Chapter 6 – Cognitive dissonance
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cognitive dissonance: A noun meaning the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.
June 30th 2011 – Buddhist Monk Temple
The fire was everywhere.
The heat distorted my vision as I desperately tried to look around. I had the feeling that I was looking for something, but I didn't know what. I was frozen on the spot. My body wouldn't move no matter how hard I tried. I caught the faint smell of blood as I looked down and found that I was covered in it. Warm tears ran down my face and dripped off my chin. I tried to scream. No sound came out. The crackling of the flames became deafening in my ears, drowning out all other sounds. The suffocating smell of sulfur clogged my throat, making it difficult to breath. I thought I heard someone trying to call out my name. I could not answer back. The fire burned all around me. There was no way for me to escape. I was trapped in this hell pit.
The flames consumed me.
I blinked my eyes open, my body still shaking from the aftermath of the nightmare. I wiped away the tears I'd been crying in my sleep, rubbing both hands down my face. The room was still dark. The sun had yet to rise as I looked up at the round window located at the end of the room. I sat up on the small makeshift bed and pushed my short, dark hair back. It was the second time tonight that I'd woken up from a bad dream. The nightmares were becoming less frequent lately but they still cost me some much needed sleep. I gave up on going back to bed since I was just going to get up in an half an hour anyway. Carefully putting away my bed, so as to not wake the snoring red head next to me, I stiffly got up and changed into my monk attire. The plain garbs were exactly like Genkaku's, telling others of our low status here at the temple. I felt shivers of ice run through me as my bare feet walked along the cold floorboards. The temple was deathly quiet.
Walking outside, I sat down on the deck with my legs crossed, a habit I'd already picked up from meditating. I shivered again as the cold air woke my senses and cleared my drowsiness. Two weeks had passed since I first came here and I was starting to get in the habit of things. Getting up at 5 a.m. was a total bitch but I had long since stopped griping about it. It's not like I can just up and leave any time soon.
I looked out onto the temple grounds and watched as a small gray rabbit hopped timidly through the grass. The only part of the rabbit I could make out from the dim pre-morning light was its snowy white tail. The timid rabbit was still a youngling judging by its size. It would stop every so often and freeze completely before hopping once again and nibbling on some clovers. The rabbit was so innocent and pure in those simple moments. The bunny's life had just begun as the youngling tried to fill its belly. This rabbit had to struggle to survive each day. It always had to remain vigilant lest it drop its guard and risk being eaten by a predator. The cards were already not in its favor, as the rabbits only means of defense was to run and hide from the dozens of animals wanting to eat it. Though the chances of survival were slim, they were still there. It still had the fortitude to live.
My straining eyes suddenly caught a small dark figure dart out after the rabbit. The action caught the young rabbit off guard as it was ambushed and thrown to the ground. The rabbit meekly struggled in the predators grasp, screaming out an unholy shriek that sent chills up my spine. The rabbit then became still as the predator quickly darted away with its prize tucked safely in its mouth. The creature's life had ended in less than a moment. If I had not been out here no one would have known about its untimely demise. No one would have known how pure the rabbit looked in its final moments or how terrifying its last scream was.
"Such is life and death Jason-san,"
I looked to the left of me to find one of the older monks standing beside me. He had lived here in the temple for two years and was one of the few monks that tolerated my presence. He was bald and robust in his tanned build. The man always had an impassive face no matter what he did. It was impossible for me to tell what he was thinking. I liked him though.
"What do you mean Daichi-sama?" I looked up at the elder with fledgling eyes.
The monk continued to look out into the field with an unreadable gaze before looking back down at me.
"May I join you?" Daichi asked with a deep resonating voice.
"Yeah," I scooted over and allowed the monk to take his seat next to me. We sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, enjoying the still air of the morning. Everything on the field grounds was crisp and new as the sky started to turn pink over the horizon. I loved the smell of morning air, it was revitalizing. It reminded me of home.
