The first time Walter saw Audrey, it took his breath away. He could remember being completely frozen where he stood. Audrey had noticed him, probably because he was standing so still amongst the crowd of people as he watched her walk by. Walter remembered the amuse smile that was on her face as she walked past him. He replayed that smile over and over again in his mind. He tried to decipher whether that smile meant that she might be interested or if she had been on the verge of laughing at him.
It took Walter a week to work up the courage to talk to Audrey. Walter just found himself so captivated by Audrey. He had found out that she has two kids, one around his own son's age. She loved California and she hated the cold. Walter stored all these little facts in the back of his mind. After a week of talking, Walter found the courage to ask Audrey out.
One day, about a month into their blossoming relationship, Walter felt incredibly guilty. He couldn't remember what triggered it exactly. Maybe it was the way Audrey's hand brushed against his, or maybe it was the way she smiled, or maybe it was because she asked about Josh. All Walter knew was that the name Sarah was on the tip of his tongue and it was such a crushing blow.
"What's wrong?" Audrey asked, looking concerned about Walter's sudden mood change.
"I just remembered..." Walter took a breath. "Can we do this another time? I just remembered something."
"Yeah, sure. I should be heading back to work anyway." Audrey said, standing up and gathering her purse and jacket. "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Walter said, placing a couple of dollars on the table to cover the coffees and a tip.
Audrey look unconvinced. She kissed Walter's cheek. "You know, you can talk to me about whatever it is."
Walter had muttered a thanks and watched Audrey go before heading home.
-----
Walter was sitting at the kitchen table as he stared at the calendar. He could not believe it. Last week was the anniversary of Sarah's death and it came and went without anyone noticing.
Walter had been out with Audrey that night. They were all dressed up and planning to go to a fancy restaurant. Somehow, instead of the restaurant, they found themselves packing a makeshift picnic from things they bought at a 7-11 and going down to the beach to watch the sun set.
"Hey, Dad. What's up?" Josh asked as he entered the kitchen. Walter watched Josh go to the fridge. Josh pulled a carton of milk out of the fridge, poured it carefully in a glass and returned the carton to the fridge. Josh brought his glass of milk over to the table and sat down across from Walter.
Josh looked confused by Walter's lack of a response. "Did you want a glass of milk, too?"
Walter watched his son's expression change, as if Josh was silently scolding himself for not asking his father if he wanted a glass of milk when he first went to the fridge. "Sure, a glass of milk would be great."
Walter realized he was lucky to have a conscientious son like Josh. "You want to grab some cookies, too?" Walter asked.
A smile lit up Josh's face. "Sure." Josh said excitedly. He reached into the top cabinet and Walter almost stood up to help Josh get the cookies down. Walter lowered himself back into his chair. He kept forgetting how big Josh was getting. Since he turned fourteen, Josh seemed to be growing inches at a time.
Josh returned with a plate of cookies and handed Walter a glass of milk. Walter silently dunked a cookie into his glass of milk and he noticed Josh mirror his actions.
"You look like you have a lot on your mind. Did your lunch date go okay?" Josh asked.
Walter didn't know how to respond. He wondered if he should share what's really on his mind. "Do you remember anything about your mom?" Walter asked suddenly, the words falling out of his mouth before he could stop them.
Josh almost choked on the cookie he was eating, surprised by the question. He coughed and took a sip of his milk before taking a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean... you don't have to answer that..." Walter said, trying to somehow erase the question.
Josh shook his head. "It's fine." He looked out the window as he thought about it. "I'm not sure if it's really memories I have... It's more like a feeling, I guess..."
Walter found himself leaning forward, desperately needing to know what exactly his son meant.
"Like, when it's cool out and the breeze brushes against my cheek and I hear the rustling of the leaves in the trees... I just get a feeling. Almost like deja vu. I can almost remember sitting in a stroller and mom would stop and pull my hat down a little more, or the collar of my jacket up a little more." Josh paused. "Whenever I see pictures of leaves changing colours, I think of her. In my mind, I always thought that she would like the leaves changing in fall..."
"She did..." Walter said. His voice broke and a tear dropped onto his cheek.
Josh looked horrified for a second as he looked at Walter. Walter couldn't figure out if it's because he was watching his dad get emotional, or if he was worried that it was something he said to make Walter react this way. "Dad, I'm sorry."
Walter waved one hand to let Josh know that it was no big deal and he wiped his other hand across his eyes. Walter chuckled slightly. "I'm sorry, son. It's just that sometimes I forget the little things like that. She really did love the leaves falling. I could never finish raking the leaves because as soon as the pile was big enough she would jump in it with you."
A small smile started to appear on Josh's face. "The sound of leaves crunching always reminds me of Mom."
