Edward followed me out of the rec room, but from a distance so no one knew he was following me. I could feel that he was eager. And why shouldn't he be? I was going to find a way to make the sexual tension an actual act.
I turned down a dark hallway, stopping to open a door. When I was successful, I walked into the room, which was actually a storage room. I sat on the desk, waiting for a few minutes, until the door opened, someone walked in, and the door shut.
"Bella?" he said into the darkness.
"No," I giggled, "it's the boogeyman." I felt my way toward him, considering it was darker than black in the room. My hands collided with his chest, flat but toned. I sighed internally.
His hands rose up my arms, over my shoulders and down my back, resting at my waist. I stepped closer to him, my body pressed against his. I was ready to go all the way. Being a virgin didn't matter to me anymore. Not when I was being touched the way he was touching me. However, I wasn't such a slut to lose my virginity in a fucking closet. Hell no.
His lips found mine, his kiss rough and wanting, and I was ready to give. His mouth was hot, his tongue soft as it collided with mine. I curled my arms around his neck as his hands rose from my waist to my ribcage, then higher up until I felt them graze the sides of my breasts.
"Yes, like that," I said to him, breaking our kiss for a half second. He didn't question my authority, as I thought he wouldn't. He was a guy and he had a dick, so I would imagine he wouldn't say no. His hands slid between us and palmed my breasts, his big hands pressing against them. I moaned in his mouth and he groaned in return. His hands disappeared from my chest, only to be placed on the backs of my thighs. Edward picked me up and I gasped in surprised. Hmm, strong and sexy . . . I sure was a lucky girl. Think of the amazing positions we could fuck in with that kind of strength. He sat me down on the desk and slid between my open legs, his hard body pressed so hard against mine.
Fuck, this was so good. I wanted him this way. I'd told him so. I just didn't think it would feel so good.
I let my fingers explore underneath the shirt he'd been wearing, tracing the lines of his muscles as he grunted in my mouth. His kisses fell from my lips in a trail to the base of my neck, where he kissed and sucked, surely leaving unexplainable red marks.
I pushed him away. "You can't do that to me," I whispered. "They'll know."
He laughed a low, sexy sound that made my legs quiver. "I don't give a fuck," he said to me. I grinned, pulling my shirt over my head, bearing my bra-clad chest to him. I took his hands so he could feel the exposed skin. He leaned down and I arched my back instinctively, letting him kiss the swell of my breasts. He left marks on my, all over my collar and my chest and I returned the favor.
"Come here," he said. Edward found my lips with his, mouths hot and open, tongues eager to taste, hands going where they shouldn't have been. Edward's fingers slipped past the waist band of my track pants, but I stopped him.
"I don't think so, Edward," I whispered to him. He continued to kiss my neck, raising his hand up to my waist.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Not yet. I want to be able to see your face when I come," I said to him, moaning softly. He pushed me back, so I was lying on the desk. He climbed on top of me, reaching my lips. His body on top of mine felt different than what I'd imagined. It felt good, sexy. He put a hand on my chest, undoing the clasp that held my bra together. They poured out, and his hand covered one, and then pinched my nipple, until I cried out a little, the pleasure sending a jolt through my body.
"Yes," I said. I put a hand on the back of his neck, bringing him closer as my legs linked behind his back. He took my wrists in his hands, putting them over my head, holding me down. I moaned out his name, and his grip tightened . . . so much that it was painful. I squirmed, conflicted with how I felt about it.
One part of me liked it, while the other was hurting.
"Edward, you're hurting me," I said softly. He didn't stop. I wriggled out of his grasp, gaining control of my arms. I pushed him off of me. "Edward, stop."
Edward sat up, his legs straddling my waist. I smiled softly too myself. I reached out for him with my hand, bumping into his stomach. I found his hand and took it.
"I'm sorry Bella," he said.
"You were really aggressive Edward. What's wrong?"
He was silent for a minute. I just lay back, waiting patiently for him to tell me.
"I don't know anything anymore, Bella. I thought I was so sure of myself, I thought I knew what to do, but now I'm confused."
