Chapter 6

"So." Rachel murmured looking over at Ella.

"So." Ella said back in a subdued voice.

"Ladies." Roman greeted coming in from outside. He placed the groceries he was carrying on the side and walked over to where they were seated in the lounge. Pressing a gentle kiss to Ella's cheek he half smiled when she didn't flinch. "Would you be more comfortable sitting elsewhere and talking?" he asked.

Ella looked at him ready to say something if he went on to suggest going out on the veranda before frowning.

"I've sorted out some of the things in the store room." He explained. "So you can go in there?"

Ella looked at him tilting her head to one side before she slowly stood and walked through to the room opposite the lounge. In need of decoration it had all her boxes of photographs stacked in it until she decided, well they decided if it were going to be a space for them to retreat when the children were older and took over the lounge or a space for her to work.

Opening the door she took in the rows of metal shelving he'd put together and stacked her storage boxes on. The floor had been cleaned and an old rug placed on the bare boards. She took in the pale cream walls, cleaned and smelling faintly of lemon. And there in the middle of the room were the two red armchairs that had been left behind by the previous owners. Somehow they looked clean and less shabby than the last time she saw them. Between them was an upside down packing case, there to act as a table. She frowned looking at the room not even noticing that there were curtains up at the cleaned windows.

"When did you do this?" she asked in that quiet subdued voice.

"Oh, over a few weeks." Roman commented ushering her into the room. "I was going to ask you about the getting rid of the chairs but then a few days ago when you told me that Rachel had set up an appointment to see you." He stopped realising that she'd stopped listening to him.

"This is great." Rachel said after a moment. "Let's get seated, eh Ella." She added in a murmur and guided Ella into the room.

She and Roman exchanged a look and Roman retreated out of the room closing the door behind him before he moved into the kitchen and put the groceries away.

"This is great." Rachel said to Ella as she moved to sit in one of the chairs.

"Yeah isn't it." Ella muttered folding her arms across herself.

"Not too happy are you Ella?"

"You are asking me that?" Ella shot out anger in her voice. "You are here for my counselling sessions surely that is a clue."

Rachel smiled at the sarcastic words before she gestured to the other chair and Ella mutinously sat down, her arms crossing over herself.

"So, how are things?" Rachel prompted after a moment.

"I don't know." Ella paused looking around. "I don't know what I'm doing."

She stopped and looked down noticing her body language and sighed before slowly uncrossing her arms.

"Tell me more." Rachel said when Ella had fallen silent once more.

"I mean," she stopped as though gathering the one hundred and one thoughts going round her head at that moment. "One minute I'm talking to him and it's nice, it's good even and we are smiling and I'm not unhappy or sad and the next I'm just swamped by these feelings of sadness and I can't control how I am with him. Like this." She gestured to the room. "He did this for me and I just resent him for going behind my back."

"Would you say you are punishing him?" Rachel asked slowly.

Ella started looking shocked. She frowned and leaned forward.

"Why would I?" she asked back.

"You need to tell me that."

"I don't think this is going to work?" Ella said quickly. "You know both of us."

"Ella, I'm here today as your counsellor." Rachel pointed out after a moment.

Ella sighed before lifting sad eyes to the other woman.

"I think." She stopped biting her lower lip before continuing. "I think that I hate him." She admitted and burst into tears.

Rachel sighed before standing and easing out of the room. She returned a couple of seconds later and placed a box of tissues on the makeshift table inbetween them before tugging a couple out and handing them to Ella. She waited a couple of moments before she spoke again.

"Why do you hate him Ella?"

Ella looked up, her tears drying up.

"Because he didn't stop him." She said in a whisper.

"Ok," Rachel said slowly.

"And if he'd stopped him then she wouldn't have taken Sam."

"I see."

"Is that crazy?"

"That or you Ella?" Rachel asked her. "I think that we have a lot of things to work on here."

"Well,"

"If you needed an answer then no, I don't think you are crazy. I think you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder."

Ella sighed before grabbing some more tissues.

"Do you think, well that I would, you know,"

"Ella?" Rachel prompted.

"Well, get back…"

"With Roman? Or how you were?"

"Either." Ella sighed thinking of Roman and how hopeful he was now that she was getting help. She tilted her head to one side and listened. "That's Sam." She added hearing her son cry.

Rachel smiled at her.

"Do you need to go?" she asked watching as the other woman moved restlessly in the chair.

"No, er, Roman can er," Ella stopped and looked down at the way she was touching the marks on her arms from when she'd cut herself. She flexed her fingers and stopped what she was doing.

"Obviously you have a lot of anxiety about the care of your son."

"Obviously." Ella drawled.

Rachel looked down to hide the smile she had on her face. She understood what Roman had told her now about how she was Ella one minute and then she was gone. She'd just witnessed it for herself.

"He's stopped crying." Ella said and forced herself to sit back in the chair.

"So is it that you don't trust anyone with Sam?"

"Rachel." Ella protested.

