Learning To Live With A Broken Heart

(Chapter Seven: The Christmas Wish)

The doctor checked her and decided she wasn't dilating fast enough.

"Olivia, I would like to go ahead and break your water. It will only take a second and it wont hurt. But it will speed up the labor a bit. I want to get this baby out as quickly and safely as we can. I really think this is our best bet."

"It wont hurt the baby?"

"Not at all. This will actually just move things along a little faster. But if you would like an epidural, now is the time we need to do that. Once I break your water, things should progress rather quickly and it will be too late."

"Yes, go ahead and do the epidural. Then break the water, I guess. I just want the baby to be okay."

"I am going to do everything that I can. But you have been here in labor for four and a half hours now and you are only dilated to about a five. We need this to move a long a little faster. I am hoping that by breaking your water we can skip the Pitocin to induce."

Twenty minutes later Olivia was given the epidural and her water was broken. Elliot sat with her holding her hand as her contractions grew harder and closer together. Two hours after her water was broke Olivia began to push. And at four thirty seven in the morning the baby was finally born.

Olivia fell back against the bed as Elliot kissed her forehead. They listened as the baby cried and the doctor cut the cord. A nurse wrapped the infant in a blanket and took it from the room.

"Is the baby alright?" Olivia asked the doctor nervously.

"Seems fine. They are gonna go weigh it and get the stats, but it appears to be a healthy baby."

"That's good," she said softly with tears in her eyes. "I just thought because they rushed it out of the room…"

"That is procedure. When a mother gives the baby up, they take it right after delivery."

"Oh," she exhaled softly as she laid back in the bed.

"You did great, Olivia. We'll need to take you and get you cleaned up." The woman looked at Elliot. "If you would like to go get a cup of coffee or something, we'll have her settled into her room in about twenty minutes."

"Thanks." He turned to Olivia. "You did so good," he said brushing her hair back from her eyes. "I will be back in a little while." Elliot kissed her forehead and headed down the hall.

Fourteen hours later Olivia opened her eyes in a dark hospital room. It was early evening now, Christmas Eve and she had slept almost the entire day. She raised up in her hospital bed a little to see a small fiber optic Christmas tree twinkling on the window seal across the room. She laughed a little. Elliot Stabler never would take no for an answer.

Olivia stretched and looked around the room. In the hallway she could hear Elliot talking on his cell phone to someone. She lowered her bedrail and turned placing her feet onto the cold tile of the floor. She stood only for a moment as her weak knees trembled under the weight of her body. She reached for her bag and pulled out her robe slipping into it.

Once more she stood to her feet as she looked at the IV taped to her hand. Olivia unplugged the pole from the wall and wheeled it beside her. She was going stir-crazy and she needed to get out of this room. Sitting here she was left alone in her sadness to think all of the thoughts she didn't want running through her mind.

She opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Elliot must have gone out for coffee or something because he was no longer standing by the door. Her eyes scanned the area, but she saw no one. She took a deep breath and walked slowly down the hallway. She was a little sore, but actually felt pretty well considering she had given birth just hours earlier.

It wasn't long before Olivia found herself standing in front of the nursery window. 'What harm could it do?' She thought to herself. This was Manhattan and there were probably at least six other babies born today. She wouldn't be able to tell them apart. Besides she didn't even know the sex of her child. And it wasn't like it was going to hurt anything if she did see the baby.

But as she stood there staring through the glass there was only one infant in the room. A little girl. So small and helpless. She had dark hair and dark eyes and as she stared back up at Olivia, she knew. This was her daughter. Olivia took a deep breath as she felt the warmth of her tears pouring down her face.

She raised her hand and placed it against the glass as she cried. She just stood there, in the middle of the hallway in a hospital gown and a bathrobe and cried.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" A woman asked from behind the counter across the room.

"Is this the only baby?" Olivia asked trying to hid the fact that she had just been crying.

"There are six more."

"Where are they?"

"We try to let them stay in the rooms with the mothers as much as we can," the nurse answered.

"What about her?" Olivia asked staring into the woman's eyes.

"She is waiting for social services. She'll stay in the nursery tonight. They are coming to pick her up in the morning, Ms. Benson."

Olivia blinked her brown eyes at the woman then looked back at the baby. She had been caught and this woman knew exactly who she was.

"You should be in bed."

