Chapter 7
Gone
"It was good to see you again, Leia," Senator Lourd commented as he walked beside her through the villas' garden saturated by the scents of night flowers, evergreens, and Naboo's rare black roses. It was a peaceful night, with the two moons adorning the cloudless sky, bathing the scenery in ivory light. "Selena was sorry she couldn't make it to dinner. If you had given us a heads up warning that you would be visiting, then…"
"No need to apologize, Ron," Leia smirked back. "I'm glad you were able to see me under these conditions. And I hope to see Selena again. If…"
"If the Republic doesn't implode that is."
They both chuckled amicably.
There was a light breeze ruffling the leaves in the garden and fireflies followed their steps, illuminating the soft grass under their feet. It was serene and quiet and the evening scents enveloping her senses reminded her of a similar night, years and years ago, in a lost planet named Endor. A night when Han looked at her as if she was his world.
Leia's eyes misted and she blinked back the tears before the senator could take notice.
"Do you sincerely believe things are that bad?" She asked.
He sighed.
"They might be worse. It all depends on Naboo's meeting. If the worlds that took place in the battle of Coruscant decide to shun the worlds that didn't, then we might be talking about a schism in the Republic. And you know what that means."
"Boycotts, fights over trade routes and economic treaties."
"Which only leads inevitably to war."
"And with the remnants of the First Order lurking in the periphery," she trailed off.
The senator stopped. And looked at her with consternation.
"Leia, do you sincerely believe there is enough of the First Order to still be a real threat?"
Leia too stopped next to him. She nodded with seriousness.
"Yes. There must be more to the First Order than the battleships that escaped. I don't have anything in my hands to prove it. But, Ron…" She arched an eyebrow at him. "I have a bad feeling about this and you know how my hunches work out in the end…"
The Senator pursed his lips as his face fell into a grim expression.
"The First Order is very much a threat. That's what the Resistance will be focusing on," Leia added.
"That's what you have focused on from the very beginning. And you were right."
"I'm afraid so."
They resumed walking in silence for a little while longer, their steps bringing them to concrete ground as the villa's landing bay opened before them. The Millenium Falcon sat in its middle prepping for take- off.
"Anything new on Coruscant?" Leia asked, finally. It was the only subject they had forgotten to broach during their long dinner, filled with political discussions and debates. Deciding how the Republic would continue henceforth was important. And righting its failures and neglects was crucial.
"Coruscant's banking system was vast and had branches all over the galaxy," the senator informed her. "Which are still very much active. Its Governor is already using part of their surplus for the capital's restoration. Not to mention the deals he is already making to attract investors. It will take time, but I believe Coruscant will eventually rise from its ashes."
"Their governor survived?" Leia asked, a bit surprised to be honest with herself. The Senate District had after all been completely annihilated by the First Order Dreadnought. And had nearly cost her Ben's life.
"Apparently Kylo Ren didn't kill him. Speaking of which… Leia…" The senator came to a shuffled stop again, glancing at the two moons solemnly. He sighed and Leia could sense the sadness that emanated from him. "His body was never found in the ruins of the Senate Hall. Surely, you must be aware of that."
Leia regarded him for a long moment before answering.
"Yes."
Her hackles were already raised, trying to decipher where his questions would lead.
"Then you must realize that soon the Republic will be looking everywhere for him."
Another pause.
"I do."
"And you must understand that the first person they will come to is you."
Yes, she was very much aware of that.
"Ron, is there something you're trying to tell me that I don't already know?"
"You can't harbor an enemy within the Resistance, even if that is your own son. You are already housing defectors, as many other ships are, and the Republic is yet to decide what they will do with them. But surely, you must understand that Kylo Ren is considered a fugitive and a criminal of war. And once caught he will be tried and sentenced to death. There is nothing you can do about that. You must look after the Resistance's best interests."
"I am looking after the Republic's best interests, Ron."
Senator Lourd shook his head in disappointment. His hands appeared through the adorned robes he wore to grasp lightly at her shoulders. His eyes bore into hers intensely.