"Death is the key that unlocks the mystery of life. Both are ends of the same spectrum and cannot exist without the other. It is by understanding death that we understand life, for death is part of the process of life in the larger sense. Henceforth, by understanding the purpose of death we also understand the purpose of life," Daichi spoke in a methodical way.
"Then what is the purpose of life Daichi-sama?" Buddhists philosophies were still greatly confusing to me. For me, it was like they were speaking in complicated riddles and enigmas. And yet the monks spoke like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Daichi took a moment to contemplate my question before answering.
"You must find that answer on your own Jason-san," I knew he was going to say that.
"Then what about that rabbit Daichi-sama? What was the purpose of his life? The tiny thing had such a short life and nothing really to show for it. It just became another meal." I looked out into the distance just as the light peaked over the hills.
"Mmmm" Daichi closed his eyes and hummed in thought, a sign he was in deep concentration about the question.
'DONG!'
I was broke out of my thoughts from the sound of the morning bell. The bell rang every morning to signal the start of a new day and get our asses out of bed. The light began to cover the temple in orange rivulets as the sun rose over the hilltops. I could see the spilled blood of the young rabbit from where it had been killed. The red liquid looked so unholy against the fresh green grass.
"I will have to answer your question another time Jason-san. It is time for the morning meditation session," Daichi stood up in one swift motion and turned to me. I bowed to the elder in respect as he did the same to me before we both took our leave towards the main temple. Walking into the large room I could see that almost everyone was here. A few were probably still making their way down here from their rooms. The morning meditation was mandatory for all monks of the temple. The monks all sat cross-legged on the floor in single file lines as everyone sat in silence and mediated for 2 hours. There was absolutely no talking whatsoever during mediation. The one and only time I tried to ask Genkaku something I was immediately taken outside and mercilessly beaten with a cane. I know better now.
As soon as everyone was seated, the room became silent and the meditation began. I didn't exactly mediate during these things. I mostly just sat and day-dreamed about stuff. I didn't believe in Buddha at any rate so I had no intention of 'reaching my inner enlightenment' as the monks called it. Besides there was no way I could reach inner peace while living a monk lifestyle. If inner peace meant I had to swear of sex and everything that was fun in life, just buy me a first class ticket to hell right now cause that's never gonna happen. How can I find inner peace when a monk's life sucks ass? They can't do anything! Well besides meditate and spout confusing philosophies that don't make sense half the time. Life here certainly wasn't fun but I knew to keep my opinions to myself. Shit, if the elders knew I was thinking about this stuff instead of meditating I'd get my backside whipped. Badly.
I had to be careful though. There have been plenty of times where I've fallen asleep during these things. If I got caught sleeping I wasn't whipped (thankfully) but I did have to receive a long lecture from one of the elders and miss out on breakfast for the day. Whenever I felt myself nodding off, I would try to clench my fists and use my nails to pinch the skin and keep me focused without making any noise. Thankfully there weren't any mishaps for me today. When our two hours were up we were allowed out of the room to have our breakfast. I spotted Genkaku a few seats down from me but he left the room before I could catch up to him. We usually ate breakfast together but there would be times where we would eat alone. I didn't mind as long as I got something to eat. There was nothing worse than having to do all of your chores for the day on an empty stomach.
I walked into the eating hall and grabbed one of the small bowls with a pair of chopsticks. I waited in line as everyone shuffled through to the rice filled pot. I scooped some of the warm meal into my bowl and walked out of the dining hallway. I didn't like eating in front of the other monks. They always gawked and whispered at the way I used my chopsticks. Which wasn't very well by the way. I was slowly getting better at using chopsticks but it was still a struggle to use the damn things as eating utensils. I had only gotten one warning about using my hands to eat rice with. I was told that if I was caught doing that again I would no longer be permitted to eat rice. I didn't want to lose my rice-eating privileges so I shut up and dealt with it. Or as the monks put it: I meditated.
I sat cross-legged on the floorboards overlooking the garden and blew some air on my hot rice. Carefully, I picked up a pinch of rice with my chopsticks before dropping it just when I got it near my mouth. I groaned and begrudgingly tried again when I felt an ominous shadow loom over me. It felt like a threatening presence.
Like a bad moon rising…
"Mind if I sit with you?" A familiar voice asked. I turned around and looked up at my quiet roommate. Genkaku was holding a steaming bowl of rice with a few vegetables on top of it. His cloudy gray eyes looked at me expectantly.
"Yeah go ahead," I motioned for him to sit down as he took his place next to me. I continued to struggle with my rice while Genkaku ate his with no problem. Genkaku was already halfway done with his bowl of rice while I had only gotten maybe two full bites. We ate in relative silence like we usually did. Genkaku wasn't much of a talker and I never had anything good to say.
"What were you and Daichi-sama talking about this morning?" Genkaku's sudden question caught me off guard as my chopsticks slipped in my fingers, causing me to fumble my rice.
Was he watching us?
"Nothing really. Just your standard Buddha stuff," I watched Genkaku from the corner of my eye. His voice was quiet and his face was impassive but he seemed agitated. Like something was bothering him. His shoulders were stiff as he sat rigidly beside me. The hell is this about?
"Why do you ask?" I turned to give him a questioning glance. Genkaku didn't seem like the type of person to get upset over anything so I was definitely curious as to what got his pants in a bunch.
Genkaku still had that blank look on his face as he finished up the last of his rice and placed the two sticks inside the bowl. He stared down into his empty bowl for what felt like an eternity. I couldn't tell if he was in deep thought or glaring at the vacant dish. It was really starting to unnerve me.
"Genkaku?" I asked nervously.
His head snapped up as he looked at me with wide eyes.
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" His ominous aroua was suddenly gone and replaced with his normal attitude. I looked at him, confused by the sudden mood swing.
That was weird. It was like his mind was in a totally different place for a second.
"Nothing really. Just talking about the weather," I gave a faint smile and picked at my rice some more.
I listened to the birds chirp as silence fell over us again.
"Did you have another dream?"
I stopped chewing my rice for a second.
"Yeah," I brought the bowl up to my mouth and shoveled the rest of the rice down my gullet.
"Was it the one about your parents?" Genkaku fidgeted with one of his chopsticks.
I had already told Genkaku about some of the nightmares I had been having. I felt like it was better to talk about them instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. Daichi said it would cause me an early death to bottle up my emotions like that.
"No, this one was about the burning house. I woke up a little while before the gong this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep," I stared at the tiny birds flocking around the koi pond in the garden. I spotted a few chickadees.
"Has the meditation helped at all? Master says that it should help relieve you of your reoccurring nightmares,"Genkaku spoke softly as he looked at me with worried eyes. The meditation didn't do shit but I didn't want to tell Gankaku that and worry him any further.
"Yeah it helps a little. The nightmares have been becoming less frequent lately but I think that's just from time passing. I'm sure eventually the nightmares will stop plaguing my dreams, it's just a matter of time," I finished up the last of my rice and set the bowl on the floor. It looked like it was going to be a sunny day today.
Ugh...the sun. I glared up at the round ball of fire. I didn't like the sun, it was too hot.
I knew that we'd have to go read from the scriptures here in a little bit. Well rather, Genkaku read and I listened. Mom taught me how to speak the language but (unfortunately for me) she never thought I'd ever have to learn to read it. I suppose it didn't help that I flat out refused to learn about those crazy Japanese letters. Kind of wish I could go back and tell the younger me to suck it up and learn to read the damn language. I knew in the back of my head that my inability to read Japanese would come back to bite me in the ass someday.
"We should get going. It's almost time for scripture reading," Genkaku stood up and started to walk back to the eating hall with me not far behind him.
Scripture readings were right after breakfast and went on until 11 a.m. The readings consisted of teachings about the Sutras which were discourses attributed to the Buddha or one of his close disciples. Genkaku read them aloud for me as I sat in front of him and listened intently. During these sessions it was vital for me to pay attention. After scripture readings the younger monks had to attend classes and learn more about Buddhist holy writings. The teacher's did not tolerate any kind of slacking in the classroom so I did my best to pay attention and learn from the scriptures. While I usually struggled to keep up with everyone else in the class, Genkaku outshined the entire classroom. He knew the right answer to every question and he was always able to recite the scriptures by heart. He was one of the most dedicated monks in the temple. I was glad to have him as my sempai since he was always eager to help me when I got stuck on a problem. Class went on for another two hours before we were let out to have lunch.
