Change.
He's carrying me, I don't know how I feel about that. He said he loved me. I know how I feel about that. All I can see is Hisao's face, while he's taking care of me. Part of me wants to know why, but I know the answer to that already. The words echo in my mind, "I love you Rin," It brings a very small smile to my face. It also brings a smile that he doesn't have an erection right now. I wonder if I should paint that picture of the Nakais backyard? I hope he's not getting used to bathing girls. I lean my head back, and relax, as best I can. I don't like change, and a visit to the nurses office will bring change, that's not good.
I relax in the tub for an hour, I think, before I stand. Hisao takes this as a sign that I'm finished and towels me off. I bend my neck and push him to the bench he had so gently placed me on, "Get undressed please," I ask, bringing up the stool he was sitting on. I lather the brush and begin to scrub him down. He's embarrassed, that's good. I rinse him off as best I can, and nod towards the tub. I add more warm water to it, as I know he likes his baths very warm. My mind goes back to this afternoon, it all just emptied out of me, like when you eat the last cookie, and you think there are more, but there aren't.
It's hard, I've always felt no one understood me. I accepted that, eventually. People just drifted away. It doesn't bother me that people don't get me, what bothers me, I think, is that Hisao comes along. Not that there have been many like him. It scares me. A lot.
Hisaos, out of the tub now, the scar on his chest standing out from the pale of the rest of his chest. Very pink. He wraps a towel around both of us, I had forgotten I was naked in front of him. He holds me close, while drying me off, he wraps a towel around me. I stand there watching him, as he wraps a towel around himself. I follow him to his bed room, I feel lost, even though I've been here a week.
Hisao doesn't turn on the lights. We know the way around his room. He climbs into bed, and throws the blankets back welcoming me in. I worm my way close to him, and he brings the blankets around me. He kisses me, on my forehead, on the bridge of my nose, on my lips. I return the favour, his hands caressing my body. The fear I had dissipates, to be replaced with a calm that scares me just as much.
Change pt. 2
The sun is shining though the curtains, I feel this with out opening my eyes. The bed is empty beside me, there is heat here still, but not the body that left it. I worm my way to the remaining heat. The door opens. Hisao is standing there with a tray, hard not to hide my surprise , as I open my eyes, fruit, omelet and juice with one of those bendy straws sticking out. That must be his fathers doing, I think. I sit up against his wall, watching him as he scoots up against the wall besides me.
I hate being fed, people turn it into a circus side show. But Hisao, he doesn't. There's kindness in his eyes. Like he sees past the big bits and sees the smaller bits that make up the big bits. Always. Not sympathy, not sadness, well not when he's focused anyways. He offers me a bite of omelet, I take it, savouring the taste. People don't understand, that's okay, I do.
We get ready for the day, for the trip back to school. I leave Hisao to clean up after breakfast while I pack my bag, well as close to packing as I get. I flip though the sketch book one more time before packing it away. I rip out the picture I drew the other day and leave it on the bed, I think his parents will like it. I'm siting on the end of the bed, zipping up my luggage, when I hear foot steps come up the stairs.
"Hisao, if you are going to rape me, you need to be more quiet," I say to the figure approaching my room. I turn to the door with my usual half lidded look, but it's not Hisaso, it's his mother. "Oh, hello, Mrs Nakai," I say, watching her face, ignoring the human need to feel embarrassed in a situation like this.
"Rin-Chan, I would like to thank you." This took me by surprise, no one had thanked me for anything, ever. I cocked my head at Hisaos mother, but say nothing. I can see Hisao in her, or is it the other way around? "When Hisaso left the hospital, we thought we had lost him, he was nothing but a shell of his old self," The embarrassment I shook off before hits me head on now. I blushed, not normal, not good. "Hisao, was there for me too. We both had demons, Hisao was just stronger than I," I say looking anywhere but at Hisaos mother. Mrs Nakai chose this time to hug me. I froze, not knowing weather to bow to my fight or flight reflex or just to enjoy the feeling. "You are always welcome in our home Rin-chan," Mrs Nakai says as she brakes off the hug and leaves.
I thought about this experience as Hisao carried my bag out and packed it in the trunk of the car. I caught a glimpse of Hisao as I headed out through the hallway towards the front door. They had hung and framed the picture I drew of their son. It was a simple black frame, did not take away from the simple pencil drawing it held behind its glass. It's the smile. That must be it, I thought to myself.