*Dumbledore heaved a great sigh and continued, 'Alastor Moody, Nymphadora Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin were at Headquarters when he made contact. All agreed to go to your aid at once. Professor Snape requested that Sirius remain behind, as he needed somebody to remain at Headquarters to tell me what had happened, for I was due there at any moment. In the meantime he, Professor Snape, intended to search the Forest for you.
'But Sirius did not wish to remain behind while the others went to search for you. He delegated to Kreacher the task of telling me what had happened. And so it was that when I arrived in Grimmauld Place shortly after they had all left for the Ministry, it was the elf who told me - laughing fit to burst - where Sirius had gone.'
*Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 37
XxxxX
Lupin sat idly at the kitchen table, staring into his tea. His thoughts running away from him, contemplating the recent months and his sad attempts at trying to avoid Tonks. After Christmas, Remus had more than chastised himself for his incredible moment of weakness with her. Up until that crucial point, he had allowed himself to reminiscence of their times together, sometimes delving into the light possibilities of how she might kiss…or feel.
But not anymore.
In the past, he had convinced himself that those thoughts were innocent and of no matter since it was clear to him that they were a one sided issue, an old and lonely mans wishful thinking. They were never to be reality, and he had been grateful to that.
Now, staring into the ripples running through his tea, hes realized the dangers of those simple thoughts. At Christmas he was so close to allowing them to become tangible, so near to granting his inner most wishes. The small dangerous and reckless side of him that he so often shifted to the inner most corners of his mind had appeared in that moment when she was thanking him, urging him to respond to her. For a brief moment, he didn't care what the outcome would be, as long as he answered the question of how she tasted, something that he had shamefully meditated on all year long.
He cursed himself and shook his head, remembering his folly. It had been one of the few times Lupin was thankful for Sirius' obnoxious behavior. Since realizing the error in his method, he decided after the New Years to avoid as much contact with Tonks as possible, making sure to leave Grimmauld before she came and that the seats at Order meetings were filled next to him with Mad-Eye and Sirius. He never let his mind wander anymore, or at least stopped himself before they got too far. She had tried to corner him several times after the incident and each time Lupin made sure to find some excuse to duck out of the conversation before it got to far. Every time he did so, he saw a hurt and confused face cross Tonks' features as he moved away from her and it made it hate himself even more. It had to be done, he convinced himself, she'd be better off for it later.
It wasn't as though he didn't want to kiss her, or...many other things with her. He did. Good Merlin he did. But it was impossible in his mind that anything good could come of it. There were so many things wrong with the idea that Lupin didn't even know where to start. She was much too young and eager, and he was much too poor and dangerous. The very idea that a werewolf could consider a functioning love life seemed so utterly ridiculous to Remus that he had long ago cast aside the idea and had become content with his lonely fate in life. He had been very satisfied all his young life with this ideology, convincing himself that he was saving himself the worries of a complicated relationship. He had grown up watching James and Sirius torture themselves over girls and he quietly had triumphed in the fact that he would never have a chance to go through such things.
But now things seemed so different. He would gladly accept the sticky situations of a normal relationship if he could only hold her and kiss her whenever he liked. The pros of this tradeoff seemed to far outweigh the cons and nothing was more worth it to him than Tonks.
He gave a small groan, realizing his thoughts were once again lingering on her and quickly took a sip of his tea just as Sirius came bounding in.
"Where the hell is Kreacher?" Sirius practically yelled at him from the other side of the table. Sirius had been in terrible spirits lately. Most of it was due to the unfortunate re-estimation of Lupins tactics around Tonks. Remus had been limiting his time at Grimmauld for fear of running into her and took it upon himself to purposefully spend more time on missions if he could. Sadly, he neglected to realize the effect this was having on Sirius, someone who lived for social contact. Sirius was down yet another companion in the house it seemed and Remus had failed to notice it until just in that moment.
"Last time I saw him was in the library, talking to himself again. I believe he was cleaning out the fireplace." Moody replied calmly, taking another sip of his tea.