"So, she has to spend the night in there? All alone?"

"It is procedure. I will be right here. She'll be fine, I assure you. We get a couple of these adoption cases a month. If she cries I will be right there to comfort her. I'll give her a bottle and rock her, she is going to be just fine. I promise."

Olivia stared at the tiny baby in the big empty room. "No one should have to be alone on Christmas," she said softly. She turned to look back at the woman. "Could I…I mean….what if I kept her with me. Just for tonight. Then she wouldn't have to be alone."

"Ma'am, that is against hospital policy. I am not supposed to….." the woman studied the worried look on Olivia's face and saw the tears building in her eyes again. "I will tell you what. I am taking her for a bath, in about half an hour. If my boss finds out I let you run around this hospital like that they will have my job for sure. Maybe I could bring her by your room for a little while after I give her a bath. It is Christmas Eve after all and like you said, no one should have to be alone on Christmas. But it this gets out I am in deep trouble. And you better get back into bed."

"Thank you," Olivia said as a soft smile spread across her face. "I wont say anything, I promise."

She walked back to her room and settled in her bed. Elliot returned a few minutes later and didn't even realize she had been gone. She sat with him and ate part of a sandwich he had brought her from a sub place down the street and they talked as they watched the flickering lights of the Christmas tree.

A little while later they heard a knock on the door. A nurse opened the door and pushed in the a little bed with the baby inside.

"Umm, there must be a mistake," Elliot protested as she picked up the baby to hand her to Olivia.

"It's okay, Elliot. It is just for a few minutes."

The nurse handed Olivia a little bottle of formula and tucked the blanket under the infant.

"If you need anything just push the call button, I am right down the hall. I will give you half an hour, then I will have to take her back to the nursery."

"Thank you," Olivia said with a smile.

She leaned forward and laid the baby girl down in against her knees as she inspected her. She counted all of her tiny fingers and toes are brushed her fingers through her dark hair. The little girl stirred a little and grunted as she looked up at Olivia.

"Isn't she perfect?" Olivia asked Elliot.

"She's beautiful. Liv, honey what are you doing?"

"She shouldn't have to spend Christmas alone, Elliot. No one should. You said that yourself. She was the only baby in that nursery. I couldn't let them leave her there, all alone."

"Olivia, I'm not sure this is such a good idea. Tomorrow morning that woman is coming here and she is going to take this baby to her new family."

"I know that. But tonight, I'm all she has."

"I'm just worried you will get attached and…"

"Elliot, it is going to hurt either way. At least now I know what she looks like. How she smells." She began to cry again. "I know how it feels to hold her in my arms. At least I will know."

"Yeah," he said softly as he sat on the bed beside her and kissed the top of her head.

The baby stirred a little and began to cry. Olivia wrapped her tight in her little blanket and held her where she could see the Christmas tree sparkling across the room. She fed the baby the bottle and moments later the little girl was sleeping in her mother's arms.

Elliot watched Olivia as she stared down at the infant sleeping in her arms.

"It's Christmas Eve. The snow if falling outside. And everything seems so peaceful and perfect right here. Did you make a Christmas wish?" He whispered softly.

"I only have one wish. I wish that is could somehow be easier to give her up."

"I can't help you with that one."

"Do you want to hold her?" Olivia asked softly.

Elliot raised his arms and took the baby from her arms.

"She is so small. She doesn't feel like she weighs anything at all. The paper on her little bed says six pounds two ounces. She is a healthy baby. She's perfect, Olivia. And tomorrow morning, she will make someone's Christmas wish come true."

Olivia laid back in her bed as Elliot walked the baby across the room to the Christmas tree. He stared out the window into the falling snow and secretly made his own Christmas wish.

He handed the baby back to Olivia and sat in the chair beside the bed. Olivia cradled the little girl against her collarbone and kissed the top of her head as the nurse returned to take her back to the nursery.

"Thank you so much," Olivia said trying not to cry as she handed the baby over.

"The social services lady is supposed to be here around ten to pick her up. I am on until noon. If you want, I could bring her back and let you feed her in the morning before they take her."

"That would be nice," Olivia said with a smile. "Thank you."

Elliot held her hand as she sank back into the bed and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning the same nurse brought the baby into the room around eight thirty and handed Olivia a bottle. Olivia held the baby like a pro as she fed her the bottle. Elliot watched as she spoke softly to the little girl in her arms.