I fixed my bra and shifted so I could wrap my arms around him. We both climbed off of the desk, holding each other.
"I think I might want to go live with my sister. She said my parents kicked me out of their house completely," he said. His voice was rough, angered by the news. And I would have been too. Edward's parents were dicks though. Instead of helping him, they were throwing him out. He deserved so much more.
"Alice . . . she came to visit me today. And Rosalie, but all we did was fight. I actually talked to Alice." He shook his head and I hugged him tighter. I rested against his chest, feeling his breathing.
"Those people don't matter," I said. "If you wanted, you could make it alone. You're not dependent and that's a good thing. Why don't you just get your own apartment?" I asked him.
"And what? Be alone?" he said. "That's the reason I'm here." He didn't say anything for a long while, only leaned down to kiss my lips. He was gentle, his lips soft and careful. He was scared he was going to hurt me again. "Or are you trying to come with me," he said. His voice sent chills down my spine. Fuck yeah I would have gone with him in a heartbeat. But that hadn't been what I'd been thinking.
"That's not what I meant," I said to him. I hugged around his waist, my fingers slipping underneath his shirt to lay my hands on his warm skin.
He chuckled. "Don't get so defensive Bella, I was only joking." I could feel his body tense slightly. "I'm sorry about hurting you." Edward's whisper was so soft, I almost didn't hear it. I shrugged.
"It's no big deal."
"It is a big deal."
"Edward. Get over it. I kind of liked it, actually," I murmured.
"Only you." He chuckled and I tightened my arms around him.
He leaned down to kiss him and then we left, a few minutes apart. I'd arrived at the rec room where everything was as it had been left. I sat down where Edward and I had been playing cards. Edward joined me a few minutes later, sitting in front of me. We continued playing our game like nothing happened.
I looked up at Edward and I winked.
He smiled.
EPOV
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I don't even know how I could have waited so long for a kiss like that. With her. Finally. But of course, I had to go fuck it up by hurting her. I guess it was true about virgins being delicate and all that shit.
I lay on my bed. Free time had been over and it was only three o' clock. Group wasn't until four, and with the way time was slowly ticking by, four o' clock was never going to get here.
Just touching her . . . I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of here.
Shit . . . did it really just dawn on me that I wasn't going to be anywhere near her? She was all the way in Arizona, and I lived, or was going to live with Alice. How the fuck are we ever going to be together then? It's worse than being here!
I can't believe I was so stupid . . . fuck. And all the things we'd talked about. I wondered if Bella had realized the same thing. That she was going to live hundreds of miles away and even seeing each other physically was out of the question. And that was the point. To get out of here and see her. Touch her. Do things that we'd been waiting months to do together.
I was so fucking frustrated now. For one, I was hung up about a girl-that had never happened to me. Two, I was sexually frustrated. I wanted to fuck her. And I respected the fact that she didn't want to do it in a closet, but still. My dick was going to explode if I didn't do something with it. And three, I'd just decided I was going to live with my sister who'd been MIA for three years.
Argh. I felt like screaming.
I paced at the end of my bed, wonder just what the fuck I was going to do.
I went into the hallway, walking up to the reception desk in the boy's hall. Angela was sitting there, and I was happy about that.
"Hey," she said. "What wrong?"
"I just wanted to know if I could use the phone for a second. Am I allowed to do that?"
"Have you made a call this week?" she asked. I shook my head. She looked at the computer, touching the screen.
She pursed her lips for a second, and then smiled genuinely. "Then, yeah, it's fine. Give me the number."
I recited the number by memory, and then she handed me the receiver.
It rang. I was nervous. I hadn't called Alice since I was eight.
It rang again. I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing.
"Hello?" Alice's voice sounded surprised.
"It's me, Edward," I said to her.
"Oh. Give me a sec." There was some shuffling, and I could hear her say, "It's my brother. Hold other calls and meetings until I'm finished."
I smiled to myself. She really was making an effort.
"Were you busy?" I asked her.
"No, what's up?" she asked.
"I want to live with you. You know? I mean, I want you to-yeah." I sighed and Alice laughed.