There wasn't a variety of things to eat here at the temple. It was basically rice or vegetables. I had been eating just that for the past week and I was already getting sick of it. I missed my greasy American food. I was dying to bite into a cheesy slice of pizza or a grilled steak covered in hot sauce. That was another thing I missed: meat. We weren't allowed to eat any kind of meat here, it was absolutely forbidden. My mouth watered at the thought of a cheeseburgers, pork chops, fried chicken, venison, crispy bacon with cheese…
"Ahh!"
I pulled my hair and threw my head back in frustration. I had to stop thinking about my old life; all it did was bum me out. Whether I liked it or not, my life back in the states was going to have to wait. I wasn't 18 yet so I still risked being put in an orphanage. But I was going to go back home someday, that was certain. I missed Portland greatly and couldn't wait to see it again. Until then I just needed to wait and bide my time. Life in the temple wasn't that bad anyway. Each day consisted of a strict schedule of prayer and readings followed by daily chores. After all of that was said and done we were pretty much left to our own devices. You could leave if you wanted but you had to be back before nightfall lest you be locked out of the temple for the night.
I was sitting on one of benches under the shade of the trees when I saw Genkaku come walking up to me with two rice bowls.
"You didn't have to get me a bowl, I was just waiting out here until the lines died down," Genkaku merely gave me a sympathetic nod as he handed me the bowl and sat down on the bench beside me.
"I do not mind Jason-san. You are my apprentice after all, it's only right that I look out for you," Genkaku spoke while looking out at the forest beyond the temple walls. I was glad to have someone like Genkaku here with me. Like me, he was also orphaned and had no one to turn to. I admired him for standing on his own and being independent. That must have been hard to do with no one there to walk beside you in case you fall. Well…I'm here now.
"Sempai?" I turned to my companion while he was in the midst of chewing his rice.
He looked up with slight interest.
"In Buddhism, when an animal dies, are they reborn as well?" My thoughts went back to the rabbit this morning.
"Animals are sentient beings and as such are capable of the same sufferings as we humans. Since animals possess Buddha nature they have the potential to become enlightened. The doctrine of rebirth states that any human could be reborn as an animal, and any animal could be reborn as a human. The Buddha expounded that sentient beings currently living in the animal realm have been our mothers, brothers, sisters, fathers, children, and friends in past rebirths," Genkaku spoke with a calm softness as he stared ahead. A human reborn as an animal huh?
"Hey if you could pick what kind of animal you'd be reborn as, what would you pick?" I asked with child-like enthusiasm. Genkaku looked taken back at my childish question as he sat up straight and thought for a moment.
"Well being reborn as an animal does not lead to the path of Buddha so…"
"No I mean forget the Buddha crap for a second and just have fun with it. Don't you think it'd be cool to be reincarnated as a tiger or a wolf? Come on, what would you wanna be?"
Genkaku looked like I had just pissed on the statue of Buddha with how far his jaw dropped.
"You shouldn't speak like that Jason-san! Buddha is not crap and you should never utter those words again! What if an elder had heard you? As your sempai, I forbid you from saying that ever again. Is that clear?" Genkaku glared at me with heated conviction.
I had to hold back a laugh with how serious Genkaku was trying to be. If the last part of his sentence was supposed to be intimidating, it didn't work. I shoveled down some more rice to keep from giggling at his flustered face. Genkakau was only a year older than me but he still tried to act like my elder, much to my own amusement.
There is just something about angry red-heads that tickles my funny-bone.
"Ok I won't say that again. But you still haven't answered my question,"
He glared at my aloof dismissal and looked straight ahead once again.
"I would not want to be reborn as an animal so there's no point in answering the question,"
"Technically you just answered it," I said with a smart-ass grin.
