Finding History with your Flame

By wrathie

Original Concept: Zun

Chapter 6: Of Disbelief and Uncertainty

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Sitting on my bed, the realization dawned on me at how… how like a whore I behaved earlier on.

[… I might never raise my head up again…]

Diving under my covers, I half-sobbed and half-giggled at my handiwork, which had left the young man sitting on the floor, stunned at my actions.

[… will my life change?]

Asking myself, I corrected myself and told myself firmly while looking out at the moon, which was slowly shaping up to it's full size.

[It will change… is just… how it will change…]

Consoled in the fact that I had made the first move towards another direction, I sat up again and went back to my desk.

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[And… what about you?]

On my desk was the amulet that I had picked up in the forest all those days and weeks ago.

It belonged to her and till now I had not felt any urge to return it to her.

[What would you say… if you know I am human… like you? Or… unlike you?]

I could never understand her harshness towards humans. Whether it is down to her hating humans, lamenting her inability to get along with humans… or just hating youkai who get along with humans… or… humans getting along with youkai…

All of it, I would not know… not know…

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[… I regret not telling you… who I am? Would that make a difference?]

Taking the amulet up and looking at it closely, I eventually placed it back on my desk, just staring at it and spending the night staring at it.

Perhaps in my willfulness, I wanted to learn more about her just by staring at the amulet, wanted to believe that I will know her better just by being with something that belonged to her.

It was silly then and it probably is silly now, spending time doing nothing but looking at the amulet, which is a treasure to me then and now… but, for me, that is enough…

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Yes, that is enough.

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[Kamishirasawa!]

Sitting by myself in the empty classroom after dismissing all the students, I waited patiently for the new comer to my school.

That is correct, the elder's son is taking lessons from me and I do enjoy those sessions, even if they are fleeting moments of the whole day.

[Good afternoon…]

Greeting him, I smiled and invited him to seat in front of me.

[Ahh… I'll be intruding then…]

Bowing to me formally, he crept into the classroom, removed his mud-caked shoes and timidly tiptoed to the desk directly in front of me.

[Why not have a drink?]

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Eyeing him as he took out his books, I offered him a cup of water and looked away to hide my amusement when he nervously gulped it down, spilling water as he drank it too quickly.

[There is no need to be nervous…]

Reassuring him, I opened the windows and almost immediately he leapt to his feet and closed them.

[I… I do not want to disgrace my family even more… I…]

Lowering his head, he whispered to me before walking dejectedly back to his desk while I considered.

[… hmm…]

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Rubbing my chin, I digested that information and I related to him in his thoughts. To a family as powerful in the village as he is, if he is seen being taught and guided by a woman, it would undoubtedly bring shame to him.

[Alright then…]

Knowing that there is indeed nothing I can do, at least for the moment, I nodded and began my lecture to him.

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After class, I saw him off and disappeared back to my house to straighten my thoughts.

[… Still… it is not as if… I didn't see him progress…]

If it was regarding his education, he is definitely making progress…

In the span of a single week, he has made leaps and bounds in terms of word recognizing and literacy skills. His attitude towards me has changed slightly over the course of the week, first timid and nervous, now more spoken and displaying more of his natural charm, if I have to admit.

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I find it… relaxing to talk to him, relating to someone who has different views about live than he does.

He too surprises me with his many topics of conversation, his interest, his beliefs and of course, his thoughts about life and the many things.

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Being alone for the majority of my life and knowing only small kids, whose questions never failed to amuse me or tickle me pink with their innocence, it is a delightful change for me to engage in a serious conversation with someone.

He does goes off topic every now and then but it is only then can I actually see his real character, ambitious but burdened with the expectations of his family.

Deep down he knows he carries the weight of the whole village in time and for now, he wanted to enjoy life to the fullest.

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[Kamishirasawa… after meeting you, I've changed…]

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Hearing him say that made me blush madly and I had to look away in order to remain dignified in front of him. I am a girl at heart after all, human or youkai… both does not matter against the horrendous yet beautiful tide of emotions that threatened to engulf me.

It tempted me so, tempted me so much for me to fall into his arms and to say that I loved him..

But that… is something that I would not want to do without serious thought on my part.

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Getting carried away just based on emotions is silly and is not a wise thing to do, history has proven it to me countless of times that decisions made with strong emotions present during the making of the decision would generally mean it is a BAD decision.

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[…]

Perhaps I am getting a little impatient, wanting more… even though I knew that things cannot be rushed. It is like tasting something that I can't quite reach, love…

I know what is the feeling of liking someone now, even if it is just a little so… maybe I am impatient… just sorely impatient with the lack of progress between the two of us.

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The same thing happens when I was waiting for the girl in the woods, the girl that I felt fondly attached to even though I do not know her name..

It is killing me, the burning questions in my mind and heart as I waited for her for the past few months. I long to see her, to know more about her… and I do not know why…

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[Perhaps, I just want to understand her… and in the process understand me… as well…]

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[… Hi…]

It was just a day after that particular day when…

[What is the matter?]

[Erm… would… W-Would…]

Stuttering nervously as we ended the class, he twitched nervously even more when my eyes fell on him, coercing him for an answer.

