Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, the characters, or the events that happen. While some of the part and "thoughts" that I use are fillers, the majority is the creative work of Takahashi Rumiko-sensei.

AN: I have to give some thanks to Alternative Angel for leaving feedback and constructive criticism, and for sticking with my story. Also thanks to anyone else following the story from behind the scenes. Thanks for giving me reason to continue this story/journal. Please don't forget to let me know what you think with a nice review! Thanks again!

IY Chapters 176-177

Okay, so my favorite adventures, no matter how bad they get are when I get to ride on Hachi. I love flying on Kirara, this is when I can fly holding Kirara and we share the experience. We got to do that against just today. It was the same day that Kagome came back from her world after the whole Kikyou issue. Can one dead woman really cause so many issues?

Of course, if some dead woman came back to life, claiming she had once carried Miroku's children... there would be some tension. I guess I could see it. Hmmm... I wonder what I would do if that happened. What would he do? Would he reassure me everything was ok or would he go back to that woman? Even though she's dead. Not that he really has anything to reassure me about... We're not together...

And sometimes that makes me want to cry. Am I really that revolting that all he can think about is having other women carry his children? What should I do? Maybe if I let the thought sit in this book, and come back to read it sometime in the future, maybe I'll be able to come up with an answer, or maybe it will already be answered. Oh do I hate waiting. But I guess that's all I can do until I can gain the strength to tell him, and not be discouraged when he rejects me.

Miroku and I had a little conversation as we were flying towards an abandoned castle, unfortunately the majority of our conversations either include Kagome-chan and InuYasha, or that deceitful bastard Naraku. Not my idea of the best conversations to have with Miroku. I can think of plenty of other things that I would prefer to talk about with him.

I can't believe I'm such a coward. How is it that I, an accomplished taijiya, cannot get past the fear of announcing my feelings to the monk? What is it about him that makes me so scared? Hell! I don't even know what it is that attracts me to him. But I'm attracted. Utterly smitten. So many ways to say it. So little words flowing from my mouth to confess it. I'm a failure.

Moving on.

Other than it being a good day for riding on Hachi, it wasn't such a good day. By the time we found the castle, InuYasha and Kagome were at least getting along civilly. But as we searched the castle grounds, not only did we find traces of Naraku's shouki, we found the remains of my chichi-ue, and the other taijiya that held our backs on the day I lost my family... the day I lost my little brother.

Do bad things choose to happen only to me?... No I can't ask that. Everyone that I travel with.. My friends. They have all experienced bad things in the past, all of us have lost people dear to us, except Kagome-chan. But maybe she has it worse than all of us. To be dragged back in time, and forced to choose between saving the past, or continuing on with her future.

But what if she chooses to stay here once our mission is over? Like Shikon no Tama, won't history repeat itself? What if the future changes because she chooses to stay. Couldn't that erase her soul forever? No.. She's part of Kikyou's soul. That will never be erased.

Just like my lust for revenge. It will never be quenched until I have saved Kohaku's soul, and defeated Naraku.

Being at that castle brought back such painful memories. Memories that made my scar throb. It only made more aware that I was the only taijiya left me my clan, my whole clan, my whole family. And an awareness that, for my father, I would need to have children, and continue on my bloodline somehow.

I guess I'm in the same boat as Miroku, now that I think about it, huh?

I guess I sat there for along time, holding chichi-ue's armor, because not long after my realization, Miroku laid a portion of his robes on the ground and began to collect the remains and armor. He said that they should not be left in such a horrible place. He wanted to help me laid them to rest in a peaceful place.

But what place can be peaceful when you were murdered by your own flesh and blood. I should be lying with them. And I would have if Naraku hadn't used my as part of his plot. I should be lying with my brother. My brother should be resting as well... if not peacefully, just resting. Where as I was spared from Naraku plots thanks to my friends, my brothers body continues to be used.

This is why I stay with my friends. Not only to protect the man I'm in love with, but to save my brothers soul, and possibly my own.

Sango