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Disappointed in us


Thorin walked towards his baby boy who had seized poor Brunar by the shoulders and was tackling him to the ground rather successfully. The other boy was trying to get released, but Thrárin wouldn't have it.

Lady Íth was attempting to make them see reason. "Please stop. Prince Thrárin please let Brunar go…don't you see that his face is becoming all red?" She looked upset at the tangled mess of arms and legs.

Thrárin forced Brunar down again with an ease that worried his poor mother even more. "No, he has to win me in order for me to let him go. Daddy says so!"

Íth cupped her mouth and stifled a cry when she saw Thrárin grinding Brunar's cheek on the rough ground. "He seems to be hurting darling. Please I beg you let him go and I will take you both to the kitchens to make you some honey cakes!" She tried to lure them into abandoning their fight.

These words didn't deter Thrárin who kept on rolling and twisting above a groaning Brunar who was making a valiant effort to get rid of his friend. "No!" He rebuked.

Íth placed her palms over her eyes and tried to calm down her galloping heart. All her instincts were telling her to jump in and stop them, but a deep voice halted her before she ever had the chance to do so.

"Allow them to learn their weaknesses and their strengths through this harmless game, my Lady." Thorin said evenly.

Íth looked up sharply. "Sir, forgive me…but…but look at my poor son. He will have a bloody cheek if I don't stop them now." She turned her apprehensive eyes towards Brunar.

Thorin crossed his arms behind his back and scowled. "A young warrior Lord in the making like Brunar cannot worry about trifles such as these. Besides I don't see him having too much trouble."

Íth pointed at them. "The Prince is keeping him pinned down. Brunar cannot get released."

Thorin's mouth formed a discreet smile. "Allow him the opportunity to try and don't break his concentration with your edgy voice."

Íth inhaled and looked at him vexed beyond reason. "Can you please stop them or else I will do it!"

Thorin raised his brow at her. "Walk back with me and keep your voice down, can you do that?"

Íth faltered and looked at her son with dread.

Thorin didn't hesitate when he engaged her elbow. Then he walked away pulling her along with him. When they were at a safer distance he released her arm. "They are boys and boys acquire their strong points through clashes, not through negotiations. That is the prerogative of women, not ours."

Íth gazed fearfully at the boys and her jawline flexed. "What if he gets hurt?"

Thorin frowned. "Oh, he most certainly will get hurt. Not only once, but several times in his life…if he wants to become a warrior that is."

Íth's troubled eyes turned to the King. "A warrior you say..."

Thorin shrugged calmly. "Even if he doesn't choose the life of a warrior he will have to learn how to defend himself. Unless you want to keep him under locks forever. That is the only way to keep him safe from getting hurt in a world that is ruled by the sword, the arrow and the axe, my Lady."

Íth averted her eyes with a deep frown.

"If you want to give him the opportunity to live outside the boundaries of your protection, then you must allow him to learn through trial and error. This precious knowledge hails from failures, like this one." Thorin gestured towards the ongoing fight with his head.

"Even though he is the only one I have left in my life and I would do anything not to see him hurt?" Ith's eyes welled.

Thorin stare was intense. "You think I want my children to get hurt?"

Íth shook her head quickly. "No, Sir of course not."

"The world out there is rough and ready to eat them up alive. We have two choices. Either shield them from the monsters forever or get them ready to eat up the world instead. Which one would you choose?" Thorin continued with a composure Lady Íth envied.

She looked at her hands, which became tight fists. It took her several moments to speak. "I wish to get him ready for the world."

Thorin's head bobbed softly. "Then allow him to test his strengths and get hurt in the process."

Íth cupped her mouth and looked at the boys again. She had to force herself in order to remain next to the King and not jump in the middle of the fight and break them up. Brunar groaned, moaned, twisted his body under Thrárin's tight grip and just when their parents expected this to be over soon with Thrárin as the conqueror, Íth's son surprised all of them.

With a sudden burst of energy he kicked Thrárin in the stomach, threw him to the ground and came on top of him victoriously. "Yeah! Get that you little midget!" he cried enthusiastically. Even though Íth's heart erupted with pride and overflowed with relief, her eyes fell anxiously at the King expecting him to be mad that her son was now tackling the Prince so crudely. Instead she was surprised to see him completely unaffected.

Thorin's low hum drummed through Íth's spine. "Hmm, I think your son has got a lot of potential."

Íth felt her lips curling up in a content smile. "He managed to turn this over, didn't he?" She sounded genially amazed.

Thorin's brow flicked critically. "Even though he was in a seriously disadvantageous position he managed to bring Thrárin down. Very good."

Íth's eyes betrayed insecurity. "Maybe we should stop them now, before the Prince gets hurt?"

Thorin's azure eyes turned to her calmly. "Thrárin challenged your son and now he is getting what he deserves. We don't intervene unless they stop themselves."

Íth closed her eyes and felt her mouth curling up in a faded smile. "I cannot believe how cool you seem to be through all this."

Thorin shrugged casually. "I was raised a warrior and I do the same to my kids. This means nothing to me. It is just an ordinary game taking place in a rather ordinary day."

Íth rubbed her forehead feeling dreadfully embarrassed for over-reacting before. "If you hadn't come, I would have stopped them."

"I know." Came the soft reply.