"Great. I'm so happy. I'll have some people move your things from Mom and Dad's. Oh my God, this is great Edward. I'm so happy you decided for this. There's a great school nearby . . . it's an Art School. It's like an academy-you'll love it there."
"That awesome," I said to her. I was actually happy about this-it was what I wanted. But I already missed Bella. And maybe this meant she wasn't the girl for me. Maybe I only like her because she tried to do the same thing I did.
Fuck if I know. All I did know was my sister was fucking trying. And I'm happy about that.
"Okay. Is there anything else?" she said.
"No."
"Okay, well, then I'll see you Saturday." She paused for a second and sighed. "I love you."
"I know," I said. She hung up after a minute of silence on her part. I wondered what she was waiting for. I handed Angela back the receiver, and she smiled genuinely at me, dismissing me back to my room without a single word.
In my bedroom, I lay on the floor, closing my eyes. What the hell? I didn't know anything about anything anymore. All I knew was I wanted to be really wasted right now, at some girls house, where nothing mattered except who was going to sleep with whom, and who was buying the next bag of weed.
I wanted to be back there. And selfishly, I wished I'd never tried anything, so my life wouldn't be this pathetic, this needy.
But I couldn't fully believe that I wanted to be back in Seattle, not having met Bella. Sure. She was as crazy as I was, but I still liked her. More than I liked any girl. And today in the closet . . . it blew my mind. I couldn't believe it, that we'd been hiding away, making out. And not getting caught at all.
When it was finally time for group, an orderly knocked on my door and let me leave the room. Riley walked up to me, saying hello. And I guess he was a good candidate for a friend. A potential friend, because he did need some work.
"You and Isabella . . . disappeared," he said.
"Really? I had to go talk with a counselor. Bella had a meeting with her doctor." I was good at lying, so Riley bought. And I was happy.
"Oh." He paused. "She's . . . she's hot," he said to me.
I said nothing for a second, debating whether I should ask him not to talk about Bella that way, or agree. "She is." I took the easy way out. And even though it was hard for people not to notice that Bella was sex on legs, I didn't like it that people said so. I already knew this. They didn't have to remind me.
"You're lucky."
I didn't say anything. Bella and I weren't officially together. And who would want to be when we were stuck in a place like this? We were only on level three. Who knew how long it was going to take us to get the fuck out of here?
So really, I wasn't all that lucky. She liked me, I liked her, but it would be ridiculous to begin a relationship in a fucking place like this.
Group wasn't what I had expected, however.
"All right," Doc said, beginning the lesson. There were no chairs, so everyone was standing. There were little dots on the floor, arranged in a circle, in different colors. But no color was repeated more than twice.
I wasn't in the mood to play these fucking games today.
"Okay, today, we're going to do partner group sessions today. You're going to talk with your partner about the things that have been bothering you and then they'll try to give you some advice. Then your partner will do the same to you and you'll give them advice. Please keep it clean. I won't hesitate to write you up and demote you a level because of failure to apprehend the rules. Don't be insubordinate." Doc looked around, picking up a black bowl with little slips of papers.
And no I was sure I wasn't going to get Bella as a partner.
Half of the room got to pick out a slip of paper. I just waited for my partner to find me so that I could get on with my life.
"Hi, I'm Heidi."
I looked up to see a girl, with long jet black hair and dark blue eyes. She was the kind of pretty that was annoying, like the girls in my school. They were pretty, but they were easy.
"Edward," I said bluntly.
She swayed her hips in a way she knew I would watch her. She was hot, but it wasn't working for me. I . . . wasn't attracted to her.
"So should I go first or you?" she asked. She had a sort of . . . tone to her voice, the kind that reminded me of sex. And how could she not? She was a bombshell, and I was a guy. Put two together . . . and I was surprised I wasn't humping her leg yet.
"You can go," I said flatly.
"Okay," She smiled. "I'm from Forks. It's this little-"
"I know where it is. Go on."
"Well, there isn't a lot to do in Forks, you know, but I . . ." she grinned. "I killed people."
I just stared at her. Bored. "Really."