"Cleaning?! Please Moony, don't be daft." Sirius gave him a scowling look before noticing the odd face Remus had on. He looked…nervous? Although he wasn't entirely sure if that was the correct word. Sirius had been noticing small changes in Lupin in the past few months, mostly with his appearance. His clothes seemed even shabbier, if possible, and the circles under his eyes seemed to be turning shades darker each day. He eyed his friend.
"Whats on with you?" Sirius asked, coming over closer to Remus.
"Nothing." Lupin replied as collected as possible. He gave a winning smile and took another sip of his tea. Sirius continued to stare at him suspiciously. He knew that Lupin had said it so convincingly that it was obvious to him it wasn't true. He took a short step closer to the man sitting down, already feeling that he knew what was troubling him. The anger once so prevalent on his face, now disappeared as he moved, replaced with worry.
"You know you can't hide anything from me so why do you always try?" Sirius said, taking yet another step and pulling out the chair next to Remus to sit down. Lupin gave a sigh and a wiry smile towards his friend.
"Why is it that you always think I'm hiding something? I can assure you I'm not." He began to stand up as soon as Sirius had sat down, trying hard not to get caught in a conversation he wasn't yet ready to have and began bringing his empty cup to the sink.
"Its Tonks." Sirius says bluntly almost bored, and Lupin, startled at the words, accidentally dropped the cup in his hand onto the floor.
"Bloody hell." Lupin muttered as Sirius gave a small chuckle. Lupin quickly pulled out his wand and mumbled a quiet 'reparo' before reluctantly turning back to his best friend. Sirius smiled smugly up at him, knowing his guess had been correct and with a roll of the eyes Lupin retreated back into the chair. He stared at Sirius quietly with a blank face, making it obvious that if Sirius wanted to know what was going on, he was not going to willingly share it. Sirius eyed him thoughtfully; already knowing what thoughts had past through his friends head for the last year. He gave a sigh, feeling that despite how smart Remus was, he could be absolutely hopeless sometimes.
"Stop god damn over thinking it. Don't you think you've already gotten a shitty enough end of the stick in life?" He said rather grumpy, frustrated with his friends behavior. "You should be appreciating the fact that something good has finally happened."
Lupins remained still, used to Sirius brusque words. He cocked his head slightly to the left.
"You know whats stopping me." He said quietly keeping his eye contact with Sirius.
"Yea, I do. And once again I'll tell you how much of a wanker you are to still be hiding behind that lie." Sirius spat back.
"Its not a lie. It's the curse of reality." Lupin replied while bringing his head back up. He gave a small jump as Sirius slammed a fist onto the table angrily.
"I'm so tired of your bloody self-righteous priorities!" Sirius said standing up, as if not being able to stand being so close to the cause of his anger. "I think thirty some years is enough of forcing yourself into solitude, don't you?"
Remus' cool eyes remained on him, unflinched by Sirius' sudden outburst. If Sirius had to endure thirty years of Remus's moral standing, Remus has also had to endure thirty some odd years of Sirius' emotional outbursts. Remus could swear that he was now so accustomed to his friends explosions that he could start counting them down to seconds.
"Your reasons never stood true with James and me so why couldn't there be an exception to Tonks as well?" Sirius continued, now pacing the floor while lecturing his friend. Rage is etched on his face. "We both lost everything the first time around Remus. Everything! The difference is you still have a chance of redeeming some happiness in your life, where as me, I'm trapped in this hell-hole, haunted by terrible memories of the Blacks!" Sirius stopped for a second, catching his breathe and running a shaky hand through the black hair that had fallen in front of his face during his rant. Remus can't help but give him a look of pity, realizing the tortured honesty in his words.
"Do you realize that everyone of us turned into a tragedy? Do you?" Sirius said coming close to Remus. "Peter turned into a traitor of the worst kinds, James and Lily diedRemus… before they even had a chance to live. And me? Look at me." Sirius said throwing his hands hopelessly into the air. "I'm useless and angry as hell at the world." He pauses placing a hand on Remus' shoulder. "You were the only one of us who ever had a smidge of a chance, and now your running away from it. I was so bloody happy to escape Azakban, to finally find you. But when I finally did I realized that you had willingly put yourself into your own prison all those years too. It killed me to see that. You might as well been in Azakban with me mate."