Íth's lips turned down regretfully and it took her several moments to voice her innermost thoughts. "When my husband was alive he used to train Brunar. After he was gone…I…I mean…my son had the opportunity to train with others, but I …."

Thorin looked at her silently.

"I didn't allow him." She spoke with a hushed tone.

He looked at the boys who stopped their fight and were now helping each other up. "I understand."

Íth felt the need to elaborate even though it wasn't asked. "It is not that I didn't wish for my son to learn the art of war, but after the death of his father I didn't have the fortitude to see him hurt….I don't know if I am making any sense to you."

Thorin's eyes were reflective. "You are."

Íth stippled her fingers in front of her skirt and scowled at the ground. "The way I reacted today to this little skirmish between them…. you must think that I am the personalization of ridiculousness."

The hairpin on the side of Thorin's mouth curled up. "I don't think so. You are merely protective, which is quite understandable especially in view of your husband's loss. You are not doing anything I don't imagine my wife doing if I was gone."

Íth's smile was tentative. "My father and my uncle raised me as a warrior Sir. I know how to wield a sword and I am a good archer. I have defended the lands of my uncle and I have stood by my father's side on several occasions without fear. Still seeing my son hurt makes me want to lash out in order to protect him. I don't want to see him in the place of my father or my uncle facing foes with sword in hand ready to die for his kin."

He gave her a lopsided smile of understanding. "I don't want to see my boys in danger either. Still I cannot keep them locked up forever, can I?"

She smiled at her palms and shook her head. "No."

"So you are a fierce dwarrowdam who can wield a sword. Hence the warrior braid?" Thorin raised his brow.

She looked at his stunning eyes briefly, but didn't dare keep them because their intensity made her quiver. "Yes, my Lord."

Thorin sighed and turned his attention to the kids. "Even though you may have fought like a man in the past, your current fear of death is keeping your son from discovering himself. Don't do that to him. Allow him to fail, to get hurt, to grow and improve like all the other boys."

Íth inhaled deeply and felt her heart skirting. "You sound exactly like my husband."

Thorin tilted his head. "I sound exactly like every father who'd like to see their son come to their own."

Íth averted her eyes and nodded silently.

"He clearly has a fire in his heart that needs the proper guidance. I say the same words to my wife when she worries about our sons. I understand the pain of your loss, but don't allow that to take over the upbringing of your boy. It will be such a shame." Thorin continued calmly.

Íth raised her grey eyes to him and felt them welling with unbidden tears. "Losing a beloved is so painful my Lord... "

Thorin's brow flicked briefly and his lip formed a very bitter smile. "I know that pain well ..."

Íth's brows creased in confusion.

He gazed at her fleetingly. "Don't look so bewildered."

Íth shook her head. "Forgive me Sir, I didn't meant to appear so shocked about something so..." She just couldn't find the proper words.

Thorin spoke over her calmly. "...unexpected."

Íth inhaled deeply and her eyes penetrated him for several thoughtful moments before she offered him a timid smile. "Unexpected indeed. Let me express my condolences to you Sir."

Thorin sighed deeply. "It matter not as it was a long time ago. I just mentioned it so you can understand how easy it is for me to empathize with the pain of our loss, especially at the way it happened." -He paused and a dark shadow covered his brow, which Íth missed- "I must admit that you have a very difficult task ahead of you. Raising your son alone cannot be easy."

Íth looked Thrárin who was pushing Brunar around playfully and felt a tear rolling down her cheek. "It is unimaginably hard, especially in a world that is made by men and belongs to them."

Thorin turned to her with a scowl. "Our kin might be dominated by men, but our women are treated like Queens. Everything we do is for them and for our children. This world maybe made by men, but in reality it belongs to you, doesn't it? We are only here to serve and protect you."

Íth's mouth formed an embarrassed smile and her cheeks blushed. "I never thought about it this way, but you are right your Majesty. I sounded so ungrateful..."

"No...of course not. I just put things back into perspective for you. I am doing the same thing for my beloved wife now and again as she tends to forget also." He smiled back at her.

Íth inhaled deeply and looked at the children who were now chasing each other as their giggles resounded all around meadow. "She forgets too?"

Thorin's brow shadowed and his eyes twitched for a brief moment before concentrating on Thrárin. "Sometimes yes…it's probably a female thing to forget what is most important at times, right?"

Íth remained thoughtfully silent for a long time and when she finally spoke again, Thorin almost jumped out of his skin as his thoughts had scattered to the four winds after that last sentence about Eilin. "It's a fault that belongs to all of us despite gender my Lord."

Thorin crossed his arms and decided to keep quiet after that unexpected slip of the tongue.

It was several moments later that Íth decided to speak again. "You know raising a son without a father is especially difficult since I cannot give my boy the male archetype he needs in order to develop properly. Add to that the grief and fear he feels from the loss of his father and there you have it. You can see where all his reserve has derived from."

Thorin's mouth formed a ghostly smile. "Well, apparently you haven't done such a bad job with him. He may have been hesitant to get involved at first, but he turned the fight around to his advantage rather adequately."

Íth puffed up proudly. "That's true, isn't it?"

Thorin threw her a watchful glance and his smile brightened. "You are just realizing his potential..."