[T-The… the annual Hanami festival… is… to-tomorrow… right?]

[Yes, yes it is… I will have to cancel tomorrow's class I am afraid… I have to help with the preparations…]

Musing, I thanked him for reminding me before I turned back to collecting and keeping all the books till he spoke up again.

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[H-Hey… Kamishirasawa…]

[mm? yes? Is there something else you wanted to-]

Cutting me off, I blushed crimson when he held my hands and pressed a bouquet of flowers into my hands.

[A-Ah…]

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Caught totally off guard, I could not understand or bothered to understand what he meant as he and I both fiddled with our fingers, occasionally peeping at each's others face and then turning away. This process repeated itself like a broken record till finally he broke the cycle by exclaiming out.

[I… I'll like it.. if you danced with me on that day, Kamishirasawa! It-it's a bit sudden b-but I…]

[Ah… I…]

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It is a date, a request by a member of the opposite gender for a dance and it immediately sent butterflies knocking about in my stomach, made me feel like I was in heaven all together.

It is a wonderful feeling but I was not sure that my happiness was shown on my face as he smiled sheepishly and looked away from me.

[I… I mean if you wouldn't mind, Kamishirasawa…]

[…]

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Looking down at my foot, I slowly nodded and smiled to signal my willingness.

[Yes… I would… it would be lovely…]

[G-Great!]

Clapping his hands together, his happiness could be expressed by looks alone as he bowed to me while thanking me.

[Thank you, Kamishirasawa! I'll… I'll head back now!]

I was a little disappointed when he left almost immediately, claiming he has to help some of the villagers with the festival preparations as well, leaving me alone and forlorn in the school.

[It would be nice.,. if he is a little bit more daring…]

Sliding down my chair, I looked at the bouquet of flowers and held them to my chest, immersing myself in the scent.

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[… beautiful… very beautiful…]

Looking at the flowers, I was once again amazed at how tactful he is in choosing the flowers, all the varieties he chose did not clash with one another nor did their scent overpowering each other as I took a whiff of them.

It takes expertise to pick a bouquet of flowers this beautiful and as it is not part of our culture, he surely must have done that to surprise me.

[… why…]

Thinking that thought, I unwittingly blushed and giggled just like a school girl in love.

[…]

Perhaps I am a school girl in love…

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Walking back from school in the evening, I just happened to chance upon something that I did not expect to see.

[!]

It was the girl from the forest! The immortal youkai girl!

Thinking that, I quickly dived down into the nearby bushes and cautiously peeped out from them to see what she was doing.

With her hands in her pockets, she frowned for a second before timidly stepping onto the road with me mentally urging her on.

If she could just make it into the village…

Focusing so much on her, the both of us were surprised when all of a sudden, a voice called out my name.

[Kamishirasawa!]

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[!]

[!]

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Like children being caught after a naughty prank, the both of us freeze and a second later, bolted from our respective spots.

Me jumping out of the bushes and her running frantically back into the forest.

[Ah…]

Disappointed at the interruption, I turned to get another shock, it was the Elder's son looking curiously at me.

[Eh?]

I should have known, beside him no one would ever dream of calling me so directly.

[Hi… Hi…]

Nervously, I curtsied to him while trying hard not to express my disappointment and nervousness at being caught in such a revealing situation.

[What were you doing?]

[Ah… Nothing, nothing… really!]

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Laughing to hide my embarrassment, I paused and swallowed nervously when his next question caught me off guard.

[Did you see that girl?]

Referring to the immortal youkai girl, I was surprised that he would actually know her as he explained to me while walking with me to my home.

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[She is youkai, Kamishirasawa, a fire youkai, she uses fire balls…]

Musing to himself, he shrugged when I asked him to tell me more.

[I saw her using a fireball to light a fire once but she looks like a human…]

[What if she is a human?]

[… No way, a human won't have such powers…]

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Feeling a little angry and frustrated that he would answer me so lightheartedly, I pressed on, my eyes furrowing.

[What if she is human…]

[…]

He paused for a second and looked at me, as if wanting to bore through my mind and I felt sweat form on the back of my palms.

He is sharp, I knew that and I had quite likely given myself away by being so agitated on that particular topic. But better sooner than later, I rather be hurt earlier when I had not sink into the quagmire of love completely then when I am completely engulfed in the bliss of love.

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[…. Then we'll see…]

Answering me with a half-hearted answer, he saw that I was about to speak again when he cut me off.

[I called you to warn you about her, Kamishirasawa… are you hiding from her?]

[Eh… well…]

[There is reason to be afraid if you think she's youkai, Kamishirasawa but don't worry, I'll protect you.]

Flexing his muscles and striking a pose at me, I supposed he expected me to nod at him and thank him but I just laughed, laughed at how silly he was.

Silly him, I could probably overpower him with my hands alone being youkai and all…

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That jarred me and my humor evaporated instantly.

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[Kamishirasawa?]

His concerned eyes peered at me but I was not paying attention to him anymore.