"Or just Roman?"

Ella shook her head and seemed to shrink into herself at the question.

"I don't know." She said slowly, plotting out the words carefully. "I feel that I need to take care of him."

"Just you."

Ella nodded.

"Why?"

"Because I won't let him be taken." Ella blurted out and gasped. She'd had no idea she'd been holding Sam's kidnap against Roman. It hadn't been his fault. She knew that. Logically.

"I think that we've done really well for a first session." Rachel murmured slowly.

"But what about…" Ella stopped and looked over at the other woman.

"We can talk about the cutting, but you haven't cut since have you?"

Ella shook her head.

"So…" Rachel paused. "That leaves your agoraphobia."

Ella sighed and closed her eyes for a second before opening them. Her gaze went over to the covered windows and she sighed again at how Roman had covered them with nets and curtains, shutting out the view of the outside so that she would feel safe in the room. She sighed one more time before turning and facing Rachel, her arms folded across her middle.

"How do I deal with it?" she asked slowly.

"There is something called exposure therapy. I've given Roman the details."

"Why?"

"Because he wanted to understand how he could help you. " Rachel said slowly watching the flare of emotion in the other woman's eyes.

"Exposure?" Ella asked quietly.

"You go outside for a short period of time until you start to feel the panic sensations start."

Ella nodded as she listened to Rachel outline the therapy techniques.

"But as I said, Roman has this information."

"So, what happens if I freak out?" Ella said her eyes straying to the windows. "I don't." she stopped talking dragging her gaze back to Rachel.

"Don't?" Rachel prompted.

"Well I don't want Roman to have to keep looking after me." She bit out.

"I don't think you have a choice about that right now. He's still your husband."

"For the moment?" Ella queried.

"That isn't for me to say." Rachel said feeling a quiver of sadness going through her at the thought of the couple splitting up after all they'd gone through. "Read though the information and get back to me if you have any questions."

She stood up and looked over at Ella.

"Thanks." Ella murmured slowly before she too stood up. She led Rachel out of the room and back into the lounge stopping when she saw Roman there holding Sam and feeding him with a bottle.

"Hey." He said softly. "Want to take over?"

Ella sucked in a deep breath before she answered.

"No, you've got him." She said in her quiet voice.

Roman looked at her before he nodded.

"The others are upstairs playing in the nursery." He said

Ella gave him a hesitant smile feeling strange when he smiled back at her before she turned and escorted Rachel to the door.

"See you soon Ella." Rachel promised before leaving.

Ella took a step back before watching Rachel go over to her car and drive off before she shut the door and went back over to where Roman was. He'd finished feeding Sam and was cradling him over his shoulder.

"Ok?" he asked her.

She nodded at him before reaching out and stroking her baby's back.

"Thank you for the room." She whispered.

"We still need to decide what to do with it." He said quietly. "Do you want a drink or…"

He stopped when she shook her head at him.

"We need to talk." She told him her voice wavering.

"Ok."

Roman eased up and moved over to where Sam's crib was and laid his son gently inside it knowing that her eyes were following every movement of his. Pulling up the cover he waited a moment before turning to her.

"Here?" he asked.

She nodded and moved to sit on the sofa waiting for him to join her there. Her fingers were rubbing at one of the cuts nervously. Roman watched her before he moved over to join her.

"I need you to take care of Sam." She whispered. "full time."

"El?"

"I need you to look after him. I've been pushing you away and it's not fair." She said her voice no higher than a whisper.

"I can help you out more certainly." He told her. "But I can't do full time."

"I've been blaming you for his kidnap and I need to relax." She shot out.

"I know." He told her quietly.

Her eyes flew to his and he smiled gently before moving closer to her and taking hold of her hands.

"It's ok." He said calmly. "It really is. We can get through this."

"I'm not sure I want to." Ella gasped out.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I think." She stopped and looked at him. Really looked at him. She saw lines of strain around his eyes and mouth and he was tired and pale. Dark circles ringed his eyes and in that one moment she felt something flutter into life inside her. Something she had thought dead ever since Sam had been kidnapped. "Well I think that we need to take things slow." She amended what she had been about to say and saw the immediate look of relief in his face.

"So no hot kinky sex then." He shot back.

Her eyes flew to Sam and she frowned.

"He's asleep." Roman told her amusement in his voice.

"Still…" she bit her lip and looked back at Roman before she smiled. "Fine."

He chuckled softly.

"I got Rachel to give me some paperwork on the sort of therapy she's suggested. I thought we could go over it together." He said after a minute.

Ella nodded at him.

"I was kinda…"

"Annoyed at me?" Roman smiled again. "I haven't looked at it yet, I thought that if you didn't want me to." He shrugged.

She looked at him for a long time before realising that she hadn't removed her hands from his clasp like she normally would. Maybe she had made some progress.

"I do." She decided. "We need to do this together."

Roman nodded before leaning forward to kiss her. He aimed for her cheek but at the last moment she turned her head and his lips connected with hers.