"Ben has made his choices and must pay for them, as much as we all hate it. It breaks my heart too to see what has become of that boy. But you can't let this bring you down as well. Recovering politically after Darth Vader was revealed to be your father, was a miracle on itself."
How ironic.
"Come now, Ron," Leia said. "I never did recover politically from that. But none of that matters anymore now, does it?"
"Leia, I will ask you one question. And one question only. I would appreciate if you answered honestly so that I too can figure out a way to help you."
Leia waited without blinking once.
"Is Ben aboard the Resistance ships?"
Leia had never been so relieved to speak the truth in her life before. Even if that meant lying through her teeth about what was really happening on board the Prometheus. She stood tall and looked him straight in the eye.
"No, he is not."
Rey stretched her palms at the licking flames. Her fingers feeling numb after furiously rubbing twigs together to work up a spark. It had taken longer than she was accustomed to get a fire going, the humidity in the atmosphere having seeped into the wood. And down to her bones as she sat shivering on the wet sand. But she and Ben had finally done it. Both of them had taken turns painstakingly blowing at the beginnings of rising smoke, until a flickering flame caught on the straws and was nurtured into a full-blown fire. Ben's expression of utter pride at such a primitive accomplishment still making her smile fondly to herself.
Night had spread cold and dark as ink, with only the two moons left climbing their way upon its glittering expanse to cast their pale light on the stillness of the lake. It was a serene landscape, almost magical in its beauty, and too enchanting to believe it was real.
Rey heard Ben's distinct heavy footfall behind her and felt his leather jacket being draped over her shuddering shoulders. Its instant luxurious warmth enveloping her senses and mixing the leather and smoke with those of the heady scents of the forest.
"I brought you some ration bars to eat. It's not much. But I can hear your stomach growling from across the mansion."
She glanced up at him and his outstretched hand holding out the food for her. "Leia will be here any minute and I'll have dinner aboard the Prometheus. You need the supplies, Ben."
"A couple of ration bars won't make a difference. Here. Eat." He insisted gallantly.
Rey could argue at that. A couple of rations had been her only food to last her a week once or twice on Jakku. But Ben probably wouldn't take no for an answer, being the stubborn man that he was. She unwrapped one of the bars taking a good bite while Ben sat next to her, forearms resting on his knees and gaze lost in the dancing flames.
Rey studied him in secret, taking in his gruff appearance. His thick hair was still half wet from swimming and stubbles were covering his jawline and the area around his lips. His brow was set in a pensive frown as always, which was a shame really because it hid his dark, soulful eyes from her. His features were unconventionally handsome, from what she could tell from her limited experience with human males, but somehow fascinating to stare at. And the rare occasions she'd caught him smiling at her, he managed to melt her limbs into butter.
Ben took a small branch to rekindle the fire, while Rey took another bite from her ration, thoughts immersed on the muscles of his arms working to move the wood around, under the navy blue shirt she'd picked out for him at the flea market. Darkness always seemed to swallow this man for some reason. The only parts of him that were illuminated by the warm colors of the fire, were his face and whatever expanse of smooth skin she could see peeking out from his half-buttoned shirt.
She tugged on the lapels of the jacket, burying her crouched body in its depths, her eyes still set on his sharp profile. She did not want to let go of this moment. Did not want to let go of the two moon's hanging on the night sky, the memory of the lake's warm waters, his large hands holding her against him as if they were made just for her. Could not let go of his deep voice rumbling sweet words down to the tips of her toes. Could not let go of the universe splayed in those powerful eyes.
Could not let go of him.
The fire crackled and spat sending embers flying in the night.
"Are you better?" He asked softly.
No. She wanted to scream at him. Because when he'd leave he would tear a part of her soul along.
"Yes. I didn't think it would cool off so soon after sunset." The angles and curves of his face seemed almost carved from marble as he turned to look at her. "Where will you go?" She blurted out, unable to mask the crack in her voice.
His brow furrowed as if it could frown any more than it already did. "I haven't decided yet. The Unknown Regions most probably. I'll have to change my name. Not use the Force…" He trailed off. "It would only raise suspicions."
Rey nodded grimly.