I had to suppress another laugh at his ever growing annoyance.
"I'd want to be reborn as a cat," I said with a cheeky smile. Genkaku looked fairly surprised at my answer.
"A domestic house cat to be specific. You'd get to do whatever you want and get loved and pampered whenever you wanted it. I would sleep all day in my favorite spot and prowl for unsuspecting game during the night. No rules or responsibilities, I'd be my own cat. Now that sounds like heaven to me," I closed my eyes and imagined myself as a lazy tabby lounging on a sofa without a care in the world.
Genkaku stared at me like I'd gone insane before slamming his bowl on the bench and standing in front of me.
"But to be reborn as a cat is not enlightenment! You cannot reach the state of Buddha if you your desire is to be reborn as an animal! Do you not understand that? You should want to reach Nirvana! Not the life of a house cat! You will never attain happiness if you allow your thoughts to be corrupted like this Jason-san!" Genkaku stared me down as I sat on the bench with my mouth agape.
To say I was shocked by would have been quite the understatement. I'd never so much as heard Genkaku raise his voice and here he was practically screaming at me. The boy was lucky no one was around to witness his little outburst or he'd get a pretty good talking to.
When Genkaku finally came down from his anger filled high he looked around as if confused. He looked back at me with sorrow in his eyes as he quickly tried to apologize for his outburst.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice to you Jason-san. That was completely out of line," Genkaku bowed in respect and quickly walked back to the temple buildings. I stared at his retreating form with confusion and shock evident on my face. What is with that guy today? First the eerie morning presence and now this? If I didn't know any better I'd say he was PMS-ing or something. I looked back at his empty rice bowl with an annoyed groan.
"Great, leave me with your dirty dishes,"
XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX
Genkaku's P.O.V.
Waking up that morning I knew Jason had already gotten up. The nightmares still plagued him even after two weeks of living here. I wanted to help him in any way I could but master told me Jason had to fight his demons on his own. Rubbing my sleepy eyes I slowly got up and put the makeshift bed back in the closet. I already knew where Jason was as I walked down the cold hallway to find him. Jason usually sat in the same spot after having a nightmare. While I usually left him alone, I still liked to be nearby him just in case. I had grown rather found of having him around. It was nice for someone to show me kindness instead of the indifferent attitude I always received from my fellow monks.
I liked having Jason as my apprentice here at the temple. I'd been alone for so long I'd almost forgotten what is was like to have a companionship with someone. I'm sure he was also glad to have me as his sempai. Unlike most of the other monks here I was patient with Jason and did my best to keep him in the right path to Buddha.
I walked along the deserted hallway down to where Jason usually sat after having a nightmare. I was just approaching the end of the hallway when I heard Jason talking with someone. Curious, I looked through the blinds of the sliding door and saw that one of the elder monks was sitting with Jason. The two were looking out onto the field and quietly discussing something. I recognized the elder's voice as Daichi-sama's. I knew that monk had grown fond of Jason over the past two weeks. I hadn't realized my hands were shaking as I watched the two converse. I was the only one Jason spoke to after having a bad dream. I was the one he confided in; not this elder.
Jason was my apprentice. He shouldn't be talking with this monk when he knows I'm here.
The little shit...
I gasped and took a step back from the blinds. I had lost track of time while standing here, I could already hear the morning bell going off. I felt like I had just woken from a daze. My hands were still shaking as I watched Jason bow to the older monk and head off towards the main temple for mediation. I had no idea what just came over me. As soon as I saw Jason speaking with the older monk by mind became hazy and dark. I felt my skin heat up from the thought of Jason going to someone else other than me. The very notion caused me to tighten my fists in anger.
No! I mustn't think that way. Those kinds of thoughts are the pathway to damnation.
Walking into the mediation temple I took my seat in the back and quickly sat down. I spotted Jason two rows ahead of me. Normally we'd sit next to each other but I felt as though that wouldn't be a good idea today. I was still reeling from the anger I felt earlier. Sitting in the lotus position I closed my eyes and delved into my mind to rid myself of impure thoughts. I was having trouble though. My mind was brimming with profane feelings.
