N/A: Only continued because of the kind people who encouraged me to... Hope I didn't let you down with this chapter. Sorry it took so long! I've been re-reading Rebel Angels obsessively. Libba Bray is the coolest author that I know of. Steph ain't got nothing on her Awesome. You can hate me for that, I don't care...
Why You Care
Oh, the humiliation, I thought as when we entered the store. A vampire shopping for food would sound ridiculous even to a human.\
"Do you like pasta," I asked her.
"Uh, yeah," she sighed, probably annoyed that asked what she liked every new section of the store we moved to. "I know how to make spaghetti, but I'll need sauce," she answered as she walked down the isle to get it.
I had gotten much better a recognizing the needs of the living: Breakfast in the morning, lunch at 12, a snack at 5, dinner at 9, shower at 11, sleep at 12. I think I had her running at a pretty good schedule. Keeping her alive wasn't as hard as I thought it would be
"Easier than babysitting my little sister," I told her one night while she ate.
"You have a sister," she asked, intrigued as always about my past.
"Had," I corrected her. "Her name was Lillian. She was prettiest little girl I had ever seen, but something happen - she got sick or something, I don't remember much about my life with a pulse."
"Do you have any siblings," I asked her, starting a conversation that lasted for hours.
Bella really brought out the talker in me. The only person I had talked this much to was Laurent. James and I spoke with silent words that trembled through lips in our kisses. I never really had to share my humanity with him. We only wanted to know about the now, not the dead.
"I don't know why we had to do this," I complained as we started down the road from the grocery store. "It would have been free if I just broke in. Like I did to get the brand new clothes we were wearing."
"It was free either way, because you didn't actually work for the money used to buy this," she snapped, making me conger up patience.
"You didn't say anything about the clothes I jacked." I said lowly.
She didn't mope about those because it was better than walking around in big shirts. I could have cared less. I had been wearing the same pair of clothes for months, but she was human and enjoyed things like panties and bras...
"You don't really need this," I said swinging the bag of undergarments above her head, so she could not reach them. "Your breast are fine without being tapped down."
Blushing furiously, she jumped up as high as she could and snatched the bag, really just ripped it open.
I started to noticed things like that - the distinctions that make humans different from each other. It took a week to notice how small she was – little waist, wrists, thighs, breast, and hands. She was also pretty short compared to me... I'm a good five inches taller than her. One of the things I took most note of was the way she looked at me... Her eyes were always curious and waiting. In the night, while she would sleep, I would just lay on the bed next to her, not really watching her, but pondering over what her daytime gazes meant.
The second week had come around, no sign of Edward, or even that there was a girl from Washington missing, which was odd considering her father was an officer.
"He's not coming," she promised me while watching the sun fall behind the tall pine trees.
"I think he will..." It had been two weeks. I know he must have heard some news of her disappearance from someone. "He's probably on his way as we speak, with the super crew behind him." His family would no doubt come looking for Bella as well. "They all love you, Bella."
She turned to me, and with a pleading looking her eyes whispered, "He doesn't care. He doesn't want me. He told me."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, you are so young... He wants you. He loves you. I mean, I don't really know all that much about your relationship, but what I saw held as much passion as mine and James. From what you've told me about his and his families exodus, it sounds like he's trying to be noble and let you live life.
Honestly it sounds cruel. To love something so frail; to have the ability to make a seraph of power out of the beautiful but fading flower, but instead, just lets it waste away. But I guess I can see his reasoning: I don't think you have the stomach to be a vampire." I teased.
She smiled, but didn't try to answer. We didn't speak anymore that night, just fell into companionable silence.
I really never understood it! She was not beautiful... just plain, just a girl. I was still in deep mourning for James. But above all, she was not suppose to be what she was to me – precious. Her place in my mind shifted to the opposite side of the board at an credible rate – a month and a half.
Never have I enjoyed displacement so much before... Everything was wrong. Everything had changed. I lost sight of the "plan". My determination diminished as my eyes caught the very jaded and insignificant color of brown. The only thing that haunted me now was guilt and the idea of what I used to be. I didn't even fully remember what that was...
I do remember that I never dreamed, but repetitively found myself staring at her and seeing what wasn't there. I do remember that I had no sympathy for any of the weak, the fragile, the human, but now, sympathy(sometimes nervousness) was all I felt for her slow reactions, backwards feet, defective equilibrium, save for the immense desire and the complexity of emotions I felt for her. There's a lot more of myself that I remember, but it does not level out the parts I don't remember; They seem to the parts that James gave me.
Did she notice something different in me?