Íth looked at him for a few silent moments and then her countenance seemed to open up. "Yes...I think so."

Thorin gestured at them. "Look at how happy they seem."

Íth nodded quickly. "Despite their scratches and bruises."

"Wounds are necessary badges of honor. Every man learns that from a very young age." Thorin rejoined pensively.

Íth's timid eyes lifted up to his face and explored the large scar on the King's forehead that had torn his right eyebrow in two. "I know, Sir."

Thorin nodded towards the boys who rushed to their parents. "Allow me to offer you this quick advice. Tend to his wounds, but don't make him feel guilty for engaging in this fight. Make him feel proud he won."

Íth's eyes seared in his. "I will…." –She hesitated- "Thank you."

Thorin's brows creased in confusion. "What about?"

Íth swallowed heavily. "You may have not realized it, but you kept me from falling apart this morning."

Thorin's mouth formed a calm smile. "Nonsense. I did nothing."

Íth shook her head quickly. "If you hadn't shown up, I would have lost it…"

Thorin's azure eyes turned to her inquisitively and remained on hers until Brunar fell in her arms with a cry of victory. "I did it mom! Did you see me?! I did it!"

"I know my love, you made me very proud. Winning over this mighty Prince of Erebor! Amazing!" Íth said and searched Thorin's face for the nod of approval which came quickly.

Thorin came down to one knee and grasped Thrárin's shoulder. "Are you okay son?"

Thrárin was pouting. "He is stronger than I thought."

Thorin smirked. "So what? Does your failure make your friendship for him weaker?"

Brunar looked at Thrárin fearfully. "Sorry I won. I don't want to lose you as a friend."

Thrárin shook his head and allowed his father to clear his hair from his scratched cheek. "No, I like what we did. Can we do it again so I can win you next time?"

Thorin turned playfully at Íth and offered her a dazzling smile. "So…can they?"

She remained looking at him mesmerized for several moments before nodding. "Sure they can."

"Good." Thorin offered her a wink and then turned his attention to Thrárin without noticing Íth's smile melting in a gaze towards him that looked absolutely spellbound. "Now we must go and wash your face before I take you back to mom. I don't want her to see you all bloody, okay?"

Thrárin stretched and nodded eagerly, not too preoccupied with his bruises and cuts. "Can I go and play with Brunar before we go to mommy?"

Thorin's brows wavered with indecisiveness and he looked at Íth who quickly avoided his eyes and felt her cheeks catching fire. "Do you have anything to do right now?"

Íth shook her head and started straightening the clothes of Brunar meticulously with the intention of avoiding the King's eyes completely. "No, Sir." Her voice was hushed.

"Then maybe you can escort the boys in their play?" Thorin tried to see her eyes, but she kept them lowered.

It took her several moments to collect herself enough in order to reply without hearing her voice breaking. "Of course I can, Sir."

Thorin frowned in momentary confusion at this sudden cold wave from her. "I don't want to sound impolite, but I have to leave…I should have been in the Throne room ages ago."

Íth inhaled sharply and looked up. She forced herself to smile, even though her eyes only engaged his for a brief moment before finding solace in the ground. "Of course Sir, forgive my silliness. I have kept you from your obligations way too long. Go and I will take care of these crazy harpies."

Brunar scowled. "I am not a harpy mom!" He cried.

Íth smiled at him and caressed his cheek. "Of course you aren't darling."

Thorin gave Thrárin a kiss on his forehead and offered her a lopsided smile she missed. "I am grateful for this."

Íth's teeth clenched and she looked up with great difficulty. "It will be an honor for me, Sir. When they finish I will return the little Prince to the Queen."

Thorin tilted his head elegantly. "Very well, I should be going."

Íth raised her hand to stop him. "Please Sir before you go. Allow me to show you my gratitude for today in some manner."

Thorin frowned. "That is not necessary, I assure you."

Íth spoke hastily, before she lost her courage. "You truly helped me overcome a great difficulty Sir. I would like to offer something back to you."

Thorin shook his head. "I need nothing honestly, but one can never know. You might be able to help me with some unforeseen difficulty someday too, right?"

Íth felt her heart skipping a beat and smiled to the ground. "I hope so."

Thorin's face brightened up with a serene smile. "Good morning my Lady."

Íth curtsied deeply and kept her eyes away from his. "Good morning your Majesty."

Thorin bowed his head elegantly and after giving one last look at Thrárin who was chasing Brunar he started walking back to Erebor without noticing that someone else had been keeping a close eye to his interaction with Lady Íth.


The same evening after Eilin had fallen asleep with a book cradled on her lap, on Thorin's favorite armchair and the children were safely tucked in their beds, Thorin found himself walking wearily down the silent corridor. The sentinels on the flanks of the main archway that led to the royal quarters didn't salute him, because there had been given strict orders to remain silent after a certain hour so as not to disturb the kids. His head was askew, a true depiction of how drained he felt from this demanding day which was full of meetings, barrack inspections, a ton of scrolls to go through and even more to sign and study. His day had been so full that after leaving Thrárin with Lady Íth he didn't get to see anyone else from his family.

