A Wizard of Oz Parody
Chapter 6: Storming the Fortress
The Eds, Dorothy, Carrie, May, and Dracula are…
"Hey, why Dracula's name last? Dracula wants to be first!!!!"
Fine!!! Dracula, Dorothy, Carrie, May, and the Eds are leaving the Emerald City and going to the Castle of the wicked, um, witch, Bob Pantsoffsky.
"Bye, bye, Emerald City!!!" Carrie says, waving back at the majestic city carved from the valuable gem for which it was named.
"Dracula says we call a limo! Dracula's been walking since Chapter 2!"
"I seriously doubt there's a bus stop or taxi in Oz, Dracula, so we don't have a choice." Double D says.
"Walking is so tiring!" Dorothy pretends to be exhausted and falls over on Double D's shoulder and Double D frowns. Eddy looks on and makes fake gagging noises.
"I say we use that money to buy jawbreakers!" Eddy remarks, his hands crammed in his pockets.
"But Eddy, if we don't get this stuff for Plank, we'll be stuck in Oz forever, and plus, there aren't any jawbreakers in Oz."
"So," Eddy pulls a thread out of his pocket, a box of three melted crayons from Ed's coat pocket, a glue bottle filled with gravy from Carrie's pocket, and Dorothy's hat. He then draws a picture of Plank wearing a Santa hat drinking eggnog. "We'll give this junk to him and tell him it's pantyhose, the photo, wood varnish, crayons, and fishing line." Dorothy jabs Eddy in the face with her broom.
"Give me my hat!" She places her hat back on her head. May stares at the rest of the junk Eddy gathered and Eddy spits out a few broken teeth.
"Eddy, this stuff can hardly be counted as anything off Plank's list! This isn't even a full box of crayons and this bottle is filled with gravy, which is nowhere near wood varnish!"
"Fine, we'll get the stupid stuff!!! I better get paid for this…" Eddy rubs the side of his face where Dorothy jabbed him in pain.
Carrie looks around at the surroundings. Instead of giant, leafy trees like on the yellow brick road, the trees along this trail are completely bare with nothing but an occasional raven perched on one of the branches. Every crow they pass seems to be staring at the group eerily. After a short walk through the dark, almost completely dead woods, they come to a large Scottish-style castle precariously perched on top of a mountain; the citadel seems like it would fall to the ground below if even a feather landed on one of its huge stone walls. A sign is nailed to a tree reading "ALL VISITORS MUST PULL PANTS OFF WHEN ENTERING AREA, OR ELSE!!!!!!" Below the sign is a skeleton wearing pants. Double D trembles with fear at this sight until Dorothy makes a closer examination of the bones.
"Hey, this thing isn't even real! It's made out of that stuff, um, what is it again, Double D?" Double D looks at it closer.
"Plastic. It's just a cheap, plastic Halloween skeleton!"
"Dracula don't care if it's made of Wolf Man's puke! Dracula just wants to get the stuff for Woody so Dracula can go home and watch Sanford and Son!"
The group suddenly hears a familiar, annoying, loud voice coming from up the trail. Standing in front of a huge doorway is Bob Pantsoffsky pointing his finger at a small chicken in some sort of weird armor and holding a spear.
"What do you mean, 'I don't get paid extra'?"
"ALL YOU'RE DOING IS GUARDING THE DOOR, YOU DUMB DUCK!!!!!!! Before you were just guarding the latrines and now, you're guarding the front door. THINK OF IT AS A PROMOTION WITHOUT ANY EXTRA PAY!!!!!!!" Bob buttwalks into the huge doors.
"This'll be easy!" Dorothy says, grinning evilly. "All we have to do is stay quiet and…."
"CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!" Ed and Carrie jump out of their hiding place and run full speed towards Chicken.
"Oh, cra-!!!" Before Chicken can finish, he's being squeezed to death by Ed.
"So much for staying quiet…." May mumbles. The rest of the group follows after their two friends.
"LET GO OF ME'S!!!!" Chicken squirms out of Carrie's arms. "THAT'S IT!!!!! I QUIT!!!!!!" Chicken pulls his armor off, throws his spear on the ground, and storms off into the woods. "Eh, that stupid red guy can guard his own stupid castle!" Suddenly, Yogi and Booboo jump out of the bushes.
