Bella's POV
I was crying so hard when we left the house; after what my father said to me I could hardly breathe. I didn't understand how he couldn't see that Edward and I were meant for each other. I know he had left but I forgave him, why couldn't my father? As we were driving down the road to Edward's house I couldn't help but cry for the scar on me and my father's relationship. Even if we moved past this and he allowed Edward back into his house, this would always hang over us. I just hoped that he would come around soon because as much as I wanted to live with Edward I missed my father already. Sensing my distress, Edward grabbed my hand and brushed a light kiss across it. I smiled at him and knew in my heart that no matter what happened as long as we were together I would make it through.
"Bella, I know this is hard right now but I promise whatever you need to do I will support you. If you need to go back home and I'm not allowed there I will find another way to see you. I will not hold it against you if you want to patch things up with your father, I completely understand. But believe me it won't be easy for me if that's the path you have to choose but I will respect it regardless. I am so excited to have you at my house though and I know Alice is going to be ecstatic. With two weeks left in Christmas break I know she will be able to find many malls for you two to explore." He chuckled at this from the look on my face, complete horror. I had forgotten about Alice but shopping aside I was excited to be living with her as well. I guess I could endure a few shopping trips as long as it wasn't everyday. I groaned when I thought of having to go back to school but with Edward by my side I knew it would be fine. I couldn't imagine what peoples' reactions were going to be with him back and us together again but I didn't care.
We pulled into his yard and the family was already outside waiting for us. From the look on Carlisle's face, Charlie had already called the house and more than likely threatened the family. I instantly felt terrible for putting them in this situation but just as soon as I felt the regret it was gone with an overwhelming sense of calm I could only guess came from Jasper. We stepped out of the car and I was wrapped up in one of Alice's hugs again. When I pulled out of her arms I turned to Carlisle and Esme to express my regret in coming to live here without considering their wishes. "Carlisle, Esme I just wanted to say how sorry I am that-"Esme interrupted me with her hand, "Bella I know where you are going with this already and I am going to stop you right there. We are happy to have you here and we will try our best to fix this." All I could do was nod in thanks; I was so overcome with gratitude.
Edward and I walked up to his room to get me settled in. He cleared some space in his closet but since I hadn't brought much I knew this was a reason to go shopping with Alice. I turned around to see a queen size four-poster canopy bed with topaz and midnight blue sheets. It was amazing and I found myself being tackled onto it before I could even ask where it came from. As if reading my mind Edward answered my bewildered face, "Alice. She saw you were coming and knew that you wouldn't want to sleep on my couch every night." I smiled and thought that I would have to thank Alice later; this family really didn't spare any expense. Edward and I lay there for a while just enjoying each other's company before my stomach growled. I groaned and before I knew it I was sitting at the table in the kitchen with a stack of pancakes sitting in front of me.
"I hope you don't mind pancakes for supper dear, I didn't get a chance to grocery shop. We barely had time to get the bed in here before you two pulled in. If you want I can make you something else," Esme said wanting to please me. "These are perfect Esme, thank you so much. I can cook for myself though if you ever don't feel like cooking." "Oh nonsense Bella, what else would I be doing? I have plenty of time to cook for you, I miss it truthfully." With that I dug into the pancakes and after I was done Edward had me in my arms again running out the door. He slung me onto my back and in the matter of no time we were lying in the meadow. I loved having him around sometimes, it cut traveling time down dramatically.
"I missed this place. I tried to come here once after you guys left but I got lost in the woods. I couldn't find it without you which I think is good because it wouldn't have been the same if you weren't here with me." I snuggled into his arms and I could feel him studying me. I knew he had something to ask me but I didn't want to push him.
"Bella, something in Charlie's thoughts has been bothering me. I don't want to spoil the mood but I really need to ask you something." I knew right away what he was asking me about but I didn't think I could tell him. He had made me promise to stay out of danger, what would he think of me if he knew what I almost did? "What did you hear? What was Charlie thinking about?" I tried to disguise the trembling fear in my voice but he caught on right away.
"You know what I'm talking about already; I can hear it in your voice and read it on your face. What happened at the creek?" "Edward, I……I can't tell you. You will be angry with me and I don't want to lose you." "Bella please, I promise I won't be mad, just tell me what happened. I have to know what I put you through before I can fully forgive myself. I just want to know what you endured those two months. I promise whatever you tell me can't and won't upset me because it was because of me that you did whatever you did. Please baby just tell me." I could feel him breaking down my will power with his dazzling eyes. I didn't want to give in to him but I was too weak. I felt myself pouring out the story before I even knew what happened.
"It was a few days after you had left; I could hardly make it through an hour without crying. Charlie tried to send me home to Florida but I stayed here because what if you had come back and couldn't find me? I knew he knew that's why I stayed and it bothered him but I wasn't leaving. I still had hoped that you were coming back; I lost that hope about halfway through the second month. So after days of crying I decided that I would go to your house and see if you left any clues to where you went. I figured you went to Alaska but I couldn't be sure and if I was going to come looking for you I had to be sure. So I drove to your house after school one day, barely finding the driveway.
"It took me about an hour to pull up the driveway, I had to keep stopping because the hole in my chest was blinding me," with the words 'hole in my chest' Edward tensed. "Figurative Hole Edward, not real. Anyway I finally made it up to your house and did I pay for that, the pain was surreal. I stumbled up to the door, hardly able to see through all the tears. Finally I made it into the house and collapsed on the floor in the foyer from the smell. You were everywhere, I hadn't smelled you in days, it was like alcohol to an addict, and I could instantly breathe again. I crawled to the staircase and drug myself up there. Finally I made it to your room and I knew that this would make or break me, entering your room again. I pulled myself up with the door handle, took a deep breath, and opened the door." I could feel Edward's arms tightening around me, sensing the pain I was in not just that day but reliving telling this story.
"When that door opened and I stepped in your room my chest tore open so far I could no longer breathe. I fell to the floor and cried so hard I thought I was going to tear my throat from the screaming. It was terrible, not just the tears but the chest splitting shrieks of pain. I ran from your room, fell down the stairs and rolled to a stop by the door. I lurched outside and across your lawn to the creek. The amount of pain I was in, I thought it would have been better if you had just killed me." With that sentence Edward growled low in his chest and when I looked at him there was such misery in his eyes I regretted ever agreeing to tell this story. I leaned up and kissed him softly on the lips to try to relieve some of the regret but he looked just as pained when I pulled away. "Continue," was all he said before closing his eyes to hide the pain.
"When I saw the creek I thought about how easy it would be, to just end my life, since it had already ended when you left. Nothing but you leaving entered my head, not Charlie or Renee or anyone. I couldn't think of anything but not wanting to survive if you weren't with me. So I jumped in and let myself sink. It was terrible I know and completely selfish but just being in your house and knowing I wasn't enough to keep you here, I couldn't take it anymore. I was crying as I sunk fighting my body's reactions to resurface. My vision began to swim with dots and I almost swam back up but I just thought of you gone and me alone and that kept me on the bottom. I must have eventually blacked out because the next thing I knew I was coughing up water with Jake looming over me and my father frantically was calling an ambulance.
"Jake had been driving to my house when he saw me pull down the path and had gone to find my father, not knowing you lived down here. He didn't know where I was going and decided that getting Charlie would be a better bet. They made it just in time; Jake said he had to do CPR for over 15 minutes before I came too. They called an ambulance and took me the hospital but I was released right away; Charlie said I had fallen in, not wanting to have me put on suicide watch. He figured that would make it so much worse. Charlie was so irate after the whole ordeal, not at me but at you. He swore if he ever saw you again he would kill you for me trying to kill myself. He didn't know what you had done to me before you left but was not going to let you mess me up again.
"After that incident I decided that I needed to live for Charlie but I think he saw through my act. I was the perfect daughter; I came home from school, cooked supper, did my homework and then went to bed. After I would fall asleep I kept having nightmares and Charlie had to wake me up many times from me screaming so loud but he never knew what I was dreaming about. I never told him it was you leaving me time and time again yet now I always fell in the creek but you wouldn't save me. I felt like I was drowning everyday of those two months but knew I had to stay alive for Charlie. My heart was gone, just a gaping hole in it's' place that would tear open at the very mention of anything related to you. So that is what he was thinking about when he thought about the creek."
