Spies in Konoha
Side Chapter: The Hang Nail Incident.
Written by Jlargent
Me: Hi folks I wrote this when I was looking at my previous story 9-Tailed spy. In chapter four I mentioned that Naruto plays D&D so I thought how funny would it be if Naruto and his friends plays a game of D&D. And here it is, then the question became; who should be the players aside from Naruto? And what should they do in an in-game situation? I was reading my favorite comic book Knights of the Dinner Table (KODT for short) and it hit me, have Naruto and the others reenact one of the strips from the comic. So I chose issue twenty: Hack in Space the title of the strip is the same as the title of this chapter and here's the cast of characters for this chapter:
B.A. Felton: Played by Tsunade. Position: Game master (GM)
Bob Herzog: Played by Naruto Uzamaki. Position: Player. Character: Knuckles (Dwarven Thief.)
Dave Bozwell: Played by Rock Lee. Position: Player. Character: El Ravager (Human Fighter.)
Sara Felton: Played by Alex. Position: Player. Character: Zayre (Human Barbarian.)
Brian VanHoose: Played by Shikamaru Nara. Position. Player. Character: Teflon Billy (Human Mage.)
Note: the following is in script format so please bear with me. Naruto is created by Masashi Kishimoto and KODT is created by Jolly R. Blackburn. So the typical disclaimers apply.
No POV
Tsunade: The barkeep throws a dwarven hand axe at you Naruto! It barely misses your head. Unfortunately, since El Ravager was backing you up he get hit for 16 points of damage!
Naruto: What the hell is wrong with this guy? All I did was wuss-slap the surly waitress for giving me lip!
Tsunade: Apparently the surly waitress is his wife.
Lee: I got hit? Damn! I didn't do anything!
Alex: For crying out loud Naruto you were trying to shoot a peach pit off her head with your crossbow and you missed! Twice!
Shikamaru: Its not Naruto's fault the light is crappy in this bar.
Tsunade: Well it really doesn't matter if you think its right or not. In the town frontier town of Hang Nail might makes right! With a snap of his fingers ten well armed, brutish looking bouncers emerge from the back room and ask you to leave.
Naruto: Bouncers! That's a good name for them coz I'm gonna bounce their heads off the floor and slam dunk them! I got a 5,000 gold piece bet on this peach pit thing.
Lee: Uh… Naruto…Hold on a sec we came to town to rest and heal up-remember? After getting whacked with that axe I'm down to 4 hit points! I don't think we can handle these guys!
Alex: I'm down to 12 hit points myself from the ogre ambush.
Shikamaru: Yeah we took a beating in the dungeon of thorn ridge!
Naruto: Do my ears deceive me? Huh? Are you suggesting we run away from a fight? This sudden display of cowardice sickens me!
Lee: Back off Jack! I'm just sayin' that we aren't exactly in top fighting condition that's all!
Alex: Ever hear the expression, 'He who runs away lives to fight another day'?
Naruto: Gaaa! She said it! You heard her! She said run away! Oh I'm not believin' this looks like Knuckles the king of wall climbers hooked up with a bunch of yeller no good…
Lee: you better not be callin' El Ravager no coward! I can tell you that! You want to fight so bad you just might find one-on the end of my Hackmaster +12!
Alex: Guys chill out! Please!
Tsunade: While you guys are arguing the bouncers start laughing at you! One of nudges another and points at you saying, 'Awwwwww, da widdle warriors are afraid to fight!' (Snicker)
Naruto: Oh great! This is what I was talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if our street cred goes down twenty percentiles!
Lee: Laughing! They're laughing at us? Awh man, I hate that.
Alex: Don't fall for it Lee. Can't you see Tsunade is trying to prod you into a fight? Walk away! You can always come back to deal with your pride when you're at full hitpoints!
Shikamaru: Alex's right, Lee. But still… They are laughing at us.
Alex: So what? They're laughing at us haven't you heard the expression 'He who laughs last, laughs lon…
Naruto: Oh just put a lid on it! Will ya? You're not a man Alex. You don't understand. They're not just laughing at us. They're trampling on our honor! I never thought I'd live to see the day when my comrades would run away from a run-of the-mill bar fight! You're breakin' my heart here. You really are.
Lee: Gee… I didn't look at it like that. I think I see your point.
Alex: Naruto all this bravado sounds really nice but motivational speeches don't change facts! We're on our last leg here.
Shikamaru: Dammit! The dwarf is right! No self-respecting hero would allow himself to be pushed around by some lowly bar scum! If they want a fight- by gawd let's give it to 'em!
Lee: Count me in dude! C'mon high five! Let's kick some ass and bring the roof down on these s!
Naruto: Hoody Hoo! I knew I could count on my boys!
Ten minuets later…
Tsunade: You wake up in a turnip field twelve miles outside of town. You've been stripped , tarred and feathered, hog-tied and your buttocks have been branded with the rune of cowardice! (You each take 2 hitpoints from the pain of being branded, by the way.) Iron leg bands with little copper bells have been riveted around your wrists and ankles so no matter where you wander, you can be properly heckled and mocked. A note has been pinned to the flesh of Naruto's chest (Another 1hitpoint of damage for the needle), which reads 'Stay out of Hang Nail or you'll get more of the same!'
Lee: No offense Naruto but whoever said that, 'Walk away and live to fight another day' crap was a frickin' genius! I think Alex was onto something.
Naruto: Hey we might have lost but at least we still have our pride dude!