She took a deep breath and he could tell she was holding back tears. She held the baby in her arms and just stared into her little brown eyes, trying to think of some explanation to give her daughter.

Just then the door flew open and the social worker entered the room. In her hand she held a baby carrier and the look on her face made it clear that she was not at all pleased that Olivia had gone against their agreement and held the baby.

"Ms. Benson, I am here to pick up that child, The child who was supposed to be in the nursery down the hall until I arrived for her. You were not supposed to have any contact with the child at all!"

"Relax lady, she just held the baby. It isn't like she broke her or anything," Elliot snapped back in Olivia's defense.

"Put the baby in the carrier," the woman said looking at and other social worker who was with her.

The second woman approached Olivia. She looked down at the sleeping baby and began to say her good bye. But the woman pulled the little girl from her arms waking the baby and making her cry.

Instantly Olivia began to cry as well. She was holding strong until the baby had started to cry after being ripped from her arms. Now she was about to break down.

"El…" she pleaded softly reaching for the now screaming infant.

The woman turned and fastened the baby into the carrier and turned to leave with her.

"Wait," Elliot said. And the woman stopped to look back at him. He turned to look at Olivia who was still crying.

"Liv? Do you want her?"

Olivia looked up at him. "Elliot, I can't…"

"You can. If you want her just tell me now. And I will do everything I can to help you. You won't be doing this alone. You have all of us for support and I promise you that baby will never do without. But if you let her go, she is gone for good. And we will never get her back. Just say the word."

Olivia stared into Elliot's eyes as he began to tear up as well.

"Liv?"

"She has already filled out the paperwork. There is a couple coming to my office this afternoon to pick up their child. I need you to sign this form and then this will all be over."

She stepped forward with the paper and a pen.

"Elliot, please!" Olivia pleaded with him. "I changed my mind. I want to keep my baby!"

"She isn't signing anything lady!" He snapped as she approached them.

"That is fine. We'll take the child, per our agreement. I will see you in court to sign the rest of the paperwork."

The woman grabbed the baby carrier that hale Olivia's screaming daughter and turned to walk away with it.

"Over my dead body, lady!" Elliot grabbed a hold of the handle of the carrier and placed his other hand under it to try and steady it. "You are not taking this baby anywhere. She is staying right here where she belongs, with her mother. And if you don't let go, so help me God I will break your arm!"

"Detective Stabler," the woman said defensively as she glared at Elliot, "Am I to understand that you want a part in this lawsuit?"

"Lady, we'll see you in court!"

Offended the woman released the carrier as Elliot turned and sat it on the bed at Olivia's feet. He picked up the stack or forms Olivia had already signed and ripped them in half, throwing them at the woman.

"Now get the Hell out!"

The woman knelt to the floor and frantically gathered her papers then both women backed out of the room. Elliot returned his attention to the frightened infant crying in the carrier. He unbuckled her and raised her against his chest.

"There," he said softly in a soothing voice. "It's alright now angel," he said as she clamed her cries and stared at him. "Uncle El is never going to let to let anyone hurt you. It's okay now, pretty girl. Here's your mommy."

Olivia smiled through tears as he handed her daughter back to her. The baby was quiet now and just looked up at her. "Mommy is so sorry sweetheart," Olivia whispered as she kissed her daughter's forehead.

They sat quietly for a moment as Olivia stared down at the baby in her arms.

"How in the world am I going to do this, Elliot? I don't know the first thing about babies," she whispered.

"You'll learn. Just the way every new parent does."

"I don't even have a crib."

"I'll get you one."

"My apartment is not big enough."

"Liv, you have Trevor's place. The apartment and enough money to take care of the both of you, it is going to be alright."

"You think I should go stay there?"

"The apartment is bigger. It is in a better neighborhood. Not that your neighborhood is bad, but his is amazing. You are five blocks from work. And I like that there is a doorman twenty four hours a day. The security is better. Maybe you should at least try it out."

"What do I do with my place?"

"Keep it. Or rent it out. I'll rent it from you."

"You want my apartment?"

"It is a lot better than the dump I am in now. I can help you get settled into Trevor's place. Then I could move into yours. You still have a key. I'll set up the spare bedroom and you and little…." Elliot stared down at the baby with no name. "You and her, you can come and stay anytime you want. This way we don't have to give up the rooftop."