He tiptoed close to the kids bedroom and placed his hand on the handle. He leaned his head on the door panel and closed his eyes. There was no sound coming from within so he pushed it open quietly and entered the dark room. They were all sleeping quietly. He made his usual rounds in order to check on them starting by Rhianaye who was hidden under her quilt up to her ears. He placed his palm on her forehead and she felt cool. Her breathing was soft and easy. He leaned down and gifted her forehead with a gentle kiss. Then he shadowed over Durin who was sleeping sprawled with the quilt trapped between his legs. Thorin smiled and untangled it gently, making sure his ferocious older son didn't wake up. He tucked him in, but Durin wouldn't have it. He groaned bothered and turned on his side bringing his leg over the quilt again. Thorin pressed his lips and shook his head vexed. He covered Durin up again and when he made sure his son was breathing heavily once more he kissed his temple. Then he walked carefully to Thrárin's bed and got ready to do the same, but he was welcomed with a pair of the prettiest blue eyes.

"Hi daddy." Thrárin whispered.

Thorin smiled and came down to one knee next to him. He cupped Thrárin's cheek. "Hey big guy, why are you still awake?"

Thrárin's lip pouted. "Couldn't sleep."

"Why so?"

"I kept thinking about your porridge." Thrárin said.

Thorin's face acquired a surprised expression. "Are you hungry?"

Thrárin shook his head, hesitated and then nodded. "Not now daddy, but can you make me some for tomorrow?"

Thorin caressed his red curls away from his freckled nose. "Sure my love. First thing in the morning I will have it ready for you, okay?"

Thrárin's face animated up with a beautiful smile. "Thanks daddy, but can you make a lot of it?!"

Thorin frowned feeling amused. "Like enough for all your siblings and your mom?"

Thrárin rolled his eyes around thinking. "Uhm, more…"

Thorin's mouth formed a stunning smile. "Are you that hungry my little rascal?"

Thrárin munched his bottom lip and then giggled. "I will be that hungry tomorrow! I promise!"

Thorin pulled Thrárin's hand and kissed it gently. "Then I promise to make enough porridge to feed an army. Will that do for you?"

Thrárin nodded eagerly. "Yeah! Enough porridge to feed everyone who is hungry!"

Thorin's lips formed a sweet lopsided smile. "Now can you try to get some sleep, before we manage to wake up everyone?"

Thrárin closed his eyes and crossed his arms above his chest. "Yes, daddy."

Thorin laughed lightly and kissed his forehead. "Good night my love."

"Nighty night!" Thrárin whispered and peeped at his father quickly before closing his eyes again.

Thorin smiled at his boy and then walked quietly at the door that led to his rooms. He slid it open, passed through and then made sure it remained slightly ajar so they could hear the children if they needed something during the night. He took off his velvet vest and got ready to undress in order to join Eilin in bed, happy that after several days he would be able to stretch properly. He turned around and there he froze with his vest at hand.

A faded smiled brightened up his countenance as he revered at Eilin resting with a stillness that felt so familiar. As a couple after the birth of the twins they always seemed to be in overdrive. He was torn between his family and the Kingdom and she was trying to give the best of herself to the twins and subsequently to Thrárin. When they were not running after the children, they were pulled every which way by their royal obligations and when they found a chance to calm down they usually passed out in bed from exhaustion. Only to wake up the next morning in order to repeat the process. They rarely if ever had a quiet moment. As for their intimate ones, they were even more hastened and rare. Still Thorin didn't have a problem with all that.

He was aware that after children life would never be just Eilin and him. He was certain that their priorities would shift and remain uneven for the rest of their lives. He knew they wouldn't be able to have all those passionately intense moments whenever they wished. They couldn't just up and go on a trip upon a whim. They couldn't hide from the world and their obligations just in order to get lost into each other….still….it was alright. His love for Eilin was so much more than all of that combined. His very soul was entwined with hers. Those frivolous setbacks and the inevitable fatigue of having three children meant little to him in view of the devoted affection he felt for his woman, which hadn't dithered a single moment since he met her.

If someone asked him what was the only thing that could pull him apart concerning his marriage, he would answer without second thoughts it was their arguments about the kids, but above all their constant bickering about her father. Those were the only things that were worrying him lately. The moments that made him feel like he was slowly losing the strong connection he had always treasured with Eilin. Maybe he was making too big a deal out of this as Dis had already told him. Couples fought over their children and over family issues. They weren't the first ones to lose the magic of those first years were everything was just their love for each other.

Dis explained that she had lost that magic with her husband after the birth of Fili and that arguments started settling in regularly especially when their kids were too young. Still her love and devotion never faded away. He believed his sister with all his might…nevertheless he was not sure he was able to stop worrying. He was deeply troubled when he felt Eilin slipping away from his fingers during another upsetting visit from a candidate who was there to break her heart with his lies. At those moments Eilin became cold and distant, a mere shadow of her true self and it was impossible for Thorin to approach her, which ultimately made him pull away from her, feeling inadequate for her anymore.

Maybe he was making a big deal out of it….

Maybe some days were simply getting to him more than others….

Maybe he was reminiscing the perfection of the old days and he was feeling sad they couldn't share these feelings anymore….