"Hey, Booboo old buddy, how about we have some fried chicken?"
"That sounds good! I'm starving, Yogi!"
"Uh-oh!" Chicken runs away with the two talking bears chasing him.
"That was easier than I thought it would be…" Dorothy says, a large sweat drop on her face.
"I hate Hannah-Barbara cartoons!" Eddy says.
"Eddy, cartoons don't exist!" Double D informs his loud-mouthed friend.
"If cartoons don't exist then WE don't exist!!!" Double D frowns.
"Well, at least this armor will come in handy." Double D picks the suit up and examines it. "I suggest we use it to disguise one of us and pose as a guard bringing prisoners into the castle and when they're off guard, get Plank's stuff and leave!"
"Sock Boy's stupid! Dracula say we go in and take the stuff!"
"I'm with Dracula!" Eddy adds. "This fanfic is cutting way into my scamming time and I want to get out of here as soon as possible!"
"I think I'll go with Double D's idea. Charging recklessly into that castle would be idiotic and injudicious. We have no idea what traps are hidden in there and there's probably an entire legion of guards protecting this guy."
"That's, um, nice, but I'm going with Double D's idea just because it was Double D's idea." Dorothy throws her arms around Double D's neck and Double D blushes with embarrassment and a sweat drop slides down the back of his face.
"I want to be a soldier!!!!" Ed shouts. He tries to put the armor on but it's too small.
"Well, Ed certainly can't play the role of the soldier. What about Eddy?"
"Forget it! I'm not wearing some armor belonging to that Red Guy! It might be diseased, or something!"
"That's something I'd expect from Double D, Eddy!" Ed blurts out.
"Double D's a good actor. Make him wear it!" Eddy puts the armor on Double D. At first it seems to fit, but falls off Double D's bony shoulders.
"Curse my small stature!"
"Dracula not wearing that! Dracula just got out of wearing some stupid lion suit!"
"Well, I'm made of metal, so the suit would make noises every time I'd move, which would give us away, and Dorothy's too tall, so I guess Carrie's going to have to wear it." The group turns around and looks at Carrie, who is playing in the dirt with her finger. She faces the group and tries to wave, but her arm falls off. She laughs and the group sweat drops.
"Uh, maybe we should get someone else to play the soldier, May," Dorothy says.
"We have no choice. Eddy and Dracula won't wear it and it won't fit me, you, or Double D, so Carrie has to be the soldier."
A few minutes later, Carrie is wearing the armor and it fits perfectly. Carrie has a heroic look on her face, until the helmet falls over her eyes.
"HELP!!!! THE HAT'S EATING ME!!!!!!!!" Double D takes some straw from Carrie's arm and uses it to hold up her helmet.
"Are you sure we can't make Eddy wear the suit?" Dorothy asks May.
"It's too late. Carrie's already wearing it and I don't think she plans on taking it off anytime soon…" Carrie picks the spear up and strikes a battle pose.
"Yeah, and she looks hot in it, too!" Eddy says. A vein pops up on May's forehead and she smacks Eddy in the back of the head.
"We should be fine as long as Eddy can keep his head out of the gutter!!!"
"Dracula's thirsty! Dracula wants a Pepsi or maybe a Red Blud…nah! Dracula wants some lemonade!"
"Here you go, Dracula!" Carrie gives the famous vampire a thermos. Dracula drinks some, but it isn't lemonade.
"BLECH!!!! BLONDE GIRL MADE DRACULA DRINK GRAVY!!!!!!!!!!!"
"So, I guess we're ready…" Double D says. Everyone but Dracula nods.
"Dracula wants to strangle Blonde Girl!!!! Blonde Girl try to kill Dracula!!!!!!!!" Dracula charges at Carrie, who is smiling naively at Dracula. Dorothy stops him by clubbing him on the head with her broom.
Well, their plan is good, but it's has one big hole in it! Will Carrie be able to focus long enough to sneak the group into the Red Guy's fortress? Will Eddy ever learn to keep his mind out of the gutter? And if that wasn't enough, they still have unknown dangers waiting for them in that fortress! Will they survive them??? Well, I don't know, so go asks some smart guy who knows everything!!!!!!!!!