"Yeah." She seemed proud of her . . . . achievements. "When boys would piss me off, I would lead them to a secluded, dark place, and then," she drew a line across her neck with her forefinger. I laughed.
"Do you really expect me to believe that you killed people?" I said to her.
"Believe what you want," she said with a snarl. I think it was safe to say that I'd pissed her off. "But if we were in the real world, you would have been next."
I grinned at her.
She didn't.
"Well, good luck with that," I said to her.
"And what about you? What did you do?" she asked me. "Lie to your mommy?" She flipped back her hair with an expert flick of her wrist. Her eyes were big and blue, undressing me.
"Suicide."
"Aww, the poor baby was feeling unloved." She changed her stance, placing her hands on her hips. She was smiling. "Is that what was wrong? Mommy didn't love you anymore?"
"Because the little girl who kills boys is loved by her mommy? You're starving for attention, Heidi. This is just so people can see you, so you'll be known for all of the bad things you've done. Daddy probably fucked you up when you were a little girl, so you feel the need to retaliate on the male species," I said to her. "You don't like boys because Daddy did things to you."
"How did you know that?" she asked me. Her smile faded. Her eyes were darker and she looked like she was ready to attack me. "I've never told anyone about that." She looked down, her fist balling up, her knuckles white. And for some reason, I managed to feel satisfied by it. By her internal pain.
Being her was making me more fucked up.
"Because you're easy," I said to her. "Easy to read, easy to talk to, and I'm pretty sure, all of those boys you killed had it easy to get into your pants."
I triggered her emotion, sending her over the edge. So she lunged at me, her sharp nails dragging at my skin, drawing blood. She managed to hit my jaw, where she made three perfect lines parallel to my jaw line. I tried to get her hands so she wouldn't scratch me anymore, because believe it or not, it hurt like a fucking bitch. And I was above hitting a girl, but I wasn't going to stand there and let her kick my ass, either.
Eventually, everyone noticed that she was trying to kill me, and orderlies pulled her off of me. She was so bad they had to use a tranquilizer to get her to calm the fuck down.
She kicked me a few times in the process, so I knew I was going to have a few bruises.
"What happened, Edward?" Doc asked me.
"She told me that she killed boys and I laughed at her. And then I told her what I was here for, and she mocked me, so I tore her apart." I shrugged my shoulders.
Doc looked at me. "She really did kill some boys, Edward. Six of them."
I shrugged. "I'm not that easy to kill, if you haven't noticed, Doc," I said to him with a sly grin. He shook his head.
"Go to the nurse and get cleaned up. You're covered in blood."
I walked out of the room, down past the receptions desk and into the room marked "Infirmary."
"Well, what happened to you?" the nurse asked me.
"A girl decided to use me as her scratching post," I said flatly. The nurse smiled. She cleaned me from the blood, and dabbed a little bit of medicine to keep it clean an speed up the healing.
"I don't want you shaving for a few days, you'll irritate it," she said. I nodded.
But as for the scratches on my neck and chest, she had to put butterfly band aids on them since Heidi's nails were long and sharp, getting deep into my skin.
Seeing how I was hurt so bad, I wondered why it wasn't painful. I mean, I stood there and took everything she gave me.
And maybe, I didn't sort of like it.
I never thought I'd be something like a masochist. I mean, I was a person who tried to stay away from pain. And now that I think about it, all of it . . . .
"Okay, you can go back to group, now, Edward." She dismissed me and I walked back to group where Doc looked disappointed at me.
"Go read a book or something until the others are finished." Doc ordered. I did, going to the bookshelf and picking up As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner.
Doc looked at the clipboard he was holding and then sent me off since Dr. Mansfield was free.
Down the hallway, I thought more about my . . . suicide.
"Come in Edward," Dr. M said. I did, walking in and sitting down on the sofa. "What's wrong? Our session isn't until tomorrow," he said.
"I think I figured out why I tried to kill myself."
Dr. Mansfield was surprised that I'd said so. I'd been avoiding talking about my suicide ever since I'd been here.
"Please explain Edward," he said.