…..So standing there, quietly observing Eilin as she slept on her armchair felt as if he had stepped to another timeline. When their children hadn't been born yet and when her lineage was a mere shadow at the back of their minds and not a huge monster chasing her sanity every single day and night. She had always slept so serenely when he was playing music for her back in those days, looking so carefree and calm and he wanted to cherish this moment for everything it had to give him. His heart skirted and suddenly came alive, sending a shudder of pleasure through his veins as the memories of those days coursed through his mind, making him very aware of how much him and her have lost during all these years…

….but also how much they have gained. His eyes looked at the half opened door of the kids bedroom and he remembered Thrárin begging him to make enough porridge to feed the whole of Erebor tomorrow. His lips upturned in a sweet smile and his heart filled up with so much love it felt it was going to burst.

He placed his vest gently on the recliner and took off his boots as he didn't want to wake Eilin up with his heavy footsteps. He walked silently back to the armchair and leaned over her. When his hand cupped hers, he frowned at how frozen she felt. He touched her forehead gently and after making sure she was not feverish he decided that she was too cold to remain there just in order to appease his hunger for those old, more intimate days. He had to tuck her in bed and to make sure she got warmer. He slid his arms around her shoulders and under her knees and picked her up easily. The book that was open on her lap slid and fell to the floor.

She stirred in his arms, her hand moved smoothly up his chest and cupped his neck. She pulled her face up until her lips warmed his skin and his spine curled inwards at this caring touch. "Hi, handsome." Her breath send shivers chasing after his skin.

His lips smoothed upon her forehead and gave it a gentle peck. "Hi, beautiful." He whispered.

She wrapped both arms around his shoulders and huddled at the hollow of his neck. "Don't take me to the bed."

He frowned and caressed her back. "Why not? You are frozen."

"Can we sit together in the armchair, like we did back in the old days?" Her hushed voice sounded so reflective, his heart twitched painfully.

He sighed deeply and walked back to the armchair. He sat with her in his arms and pulled the forgotten quilt that was on its arm, above both of them. He tucked her in securely and kissed her forehead. "Is that better?"

Her body instantly relished the heat that emanated from his and got trapped under the quilt, radiating upon her frozen and stiff members. She shivered gratefully. "Yes…"

His large palm traced her spine carefully. "How was your day?" He asked quietly.

"Fine…" She cringed and snugged against him.

"Just fine?"

She took in a deep breath. "I woke up to a nasty nightmare of the cottage again. We visited the river with the twins and fixed the nets between the two shores and left them there all night to catch fish for tomorrow's lunch. We went on a rather long walk close to the borders of Mirkwood and I had to listen to Durin yammering constantly about the whispers that no one else could hear, but him. We came home, fixed lunch, ate it without you" –Thorin felt the reproach- "took the children to the star fountains with Dis and Lis joined in. I left the kids with them and then passed the remaining afternoon accepting visits."

He frowned and his palm smoothed down her side in a comforting and gentle touch she yearned to feel. "What kind of whispers was Durin hearing?"

She raised her brows and shook her head. "You tell me. I have no idea. I couldn't hear anything. Maybe you could ask him, these things seem to run on your side of the family. Premonitions, intuition, bloody whispers."

He heard the reprimand in her voice and he tried to lighten up the mood. "Well, I haven't heard any whispers for a long time."

Her mouth formed a faded smile. "Ask him, maybe you will be able to understand what he was trying to explain to me better."

He sighed calmly. "I will. Well, you guys seemed to have had a busy day then…."

"Not too busy to see you though…we missed you during lunch and during dinner..." There was another thrash of scolding in that sentence and he felt it instantly.

"My day was not easy either. Forgive me for missing out on you." He rejoined with a hushed tone.

She hesitated for a moment. "Did you even eat the food I send up to your office?"

He shook his head. "Not until much later. I was at the barracks until afternoon and then at the armory. I went to the office late at night."

She exhaled and leaned her head on his chest. "Your day sounds hard too."

"We both had it hard today my dove."

Her head bobbed quietly. "Maybe we should both go to bed. Get some sleep, while we can…."

He pressed his lips and closed his eyes. "I prefer to sit like this with you. We haven't done this in a long time. Besides sleep is overrated."

A ghostly smile appeared on her mouth and her palm came up to cup his jawline. "Alright my lifeline…."

His brows furrowed. "What?"

She passed her arm under his armpit and clutched his back firmly. "Have I ever told you that you are my lifeline?"

He exhaled and kissed her forehead. "I don't think so….."

She opened her eyes and looked at the smooth fabric of his tunic musingly for several moments. "If you ever stop keeping me grounded to earth I will scatter…everything on me will tear to threads of nothingness."

He frowned and pulled her in possessively. "What are these words now?"

She felt his touch as comforting and reassuring as ever and cherished it. "I wanted to tell them to you since this morning, but I never got a chance…you see you were too busy…"

Thorin felt the slight change in her tone and his brows creased. "Why did that sound like another half hidden reproach, which followed a lovely compliment and why am I feeling so confused by you right now?"

A pondering hum left Eilin's lips and she resettled herself on his lap so her lips were ghosting a thick vein on the side of his neck. She kissed it gently. "Because I am chastising you. Why didn't you come find me today to ask me how I am?"

He frowned, but his eyes remained closed as his body relished the smoothness of her lips. "I was in over my head Eilin…What is all this tonight? It is not as if we hadn't done this before…We have gone all day without meeting at all."