Alex: Oh Yeah, we can hold our heads up high as we jing, jing, jingle our way by proudly.
Shikamaru: I'm making a salve out of some crushed turnip leaves and applying it to my butt wound!
Naruto: Hey, hey, don't be stingy with the medic-skills dude. How about rubbin' some of that on me?
Lee: Yo! And me too!
Alex: I wouldn't mind a little medical attention myself, Shikamaru. Would you be a dear? (Snicker)
Shikamaru: Firk-ding-blast! Who do I look like? Dr. Freakin' Ruth?
Naruto: I'm swearing an oath to my patron gawd Loki! The sun shall not set again on the town of Hang Nail! I curse the place and all those who dwell in it! The wrath of Knuckles is about to descend upon them!
Lee: But dude we only have a handful of hitpoints left between us!
Naruto: Okay, okay, so we rest up. Then we go kick some ass!
Alex: But we're !
Naruto: So what? We'll rest up, steal some clothes and then we go waste those dudes!
Shikamaru: But we got no weapons, no armor! We're like a bunch of bums!
Naruto: Geeze loueeze! What's happened to your fighting spirit? So what if things are stacked against us? So what if we took a little beating? It's no time to quit! When the going get rough the rough get going! You pull yourself up by the bootstraps and jump back into the fray!
Lee: Does that mean we have to our kicked again?
Naruto: No! It means we use our wits and regain our edge!
Alex: Amen! Preach on brother Naruto!
Shikamaru: The dwarf is right! It ain't over til it's
Naruto: Tsunade! We're heading back down that road toward Hang Nail! Let me know if we run into anybody on the way there.
Tsunade: You're…You're going back? To Hang Nail? , tarred and feathered? Just going back?
Naruto: That's right! And as for me. I'm holding my head held high and walking like I got a purpose!
Lee: But…But, uh…er..
Alex: We're heading back? Now?
Naruto: Relax guys. It's twelve miles back to town. You gotta trust me on this. I think I've got a plan.
Lee: You think you have a plan?
Alex: Trust you? Following a man with a brand on his butt and bells on his ankles doesn't inspire a whole lot of trust!
Naruto: I suggest we break for a bathroom huddle to discuss my plan.
Shikamaru: Let's see what he comes up with.
Ten minuets later…
Tsunade: Okay you walk five miles and come across two beggars fighting over a dead chipmunk by the roadside. They hear the ringing chorus of bells approaching and stop to look up and watch you approach.
Naruto: I smile and extend my arms in a friendly manner. 'My friends!' I say, 'Look how the people of Hang Nail treat the poor and unfortunate!'
Tsunade: Uh, they look shocked. 'They did these things to you? Why?'
Lee: All we did was ask to drink from their well!
Tsunade: One of the beggars looks at you in disbelief. 'But my friend, we were heading for that place. We were told that the people of Hang Nail were generous and kind to the downtrodden!'
Naruto: 'Of course that's what you heard. They find great sport in mistreating those of no means. They spread that rumor to attract others so that they may give them the same treatment we received.' Tsunade I show them the note they pinned to my chest.
Lee: We are going back there to teach them a lesson! Join us! Won't you?
Alex: Down with the rich!
Shikamaru: We've got to teach those s that they cant treat beggars like this!
Tsunade: Well, I guess the beggars would be sufficiently angered by your allegations to join up with you.
Naruto: Hoody Hoo! I tell them to fall into rank. Then we'll proceed down the road. Don't forget you have to roll for random encounters every turn on a patrolled road!
Tsunade: (Thinking) What the hell are they up to?
Twenty minuets later…
Tsunade: Okay you walk about two miles and you run into two almsmen and a panhandler!
Naruto: What's the verdict, Shikamaru? These guys qualify as beggars?
Shikamaru: Yer damn straight they do! Go ahead and recruit them. That puts us at fifty-eight total! Two more and we'll have six mobs! We're well on our way to our quota!
Lee: Outstanding!
Alex: This just might work!
Tsunade: Beggar mobs! I know what you guys are up to. don't even think I'm going to let you get away with it.
Naruto: Sorry Tsunade you can't stop us. We happen to know that 75 of all random encounters along a patrolled road in a temperate zone are beggar encounters!
Lee: And they are encountered in groups of 1D10! By the time we get to Hang Nail we estimate we'll have an army of at least 150 beggars!
Alex: Which works out to be 15 mobs!
Shikamaru: That's assuming we walk a twenty minute-mile pace. That's two encounters per mile for a total of twenty four encounters!
A wee bit later….
Tsunade: Okay your beggar army sweeps over the town of Hang Nail like a swarm of locusts subduing everyone that crosses their path! Buildings are set ablaze, wagons are over turned, the shrine in the middle of the market is toppled.
Naruto: Great! I'll grab the six beggars I kept in reserve since us four have technically been relegated to beggar status we should constitute a beggar mob per the rules. I'll lead our mob to the tavern. We'll quickly overbear anyone we find there. During the commotion, Shikamaru will break off to retrieve our belongings!
Lee: Where do they keep the tar and feathers? I'm going to double-dip that barkeep!
Alex: Don't forget the bells! We'll need lots of bells.
Shikamaru: Sweet, sweet, revenge!
The End
Me: That's it you know I really wanted to do a KODT crossover and I really enjoyed it very much. And I hope you do as well. Now you know where I got the phrase 'As always Hoody Hoo!' so until next time this is Jlargent signing off for now.
As always Hoody Hoo!