They remained silent for the stretch of a few moments as they both studied the crackle of the fire before them. An intensity was emanating from him. She could see it in the stiffness of his muscles and the clench of his jaw. He was upset over something and it made her wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that their evening would soon be coming to an end. That they wouldn't see each other again for, stars knew how long and… Maybe… Maybe part of him was considering to change his mind. Decide to stay and then… They…
We…
"Come with me," he said suddenly, fixing his heavy gaze in her direction. "Let's leave all this behind us. The war, the death, the hopeless, meaningless fights. Let's find a peaceful planet we could start over. Build a life that neither of us ever had."
No.
This couldn't be what he was thinking
"Ben…"
"No. Rey listen." He added fervently, shifting his body to better cage her in. "There's so much of this galaxy for us to see. To explore. No one will ever know who we are and we could…"
Stars, please not this.
"Ben I don't think I…" she tried to say hesitantly.
"Together, Rey. Just me and you. Don't tell me you've never thought about it. You were willing to come with me back in Coruscant. You felt the potential in us." His voice broke at the end, nearly coming out as a plea.
He reached out, taking her small hand into his and lacing their fingers together. His eyes shifted to look at their intertwined hands, with a hope inside them that shattered her. She could feel her pulse picking up as he nervously licked his lips lifting his gaze, at last, to look at her bewildered eyes.
"We would never be alone again," he said with a vulnerability that stole the breath from her. Ben brought her fingers to his lips slowly, his features glowing under the colors of the dancing flames and looked at her as if she was the goddess who had hung the two moons on the night sky. He pressed the warmest, most tender kiss on the tips of her fingers, one by one, with a reverence that made her eyes rim with hot tears.
Rey felt like the world had decided to spin around itself, uncaring about the falls and broken hearts it would cause.
"Ben…"
"Don't say no, Rey… Please don't say no…"
Gods.
She could curse them for the rest of time for having made this universe to be the cruelest, most merciless place in all creation. How would she do it? How would she turn down his offer once again without shredding this fragile connection that existed between them.
He'll never forgive me.
She realized with dread. This would be his last and final offer and if she refused him now he would excise her from his life, burn her from his memory and never look back. Because that's who Ben was. As much as she hated to acknowledge it, Kylo Ren was part of him, weaved irrevocably into his personality.
But she could not give up on who she was for him. She couldn't go back to being a no one.
Her prolonged silence caused the hope written in his eyes to shift into distress and then slowly to cold acceptance. He nodded, tearing those dark eyes away and letting go of her hand. The coolness of the night immediately stealing the warmth he had left behind. Ben went back to digging around the charcoals without another word.
"Maybe one day," she tried to smooth over the barren land that stretched between them. But even she was aware that it would be useless. The moment was gone. "But not now. I want to stay and try to make a difference. We have been granted this gift, Ben. Don't you see? The Force. We could use it to make this galaxy a better place."
"A better place? Is that what my mother has been telling you?" He snapped, pinning his eyes sharp and hard on her. "We can't change the universe, Rey. The struggle for power will always be there. It doesn't matter if the First Order is behind it or the Republic. All regimes are hungry for power and control. It will never end. And I don't want to be part of it anymore."
"Don't say that. You could make such a difference in this war if you joined the Resistance."
"Are you even listening to me? Or have my mother's ideologies stolen all reason from you? I will never join the Resistance! They are nothing but a bunch of self-sacrificial, romantic fools. Stop deluding yourself. And quit trying to..."
Ben shot off from his position so close to her, pacing like a feral animal on the wet sand. He raked his hand in his raven strands turning to look at her thunderously. "Haven't I changed enough for you?" He asked bitterly. "I have betrayed and left the Order. Caused the downfall of a regime I believed in. When will it ever be enough for you?"
Enough for… What?
"For me?" she sputtered. Was she hearing right? Or was she, according to Ben, going stupid and deaf. She got to her feet, clenching her hands into fists. "Don't you dare use me as an excuse for leaving the Order. You did it because you saw the faults in their system. You did it because Snoke exploited you and turned you against your own family. You left because you chose to! I didn't force you to do anything. Quit lying to yourself!"