"Today I needed to talk to you. I wanted you so much…" Her whisper came out broken and her mouth opened up to allow her lips to latch on his prickly skin.

His fingers tensed on her shoulders. "If you needed me so much then why didn't you come find me, like you always do?" He sounded as confused as he felt. This sudden shift of energy from her was making him go haywire.

She placed her palms on his chest and pushed herself up slowly. She threw a leg over him and settled on his lap snugly. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she leaned down until their foreheads were touching. "I woke up to a blood curdling nightmare and I needed to you to find me, to ask me how I felt …."

He opened his eyes and looked at her, feeling baffled. "How was I supposed to know about your nightmare? Had I known I would have come to you, believe me."

Eilin paused and her brows came together. Her nose butted his and her lips trapped his half open mouth with a gentleness that made him gasp. "Would you have come indeed?

"What kind of question is that?" His hands curled around her biceps, keeping her there.

Eilin released a broken exhalation on his lips and closed her eyes. "I am just asking…" She whispered and captured his bottom lip between hers, nibbling it softly.

He allowed her to taste him for several moments, feeling her lips waking him up slowly, before pulling back gently. "Eilin, am I being sexually pursued at this moment or accused about something?"

"Both…" she hissed and her hot lips lingered above his for several tense moments. He leaned his head back and allowed her to fondle his mouth with her gentle touch. The first kisses were mellow and soft allowing him to reciprocate, but the more she kissed him the more demanding she became until finally she cupped his face keeping him to her and her tongue slithered out to demand entrance. He didn't hesitate to come out to meet her in a confused exploration that sparked his body with an instant fire that burned through his core.

His response to his wife remained as ardent as it had always been, yet this time her tongue swirled too roughly around his and her teeth became too demanding and downright painful. Her nails were too sharp on his skin, and her thighs too suffocating. He was becoming highly aroused, but also tensely chaotic, as if his body couldn't figure out a way to translate the messages she was giving him. When her fingers tunneled through his hair and pulled him aggressively on her neck, he frowned but obliged by opening his mouth and giving her a lascivious love bite that made her body quiver. When her other hand twisted painfully on his nape, he gasped and pulled back in protest. He lowered his pace, forced his hands to become softer and attempted to spoil her skin with gentle kisses. He was trying to relate to her that he was all for their intimacy, but he wanted to go slower. When her fingernails turned downwards and broke through his skin, he pulled back with a hiss of pain. He looked up, panting for breath with a deep scowl framing his beautiful eyes. "Eilin wait…"

She drew her nails away from his nape, leaving him with a tingling sensation that burned. She whacked his chest angrily. "What?!"

He reached out and curled his fingers around her wrists. "I want you, but not this way."

She drew her hands free and her eyes spewed fire at him. "You are always saying how much you have missed me and right when I decide to become intimate you stop me. I cannot get a footing with you!"

He looked apprehensively above his shoulder at the half open door to the kid's bedroom. "Not with that door open and certainly not with you sexually attacking me after borderline chastising me back there." He hissed, making a huge effort to keep his voice down.

Her shoulders slouched and she looked at her hands. "When did we lose the passion we always shared for each other, tell me…" Her voice sounded defeated.

Thorin's heavy arms came around her body and drew her in. She didn't resist. "Whoever told you that I lost my passion for you?"

Eilin closed her eyes. "The fact that you just pushed me away. What more do I need in order to know?"

He closed his eyes too and cupped the back of her head until he could cradle her under his chin protectively. "Did you even ask if I was in the mood for love or did you take it for granted?" He asked after a few moments.

Eilin frowned rather annoyed. "Why should you be against it? Don't you want me anymore?"

"No, not like this. Not a breath away from our kids. I am spent tonight. I come home to see you sleeping like an angel and I yearn to cuddle with you. Instead of allowing us a few moments of peace you are either prepared for another fight over your nightmares or for rough love. Did you even ask about my day?"

Her lips curled down and she pushed him away. She got down and started pacing in front of the fireplace, vexed. "Ask you about your day? Why? Did you ask me about my damned nightmare? Did you take some time off your endless obligations" –she colored those words with sarcasm- "to come ask me how I slept perchance?"

Thorin glared at her, but remained silent.

"Why should I ask you about your day then? I tried to get intimate with you. I tried to show you how much I need you right now and you pushed me away!" She snapped.

Thorin raised his hands at her. "First of all I didn't push you away. I simply told you to wait in order to take it more slowly. I felt your negative energy. I heard the reproaches from the first moment and I knew this was going to end up in another fight...another brawl practically over nothing!"

Eilin turned around sharply and glared at him. "My bloody nightmares might be insignificant to you, but not to me Thorin!"

He stood up and got into her face within two steps. "Insignificant? I have been trying to help you get over them ever since I met you..."

Eilin rolled her eyes and flayed her arms. "Oh, sorry for exhausting you with my darkness."

His fingers grabbed her wrists and pulled her close to him. "Stop that immediately!"

"Stop what!" She cried.

"Stop trying to twist my every word to make me sound like a damned inconsiderate jerk!" he rebuked.

"What do you want Thorin?!" She yelled at him and tried to release her arms.

He did so and she pulled back panting. He cupped his forehead and counted inwards in order to calm down his anger. When he felt partly ready to face her again he turned around, but his eyes were hard. "You know why I didn't stay for a drink with you the other night?"

