trying to impress others. I wanted to impress Gwen with a crash landing of a meteor, I wanted to impress her because she's new and attractive and that's what I do in such a situation. But that night I took it one step too far, beyond the usual commanding manner I put on in front of new employees like I did when she first came to visit us or when Ianto joined, or Tosh or Owen… People would tell you that I act this way because I am over confident, because I love to flirt, because I love myself and like to be loved by others. But in reality, it's because it's easier to keep up this front than face up to the fact that sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing here. Not just here leading Torchwood, but why I am STILL here, why I am still alive. I've loved and lost so many people, died so many times and woken back up to face the consequences; how am I supposed to be able to understand that? How am I supposed to be able to talk to people about that? The only person I could really talk to would be the Doctor, and I've been waiting over 100 years for that conversation. So for now, it's easier to pretend that everything is just fine.

I realised whilst this whole mess Carys was going on, that Gwen really reminds me of Rose. Rose Tyler, who used to travel with the Doctor and I. It was just the way she handled things so compassionately, so humanly; it really was refreshing to see someone acting like this. At Torchwood you sometimes forget about emotions, but Gwen has that raw, sentimental streak running through her. Just like Rose did, Rose kept the Doctor in line and reminded him what it means to be human. I think that this quality in Gwen will do Torchwood some good. I'm not saying that the others are heartless, or even anywhere near it. But Owen hides behind his sarcasm and Tosh is so preoccupied with her computers that she doesn't have time to process her own feelings. And Ianto, well that man is unreadable.

There are times when Ianto lets his mask slip fractionally and I see a glimpse of worry or distraction shine through, but for the majority of the time he seems to put on this shield of manners and over-efficiency which hide the fact that there is something deeper. I wish I could understand him better, find out if there's something troubling him, but every time I am alone with him I suddenly can't find the right words to ask him. And instead I just end up flirting with him, reverting to my comfort zone.

Judging by the way he always blushes so gloriously in response, I'd hazard a guess that I put him directly out of his comfort zone. I can't make up my mind about whether it's because I'm another guy, or because I'm his boss, or just because he's shy. I overheard the others talking about me earlier, Owen reckons that I'm gay and whilst Toshiko and Gwen seemed outraged by this thought, Ianto said he didn't care. And not in a way which implied he couldn't care less, more in a way which meant suggested he liked me regardless. As it happens I'm not gay. God I hate the 21st Century and its little tidy categories for everything, you have to be gay or straight or bisexual. Why can't people just accept that the possibility that they can feel attracted to any one, of any gender, at any time – and most importantly just stop trying to label these feelings? I would be lying if I hadn't been thinking about what Mr Jones's 'sexual preference' may be… he is rather gorgeous after all and can make the finest cup of coffee in the world… and I've always had a soft spot for a Welsh accent. But I'm 99.9% certain he's 'straight'. Offices affairs are a bad idea anyway, Owen has managed to prove that enough times over.

It was rather sweet of him to offer to help earlier when Carys escaped.

"Need me to do any attacking Sir?" He asked.

But I suppose he was just being friendly, or maybe just trying to be a good employee even? I'd like to think that we were friends by now though, I certainly feel that I can place a great deal of trust in him.

Although the last 48 hours have been hell, I think that by mulling everything over I am finally managing to see the funny side to it all. We have just dealt with a sex obsessed alien gas monster. A monster who feeds off the orgasmic energy of men that it has just ravished. How ridiculous is that? Thinking about it though, if you had to die then I can think of many worse ways for it all to end, than with the orgasm to end all orgasms, after all I've experienced pretty much every other method. It's like the creature looked into my mind and formed from my thoughts the most ideal method of death… it's a pity I didn't get to try that one…

Hopefully after a goodnight's sleep, Gwen will be able to see the funnier side to things too, it's her first proper case so she's bound to be taking things to heart, but finding humour in a bad situation can sometimes help.

Well, I was greeted with a very pleasant surprise this morning! Talk about morning glory indeed… I entered the Tourist Information office this morning at about 6.30 to try and find my car keys that I thought I'd left on the desk, only to find Ianto there asleep across the desk instead.

"Ianto" I said as I lightly tapped his shoulder, trying to wake him. "Ianto" I said louder. This time he realised what was happening and woke up startled and embarrassed.

"Sorry Sir, I umm…" He stammered.

"Did you stay working her over night?" I questioned, one eye brow raised artfully.

"Yes Sir, but it was absolutely necessary, I've finished all of the clear up work from yesterday" He answered, nibbling his lip ever so slightly out of nerves (?).

"I've told you before, you should stop working so hard, and more importantly stop calling me Sir!" I began in a slightly angry tone but was laughing by the end of my sentence.

He started laughing too. "Sorry Sir, force of habit, perhaps I'll grow out of it one day" I doubt it… and I kind of hope he doesn't!

"Hopefully." I winked. "You should go home and get a few hours' sleep and shower and change" I tried to insist.

"No need Sir, I have a spare shirt and tie in my draw" He replied, of course he did, this was Ianto Jones.

"You really are prepared for everything aren't you Ianto Jones" I stated, with a wicked gleam in his eyes, that caused him to blush ever so slightly, what has he thought that I'd meant? If it's what I had meant, then he definitely should have been blushing.

"I do my best Sir" he stumbled through the reply and went to change.

"Oh and Ianto" I called after me, "Thank you for offering to help earlier" he said with a genuine smile.

"My pleasure Sir" he called back.

After retrieving my keys from office, they'd fallen off the desk and into the trash, I went back up to the hub to find Ianto making us both a coffee and yawning. Despite his 'being prepared for anything' attitude, I could tell he was shattered, I tried to insist that I should go home and have that shower and sleep for a bit. When he kept refusing I encourage him to use my shower at least, after all the rush of hot water can really help to wake you up. He eventually gave in, so I lead him down to my bedroom below the office and through to my en suite shower. If it had been anyone else but Ianto, I would have expected a thousand questions on why I had a bedroom below my office, but of course he didn't as I imagine he'd think of it as impolite. Instead he just thanked me for allowing him to use my shower.

To be honest, after 40 or so minutes, I sort of forgot that he was in there, and I don't usually invite others down into my living area and so have never had a need for a lock on my bathroom door… Of course this combination lead to the delight that was my morning. I accidentally walked in on him completely stark bollock naked in the shower. For a second I was genuinely confused, as I've mentioned already, I had really really forgotten he was in there. I felt my eyes just widened as I registered what I was looking at, the beautiful naked body of my favourite Welshman. I couldn't help grinning as he tried to shield himself, after all I'd already got a good look.

Without apologising, I turned around and left, laughing as I shouted "So that's what you've been hiding under those wonderful suits" half trying to heighten his embarrassment and half genuinely appreciating the … err... rather impressive sight I had just seen! I am going to have such fun making jokes about this for the rest of the day… I'll have to try and do it subtly though.

I could tell that he was furiously embarrassed, and probably wouldn't be able to look at or talk to me for the foreseeable future. But hey who needs words – they say a picture's worth a thousand words and I'm lucky to possess a photographic memory!