I'm so sorry to keep you guys waiting! I've just been pretty busy! But here's chapter 5, tell me what you think!

Chapter 5: I'm Not Holding Back

I'm in my old room, my old house, the one I shared with my father. The only light coming from an open window in the middle of the wall, the curtains are slightly open and you can see the brightness of the full moon shining from outside, I'm on the ground huddled against the wall, I see a human figure coming towards me, with each step they become bigger, I know in an instant it's my father. With tears streaming down my face I cry out for my mother.

"It's your fault she's gone! It's your fault!" he screamed at me.

I felt him grip my hair with so much force I was surprised my red curls were still attached to my head. He dragged me away from the wall and slammed me onto the ground. He yelled at me once more, "You worthless bitch! You ruined everything! You made your own mother hate you!" and with that I saw his giant boot swing to my stomach, I cried out in pain dreading the next blow, it took seconds for pain to rip through the left side of my head, I screamed, my skull felt like it was stabbing into my brain. My eyes began to go cloudy and the last thing I remember was his face inches in front of mine, his breath hot on my face and his rough voice, "Worthless..."

I wake up gasping for air. Tears begin streaming down my face as the last word haunts my mind.

Worthless,

Was I really worthless? Why didn't my father love me? Why did he think it was my fault my mother left? These were only a few of the questions that ran through my mind, I had searched for the answers but I had got none.

I turn my head from the ceiling to my bedside table to look at my alarm clock, 11:17, ugh, why Clary! Can't you just sleep through one night? Seriously! I mentally punch myself in the face before sitting up. I check my phone and instantly smile, 1 new message, from Jace.

Hey Clare, I know it's late but I can't sleep at all, what are you doing? -J

I can't sleep either, want to come over?-C

If you don't mind?-J

I don't mind at all, just be quiet when you get here, mum and Luke are asleep. –C

Okay, I'll be there soon :) -J

He had been to my house before and met mom and Luke. We watched a few movies and just talked about everything like we always do. Every moment I'm with Jace I feel extremely comfortable and safe. He is my best friend and I don't think I could ever get through my problems if I didn't have him.

Buzzzzz

Pulling me out of my thoughts, I picked up my phone. "Hellooo," answering the phone like I always do, "Hey red, I'm out the front." Red, his nickname for me I absolutely hated it. "Okay." I hung up and tiptoed to the front door. Unlocking the door quietly I saw a flash of gold standing outside shivering.

"Bit cold?" I whispered, smirking at him.

"Freezing!" he whispered back "Now let me in!"

"Come on then," I opened the door wide enough for him to walk through and shut it once he was inside, I started walking to my room knowing that he would follow.

When we got to my room he sat down on my study chair, letting out a sigh as he sat down. "What's up?" I asked as I sat on the edge of my bed. "You're gonna laugh at Me." he rubbed a hand through his golden locks, "I pinkie promise I won't," I held out my pinkie to him and he just smirked at me, "Really fray? I thought you were 16!" he grins at me and I giggle, "Come on Jace, I thought we could tell each other everything." I pull out my puppy dog eyes knowing ill win him over, "Oh please not the eyes!" he begs but I don't look away, "Fine," he sighs in defeat, "Okay, well, I'm kind of a bit nervous for school to start.." I stare at him in disbelief before I start cracking up, my laughter breaking up my words, "You…Jace….Lightwood … scared... about school!" I couldn't breathe, "I knew you'd laugh at me!" he threw a scrunched up piece of paper at me, "I'm sorry," I stopped laughing, "It's just your Jace, I don't see why you would be nervous?!" the conversation was serious now, "That's just it, everyone thinks I'm this confident person but sometimes I'm not," he looks up from the ground and meets my eyes, "You Know it's the first time I've been to a school with a real family, I don't have to go to sleep every night wondering if it's my last day because I'm finally in a stable home, I guess I'm just being stupid but I can't help but feel nervous, Its just everything I've wanted has finally come true and I'm scared I'm going to lose it all." He sighs and looks back to the ground, "I kind of know what you mean, I went to sleep every night not knowing if my mother was going to come home or what my father might do to-"I cut myself off realising what I was just about to say, I look to the ground feeling the water behind my eyes

Don't cry Clary, don't cry

"Not knowing what your father might do what to who?" Jace asks with a concerned voice, "Uh, um, n-nothing," trying to keep the tears back, I was about to break down again I could feel it. "Clary, you're a terrible liar, tell me please?" the tears came streaming down my face and I sunk to the floor.