Eilin wiped a tear away angrily and thrust her chin at him. "Why?"

"I knew we would end up fighting again..." -he spat and then gazed at the children's bedroom. He felt his stomach dropping and cringed painfully. He cursed under his breath and closed the door gently- "And now we are probably going to wake them up with another disagreement. That's great…."

Eilin averted her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "I was not predisposed that day to fight with you and neither was I today. I showed you what I wanted today pretty clearly!"

Thorin shook his head and his jawline clenched. "No, tonight you wanted to accuse me of indifference from the get go. You wanted to vent your anger towards me in some manner...whatever manner that maybe, even rough love... What did I do to invoke anger from you this evening?"

Eilin shook her head and her red curls covered her sweaty brow. "I wanted you to ask me about my nightmare and comfort my fears..."

Thorin threw his hands in the air. "Haven't I done that a million times before?..."

Eilin halted and looked at him with wounded eyes.

"Countless times I caressed you as you emptied all your fears in my arms. I heard about the nightmares of the cottage unwearyingly and tried to reassure you again and again...nights upon nights...and days upon days. I tried to offer consolation, to make you feel safe, to make you forget, to heal you...still what did I manage after all this time?" Thorin hurled at her.

Eilin wiped away more tears and sniffled, but didn't answer.

"What did I manage!?" He hissed.

She jerked back and looked at him with wide eyes.

Thorin clenched his fists. "Nothing...absolutely nothing..." His voice suddenly diminished like a flame that went out…and that felt even more terrifying than any anger Eilin had experienced up till then.

She didn't know what to tell him.

"I cannot help you...I feel bloody useless. I cannot heal you, I cannot make you forget, I cannot console you and this is eating us up, don't you see?" Thorin's eyes broke.

She made an attempt to approach him. "Don't say that, you are my lifeline."

"Your lifeline to what Eilin? Real life or the world of dreams? Because sometimes I don't know were you are residing anymore...Are you here with us or in that damned cottage with your father..." Thorin's voice was truly spent at that moment.

Eilin took a few steps closer to him and he didn't move. "I don't want to do this to you..." She tried.

"Yet you are doing it to me, but worst of all you are doing it to yourself! You are pulling yourself apart and throwing your torn pieces to the wind...and I cannot help you. You are not allowing me to help you. These damned nightmares set you back time and time again and I feel like I am losing you..." He paused and inhaled deeply, feeling his eyes overflowing with tears.

Eilin threw herself on him in mad desperation. "No! This isn't happening to us...it isn't! You are just tired and I overburdened you with this dream again. I shouldn't have...please don't talk like this..."

Thorin's arms came greedily around her and he buried his head on her hollow of her neck. "I know how much this is hurting you, my Eilin. I know how much it is destroying you and I despair at my inability to help you. You are drifting away from me and I cannot help you."

Eilin kissed his bearded cheek and pressed her teary eyes on his temple. "No my love I am not. I am always here, loving you. I just need time to get through this...I need time to make the nightmares stop."

Thorin exhaled hard and his hot breath send goosebumps chasing her skin. "How can they ever stop unless you put a stop on them yourself."

Eilin closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. Her arms squeezed him tight and he reciprocated. "Don't you think I wish that myself? Don't you know that I walk out of our rooms every morning apprehensive that another crook will come declaring he is my father? Don't you think I know that I am the only one who can fix myself?"

Thorin closed his eyes and enfolded her closer. "I told you that no one will ever pass to you anymore. The orders have been given."

"Still..."Eilin whispered.

He squeezed his eyes tight. "Still if you don't give this a closure yourself, it will haunt us forever."

"How...?" She muttered lost.

"Let me actively search for him..."

Eilin drew away quickly and turned her back at him. "No!" She raised her hand.

His fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her back. "Listen to me Eilin. This is breaking us apart. I need your help. I cannot do this alone, please."

Eilin shook her head and her eyes were full of terror. "I will do anything, but that Thorin. I will not search for him. I will not subject myself willingly to seeing him again and hearing his petty explanations about what happened. I won't destroy the silly hope I have that he might still be alive, by learning that he is probably dead."

Thorin shook his head and his hand landed on her shoulder, pressing it firmly. "Are you even listening to yourself? You are both hoping to see him dead and alive at the same time."

Eilin turned around and gazed at him intensely. "Exactly! This is driving me insane and no matter how protected you think I am behind the golden doors of Erebor, no amount of soldiers will ever stop my nightmares."

Thorin felt his eyes welling again. "And no amount of love from me..as it seems."

Eilin's demeanour took a plunge and she reached up to cup his hand. "No...don't ever say that. Your love is my lifeline..you don't understand Thorin..."

He raised his brow. "I understand that I cannot help you."

Eilin's heart broke into a thousand pieces. "Thorin I love you..." She whispered.

He pulled her in and she snuggled under his chin, closing her eyes. His heavy arms came around her shoulders and he felt her body letting go of something. "I cannot fight with you anymore for this Eilin. I cannot help you get through it and you know what is the worst part of it all?"

Eilin's arms slithered under his armpits and grasped his shoulder blades in near desperation. "What?" She squeezed her eyes tight, fearing his answer.

"That even though I should be here offering to help you...I am here asking for your help instead." He whispered defeated.