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The thoughts of he not liking youkai kept repeating themselves in my mind and I froze, not moving a single step and I even shrugged off his arm as he tried to touch me, showing how disappointed I was in myself and him.

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Did I not want to give him a chance? To give me a chance?

…Perhaps from the start, I was hoping for too much after all.

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[… I'm sorry… I'll have to take my leave now.]

Apologizing to him, I brushed past him as I started to run and run I did, leaving him calling my name behind me.

[Kamishirasawa! It's DANGEROUS! KAMISHIRASAWA!]

Even as he called frantically at me, another voice was whispering into my ear, dangerous things that threatened my beliefs of my life and of all that I hold dear.

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Youkai will always cause disasters, Humans will never trust youkai.

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He will never accept someone like you, a youkai! Did you hear how he said the word 'youkai'? He SPAT it out like it was foul…

He will never love you…

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NEVER…

Never love you…

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[No… NO, NO!]

Slamming the door shut and bolting it, I ran for my room and hide under my covers, hoping that at least, in the privacy of my own room I would be safe from the taunts from my own inner demons.

[NO… STOP IT!]

Even deep in the covers I can hear her whispering ever so faintly. It was like hearing something from another room, silent enough that you would not pay attention to it but loud enough to draw your attention and to focus all your attention to it despite not wanting to.

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For a human, youkai are detestable… never one's friends and NEVER ONE'S LOVER.

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He will abandon you if he finds out… mock you… destroy you from inside out…

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[No, stop it, stop it! I… I…]

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Youkai too despises you… remember how she reacted?

Hatred to humans… hatred to youkai…

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YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE FATE OF BEING LONELY!

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[NO!]

Crying out in the night, I wept alone in a corner of my room as the hidden demon cackled and just laughed at my pathetic form, curled up in a ball sobbing all the way.

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HAHAHAHAHA~~

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HAHAHAHAH~~

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I do not know what is the demon's purpose to torture me with thoughts of loneliness and my fear of rejection but it certainly enjoyed itself, feeding on my unease and unhappiness at my own life.

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This is the night that I became aware that there is another, darker side of me that I had perhaps not known before…

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Crying myself to sleep, I woken only when the sun was in it's mid-day's position and as that signaled that it was nearing the hour stipulated for the preparation to begin, I hurriedly got up to change.

[….]

Wordlessly grabbing a few clothes, I stepped into the bathing room and absentmindedly washed myself down with cold water. The cold water is refreshing and as I felt the cold water trickle between my toes, I squatted down and hugged my own knees as I gathered my thoughts.

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Last night was horrible, sleeping with the unknown voice laughing at the back of my mind. My mind was cracking up from the pressure and… and… it is such a horrible feeling, like my heart was being shattered and my greatest treasure was taken from me.

The trickling water reminded me of my life, gathered in a glass bowl for so long and destroyed in a single instant, letting what I hold dear disappear.

It is just like the proverb: Keeping all your eggs in a basket…

I reaped what I sowed…

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Do I?

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While helping out with the village, I was not my usual self and I was sure all the others noticed it too.

It is painful, very painful to see how they treated me nicely as if I was one of them when another part of me told me I am not.

Honestly, I do not know what and who to believe now… Should I believe my heart or my own mind?

[…]

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Absentmindedly cutting up the vegetables, I smiled as I saw one of the other, younger girls get cut on her hand while cutting and I offered to help her finish up while she go and seek medical treatment.

[Thank you, Kamishirasawa!]

Bowing to me, she hurriedly ran off, clutching her bleeding hand as she headed for the village nurse.

[…]

Chop, Chop…

The monotone and repetitive sound of the knife hitting the chopping board was all that I heard. Instead of the carefree laughter of the village girls as they gossiped among themselves nor the sounds of birds singing and the wind blowing a soft melody as they passed through the forest.

Chop… chop…

All I could hear was the sound of the knife as I continued to cut and heap vegetables to the side.

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[… No, it is my pleasure to help…]

Managing a smile, I bowed to them and said my goodbyes softly. There was still some time before the festival and it was apparent that they wanted me to stay with them before the start but I politely declined, claiming that I had work to do.

It was true after all, work had to be done… marks have to be given and assignments have to be graded.

Trudging slowly, I trembled as I hugged myself, not from the cold from the surroundings but by the coldness of my heart.

A day before I was happy, beyond happy and now, one day after such a small incident and I seemed to have predicted the end of the world, the end of my life and everything that holds dear.

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[…]

It is truly painful to have something like that hanging around the back of my mind as he was working within plain sight of me. Lugging bags of food around, carrying decorations and generally doing lots of menial work with the rest of the man, he is working hard and there I was, wallowing my own self pity.

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If he did not find out… he would continue to strive on to impress me.

If he did find out… would he continue to do that? Would he even love me again?

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I do not know and for now, I do not want to know…

Slowly closing my room, I looked at the stacks of paper on my table and with a single wave of my arm, swept them off the table.

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Watching the papers fly in the air, I stood there and watch them all flutter to the ground.

[… I…]

Not wanting to do anything else, I sank back into bed and fell into a deep sleep.

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Author's Notes: None, damn work.