Walter opened his mouth to say something. Instead, he got up and looked in the living room closet. He returned to the table with three large photo albums. Walter opened the third book, almost exactly to the page he was looking for. He turned the page and turned the album around so Josh could see the picture. "This is my favourite picture of you two." Walter said, pointing to a picture at the bottom of the page.
It was a picture of Sarah sitting in a big pile of leaves with a two year old Josh on her lap. They both had huge smiles on their faces and bits of fallen leaves stuck in their hair.
Josh smiled. "It looks like we were happy."
"Your mom loved you very much." Walter opened the first album and the first picture was Sarah holding Josh right after he was born. Josh's eyes scanned over the picture as if he was trying to memorize every detail in it.
Walter started talking. The last time Walter looked at these pictures with Josh, it was right after Sarah had died. Josh had asked, "Where's mommy?" Walter pulled out the albums and sat Josh on his lap and explained that mommy had to go away. That any time Josh missed her, and wanted to see her, that he could look through the pictures.
Walter knew that every now and then, Josh looked through the pictures. This time was different. This time Josh asked questions about things and Walter was really able to share memories with his son.
Walter didn't even realize how much time had passed until he saw Josh stifling a yawn. He glanced at the clock. "Wow, it's 11. You better get to bed."
Josh nodded as he yawned again. "'Kay, Dad."
Josh started to head for bed, leaving Walter with the pictures. Walter traced his finger over one picture of Sarah. It still hurt. He would always love her, and he would always miss her, and it would always hurt. It just didn't hurt the way it used to. It was as if something had come in and filled in a part of the space in him that was reserved for the pain of missing Sarah.
"I knew what last Friday was..." a voice from behind interrupted Walter's thoughts.
Walter hadn't even heard Josh come back to the kitchen. He turned around and looked at his son.
"I knew, but I didn't say anything... You just looked so happy when you were leaving for your date. I didn't want to..." Josh stopped and Walter could feel his eyes filling with tears again. "I really believe, that mom would want you to be happy..."
Walter nodded. "You should get to bed." He said, trying to keep his voice under control. Josh turned to walk away again. "I love you, son."
Josh turned and smiled at Walter. "I love you, too, Dad."
-----
Walter didn't even realize what he was doing until he had already knocked on Audrey's front door. It was just before midnight and Walter realized that he should have thought things through. He could have waited until morning.
Walter was just about to walk away when the door opened. "Walter, what are you doing here?" Audrey asked, pulling her robe closed against the night air.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'll talk to you in the morning." Walter said quickly, turning to walk away.
Audrey grabbed Walter's hand. "Don't worry about it. Is everything okay?" Audrey stepped outside and closed the door behind her.
"I wanted to apologize about earlier. I didn't mean to bolt on you like that." Walter said, looking at the ground.
"It's fine. Do you want to talk about it?"
Walter finally looked at Audrey. There was a faint smile on her face and she looked like she really wanted to know what was going through Walter's head. "My wife... Sarah... Died twelve years ago last Friday."
"Oh." Audrey said softly. She sat down on the front step and Walter sat next to her.
"We were at lunch today, and I just remembered that..."
Audrey looked confused for a moment before her expression cleared. "Oh, Walter..." She said, softly touching his arm.
"For the first time in twelve years, the day passed and the world didn't fall apart around me. I mean, I've dated since... not a lot... but I've dated. If I was in a relationship, I would just spend that day at home and look at old photos... but this year..."
"We were at the beach..." Audrey said quietly.
"Yeah..." Walter looked at the ground again.
"When Bobby left... I know it's not the same... but when Bobby left, I felt guilty whenever I looked at another man. For the longest time, it just felt like the second I looked at another man, that's when Bobby would show up and want to give things another chance." Audrey said softly. She chuckled before continuing. "I guess it was a legitimate fear. The first time he came back, I was on my first date since he left. That night, I ended up conceiving Megan."
Walter looked at Audrey. It was the first time she had mentioned Drake and Megan's dad.
Audrey shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm talking about. I was just thinking about the guilt I felt. Even though he was the one to leave, I felt like I was betraying the father of my children. It's nothing compared to how you feel about... Sarah?" Audrey looked at Walter to see if she had gotten the name right. She continued after Walter nodded. "I just don't know what to say. I just want to tell you that it will be all right. That you can live your life without betraying her. That she can still hold a place in your heart and..." Audrey gestured wildly. "Because this is what living is... It's going through the bad times and coming out the other side. It's about falling down and starting over again! It's about..."
Audrey was cut off by a kiss from Walter. "Thank you." He said softly. His forehead rested against Audrey's.
"I know you can never replace her. I just... I just want there to be room in your life... for me."
Walter kissed Audrey again. "There's room."