Ben looked at her as if she had just taken something precious from him and smashed it right in front of his eyes. She didn't even have the time to go back to her words and find what it was that had bothered him so, because he stormed up to her, trespassing her personal space and looming over her with scathing fury. His teeth were gritted and he seethed through them. "And you quit deluding yourself that you will ever become anything more than a desert rat just because you have the Force."
Rey blanched at his venomous words.
All sounds in the night ceased. As if the life around them could sense the storm building up around a small fire by the lake. The trees remained still and the ripples of the lake died out. All life held its breath for what was to come.
But nothing did.
Rey blinked away tears of hurt and rage welling in her eyes. She dropped to the sand, furiously gathering her things and her new saberstaff. Part of her wanting to toss it to his feet and have nothing in her possession that would ever remind her of this vindictive man. Her fingers brushed against a cold metal object weighing in her bag. His lightsaber. With that unstable, jagged beam so similar to its owner. She grabbed it and got to her feet, stomping across the sand to where he stood glowering at the lake as if everything was its fault. Rey was surprised the waters hadn't started steaming under his burning gaze by now.
"This belongs to you," she hissed thrusting it on his chest with enough strength to make him step back. "And may the Force be with you because nothing else ever will."
He looked at her coldly, reaching to hold on to the weapon cradled over his heart. His hand engulfed her own for a heartbeat or two, the warmth of it breaking a little piece of her deep inside, and Rey felt a tear spill treacherously down her cheek. His dark eyes darted to it and Rey wanted nothing more than to scream at her body's rebellious ways. She did not seek his pity in any form.
Rey, pulled away, swirling her back at him and crossed back to where her stuff lay waiting for her in a messy pile. She didn't hear him utter a single word, as she grabbed her bag tossing it over her shoulder and grasped her saberstaff so hard her knuckles turned white.
Across from her, the deserted mansion loomed eerily in the night, as the twin moons illuminated its imposing exterior. The forest on the side rustled and whispered darkly at her and not even the stars' flickering light could alleviate the blackness of the sky set heavily upon her.
It was a haunting image. Desolate and sad.
And she wanted to get away from it as fast as she could.
"Where's Ben?" Leia asked when she saw Rey enter the Falcon's lounge with her bag clutched fiercely on her side and a livid expression on her face that would even send Chewbacca looking for cover. "Wasn't he supposed to come back for the X-wings' ignition codes?"
"He's not coming back," Rey informed her frigidly.
This doesn't sound good.
Leia got off the stained couch, a little startled if she were being honest with herself. She was fairly certain that her plan to have Ben escorted by Rey around the city should have turned out a little differently than this. In fact, she had expected it to move more along the lines of both of them returning in far better spirits and, well, more romantically involved. She couldn't possibly imagine what had gone wrong. It was a solid plan.
"How is he supposed to leave Chandrila without the X-wing?" She couldn't help but ask, as Rey crossed the lounge area in a few swift strides heading for the cockpit, where Chewbacca was already powering up the Falcon.
Rey stopped at the entrance, setting her hand at the metal frame and turning to look at her grimly. "I'm sorry to say this to you, General. But I really don't care what your son decides to do with himself from now and on. It's none of my business."
Leia felt her jaw drop.
What could have gone that wrong between them?
Rey disappeared in the cockpit, taking her position next to Chewie and punching buttons and flipping switches with an aggravation that was most definitely not like her.
Leia pressed her lips in disappointment making her way towards the cockpit to strap down for the return flight to the Prometheus.
A series of annoyed blurps and frenzied tweebs made her shake her head.
"Yes, Artoo, I'm aware that he probably started the fight."
The droid next to her shook in aggravation, twirling its domed head.
Leia looked at it exasperated. "What would you have me do? He's not five anymore!"
The ship's engine roared to life, concealing a couple of suggestive grunts coming from Chewbacca's direction that had Rey snorting back amused.
Honestly, this was not helpful in any way.
Leia leaned on her cane fixing the Wookiee with a sharp glare. "I suggest you make sure we don't bump into any meteors breaking atmosphere, and leave Ben's derriere out of this!"
She fell back on her seat with a huff, feeling somewhat frustrated. Those three were turning out to be a horrible combination. Much worse than when Han was around.