She became more fearful of me it seemed: When I'd lean in closer to her, pulled by an invisible force, she'd stop breathing and just stare at me, her heart racing faster and faster with each second. No matter what it was she was doing, when I got in a certain range of her, she'd stop, freeze up, take a shuddery breath in and not exhale it. I'd watch with curiosity the first few times, trying to figure out why this bothered her, we were still a good foot away from the possibility of our skin touching(something that only really had happened about dozen times in the past month and a half).
It hurt when she'd react that way. It made me feel disappointed, unwanted, monstrous, evil. One thing I hadn't lost in the shot time was my innate reactions; when someone hurts me, I get angry.
After about the 3rd time she'd do that, I yelled for the uncontrollable act. Every time she cowered away, covering her ears, sometimes small tears of fear would splash on her light red, still bruised(but healing) cheeks a I screamed at her, and occasionally destroyed something in the cabin – a sculpture, mirror, lamp, or something that was not used often.
Then, suddenly, one day, she seized up when I was trying to find resolve in her sent, already frustrated with everything, I snapped, again, and punched through the wall that she was leaning on, a few inches away from her face. She didn't do much other than flinch and take a sharp breath. There were no tears, no running away, no fear for her life in her eyes but almost understanding.
"I'm sorry," she said, looking down. "I don't mean to... You just..."
She didn't finish her sentence, so I did for her. "Scare you!"
She bit her lip and shook her head. "No... I mean yes, of course you do, but there more than that. It just startles me that's all."
I wasn't really understanding what she was trying say. "'Startles you'? What do you mean." I asked her in one breath, anxious to understand.
She didn't answer but blushed.
"Is it possible for you to stay one color?," I asked her, not able to retain myself.
She blushed more, but grinned. "Is it possibly for you to not sparkle?"
I had to laugh at the clever come back. "Whatever..." I rolled my eyes. "Please just try to explain this to me."
She turned her eyes from her feet to my face and asked in a passionate voice,"Can you explain to me why you care?"
I held her brave gaze for such a long time, wishing she would falter under mine, leaving me free from giving the product of that equation, but it was apparent she wanted an answer.
"Because," I began, not having a clue how to answer so I lied. "Because... It annoys me."
"Oh," she said kind of smugly.
"Now tell me what I'm missing in your reason?" I begged.
She turned red again. "It's the... the..."
"Just say it, Bella," I yelled.
"It's the way you look at me," she blurted out. "You look at me as if you want me, and that is the fear I feel. I do not know when you are going to kill me, Victoria, so the thought is always on my mind."
It made sense, but there was more - I could tell. "That's not all." It wasn't a question.
She looked back to her feet. "You make me nervous... Your closeness make me feel endangered, but not by death..."
My heart did back flips with this confession. It sounded like I was making her feel something she was too young to understand... An animal lust started to form rocks my reasoning skills, making everything speed up and jump to a strange, very sudden mood.
Blinded by desire I had felt for so long, and just then realized, I leaned in on her again, grinning. "Nervous, huh?"
Her breathing stopped immediately, but she nodded frantically.
"Why is that?," I whispered, getting closer to her than ever before; we were only inches apart - I could feel her warm skin radiate waves of heat to my own.
She didn't answer, just closed her eyes.
My intentions must have been clear as day to her, even if she was young. I just held that position between us until, she started to breath. She let out a whooshing breath that mingled with my own. Her bottom lip quivered lightly as she tried to breath.
She opened her eyes and looked into mine. I saw myself in the brown of her – fierce, hungry, wanting. I was letting something in me take hold. I was scaring hell out of myself, but I refused to turn it off now.
"This is you're last chance. Why?," I said lowly, putting my hands on either side of her face, and slowly leaned down, cutting off the little space that was left between us. My face reached the top of her hair and my lips gently caressed her forehead.
Her heart sounded as if it was about to burst, but it didn't - she did. "Because I don't like it!," she nearly shouted, stunning me in my place.
My chest felt like it had just been rammed into something stronger than me at the promise in her voice. I had let myself fall for something too innocent, and stupidly believed I wasn't going to hit the ground... Why am I disappointed?, I asked myself.
"I apologize," I groaned into her hair, trying not to let the sob break through my lips.
In a pace she would not even be able to see, I ran from the cabin, into the trees, and in the direction of the nearest city. That night I killed a girl with brown eyes the same shade as Bella's. She was pale, short, thin skinned, petite, and plain... I drank from her without the slightest thought or desire.
"Laurent," I whispered brokenly into the cell phone I found in the SUV, talking to no one but his cell phones answer machine. "I need you... It's much more difficult than... I can't explain. I really need your guidance right now. Please call me."
N/A:
Yeah... I did it... I don't really like it, but I did it - skipped around until I was nice and far into the future that's really the past! I supose now I should thank you for reading! =-D