We sat in silence the rest of the day and when we headed back to his house, Edward quietly swung me on my back and set me down quickly when we got back to the house. He barely touched me the rest of the night and said that he was going to sleep downstairs that night. My heart began to break again and I could feel the hole threatening to tear but I convinced myself that he just needed time.
Edward POV
It was glorious to have Bella with me at home, I loved that she was going to be around all the time although I wished that Charlie would at least talk to her. I know she is happy to be here but I also know she misses him. I tried to keep her mind off things by taking her to the meadow and knew that I had to ask her about the creek thing or I would go insane from the thought of it. I was hoping it wasn't about what I thought it was but I didn't know and it was driving me crazy. After Bella had some supper, I threw her on my back and ran to the meadow. We lay in the setting sun for a while, letting Bella drink in my skin. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and decided to ask her.
""Bella, something in Charlie's thoughts has been bothering me. I don't want to spoil the mood but I really need to ask you something." I could tell right away Bella knew what he I was asking and that she didn't want to tell me. I just hoped that she hadn't done anything stupid because of me leaving. "What did you hear? What was Charlie thinking about?" she asked me. I could read all over her face that she knew and I dazzled her into telling me. It might have been the fairest way but I don't think Bella would have told me otherwise.
As she started her story I felt my breath stick in my throat with what she was telling me. I knew that I had left her broken but I hadn't known it was this bad. I listened very carefully and tried not to react but as the story went on I could tell my worst fear was going to be confirmed, Bella had tried to kill herself. How she had hoped I would come back and refused to go to Florida, I didn't know how much more of this I could take and it was just the beginning. When she said she had a hole in her chest I couldn't help but tense at the words. I knew deep down that she didn't mean it in reality but it was still a terrible thought. She reassured me it was a figurative hole and then continued on with her story. She had made it all the way to my home and up to my room; I tightened my arms around her when she talked of her struggle of going into my room. I knew that if she had ever left me I would not be strong enough to go even a block within her house. My Bella had made it to my room and I tried to give her my strength to finish the story.
I could feel her pain and even more when she talked about lying on my floor crying. I can't believe that I left her in that state and I would hate myself for it until the end of time. What I did was inexcusable and here was my baby still wanting to be with me after all I put her through, I really wasn't worth it. And then she muttered the very words I had never wanted her to hear, that it would have been better to kill her than leave her. I growled not at her but at myself and my stupid decisions and couldn't even move with the amount of anguish and guilt coursing through my veins. Bella kissed me but I knew I didn't deserve it so I didn't let it wash away any of the guilt.
She continued on with her story, bringing her to the bank of the creek, and then her jumping in. My head was swimming, wondering why Alice had never seen this. Bella's decision might have been too quick for her to see but I still wondered if she did see it and just never told me, I would defiantly have to find out. Bella told of how she didn't even have anything to bring her back to the surface; that nothing in her life mattered more than me leaving. I couldn't believe I almost was the cause of my beautiful angel leaving this world and knew in my heart that I didn't deserve Bella at all, not now or before. She finished her story telling that that little Indian boy saved her life, giving her CPR. I thought of his lips touching hers and that pulled me from depression to anger. No one but I should be kissing those lips but I immediately remembered what I had put her through and realized even I shouldn't be kissing her lips. She finished her story and I could see she was worried because I had not said anything at all. As hard as I tried I couldn't reassure her it would be ok now because how did I deserve to be with her now that I knew I had almost been the reason she was dead?
I picked her up and took her back to the house, leaving her to sleep her first night in our new bed alone. I couldn't even be around her or touch her at the thought of what I did to her. I could see the panic rising in her eyes and realized I had to sort this out before I hurt her again. After hearing her fall asleep, I walked out of the house not knowing what I was going to do but knowing that I had to find redemption for the pain I put my angel through before I could be in her life.