Remus blinked at him, knowing that his speech dripped with so much truth, he was ashamed to have never noticed it before.
"I would like to see at least one of my best friends come out better from this war." Sirius said, taking a step back from him. "We've already sacrificed enough for it."
He stood there silent for a while, retreating into his own thoughts of the words he had just uttered. Both men long knew them to be true, but neither of them had ever said the words out loud. Now that they were so blatantly communicated, the air seemed heavier for it.
Lupin stared up in shock at Sirius, not fully grasping the idea that Sirius had shared something so intimate. It was odd to say the least. Sirius had regular outbursts, even when they were young, though slightly less often, but they were always bitter rants about the Blacks or teachers, nothing nearly so exposing as this one had been. Remus felt an array of emotions swell inside him. Pride, love, remorse, pity, all mixed into one. Since when had Sirius become so profound? He had chastised Remus for his behavior, which was nothing new, but he had correctly chastised him, which was an entirely new concept. Sirius was right.
"Dare I even mention of the incredible odds of a beautiful and funny woman like Tonks falling for someone like you?" Sirius says with a smirk, interrupting the silence that had filled the room. "If I was you, and thank Merlin I'm not, I would grab the first woman that came my way and snog, shag, and love her until the rest of my days." Sirius gave a friendly laugh, eager to return the conversation to a less serious one.
Remus only continued to stare at him, still contemplating his words from before. The sudden realization of Sirius' complexity made Lupin remember another time when he had doubted his friend.
"I'm sorry I never believed you Sirius." He said solemnly, remembering.
Sirius, still standing gave him a look of confusion, not understanding his meaning.
"When you were in Azakaban…I'm sorry I never doubted what was said about you. I accepted it as a reality when I should've fought to get you out." Remus replies.
Sirius' face dropped quickly at the confession and stood still, doubtfounded. "Well that's… that's besides the point, Moony." He began, not sure what he should say.
"Still." Lupin interrupted. "I never said it to you and you've never ask, which only makes you more of a friend than I could imagine." He paused, an overwhelming feeling of regret filling inside of him. " There was a time when I did find happiness. It was in Hogwarts when I made friends with the two best people in the wizarding world all because a small blacked haired boy forced me too." He smiled for a moment at the thought before it quickly vanished again. " I should've known."
Sirius couldn't help but to shift his weight awkwardly. He scrunched up his face, looking almost pained, still eyeing Lupin. They were certainly turning into woman, he thought as the sentimental conversation ran through his mind. He searched desperately for the right words but came up with nothing. He had forgiven Remus a long time ago and wanted nothing better than to forget what had happened all those years ago. They had both made so many mistakes back then.
"I like you too Moony." He said half joking and Lupin let out a brilliant laugh, finally releasing a lightness into the room again. Sirius smiled with him.
"I'll try and heed your advice then." Remus added after taking a breath as Sirius started to turn to leave the kitchen, not thinking he could handle anymore thoughtful conversations.
"Oh good." He replied, pausing at the door. "Then you can start tonight because Tonks and some others will be here in about five minutes." He gave a wide smile as he saw Lupin freeze with tension.
"You. Arse." Remus said shocked, staring at him. "You've been stalling me this whole time!" He said accusingly and began to move towards Sirius.
Just than the doorbell rang and Sirius literally jumped out of Lupins reach as the cries of Mrs. Black began. Lupin could hear Sirius laughter carrying through the hallway and he could already feel the burning red sensation starting to run throughout his body at the thought of seeing Tonks so soon. He gave a loud moan of defeat as he started heading out the door down the hall to join Sirius and the guests who had just arrived.