"Well, I think I might be sadistic. And/or masochistic," I told him.
"How so?"
"Well, Heidi attacked me and I realized, I didn't feel attacked. It was more of a sexual thing. I think I liked that she scratched me like that."
"Heidi Reynolds?" he asked.
"Yes."
"So you think your sexual tendencies might be linked to sadism and/or masochism?" he asked me. Of that, I wasn't sure. But . . . it could be true.
"Probably, but anytime I've ever had sex with a girl it was normal sex. Nothing out of control, and I'd never hurt a girl. But I think my suicide is . . . an act of sadism."
"Why are you thinking all of this, Edward?"
"Because when Heidi attacked me, I realized I liked it. And then when Rosalie came to visit me, I enjoyed the fact that she was squirming and struggling . . ." I trailed off relishing in the fact that she was bothered by my hate for her. But I didn't really hate Rosalie. I didn't I just hated the way she fucking treated me.
"So you think you tried to kill yourself because you wanted to inflict pain on someone else?" I could hear Dr. Mansfield's pencil scribble on his paper.
"Yes . . . my family. I wanted them to feel pain. So I tried . . . don't you think I would have chosen a better method? My father is a doctor. I would have known what kind of medicine mixture would have been fatal, except I went into my mother's stash of medicines . . . completely harmless drugs, a mixture of sedatives . . . . somehow, I knew I wasn't going to die. At least it was a subconscious thought. I never wanted to die, but just watch the pained look on their faces.
"I remember thinking to myself I would never give my mother the satisfaction of seeing me dead. Because I never wanted her to be satisfied. I wanted her to feel the way I felt." I sighed, running my fingers through my hair.
"So you mean to tell me that you're not suicidal?" Dr. Mansfield asked.
I shrugged. "Yeah. I'm just a sadistic, masochistic sex-addict."
"And you've come to the conclusion that you're a sex-addict how?"
I laughed. "I do it all the time." I smiled. "Well, I did," I corrected. "And when I can't . . . I have these weird fantasies about girls I would like to sleep with."
"And do you sleep with them?"
"Sometimes. I mean, I can't go around sleeping with middle aged women, you know." I shrugged again. "Or married women. Contrary to what you may think, I have morals."
Dr. Mansfield raised an eyebrow. "Explain."
"Well. I don't sleep with people who are in relationships. It's unethical, and stupid. And I also have an age limit. No one over twenty five."
"You've slept with women who were twenty five years old?" he asked. I nodded.
"It's not hard to get into a girl's pants, Dr. Mansfield. I've never had to try. It's just that simple for me."
"And because of the ease, you've managed to build an addiction?"
"Yeah. I like having orgasms. Constantly. I become like a person without a cigarette if I go without it too long," I said. Which was true. Only, since I was forced to keep my dick in my pants here, I had to use other resources to reach an orgasm.
"Interesting."
"Yeah."
"And your fantasies, on a scale of one to ten, ten being the most graphic, how graphic are they?" he asked.
I thought for a second, and grinned. "Well, I'd say about a ten."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"But you have no suicidal thoughts?"
"No. I'm actually going to live with my sister when I'm finished with this thing. She invited me to stay with her." I smiled. "I couldn't say no to her."
"Wow, Edward. I can honestly say that you've progressed since the first day I've sessioned with you."
"Thank you."
"And I also see no reason to keep you here."
I turned my head to look at Dr. Mansfield. "What?"
"You may have an addiction to sex, Edward, but you're also a teenaged boy with an active libido. It's not uncommon for young men your age to want to have sex all the time."
"So what then?" I asked him. "I can just leave?"
He nodded. "You're done here."
"How do you know I'm not lying to you?" I asked him.
"Because I've seen your tox screen. What you've just told me matches with the facts. And even though you were here as a suicide case, you aren't suicidal. I can assess that through your behavior. The way you sit and stand. The way you talk, how you use your hands when you speak. Realize this, Edward, you're not the type of person that would commit suicide fully. Only to grab someone's attention." He smiled. "And you've realized it yourself.
I just stared at him. I . . . was done with this. I was free to go.