Eilin closed her eyes and released a broken sigh. "I know..."

Thorin's lips lingered close to her temple for a few moments before offering it a gentle peck that made Eilin shudder. He huffed and tunneled his hand through her hair. "Maybe I should have allowed you to make love to me before. We would have blown off some steam and it would have been easier than this mess, right?" He whispered in her ear.

She nodded fiercely and clutched him in despair. "Yes, you should have."

His large warm palm burrowed under her fur vest and rubbed her back soothingly. "Yet we don't need it easy baby girl, do we?"

She shook her head with the same fervor. "No."

"We need to solve this mess and that won't be easy..." Thorin whispered and gave a gentle kiss on the soft skin of her neck.

She shuddered. "How...I don't know how to do that."

Thorin closed his eyes. "I don't know either."

She cuddled in his arms and trembled from her head to toes. This argument had drained her emotionally, but she didn't want anything more than to be in his arms forever.

He felt it and drew her in protectively. "You are shivering."

She nodded. "I am cold." Her teeth were clattering.

He looked at the empty fireplace. "You want me to light it up?"

She shook her head. "No, I just want to get in bed."

"Come on...I think we both have had enough for today." -He said quietly and led her there. He helped her off her vest and tucked her in. Then he sat at the side of the bed and looked down at her lovingly- "Better?"

Her hand sneaked out of the quilt and cupped his cheek. "Won't you get in with me?"

He released an exhausted sigh and pulled back some rebellious red locks that were hiding her neck. "Thrárin asked me for enough porridge to feed a brigade tomorrow. I wanted to go down and boil some chicken so I can have the broth ready for the morning."

Eilin's eyes fled searchingly at his face. "Tell Rhiannon to do it."

Thorin shook his head and his eyes smiled sadly at her. "He asked it from me...I cannot let him down like this."

Eilin's lips turned down. "Are you trying to avoid me because of what happened tonight?"

His brow clouded and he leaned down until his mouth ghosted upon her trembling lips. "I am just trying to be a good dad..." -He whispered and gave her a gentle peck- "And a good husband."

Eilin's mouth formed a ghostly smile and kissed him gently. "You are both..."

He humphed. "I might be succeeding more in one rather than the other, baby girl."

Eilin's brow furrowed. "No Thorin...that is so far away from the truth."

Thorin's gaze felt penetrative. "Is it though?" He let the thought linger.

Eilin pulled him in a tight hug that he reciprocated quickly. His hot breath scorched the softness of her neck as he turned and gave her several open mouth kisses that raised the hair all over her body. Her fingers tunneled through his mane. "Will you be late?"

"No..." came the hushed reply.

"Are you mad at me?" Her eyes watered.

The shadow on his brow extended to his eyes. "Not, just disappointed at us..."

Eilin closed her eyes and her fingers pressed his jawline possessively. "Me too, but please remember...you are my lifeline..." She added after several silent moments were tears cascaded down her cheeks.

He kissed her lips firmly. "And you are my whole life...you and the kids."

She nodded softly. "Please remain until I fall asleep."

He leaned down next to her and pulled her in close to his heart. Then his lips whispered closed to her ear. "Sleep, I shall remain guard."

The consoling words of ultimate safety that he always murmured in her ear when she was in distress ever since they met, were enough to make her exhale a whole bout of unease and close her eyes. Sleep came to her quickly, but the same abandon didn't extend to her husband.


"Get away from the door Rhianaye." Durin's voice was hushed and infinitely sad.

Rhianaye looked back at him. "They were fighting again..."

Durin turned around and gazed at the full moon that was visible from the small gap in the curtains. "They stopped now, come away from the door..."

"Why were they fighting again Durin?" Rhianaye's voice was barely heard. She tiptoed to his bed and sat next to him.

He looked at her and crossed his arms above his stomach. Then his eyes returned to the moon. "Adults have a way of complicating everything."

Rhianaye burrowed under his quilt and curled up into a ball next to him. "I know."

Durin's clear brow creased and he felt mild pain from his scar. "I don't want to become an adult."

Rhianaye trapped her hand under her cheek and looked up to him. "That means you will die young."

Durin's lips curled down. "Maybe then I can become an adult with a child's heart."

Rhianaye gazed at him musingly. "I don't think you will ever be able to do that..."

Durin frowned at her. "Why?"

Rhianaye shrugged. "Because dad always says you are an old soul trapped in a young body."

Durin's face fell and he remained silent.

Rhianaye's hand slid up and caught Durin's tightly. He looked at her and smiled. "Do you think mom and dad will be okay?" A shadow of fear toyed in her pretty eyes.

Durin's smile melted in a solemn frown. "Sure they will. They cannot live without each other. Auntie Dis says they are two halves of a whole."

Rhianaye settled down quietly and her eyes searched Durin's. "I don't like to hear them fight.."

Durin looked at the moon thoughtfully again. "Me neither. Now be quiet before we wake up Thrárin."

Rhianaye felt her eyelids heavy and relished the silent comforting figure of her big brother. She instantly felt her heart quieting down now that there were no more elevated voices coming from her parent's room and allowed sleep to overtake her.

Something that didn't happen for Durin, who remained for a long time silently bemusing at the moon, much like his father was doing in the other room.


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