XxxxX
After polite conversation, Kingleys, Moody, Tonks, Sirius, and Lupin finally retreated into the library, where they had, as Lupin had said, found Kreacher peering around the fireplace. Sirius cursed at him and asked Kreacher to fetch refreshments for the guests. He had just been informed by Moody that Dumbledore was to meet with them as well, some point tonight to go over something 'incredibly serious', as Moody had put it. It had seemed to Lupin that Sirius' mood lifted slightly at this news. Time had passed by quietly as the few members conversed with eachother.
She looks gorgeous, Remus thought, eyeing the electric blue haired beauty from across the library. Remus was currently standing with Kingleys on the opposite end of the room, trying desperately to focus his attention on Kingleys conversation with him and not on the back of the head of Tonks. He had stared at her relentlessly for the past hour since they had come, unable to focus his mind on anything other then how much he longed to talk to her. Had it been two months since he last saw her? He couldn't remember, he could have sworn it had been much longer than that. Seeing her now and feeling the way he was, had to be some sort of testament of his addiction to the colorful witch.
When they had first arrived, Lupin had bravely held a conversation with her and she responded so kindly to the gesture of him finally talking with her that the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes never stopped showing for the entirety of their conversation. Unfortunately, Lupin found himself becoming so nervous under her dark eyes that he eventually excused himself, feeling as if she could literally see the sweat forming on his brow.
Now he was determined to try again. Just as he was about to excuse himself from Kingsley, however, Sirius cried out a loud yell from where he was standing near the fireplace.
"What the devil do you want, Snape?" he cried into the fireplace. As Lupin looked more closely he could see the head of Snape clearly made from the flames of the fire. That was odd, he thought. Snape had never flooed them before. The other members in the room started making their way over to where Sirius stood.
"I believe that Harry Potter and several other students might have just left for the Department of Mysteries." Snape said with a slight panic in his voice.
"What?!" cried Sirius and Lupin at the same time, horrified.
"How could you have let this happen?!" Sirius added, raging at Snape through the fire. Snape scowled in response.
"The boy is nonsensical! They left under the impression that you," he said nodding towards Sirius "are being held prisoner there."
"Merlin," Tonks said "Its bound to be a trap, we have to leave now!" She already began grabbing her wand, Sirius and the others closely following her example.
"Sirius, I'd advise you to stay where you are." Snape said, slightly smug. "We need someone at Grimmaulds for when Dumbledore arrives to tell him what happened."
"Like bloody hell I will! I'm not staying here you idiot while my godchild is about to face Voldemort!" Sirius spat back, hatred dripping off of his words. Lupin grabbed his arm lightly and Sirius shrugged it away.
"He might be right Sirius." Lupin said quietly, readying for his friends second outburst of the day.
"BUGGER OFF!" Sirius yelled, red in the face. "I'm going to Harry!" He turned suddenly and looked at Kreacher, who had huddled himself into the corner.
"Kreacher, tell Dumbledore where we went when he gets here, understand?" Sirius yelled at him. Kreacher nodded his head with what Lupin could have sworn was a smile, but Sirius turned back on him before he had time to contemplate it any further.
"Good enough?!" Sirius roared at him. Lupin merely pulled out his wand and readied to disapparate, decided that it was more important that they don't waste anymore time.
He waited until Kingsley, Moody, and Sirius had gone and all that was left was Tonks and him. She looked at him, almost pleading with her dark eyes, now full of determination.
"Be careful." She said in barely a whisper and then disappeared before he could respond. Lupin followed close behind her.
A/N:
*Sniff I had to get in one good Remus and Sirius chapter before the dreaded fight of the DOM. *Sigh, I'm sure you all know what the next chapter will be like….
Thank you all for being so patient, I know I'm a little late on my 'weekly' updates. But I'm going to try and get another one it asap.
Special thanks to everyone who has commented! You guys are great!
To Cassie3, tPOH, and Rachrocksdotcom- Thank you all so much! I'm glad you are enjoying this fanfiction as much as I am writing it! I wanted to thank all of you, but neither of you have an account…so I will in my chapters! Thanks again! tPOH, I think its great that you'd check this everyday, but I assure you I won't be able to post that often lol. I promise to get a chapter in a week, if not more! Hope I do not disappoint you too much.