She sighed. The irritation within her slowly ebbing into very familiar sadness. Ben was leaving and she hadn't been able to say goodbye. And Maker only knew if she'd ever set eyes on her boy again.
Ren kicked sand over the smoking charcoals that still remained lit, officially putting an end to what had been one of the best and worst days of his life. His mind still couldn't wrap around the way this night had so quickly digressed to such an utter disaster. It was only two hours ago that he was holding Rey in his arms. Her small hands clinging on to him for dear life, as he reveled in the feel of her skin on his body and her warm breath on his face. His thoughts had been completely derailed with things he wanted to do to her, and his emotions were unhinged enough to slowly lead him to madness.
He had held her in his arms. She was right there. He should have at least…
"Fuck!" He growled into the dead of night.
He was such an idiot.
And now… Now everything was all over. Done. Buried right in this damn sand he was standing on. She had turned his offer down, once more, which shouldn't really have hurt as much as it did. Because he wasn't surprised by her reaction one bit. In fact, he had been completely prepared for her rejection. Armored and ready for one more of her deadly strikes and he had managed to come out of it just fine. Heart kicking and lungs breathing and absolutely alive.
He grabbed his backpack, tossing it over his shoulder and clipping his trusty crossguard, which was the only thing loyal to him in this shitty universe, right next to his new blaster hidden under his leather jacket. The very same jacket she had worn over her delicate shoulders and would be forever tainted by her touch and scent in the eons to come.
Fuck.
He wanted to rip it to pieces.
Come to think of it, he also wanted to tear down those pretty twin moons from the night sky. Drag them into the waters and drown their laughing faces. He wanted to scorch the lake and burn down the forest and wipe this bewitching landscape from existence just the way he wanted to wipe out the memory of her from his bleeding heart.
Because, Force, did she know how to make him hurt.
The sound of a ship's engine approaching, peeled him away from his stark thoughts and he lifted his eyes to the glittering, black sky right as the Millenium Falcon flew above him. Its blue thrusters propelling it to cut through the atmosphere and disappear into the vastness of space.
It all happened in a heartbeat and he remained rooted in his position watching the spot between the two moons that had swallowed the ship.
She's gone.
He thought. As simple as that. As if she had been just a dream.
Some time passed before he tore his eyes from the moons, stinging and sore from waiting. As if a miracle would bring her back after the petty words he'd spat to her lovely face. But the night remained still and the sky quiet, and only his rattling breath could be heard in the thick, humid air.
Ren finally turned around, heavy boots scraping against the sand and with a mood as black as the deep waters of the lake, disappeared in the forest's foliage.
A small docking bay was stationed on the outskirts of the small town he had grown up in. And an assigned X-wing was waiting for him there to take him where his heart desired.
No. Scratch that.
What his damn heart desired, no longer mattered.
Chewbacca was supposed to give him the ignition codes for the X-wing. But obviously, that ship had sailed into the night. So Ren had decided to just rip the panel off from the X-wing's stirring mechanism, override the ship's powering sequence and jump-start the engine. He'd enter new codes and hopefully wouldn't have to mess with the ship's id. Otherwise, he was running the risk of being stopped at the planet's check out point.
But he was determined to figure it out along the way.
His dad always did.
Louise was feeling a little rattled.
Even though, a significant number of hours had passed since Kylo Ren stumbled into the medical bay with a fever that would have normally rendered any other ordinary man unconscious, the effects of his unexpected visit were far from gone.
She could recall with terrifying clarity his heavy gait approach her as she was registering vitals into the medical bay's records. She had shut her eyes, praying to every single god in the known universe that he would please pass her by and move on to some other poor, unsuspecting soul further in the bay. But he had hovered over her like Death himself, his distinctive presence causing goosebumps to break on the skin of her forearms, as she desperately tried to continue her task with shaking hands.
"You." He'd said. His deep voice reverberating down to the marrow of her bones. "I want my fever brought down."
