Of Sneezes and Weasels
Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto didn't give me Naruto for my birthday like I asked, so I still don't own it.
Author's Note: Wow...the FINAL chapter... I never thought I would make it this far. I always thought this would be one of the stories that gets about a review a month for...well...like three months, and is forgotten for the rest of its time here on Being my first multi-chapter as well as the first ever fic of mine that has received people asking for updates, this thing is my, for lack of a better word, baby. Yes, my baby is a fanfiction featuring two-dimensional characters from the anime Naruto. God, I crack myself up.
Warning: Contains the overly played past of Itachi as told by Itachi. Be prepared to hear the story of the Uchiha massacre for the 48,019th time.
Enjoy!
Chapter Seven: Of Stories and Endings
"Weasel-kun."
The man in question did not reply.
"Weasel-kun."
He ignored her.
"Weasel-kun."
Actually, he gave no indication that he had even heard her.
"WEASEL-KUN!!!"
"What?" Itachi finally responded, albeit a bit reluctantly.
Glaring, the blond kunoichi answered, "Your face."
Already dressed in his Kazekage robes, Gaara passed and said, "That was pathetic, Temari," before walking out the door.
A scowl now joining her heated glare, Temari crossed her arms impudently with a light huff. Her boyfriend just rolled his eyes.
After a moment or so in silence, he finally remarked, "You know, he's right. That was pretty pathetic, especially for you, and that is a miracle in itself."
Kankurou, also prepared for the day with his black cat-hood and purple kabuki face paint and running after his younger brother through the door, agreed, "Yup. That was really sad."
"What the hell? Why is everyone against me?!!"
"Because it was one of the most pathetic things any of us have seen in our lives," Itachi replied for him, Gaara, and Kankurou, seeing as the latter two could not answer themselves because they were not present any longer unless they could somehow send astral projections like the Akatsuki Leader, which is rather doubtful.
"Whatever." Her scowl deepened. "Anyways, I was just wondering—"
"About what?"
Her eye twitched at his interruption. "About you."
The Uchiha turned his head towards her, raising a curious eyebrow. "What about me?"
Temari smirked. Ah, yes. What about him? Especially that sexy ass… Mm…
Ignoring her slightly perverted inner thoughts and sucking in the almost seeping drool, the blonde instead answered, "Everything," which was still quite suggestive if one has as demented a mind as some might. (-coughs-)
"Everything?" he echoed skeptically.
"Well, you know. You know so much about me, yet I know so little about you," she explained. "Actually, I think I know more about your teammates than I know about you, Weasel-kun."
Itachi fully turned his body around to directly face the kunoichi. "What do you want to know about me, then?"
"Everything!" she repeated. "Your likes, your dislikes, past, your family and friends," he winced inwardly at that, "hobbies, collections, deceased pet goldfish—"
"I didn't have any goldfish…"
"That's beside the point!" Temari shouted exasperatedly at his second interruption. "I just want you to tell me about…well…you for once!"
"Okay, okay," the prodigy said, holding his hands up in defense. "Just let me figure out on where to begin."
He stood, thinking, and the blonde watched him intently, waiting patiently.
"Do I have to?" Itachi asked, sulking morosely.
Temari rolled her eyes. "Yes, you damn have to."
"But…why?"
"Because I said so!" He winced at her unusually logical answer. After all, no one would like to face the full wrath of the blond Sand kunoichi in her foulest of moods.
"Fine…" the Uchiha sighed acquiescently. "This will take a while." And then, Itachi went into his uber-cool and occasionally boring storyteller mode.
As soon as I was born, my father took it upon himself to make the heir to the Uchiha clan the most powerful of shinobi. I began training at an early age, and I had soon graduated from the Konoha Academy with the top grades at the age of seven. By the next year, I had mastered my Sharingan. When I was ten, I passed the Chuunin Exams, and I became an ANBU squad leader at thirteen. I had exceeded the hopes of my clan.
My father was constantly urging me to become better, ignoring my younger brother, Sasuke. Sometimes, he would completely 'forget' about important events, such as Sasuke's entrance ceremony to the Academy. My father focused on me, not out of love but rather to nurse the clan's relationship with the village since I was their main connection.
And so, being more of an accommodation than a person to the clan, I was treated with enough respect, but none sincere. Except from my little brother.
It was then, half a year after my ANBU initiation, that I decided to take action upon the failings of the Uchiha clan. You see, they had become too withdrawn from Konoha, thus not knowing of their limits since the only people the trained with were others from the Uchiha family. None knew their own capacity, but it wouldn't have mattered since their capacity wasn't all that impressive anyways, for the Uchiha clan had grown weak from their overconfidence in their abilities.