Possessiveness
Jealousy
Anger
Hatred
Desire
I blinked open my eyes when the meditation session was over. I quickly exited the room before Jason could come up to me. I didn't want him to know of the thoughts I'd been having today. I was a dedicated monk; I should not be behaving this way. Especially towards my own apprentice.
Grabbing a rice bowl from the eating hall, I decided to eat breakfast by myself this morning. But then my thoughts went back to Jason and that elder. What if he decides to eat breakfast with him this morning? I stopped dead in my tracks and bristly walked over to the spot Jason normally ate his breakfast. Sure enough, the dark auburn-haired boy was sitting there and struggling with his chopsticks. I watched him for a moment. Admiring the way he tried so hard to adapt to our customs. Jason was like a nice cup of tea I'd happen to stumble across. I had lost count on how many times I thanked Buddha for sending Jason to me. He was a godsend. My own little slice of peace.
All mine.
I didn't have any friends here at the temple. No one could understand where I came from, the pain I'd endured. But Jason did. We understood each other and confided in each other's pain and understanding. Jason always listened to what I had to say and I was always there to lend him a heeding ear. I knew from the moment I brought him back to the temple that we were going to be good friends.
Then why was he talking to someone else this morning?
I felt that wave of bitterness wash over me again as I approached Jason. My shadow loomed over him as I let my presence be known. The boy looked back with an almost frightened expression in his big dark eyes.
"Mind if I sit with you?"
His expression relaxed at seeing my familiar face.
"Yeah go ahead,"
I sat down next to him as we silently ate our breakfast. I noticed Jason struggling with his rice out of the corner of my eye. If I hadn't still been so agitated I probably would have laughed at his struggle. That nagging sensation would not leave me be though. I couldn't control the words that suddenly poured from my mouth.
"What were you and Daichi-sama talking about this morning?" I spoke with my usual quietness but I still felt rigid.
Jason looked surprised at my sudden question before answering.
"Nothing really. Just your standard Buddha stuff," Jason said nonchalantly.
I didn't like that answer. Whenever Jason had a question concerning Buddha he always came to me. It didn't make sense why he would go to someone else other than me. I was his sempai, not Daichi. He should have come to me if he wanted to talk. My body felt like it was going numb. Like I was detaching from myself both mentally and physically. Everything suddenly became a dark haze as I thought about that old monk with Jason.
What the hell does that old fuck know anyway?
"Genkaku-sempai?"
I was snapped out of my haze by that timid voice. I was a little confused on how I got here. I remember sitting down with Jason to eat our breakfast and…
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" I hope I haven't been ignoring Jason this whole time.
Jason smiled faintly and just said he was commenting on the weather.
I could tell he hadn't got much sleep last night. I hated to see him like this. I also hated that I couldn't help him with his nightmares. I asked if he had dreamt about his parents again. The first few nights Jason slept here he kept having the same dream of his bloody parents in the garden. He told me out of all of them that one was the worst of his dreams. He said it was like reliving that horrible moment over and over again in his mind.
Instead Jason told me he dreamt of the house burning down again. Not as bad as his other dreams, but I knew that one was still hard for him to wake up from. He told me the meditation has helped him a little. I was glad to hear that, I knew that finding his inner peace would help ease his body's sufferings. Meditation was the best way to heal your body's mind.
"We should get going. It's almost time for scripture reading," I walked back towards the dining hall with Jason right behind me.
During class and the scripture readings I found that my mood had eased greatly since this morning. Reading from the scriptures and answering questions in class helped take my mind off of the whirlwind of emotions I felt during this morning's meditation. After class I went straight to the dining hall to grab two bowls for Jason and me. The lines always took much longer for lunch so I knew Jason was already waiting outside. Walking out onto the temple grounds I found my apprentice sitting on one of the benches in the shade of the trees. I'd begun to notice that Jason greatly disliked being out in the sun. Honestly, I'm surprised he's not as pale as me.