She smiled again. "I have a daughter."

"You have a beautiful daughter."

Elliot kissed her forehead again.

"I will leave you two to get acquainted. I just got a text from Casey that says you have visitors. I think I'll ask everyone to give you two a little time and come back later. If you want I can take the keys to Trevor's apartment and get a crib set up. They will probably release you both this evening."

"Yeah. They are in my purse." Olivia dug through her purse and tossed him the keys.

"I'll be back in a few hours. You guys need anything?"

"I think we're good."

"I'm gonna tell the lady at the desk upfront to call security if that worker comes back around."

"Thank you, Elliot." Olivia smiled up at him.

"You are very welcome. Congratulations," he said kissing her forehead.

"I have my phone if you need me."

Elliot opened stepped out into the hall to find Casey wondering around in search of Olivia's room.

"Case," Elliot called to her.

"How's she doing?"

"Good. Listen I need your help. But I want to kind of keep it just between us right now."

"Sure. What's going on?"

"She's keeping the baby."

"She changed her mind?"

"Yeah. I'll need to talk to you about that a little later, too. I expect to me caught in the middle of a lawsuit. I pissed off that social worker. I kept her from taking the baby and ran her out of the room."

"Nice."

"But right now. I need a crib."

"A crib?"

"Actually, I can take care of the furniture. I need you to help me with the other stuff. Clothes, diapers, blankets, bedding."

"Okay."

"I want to surprise her. She is a little freaked out because she has nothing. And is not prepared. She just needs to know we all support her in this." Elliot handed Casey one of his credit cards. Can you get the stuff and get everyone together? Meet me back at Trevor's place in a couple of hours?"

"Yeah."

"Casey?"

"Yes."

"Get some nice bedding stuff for her room, too. I want this place to feel less like Trevor's and more like hers. I don't want to move anything around, we'll just fix up the bed. And make the office into a nursery for the baby."

"Sounds good, she's gonna love it." Casey turned to walk toward the elevators. "Hey Elliot?"

"Yes," Elliot said turning to look at her.

Casey laughed. "Boy or girl?"

"A beautiful little girl. She looks just like Olivia."

"How big?"

"About six pounds. You're gonna love her, Casey. She's a little doll. You can't help but fall in love with her the first moment you see her."

"Does she have a name?"

"We're working on that."

Casey laughed and stepped into the elevator. "I'll see you in two hours."

Elliot went down stairs to find Fin in the lobby.

"I was just on my way up."

"Change of plans. Listen I need you to help me set up a nursery."

"A nursery?"

"Liv is keeping the baby."

"Good for her. Sure think, pal. Where is the furniture?"

"I haven't bought it yet."

"How long you got to get all this stuff?"

"Two hours."

"I hope you know what you're doing."

"Fin, I got five kids. I could put a crib together with my eyes closed."

Fin laughed as he and Elliot climbed into Olivia's SUV and headed for the nearest baby store. Elliot walked around for a few moments and picked out an entire nursery furniture set, by looking at the display. While they were there they also picked out a few extra things like the bedding, a bassinette and frilly little dress for Olivia to bring her daughter home in. Elliot also bought a rocking chair, a new stroller and car seat, since he had pretty much thrown the other one at the woman as he suggested she leave the room. They paid for their purchases, then loaded them up and headed to Trevor's apartment to set things up.

They had just finished getting the furniture set up when Casey, Alex, Cragen and Munch arrived with the clothing and diapers and tons of other things. Another hours work and everything looked perfect for baby girl Benson to come home form the hospital with her mommy.

"You guys are awesome," Elliot said as he looked at his watch. "Now, Liv gets discharged in an hour. Can you guys light a few candles and someone work on dinner. I'll send you a text Casey to let you know when we are in the parking lot. She doesn't know you guys are here. It is going to be a wonderful surprise for her to see how much her friends love and support her in this."

"Elliot, if you don't go you will be late picking her up and she will know something is going on," Alex replied practically shoving him out the door.

Elliot picked Olivia up from the hospital and brought her home to an apartment full of friends. She was so happy she cried when she saw what they and done with the nursery and was excited to introduce them all to her little girl. She still didn't have a name for the baby, but she was healthy and they were together and that was all that mattered.