They seemed to have forgotten that just because the Uchiha clan was among the most prestigious of clans, that didn't mean we were the strongest. Yes, many exceptional shinobi did come from our family, but there are many other exceptional ninja who came from others or none at all. For example—the Hokage. Not a single one of Konohagakure's shinobi leaders came from our clan, yet we still deemed ourselves the strongest when, in actuality, the only thing we were best at was perhaps arrogance. Of course, the Hyuuga clan was plenty competition for that title, but we still had our exclusive bloodline limit—the Sharingan.
Anyways, it was then that I decided the clan was hopeless. Those who are hopeless tend to be a hindrance, so I eliminated whatever was holding me back. Soon after, I murdered the entire clan, except for my younger brother Sasuke. I spared him because since he was young, he still had the ability to expand his capacity until he actually proved a challenge for me. Besides, I saw more skill and determination budding in him than I had ever seen in anyone else, except for maybe Shisui. But I needed to expand my own capacity, so I killed him for the Mangekyou.
Once the deed was done, I left Konohagakure and joined the Akatsuki, a criminal organization consisting of S-ranked nukenin from all over the continent. Our goal: world domination through the obtaining of the tailed beasts. We already have some of them, but the prize we want the most is the Kyuubi which is contained in Uzumaki Naruto as you probably know. We haven't gotten that one just quite yet, but among the ones that we have retrieved is the Ichibi, the demon sealed in your brother.
Itachi looked up at Temari, almost apologetically if he were capable of such emotions. "There. I told you everything I know about myself."
The blonde stared at him. "You know, I would have been satisfied if you told me what your favorite color was. You didn't have to spill your entire life story to me," she said after a few moments of silence.
"You deserve to know the truth," he replied. "I couldn't keep it from you any longer, and you were bound to find out anyhow."
The kunoichi smirked. "Aw… How noble of you. I never knew one from the Uchiha clan could be so sweet."
"Hn. Shouldn't you be mad at me?"
"Should I?"
"I'm part of the organization that killed your brother. I would think it would be natural if you felt some sort of hatred towards me. Strong dislike at the least."
She sighed. "When you told me the truth, which I'm glad you did, I tried to hate you. I tried to despise you with every element of my being, but I just can't bring myself to do it."
"So you don't hate me?" The Uchiha's tone was very confused.
"I would if I could. But I just can't seem to hate you," Temari admitted, a soft smile creeping onto her tanned features. "I guess I love you too much. Eh, Weasel-kun? Besides, Gaara was an evil little bugger too when he still had Shukaku… Well, before he met that hyper blond brat. Then he was alright."
He gave her an unconvinced look and apologized, "I'm sorry, Temari. For your brother, I mean. I'm sure it was a blow to you…" But he wasn't sure. A man who had killed his family wouldn't exactly understand the pain of losing a family member. Unless he was insane, that is. Although, that did seem a very likely prospect.
"It's okay. As far as I know, it was those guys Deidara and Akasuna no Sasori who killed him." When Itachi opened his mouth, she held up her hand, interrupting, "No, I don't want to hear it—about how Gaara died and who killed him."
The great Uchiha Itachi was reduced to nodding submissively.
"So, tell me, Deidara is the one who says 'yeah' all the time, right? He sounds annoying."
"He is annoying. And feminine."
Temari laughed at that. "I have got to see pictures of him someday!"
"You don't want to…" he responded with a shudder.
"Okay, okay. I probably don't, anyhow. Girly men aren't exactly my idea of entertainment." The blonde's eye twitched at the slightly (just slightly) disturbing thought.
"EW!" she screeched, falling backwards out of her seat.
Itachi raised an eyebrow at her unforeseen outburst. "Was that completely necessary?"
The kunoichi didn't answer and stared at him with a glazed expression.
The Uchiha then decided he didn't want to know.
"Kankurou, what the hell are we doing?" a certain, irritated Kazekage asked his older brother.
"Sh!" hissed the puppet master, his face practically glued to the window. Metaphorically, of course. It would be rather uncomfortable to have your face literally glued to a window…
Anyhow, the certain irritated Kazekage, who we may now recognize as Gaara, said, "I don't know why you want to spy on Temari, but whatever it is, I will take no part in it. I have more important things to do."
"Uh-huh. Right. Like your so very entertaining paperwork?"
The redhead's eye twitched. "Shut up."
"Oh, c'mon!" Kankurou sighed. "Don't you want to know why that Weasel guy has been staying for so long and has been staying in Temari's room? She doesn't even let me into her room! Why would she let a stranger in over her own brother?"