Jason thanked me for the bowl, saying I didn't have to go through the trouble for him. Jason had a penchant for refusing help from others, I simply nodded in understanding. I took my spot beside Jason as we ate our lunch. I was admiring the temple gardens when I heard Jason suddenly speak up. I turned to my friend with slight interest as to what he wanted.
"In Buddhism, when an animal dies, are they reborn as well?"
I smiled internally at Jason's eagerness to ask me his question. I knew the right answer as I always did in class. I liked being able to show off my knowledge to my apprentice, it made me feel special. I was still curious at the arbitrary question though. I felt like there was more intent behind it then he led me to believe. Jason considered my answer thoughtfully before bouncing in his seat and turning to me with a wide smile.
"Hey if you could pick what kind of animal you'd be reborn as, what would you pick?"
That's an odd thing to ask. Especially when the answer is obvious.
I was just about to explain the unmistakable reason to the question when Jason interrupted me.
"No I mean forget the Buddha crap for a second and just have fun with it. Don't you think it'd be cool to be reincarnated as a tiger or a wolf? Come on, what would you wanna be?"
...
I blinked my eyes as my mouth fell open in shock. I could not believe what Jason had just said. Referring to the almighty Buddha as crap. What shocked me more was how easily he said the blasphemous words, as if it was nothing at all. Jason seemed confused at my shocked expression which flabbergasted me even more. Does he not understand the severity of what he just said! I quickly reprehended Jason for speaking those words. No apprentice of mine was going to stray from the path of Buddha. I gave him one last glare at his aloof attitude of the situation before listening to his next grinning statement.
"I'd want to be reborn as a cat,"
What?
I listened with shocking revelation as Jason told me about wanting to be reincarnated as a domestic house cat. I couldn't believe my ears. Jason wanted to come back as an animal? He wanted to give into his sufferings and remain in the cycle of life and death instead of finding inner peace? Is he insane! I will not allow him to carelessly throw his life away. I did not save his life just so he could go down the path of damnation. Jason was my friend and it was my job to look out for him. These damnable thoughts of his were unacceptable!
I had never been so angry in all my life. I felt my blood come to a boil as I slammed my bowl on the bench and vented my anger towards him. I was in such a fury I hadn't realized the scene I made on temple grounds. When I finally came back to myself I was shocked at my outburst. I quickly apologized to my friend and ran back to the temple buildings. I was completely shamed of myself for yelling at Jason. He probably thinks I hate him now.
I went to the other side of the temple where the koi pond was located. I sat in my favored spot and began to meditate. I needed to clear my head of all thoughts and regain inner peace. After a few minutes I felt my body relax and the tension dissipate. I slowly sorted through the thoughts in my mind, trying to find tranquility and insight. What could be the cause of all this tension in my mind? I never usually behaved in such a manner as I did with Jason. I delved deeper into my mind to find answer.
The little shit...
What the hell does that old fuck know anyway?
Jason was my apprentice.
All mine.
My eyes quickly snapped opened.
"Those are not my thoughts," I said aloud to myself. I don't remember thinking those words. They cannot be mine; I would never think such impure things. Jason was my apprentice, not some possession that I owned. I had no right to treat him in that manner. I looked back towards the building when I heard the afternoon bell go off. It was time for study sessions inside the classroom followed by our afternoon chores. Jason and I always completed our chores together as all apprentices did with their sempai's.
Maybe I can make up my behavior to Jason by taking care of the harder chores for him.
I brushed the dirt of my monk robes and walked back to the classrooms. I straitened my back and did my best to keep my mind pure and unblemished from the thoughts of the world's sufferings. I was one of the most dedicated monks here and I was going to prove it.
Specifically to my young apprentice.
Whew! This is the longest chapter I've written so far. I hope you all liked it.
I wanted to give some insight into Genkaku's thoughts. I imagined Genkaku having slight psychotic tendencies even before his breakdown. Just little things here and there that slowly progressed over time until his sanity finally cracked.
Thanks for reading!
Until next time
mcpidy