Thought: I wanna talk about me a little bit. I was in wal-mart with some friends the other day and I was walking around singing Aretha. For the past…three or so years I've decided that I honestly do not give a fuck what anyone else thinks about me. If I feel like singing Aretha, goddamn it, I'm gonna sing Aretha. My friends were embarrassed to be seen with me. At least I'm cute. Ahem.

So, I've decided to be funny today. So, with that, here we go. OH. I've realized that my original Italian translator failed me. 'Rule' is not Governare. I should have known, I should have asked my grandma sooner. I might go back and change them all, but starting now, I'm fixing it.

james's pov

la regola sei
non pisciare nella doccia

Living in a house with five other people is not easy. Sure, we had space, and our own time, but still, the one bathroom thing wasn't sitting well with me anymore.

I grew up alone. I grew up with no siblings, just my parents, in a large house. I had my own bathroom, and I had 5 other bathrooms available throughout the entire house. The bathroom was my favorite place in the house because it was the one place where I was alone, and in private, and getting clean, and beautifying. It was the one place where I could look in the mirror one minute, and with the simple spray of my Cuda so conveniently RIGHT THERE be more beautiful.

I found the more Cuda I used, the more beautiful I was. Just saying.

To say the transition was difficult would be an understatement. Sure, I still used a lot of Cuda. That would never change. But the constant people banging on the door while I was having my me time in the bathroom was so aggravating. Katie had to brush her teeth, Kendall had to pee, Carlos ate too many chili dogs, Logan was gonna puke, and Mama Knight needed her makeup bag.

Like, Goddamn, these people were so needy. "Just a minute," I'd say, but they'd still knock on the door. I'm like. Freeze, okay. This is my time. I don't bother any of them when they're in their zones, and I'd appreciate it if they didn't bother me in my zone.

Carlos had video games; that was his thing. I was the only one who enjoyed playing with him, just because I wasn't nearly as much of a sore loser as Kendall, and Logan found it was a waste of so much free time, so he'd only play once in a rare moon.

Logan had books; that was his thing. None of us enjoyed reading or studying like he did. He was like a friggin sponge, like he liked learning and stuff. He liked knowing things, and we liked having him around because he knew everything that we didn't, and that was a lot.

Kendall had pranks. Like, he was so good at them, and he enjoyed it. He'd get us all the time, you know? He won the crown every year because he was the King. It was his niche, and we could never get him back. Logan's always backfired, Carlos was easily outwitted, and I, being the closest to ever beat Kendall, was always a step behind, somehow.

Then, me. James. I have the looks. I'm the face. I'm beautiful, more beautiful than any of my friends. I'm too ridiculously good looking to even compare to them in this particular field, yet, they always barged in. I don't just wake up being as beautiful as I am when I take the time to do my hair right. My lucky comb never fails me. Neither does my Cuda. I just need time to prepare and fix. They just don't understand.

So, there I was, locked in the bathroom, trying to make my hair perfect, applying Cuda's and gels alike; getting maximum volume, and strength. I ended up with a bit too much volume, and had to rinse, lather, repeat and start all over again. I had just finished blow drying where there was a knock on the door.

"James?" it was Carlos. "I have to pee."

"Just a minute," I said. As usual, I took longer than a minute.

I could hear voices outside of the door, and it was slightly distracting. I tried my hardest not to lose concentration as I applied my Cuda frizz preventer.

"Who's in the bathroom.?"

"James is. I'm peeing before you."

"I'm gonna pee my pants!"

"But I was waiting first!"

"Please Carlos! It's an emergency!"

Another knock on the door. "James? Please let me in. It'll only be a minute…" Kendall.

When I couldn't take anymore of the Jeopardy knocking, I opened the door, both of them pushing past me. Kendall beat Carlos to the toilet, and Carlos looked at him devastatingly. I, however, was not amused.

Carlos then decided it was okay to pee into the tub.

Kendall was laughing, and I wanted so badly to push him in. Instead, I waited for them to finish, except, Logan joined the party before that even happened.

"…can I ask just what in the world is going on in here?" he asked.

"Well, James was taking too long," said Carlos, pulling up his pants. Kendall was still at it. "And Kendall and I had to pee real bad. So we did."

"…did you just pee in the tub?" Logan asked, incredulously.

Carlos nodded with a cheerful, "Mhm." and Kendall put his pants back on, flushing the toilet.

Logan, however, glared. "Do not pee in the shower!" he screeched. "That's so gross! We shower in there!"

"So? The water washes it away. It's like a toilet."

"No! It's not! Not in any way shape or form is a tub like a toilet. We stand in it, Carlos!"

Carlos rolled his eyes, and flipped the shower on, rinsing his pee down the drain. "See? All gone. I pee in the shower every time I take one."

Logan looked nauseas. "I stand in that shower too! That's disgusting, Carlos! It's a disgusting thing, to pee in the shower!"

"If you're so bent, then clean it," Carlos said.

Ooh. I looked to Logan, who was clearly fuming. I'd changed my mind, and found much amusement in this after all. Logan was little and sweet, but he was a stubborn prick if he needed to be, and he was extremely bossy. Kendall was the leader, but Logan had him wrapped around his finger.

"No," Logan said firmly. "You clean it. You're going to sit in this bathroom and scrub that tub clean, or else I'm never making you chocolate pie again."

"But you promised you'd make it tonight!"

"Maybe I will, if the tub reaches my standards."

I couldn't hold back my laughter anymore, and Kendall couldn't either. Logan was clearly too pissed off to talk; he had this thing with germs and other people's body fluids. Go figure.

Carlos looked heartbroken. He seemed to have really regretted peeing in the tub the entire time we were in the bathroom. Kendall and Logan had long gone, leaving just the two of us, me, facing the mirror, and Carlos, halfway in the tub with Clorox and gloves, mumbling, "I hate my life. Stupid Logan. I hate my life. Stupid Logan," over and over.

I did my best to block him out and focus on myself. It wasn't too hard, considering how good looking I am.

After my hair was perfect, and my skin was great, Carlos had cracked his back upon finishing cleaning the tub. "Do you think it'll pass Loge's standards?"

My eyes skimmed the tub quickly and I said with a shrug, "I dunno. His standards are different every day."

Carlos sighed. "I just had to pee real bad, and if I don't get pie because you didn't let me in sooner, I swear to God Himself, James, I'll murder you."

I laughed. "It'll be okay. You know Logie. He has a thing for making pie."

"But I want chocolate pie! What if he makes peach or cranberry? Ugh. I might puke."

"Cranberry?"

"He could make a pie flavor so ridiculous that I'll hate pie forever!"

I rolled my eyes. "LOGAN!"

"Don't call him in here yet! I'm not ready for this!"

Logan didn't even smirk upon seeing Carlos's worried expression and he leaned towards the tub to inspect. "It's better," he said, before turning to leave.

"Wait! Are you making chocolate pie?"

Logan stopped, turned back around, and sighed. "What have we learned today, Carlos?"

Carlos's gaze fell to his toes. "Do not pee in the shower."

Logan looked at him. "Good. I'll make the damn pie."

Note: So, I thought that was amusing. I hope you did, too. Who thought it was going to be wal-mart related? haha. Now I have to pee. But that's because I drink a lot of coffee. anyway, thanks for reading. (: