Mad World

Chapter Six

Subtitled: Hide My Head

Quotation: Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow' Unknown


Previously on Mad World: In a matter of moments he'd know what had been going on all term. It was now or never. "Tigerlily." He repeated, feeling the flames engulf him.


James coughed as the soot rose into the air but immediately clapped his hand over his mouth. He looked around. He was alone, in a large living room, a beautiful living room, the kind of living room his mother would have been proud of. Directly opposite him was a large leather couch, which sat directly behind a deep mahogany coffee table. Next to a couch was a matching end table. He was in Lily's house.

James sat up quietly and glanced down. He was still invisible. For a moment he had been afraid that is cloak had whirled off him. Stranger things had happened. He stood up and walked towards the end table. There were two picture frames on it. The first was of two girls on horses. The first one was blonde, terrified and looked to be about three years old. The second girl had brilliant red hair, plaited neatly under her helmet. She grinned, revealing a missing front tooth. He knew that smile with any set of teeth. Lily.

The second picture was of Lily from about fifth year. In a knee-length white dress, she was sprawled in a field of wild flowers, her whole face alight with laughter. James forgot himself for a moment and picked up the frame. She took his breath away. But then she always head. He took out his wand and tapped the frame lightly. An exact copy of the picture poked out of his wand, unfurling slowly with a deep his. He glanced at the picture and pocketed it.

In the next room he heard some light laughter, he whirled around, but was still alone. Sighing quietly, he put the frame back exactly as it was. Pulling out his wand, he performed a silencing charm and walked normally towards the laughter, without making a sound. It was an odd sensation, feeling his feel meet the floor and hearing nothing. The living room led to a large, brightly lit hallway with periwinkle wallpaper and hardwood floors. The walls were lined with pictures of Lily and someone he assumed was her sister.

The noises were getting closer and he saw an open door on his right. He slid in and his heart gave a great thump as he saw Lily, kitty-corner to him, holding her fork thoughtfully. A small, frail looking woman with carrot colored hair sat next to her. A man sat with his back to James on her other side and the girl from the photos sat opposite her.

James stared at Lily in confusion as she talked over enthusiastically to her sister. She had been coming home? That was her great secret? None of this made sense. He had expected something wild and spectacular like a hidden unicorn.

The woman who James assumed was Lily's mother began to cough dangerously. It took all his self-control not to reach forward and steady her. He looked to Lily in horror but she continued to smile, seemingly both blind and deaf, though, as he looked closer, he could see the strain in her eyes.

"I'd better go up to bed." The woman said hoarsely, still grasping her chest.

"Shall I help you, mum?" Lily asked, folding her napkin neatly and half out of her seat.

"No, that's quite alright, darling. Finish your dinner. I'll see you tomorrow. Katie can help me." And as if by magic, though it was actually just really good service, a short, freckled girl, with ruddy cheeks appeared and grasped Lily's mother by the arm.

"Goodnight mum." Lily said, her voice so cheerful it was painful to listen to. "See you tomorrow."

"I'm going to bed too." The blonde girl said after a moment, pushing her plate away.

"Night Petunia." Their father said. She waved blandly and disappeared out the door.

James bit his lip as he watched as Lily placed her head in her hands.

"The cancer spread to her brain." Mr. Evans said flatly.

Lily nodded miserably. She opened her mouth as though to say something but Katie reappeared at the door. "Call for you Mr. Evans. It's urgent."

Her father threw his napkin the table, clearly fighting to keep his self-control. For one, horrible moment James thought he'd lash out on the poor maid, but instead he breathed in deeply. "I'll take in my study, Katie." And he stood up from the table.

"I'll just head back then." Lily said. Her father waved in response leaving Lily very much alone. Or so she thought. Tears fell softly and slowly down her cheeks. She wasn't sobbing. She wasn't making a sound.

James was transfixed. He knew he should leave but he couldn't. He never meant to invade her privacy like this. For some reason, he thought Lily was out on a lark. Like secret shopping sprees And standing there, silently watching the girl he loved, the girl he had always loved, looking so lost, so incredibly sad, James felt how Lily had felt everyday for two months – completely helpless. Staring at her, he saw real strength and courage for the first time. And, much to his shock, it had nothing to do with standing up to Slytherins.

Maybe it was the firewhiskey, or maybe it was just that James was finally beginning to learn that love wasn't about slaying dragons or rescuing damsels, or passionate kisses at sunset. It was about ugly, horrible moments like this. It was about loving someone when they weren't easy to love. And so it was as a silent partner in Lily's grief, and regret, with her face splotchy and body too skinny for her face, that James Potter really and truly fell in love with Lily Evans.

He didn't throw off his cloak and sweep her off her feet. He didn't recite a sonnet. It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was just that it…didn't seem right. Besides the fact that he was pretty sure Lily would cast her first, and only, unforgivable if she ever knew he was there, he also sensed that he would be doing her a great disservice if he did that. She needed a partner, not a savior, and that happened with trust (which he was violating on every level), not heroic acts.

In that moment, something profound changed in him. He'd still play pranks, mock Snape and get drunk with his friends on occasion, but he knew, deep in the same place that he knew the sun would keep rising, that things would never be the same again, not for him. It took barely a moment but James' priorities were forever changed. Two weeks after his seventeenth birthday, James Potter became a man. And it broke his heart.

Later that night, as he replayed this episode over and over in his mind, he never could pinpoint how long she had sat there, and how long he had stood there, watching, waiting, but at some point she pulled herself together, as he realized she always did, and walked to the fireplace. She grabbed some floo powder, shouted 'Tiddlywinks' and was gone. He waited for just under ten minutes to make sure she had left the common room, only the sound of the ticking grandfather to keep him company. He followed her to find the common room empty, only this time it was James who spent the night on the couch, staring horrified into the fire.


Amos Diggory was bored. He had planned to spend his afternoon off with his girlfriend, but she had begged off (something about homework…) and so there he was wandering the halls, completely bored. He leaned out the nearest window and breathed in the fresh air. He supposed he could always take his broom for a spin. He stood there trying to remember if he'd left his broom in his room or in the locker rooms. He stared out the window, puzzled when he saw his girlfriend walking. He started to call out her name when he realized that she wasn't alone. He stood there, frozen, as he saw Hannah turn and kiss the boy she was walking with. He couldn't see who it was but the robes had a red hood, he was significantly taller that Hannah and he had untidy black hair. Amos grip tightened and he gritted his teeth. Potter. He was going to kill him.

Sirius' hair was usually quite neat. It fact it had been called elegant by some. His brother, Regulus, had inherited rather unfortunate curls that looked a little like Velcro but not Sirius. Yes, it was hard to be rich, popular, brilliant, unattached, and devilishly good looking but through the years, Sirius had managed somehow to learn to cope. Today however, Hannah had been slightly over zealous and his hair, much to his chagrin when he later found a mirror, was looking rather like James'. He would have given anything for his friend, anything that is, but his hair. He and Hannah entered the great hall separately and sat next to Remus, who, rather generously, handed him a plate of beef without even being asked. After seven years, Remus had learned the easiest way to have a conversation uninterrupted when Sirius was around was to anticipate his needs.

"So you'll go with me, then?" he asked, handing Sirius the bread just as he opened his mouth to ask for it.

Lily grinned. "Absolutely! We'll have so much fun. I'm actually quite excited for the ball. I think it's going to be really nice, don't you James?"

James was staring moodily into space. "Hmm? Yeah it'll be great." But he sounded downright unenthusiastic.

"Have you asked Jenna yet?" Lily asked, ignoring his tone. James hadn't hit on her once since he had starting going out with Jenna and they were now getting on quite well. She wasn't about to throw that away just because he was tad temperamental lately. Actually the more she thought about it, the weirder he'd been in the past week. He'd been incredibly solicitous but distant, like a very polite stranger. He smiled at her, held open the door, chatted nicely, but was completely bland. To be honest, it made Lily a little nervous. The last time he'd acted this way was in their first year right before he'd put itching powder in her shampoo.

James poked his dinner and shrugged. "No but I should probably get on that. Oi, Jenna, wanna go to the ball." He called.

Her golden hair flipped around as she turned to face him. "Sure. I was wondering when you were going to ask me."

He shrugged again and turned back to Lily, who watched the whole interaction with raised eyebrows.

"There. Done." He said.

"Alright there, Lily?" Ann asked as she sat down next to Lily, grinning and out of breath.

"Alright. You?"

"Smashing, my dress came for the ball."

Sirius looked up with interest. He gathered his courage. "Hey, Alford, go with me to the ball." It wasn't a question.

Ann laughed heartily. "Wow, that was so romantic that I can barely breath. I hope your skills are better than your lines. Poor Hannah." She shook her head, her whole body emanating happiness. All was right in the world of Anwin Alford. "That horrid invitation aside, I already have a date."

Sirius was beginning to feel a little desperate. This girl kept pulling the floor out from under him. "What?" he asked, blanching slightly. "Who?"

"Well, Peter." She said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world before turning back to Lily to tell her about her dress.

Sirius turned to Peter looking positively murderous.

"Snooze you lose, mate." Peter said, grinning cheekily and taking a huge bite of his mutton.

Remus laughed loudly. "This is too rich, Sirius Black is going stag to the ball?"

Sirius shoved back from the table, practically purple with rage.


The evening of the ball arrived without incident. (Although at one point the only thing standing between Peter and certain death was James and his wand - an incident that would one day give him cause for deja vu.) And as it turned out, Sirius did not, in fact, go stag. He had asked some Ravenclaw fifth year, who, unfortunately for him, and an obsessive interest in flobberworms that she never tired of sharing.

Lily met Remus in the common room a little before seven. Dressed in a midnight blue dress, her hair cascading simply down her back and pearl choker, she seemed to glow. Though, for sheer beauty, she couldn't compete with Ann, who in gold and silver, was passing out heart attacks left, right, and center, but still, there was something ethereal about her.

"You look breathtaking Lils." Remus said, offering his arm.

"You clean up well yourself." She said and kissing him on cheek.

Despite himself, James felt a twinge of jealousy as he and Jenna passed Remus and Lily, Though, it has to be said, Jenna, in a deep red with spaghetti straps, looked quite pretty.

Lily danced four times with Remus, twice with Peter and one very bad dance with Sirius, who kept stepping on her foot as he stared at Ann dance with James. By ten, she was thirsty, tired, and her big toe was bleeding. She excused herself and walked to the refreshment table, where she found James leaning casually against the table, a goblet of punch in his hand.

"Hi James." She said as he handed her some punch. "Thank you." She leaned on the table next to him. "This place looks pretty great, huh?" She asked, smiling, feeling satisfied for the first time in months.

"It looks incredible," he said, looking her in the eye. Their noses inches apart. "You really went above and beyond."

Lily didn't look away, though she desperately wanted to. "You too. Half of this is yours." She said softly, mesmerized by the way he was looking at her. There was something different in his eyes, something older, calmer, more patient. His usual smirk was gone. She no longer felt like he wanted to ravage her and tell on his friends about it. They were so close that she could hear him breathe. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Real classy, Potter." A voice drawled nastily.

They flew apart, Lily spilling her punch all over the table. "Lo there, Diggory." James said cautiously, scanning the crowd for Sirius, but he was nowhere to be found. He shoved Lily roughly into the crowd.

"You're really something, you know that." Amos said, raising his voice. People were beginning to notice. James saw Remus rushing through the crowd his wand raised. Peter was coming from the other direction, but no wands were necessary. Amos was a good, old- fashioned boy.

"What? Shagging my girlfriend isn't enough? You're going to take advantage of Lily too?" Amos cried slugging him hard in the jaw. James fell to the ground just as Remus broke through.

"Levicorpus!" Remus shouted, Amos shooting up in the air rather ungracefully by his ankle.

"Accio wand!" Peter cried, catching Amos' wand deftly with his left hand.

Jenna Beam broke through the circle of onlookers just as James got up, blood pouring from his nose. "Are you alright?" She asked.

James nodded.

"Good." And she slapped him so hard across the face that a glowing, red handprint was left in its place. She shook her head, disgusted. "Hannah Prewett? Honestly James!" she walked away into the waiting arms of Maggie Highland, where she promptly burst into tears.

"Here, James." Lily said, handing him a napkin for his nose and smirking slightly.

He turned to Remus. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to absolutely kill him."

"What's going on here Mr. Potter?" Professor McGongall roared, as she emerged from the crowd to see a prefect hanging by his ankle and the head boy bleeding profusely from the nose and lips.

"Just a little spat, Professor." Remus said quickly.

"Is that you're story too, Miss Evans?" Professor McGonagall asked.

Lily nodded. Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Of the five of you, two of you are prefects," she looked witheringly at Amos and Remus. "And the other two are head boy and head girl. And Mr. Pettigrew, you are a seventh year. Therefore the five of you will be in detention for as long as it takes you to learn the meaning of leadership."

"And how long might that be, Professor?" James asked timidly, trying, but failing to smile charmingly through his fat lip.

"We'll just find out won't we? Twenty points from Gryffindor, and ten points from Ravenclaw for behavior below your positions and age."

As she walked away, James turned back to Remus. "Scratch that, I'll torture him first."


"James hold still!" Lily cried as she tried to place a rag soaked in murlap essence on swollen lip. They were standing on a balcony just outside the dance, the music still blaring inside.

"It hurts." He whined.

"If you don't stop being such a baby, I'll send you to Madam Pomfry"

James promptly shut up. He actually quite liked Madam Pomfry, but Lily tending his injuries had been a fantasy of his since his fourth year. He wasn't about to mess it up. Just as she reapplied the rag, they heard voices approaching.

"It's Sirius! Excuse me. I have to kill him." James said. standing up.

Lily shoved him back down roughly. "Shh. He's with Ann." She whispered, putting a finger to her lips.

Ann and Sirius got closer.

"Look Black, what kind of girl do you think I am, anyway?"

"Uhh?"

"If you're wondering, that question is rhetorical. The point is, I keep turning you down because of what you keep asking me." Ann said, exasperated. It sounded as though the conversation had been going on for sometime.

"What do you want me to ask you?" Sirius asked, raising his voice.

"If you asked me out properly, and nicely, I might add, I might just say yes." Ann said. Lily and James could hear her walking away.

"Women!" Sirius cried bitterly to the night sky before following her in.

James and Lily looked at each other and burst out laughing.


A/N – I hope I didn't disappoint anyone by not having Lily confront James! I just didn't think she'd ever forgive him. If they're ever going to work, she had to trust him enough to tell him herself, and that would never happen if she knew James had been sneaking around. I don't want you all to think he's some kind of creepy guy, either. James at the end of the last chapter is still thinking very much like a sheltered mischievous boy. He knew something was up, but he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he followed her. Anyway I'm really interested to hear what you guys think about how i played it out!

Thanks to Halfbloodhannah, lemonwedges4 (love the SN), like wat u see, and izthedoodler for reviewing.

Miss SJB – I'm happy to distract you! And so funny about your friend, I love it when live art imitates live (even if it is by accident!)

Erinye – I know exactly what kind of stories you're talking about and it's exactly what I wanted to avoid. Having been through what Lily's going through myself, people are much more likely to stare awkwardly at you when you tell them whats going on then to throw their arms around you and proclaim their undying and unconditional love. ESPECIALLY 17 year old boys, lovely and indispensable as they are!