I felt strong arms around me as Jace pulled me close to his chest, "Clary what's wrong?" he just holds me until I speak, "I haven't told you everything about my past," I stop crying but I don't let him go and he tightens his grip, "I-I, my father, h-he-" I couldn't find my words, "it's okay, you don't have to tell me" he rests his chin on my head and gently rubs circles on my back trying to calm me, I shake my head, "n-no, I need to,"

I lift my head and look at him, "He used to hurt me Jace, he said it was my fault my mother left him and he hit me, he kicked me, he did anything he could to hurt me. He made sure I suffered. He put me through 6 years of torture." Jace looked at me shocked, his mouth hanging open, the words just kept flowing out of my mouth; I needed to tell him everything. "Sometimes he would make me go days without food because I didn't cook his dinner right or I didn't clean the house good enough. If I came home late from school he would drag me by the hair and beat me until he didn't feel like it anymore. If I did anything he didn't like I was in for it and I couldn't do anything about it. The amount of times I've been knocked out or close to dying I have no idea, I lost count. I have no idea what he did with me after I blacked out and I don't think I want to know. I saw my mother once every month, she forgot about me" tears began streaming down my again.

"Clary, I-" I cut him off, I knew what he was going to say and I didn't want to hear it, "Jace I don't want pity, I can't handle it, I can't handle people feeling sorry for what isn't even their fault, they didn't make my father hate me, you didn't make my father hate me." he looked me in the eyes as he spoke, "Clary I don't pity you, I just feel terrible that you had to go through that for so long. No one deserves to go through that! Your father was a cruel man, a coward. I just want you to know that I care, that I never want to see you hurt." He hugs me tightly and strokes my hair, that's all I needed to know he cared. I sat between his legs as he held me, I lifted my head up and before I knew what I was doing I placed my lips to his and I kissed him.

He was shocked at first but he didn't pull back, it wasn't rough or sloppy, it was slow and passionate. I didn't want it to end, this was the moment I've been waiting for a month and 2 weeks,

Yes I had counted.

We both pulled away at the same time searching for air, he put his forehead on mine. I felt his warm breath on my face and my face tingled, I loved the feeling of him being so close.

"You have no idea how long I have been waiting to do that." Jace said as he pushed a strand of hair out of my face, "Oh I think I do," I smiled and kissed him lightly on the lips. He smiled at me as I pulled away and we just sat in each other's arms, with a comfortable silence.

Until Jace spoke, "How did you cope?" I was confused, "What do you mean?" his voice was gentle but curious; "I mean how did you go through with that for 6 years? What made you stay silent for so long?"

I didn't hold back, I wanted him to know everything.

"I couldn't tell my mother or anyone; he threatened to kill her and me." He pulled me into his chest and held me tight, I pulled down my sleeves and showed him my scars, "This is what I used to do when I lost control, I thought of ending my life so many times, but somehow I fought through it, I always regretted doing it after, I know it makes me look ugly, but when I lost control I had no idea what I was doing." Jace pulled my arm towards him gently, he looked at my scars and gently traced them with his fingers, "Clary, you are the strongest girl I know, these scars show how tough you are, there beautiful, you are beautiful." Tears began falling down my face, but they were tears of happiness.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he tightened his hold on me, "Nothing, absolutely nothing." I smiled at him and yawned. Jace stood up and gently lifted me and carried me to my bed; he lay down beside me, wrapped in each other's arms. "I haven't hurt myself since the day I met you." I whispered and remember seeing him smile before darkness clouded my eyes.

Did you like it?! Wasn't sure if I went too far with it or not, was the kiss to early? I don't know I'm trying so hard for this to be good and I really just don't know if it is or not! Thanks for reading Kd xxx

REVIEW!