Louise had found the courage somewhere in her, to look up into those dark, unfathomable eyes. Kylo Ren had looked pale, with dark circles rimming his blood-shot eyes and ebony hair spilling over his face. Looking like a creature brought straight out of night tales. All medical knowledge flew out the air hatch as his gaze bore into her with an intensity that crackled the air between them and nearly made her heart stop.
Kylo Ren was the most terrifying man she had ever seen.
She could not for the life of her understand how Dr. Lydham, who had blessedly intervened, was able to stand so close to him and actually survive.
Jimmy, the Chief engineer, agreed that a feeling akin to static emanated from the man when he was angry, probably something to do with that Dark Force he was supposedly so good at wielding. But Louise disagreed. Electricity had nothing to do with him.
He was simply…
Scary.
And his presence in the medical bay had reminded her of another patient.
Not as electrifying. Not as imposing. But just as frightening in a strange, more malevolent way.
She decided to head to that small forgotten room, used mostly as a storage area to check on the man with the head wound. It was past dinner time by now and she had forgotten to bring him his meal. He never spoke much and rarely ever complained. Louise believed he would have been the perfect patient under normal circumstances.
Only there was nothing normal about these two men.
She opened the creaking door and peered into the dark room. She pressed a button on the panel shedding some dim light around and hoped she wouldn't wake the man who usually huddled in the corner, wrapped in his black cloak.
She expected him to stir. Pin her with that unsettling gaze of his.
But the corner was empty.
And nobody was in the room.
Rey stopped to look at her reflection in one of the viewports lining the corridors of the Prometheus. The lights were bright and she could very clearly see her image against the blackness of space outside. Her chestnut hair was long and wavy. Her skin was clean, her eyes bright despite the long hard day and her body slim and almost graceful. She wasn't so bad to look at.
Tim, the young officer from the bridge passed by, giving her a timid wave and she smiled back.
She glanced back at herself. Her teeth were straight and white and all accounted for. Which was good. There was no reason why somebody might not be interested in her. She had been with Poe, after all for a little while. Even though her heart had always belonged to a tall, dark-eyed man with a mane of midnight hair framing his pale face that always seemed to brood too much. And whose name she would never utter again.
Mylo and Jessica, both pilots from what she recalled, passed as well, sending a friendly smile in her direction that Rey tried to return as best as she could.
People liked her, she noticed, as she stood for at least a half hour by the viewport gazing out at Chandrila's darkened side. She could make friends. Open up a bit and trust more. This was no longer Jakku after all. People cared for one another here, helped each other. This would be a good home for her. A place where she could perhaps find someone eventually, to love and cherish and maybe even grow old together.
A heavy pace caught her attention and she swirled her head in its direction, her heart skipping a beat before starting to pound erratically in her throat.
But it was only Neesha's imposing figure making its way down the corridor, her thick boots pounding languidly on the floor. Nyxx next to her matched her stride with his usual swagger, his trench coat flaring behind him as carefree as its owner. The pair was impressive and earned a few curious glances from the crew. They passed by her like everyone else, Nyxx giving her a friendly wink and a crooked smirk, while Neesha barely sliding an eye in her direction.
Rey looked outside again. Another ship had broken atmosphere and disappeared into the vastness of space. It was the thirtieth so far. There was no way for her to know which one had been his. There was no reason for her to be counting ships, to begin with. But one of them might have been. Carrying him away to the far reaches of the galaxy. Where he would hide and she would never see him again.
She felt her eyes sting and she touched her forehead on the cold glass willing her tears… No, demanding of them not to fall.
He's gone.
She thought. And they couldn't bring him back. So what was the point?
Rey felt tired suddenly. Exhausted was more like it. She turned around and walked a few paces down the corridor to her quarters. Thankfully, Poe had moved out. She couldn't bear to be around his presence right now.
She lifted her hand to the panel and the door slid open. The corridor's light drifted in the dark room as Rey stood in the entrance, her shadow falling on the room's floor in a frame of bright white. She hesitated for a long moment. A small voice inside her telling her not to go inside. To turn around. Leave.
But Rey didn't listen. She stepped into the darkness and the door slid shut behind her.
Author's note: Any ideas about who Louise's patient is? Because he'll be stirring up lotsa trouble in the next chapter. Ben picked the wrong time to leave.