"The answer to that is obvious, Kankurou," responded Gaara. "Look, she probably has her reasons not to tell us the complete truth, and you know what she does when she catches us spying…"
Kankurou shivered slightly at the not-quite-forgotten memory, but continued his attempt to goad his younger brother into their self-appointed reconnaissance mission. "You are such a stick in the mud…"
"I am not," muttered said 'stick in the mud' with an especially evil glare.
Amending before he died a very gruesome death, the puppet master raised his hands up defensively. "Fine, fine, you're not. Jeez, it was a joke."
"Whatever. I have missions to assign—"
"Which is why I took the liberty of getting Baki-sensei to do it," Kankurou finished for Gaara. "Besides," he continued as he pulled out a camera from nowhere, "this is a great opportunity for blackmail!"
"Where the hell did that camera come from?"
Kankurou grinned. "From a mommy and a daddy camera."
Gaara chose not to reply to his older brother's statement.
Holding the photographic device up to Temari's window, Kankurou snickered quietly to himself. Gaara just stood there, not really wanting to take part, but curious nonetheless. After all, wouldn't anyone be curious if their older sister was having an affair behind their back, yet underneath their roof? Oh, dear, what has been going on underneath their roof?
Gaara's eye twitched.
"I know I seem a cold-blooded murderer in your eyes, but I killed my clan because they were weak. In this world, the weak die, so I simply brought the inevitable upon them quicker. I wanted to rebuild the Uchiha clan so that it could live up to the name my predecessors had strived to achieve."
After his speech, Temari stared at Itachi. "What?"
He rolled his eyes. "I want you to help me rebuild the Uchiha clan."
The blond kunoichi choked. "Is that your twisted way of saying you want to have sex?"
Thankfully, a distraction from the somewhat disturbing conversation popped up, in the form of—
"Get the hell away from my window!" she screamed, throwing said item up and leaping out with her fan in hand.
—annoying little brothers.
Itachi, who was slightly confused at the turn of events (especially since he wasn't anywhere near the window), heard a not-too-subtle "Oh, shit!" and a louder "Shut up!" and a yet louder "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Ah, the joys of family. Wait, his only family hated him. Nevermind then.
Poking his head out of the open window, his dark eyes were met with the amusing sight of Kankurou leaping over a fence (and getting his foot caught, which resulted in him falling over onto the other side). Gaara was nowhere to be seen (Itachi would later learn that Gaara, despite his lack of taijutsu skills, was an excellent sprinter when need be), and Temari was calmly climbing back into her (and his) room through the window.
"Have fun?" he inquired.
She smirked. "Yup. What were you saying before I ran out?"
Sifting his hands through his pockets, Itachi procured a small, black velvet box. "Marry me?"
Jeez, for one of his supposed ingenuity, you would have thought that he would have done something more original. Or cool, at least.
For about the 314th time that day, Temari stared at the man standing before her. Yeah, that's right. Standing, not the traditional and much more romantic kneeling. In fact, he wasn't even holding the opened box out with pleading eyes. Instead, he had plucked the ring from its cushion and was already sliding it onto her finger.
"Hey!" The kunoichi had finally recovered from her dazed state. "I never said 'yes'!"
"Are you implying that you would've said 'no' had I given you the chance?"
"Well…no…but—"
"Enough said. We're getting married."
Getting over her initial indignation, Temari uncharacteristically squealed and wrapped her arms around Itachi's neck. "We're fiancées now!" she exclaimed joyously.
"I love you." Cue the overly clichéd three-word sentence.
"I love you, too, Weasel-kun!" Her reply came totally unexpected. Kindly note the sarcasm.
"Stop that."
"Stop what?" The blonde's tone was all too innocent.
"The Weasel-kun thing."
"But it's your name!"
"My name is Itachi."
"Bless you. What were you going to say your name was?"
"Itachi."
"Bless you. Jeez, do you have a cold coming up? Hold on, that wouldn't make any sense at all 'cause we're in the desert…"
"Kami-sama, woman! My name's Itachi!"
"It is…?"
After a silence in which he glared at the offending blonde, Itachi eventually muttered, "I hate you."
"But you said you loved me, Weasel-kun! You even proposed!"
"Shut up, soy sauce."
"Temari, not Tamari!"
"Itachi, not Weasel!"
"I never said 'weasel'; I always said 'Weasel-san' or 'Weasel-kun'!"
And so on and so forth.
Later, at dinner (which Itachi had cooked again), the newly engaged couple had at last ceased their so very endearing banter. Kankurou and Gaara, both of whom 'mysteriously' acquired scratches and bruises, glared silently at Temari.
Kisame's tooth cleansing ritual was once again interrupted, this time by an excessive knocking at his, and formerly Itachi's, hotel room door.
"Raff puu doo fauft?" he asked the caller, his sharky mouth still filled with bubbly toothpaste.
"Ew, yeah," said our favorite blond, speech-impaired, former Iwa-nin, who we all commonly know as –insert surname- Deidara. "Wash out your mouth before you talk."
Spitting spitefully onto the ground near Deidara's feet (there is just no love in the Akatsuki, sadly), Kisame repeated coherently, "What do you want?"
"Actually, I didn't want anything. Tobi here wanted something, yeah."
The masked…man? boy? nodded his head enthusiastically. "Itachi-san must've cooled off by now, so we wanted to see ask about his G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D."
Hidan, who was standing behind Tobi and Deidara with is partner, rolled his eyes. "For the last time, dipshit, girlfriend is not a bad word."
"But it has to do with G-I-R-L-Z, and G-I-R-L-Z are icky!"
"Dumbass. You spelled 'girls' wrong."
Deidara sighed. "I can't believe you are my partner, Tobi, yeah."
"I know! I can't believe I get to be your partner either, senpai!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, completely and utterly misinterpreting the explosionist's meaning.
Meanwhile, Kisame was groaning at his growing headache, avidly rubbing his temples to ease the increasing annoyance. "Shut up!" he finally shouted to the quarrelling foursome (Kakuzu had joined in somewhere).
When the other missing nin had graciously quieted, he said, "Itachi's not here. He went on a personal mission and won't be back for a while. In fact, I don't even know if he's going to be back at all."
Cue the awkward silence.
"Personal mission, yeah?" Damn it, Deidara, you ruined the cue!
Hidan chuckled. "Sounds like he's going to fuck that blonde."
Tobi gasped and scolded, "Don't say that word, Hidan-san!"
"I'll say whatever the hell I fucking want to," the religious man retorted. "Jashin-sama's on my side, so only you idiots have to watch out with your blasphemy."
"Hidan, kindly shut the hell up. I don't want to hear another one of your religious tirades," Kakuzu snarled.
"That's exactly what I'm talking about!" exclaimed his partner. "With that attitude, you're all going to burn in hell while I laugh at you from heaven."
"Am I really going to hell, Deidara-senpai?" Tobi asked, his voice indicating that he was possibly about to cry.
"Don't worry. You're too stupid to go to hell, yeah," the blonde replied. "I don't think you could get in, even if you tried."
"Okey dokey!" The masked…person's annoyingly cheerful intonation had returned.
Kisame rubbed his temples again, considering locking himself in the bathroom to brush his pointy teeth in peaceful silence.
Sitting together on the roof of their house in the moonlight were Temari and Itachi. While staring at the sky was Shikamaru's forte and staying up late was Gaara's, the couple was enjoying the other's company immensely.
The kunoichi's head was in the prodigy's lap, and he ran his hand gently through her hair, which had been let down in one of its rare moments.
Itachi smiled softly at how close to perfect Temari was, yet she was the farthest thing from it. Her hair was blonde, but in a sandy way, and was incredibly thick. Her eyes were a sharp, dark blue, rather than the soft azure often imagined by some people. Her smooth skin was the farthest thing from fair and delicate, being hardened and tanned by the desert climate. And her personality… Oh, how he could go on about her fiery disposition.
Anyways, Temari thought mirthfully on how she ended up with an Akatsuki member, and an Uchiha at that. After what another Akatsuki and another Uchiha did to her youngest brother, she should hate a combination of the two, but for some reason, she loved Itachi. It was probably 'cause he's cool like that. Yeah…
And while those two were busy thinking about each other, Kisame was thinking about how to throw four certain nukenin out of his hotel room.
Returning to the couple in love, Itachi repeated his words of earlier in the day, "I love you," because he's so original like that.
Temari responded, her eyelids drooping, "I love you, too…Weasel-kun."
"Itachi."
He waited for her usual reply but was met with (sweet?) silence. When he looked down to view her face, he saw that the blonde had fallen asleep.
The Uchiha smiled once more, glad that for once she didn't argue about his name.
That is, until he heard Temari murmur softly in her sleep with a smirk gracing her lips, "Bless you."
A Final Word to the Readers: Yay! A nice fluffy ending! At least I hope it was nice... Anyhow, yes, I brought the Akatsuki gang back in. And I included that loving, dysfunctional family of Temari's! Hm... I don't believe I have any regrets at all, except for those spelling and grammar mistakes I've made. Sorry about those. But I'm so glad that this story has received a majority of positive reviews! Thank you, my wonderful supporters and reviewers! It's been a pleasure writing for you, and I hope you enjoyed the story!
PS- There might be an epilogue or one-shot sequel, but only if people want it and when I'm finished with my upcoming one-shots.