So why did I feel so sad?
"I'll have Angela call your sister."
And with that I was dismissed. I tried to protest against it-I couldn't just leave Bella alone in this hell-hole. But I would be dismissed from the center altogether if I tried to stay.
They would know I would be trying to stay because of her. And they would make me leave.
I walked to the rec room since it was free time. Bella and Jane were sitting together, messing around and drawing on each other with the markers we were supplied with.
Bella looked up at me a grinned. "Hey there, stranger," she said.
I smiled at her. She was so fucking happy, and I felt like a piece of shit for what I was about to tell her.
"Hey, Edward," Jane said. "We were just talking about you." She smiled absently.
"Well, when you speak of the devil-"
"He shall appear," Bella finished. She had that sexy grin I knew so well, one that could have made me want to fuck her.
"Bells."
"Yeah, Eddie?"
"Can I talk to you, just for a second?"
Her smile faded and her eyes were sad. She stood up form where she was sitting, and we walked a few feet away to our corner where we played our card games.
She took my hand. "You're leaving me, huh?" she said.
I nodded.
Her eyes watered up. She looked down, her hair falling over her shoulders. "Lucky," she whispered.
I put my fingers under her chin, lifting her face. Her tears had made little rivers down her face. She pulled me into a hug, her arms around my neck and her body pressed tightly against mine. She was so warm and alive . . . how could I want to kill myself after having experienced her? I wanted more. And I wasn't going to stop until I got it.
"I'm going to fucking miss you," she whispered.
"I know. i'll miss you too," I said to her.
She laughed. "Now I wished we would have had sex, boyfriend," she said.
I smiled at her. "Is that what I am to you? Your boyfriend?" I asked. She shrugged.
"You're so much more to me than that Edward. You're my other half, my best friend. And possibly my soul mate." She smiled. "You're mine."
"Promise?"
"Forever."
I leaned down to kiss her, and she kissed me back, hard and fervently, like she fucking meant it. I held her to me, and as cheesy as it was, I didn't want to let her go.
"Hey, break it up, you two," an orderly shouted. Bella rolled her eyes.
"Give us a break. We still have our clothes on," Bella retorted. "Write to me, okay? Like that poem you wrote about me," she said with a smile.
"Are you mad?" I asked her. Because I sure as hell was.
"Not really," she said. "I have Jane here with me, and Riley's pretty cool. They're not as cool as you are," she grinned, "but I'll manage."
I laughed.
I looked at the doorway and Alice was standing there, in all her glamourous glory.
"Hey," she said.
I smiled at her. i looked at Bella.
"Alice, this is Bella," I said.
"It's wonderful to meet you, Bella," Alice said to her. Bella looked up at her with sparkling eyes. I knew they would like each other.
"It's great to meet you too," Bella said. She slid an arm around my waist, and I hugged her.
She didn't say anything, and I could tell she was trying not to cry.
"I love you," I said to her.
She looked surprised. "Me? You love me?"
"How could I not?" I said to her.
"That's true," she teased. "I'm kind of amazing."
"You are." i kissed her again and she giggled.
"I love you too."
Alice pulled me away then and I followed her up to my room where she helped my pack all of my things. She seemed pressed about something, like she was in a fucking mood. Maybe she was on her period.
"You love her?" she said softly.
I smiled. "Yeah. I do."
"Why?"
"Because she's the only person who cared about me from the first time she met me. And she never stopped." I shrugged. "I mattered to her. And she fucking matters to me."
As good as it felt to be free from this place, it would always remain that I was still going to miss Bella.
"I didn't know you were that close," she said.
"She's my best friend."
Alice smiled.
Before we left, I saw Bella one last time. She made me promise I wouldn't forget her. like that was even possible. And then, I was outside, breathing the air of Vermont, ready to board a plane to Seattle, Washington, to live with Alice.
In the car, Alice turned to me and said, "I put my phone number down on her list of emergency contacts, Edward."
I smiled. Even though I wanted to fucking kill something, things were still right in the world.
I just had to wait for Bella to accomplish three levels. That shouldn't be too hard. Right?
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