Rowan's dreams were now even more confusing than ever. Many times he would relive past perils, but always strong John was there. Sometimes John would save him, other times the danger would catch the older man unawares.
One night they were walking together along dry desert plains. Strong John's muscled arm darted out and caught the younger man, pulling him flush against his broad chest. Their faces were so close Rowan could taste John's breath. The young boy's face turned red and he bit his lip in anticipation.
John laughed at the shyness of the boy in his arms, causing Rowan to giggle and bury his head against the older man's chest. A strong hand cupped his cheek and lifted the boy's face up so that John could bend down until they were almost touching.
And then the older man pulled back and stepped away, releasing his companion from his arms.
John grinned at the look of disappointment on the younger man's face as he stepped away.
"Tease," Rowan accused in annoyance and amusement.
"If you want me, come and get me." Strong John invited before turning and playfully increasing the distance between them.
With a laugh Rowan ran after him eagerly, looking forward to what would happen when he finally caught the older man. Rowan had nearly caught up with him when suddenly strong John disappeared.
The young boy froze in shock, attempting to make sense of what had just happened. John had just disappeared through the solid rock beneath him. And that was when Rowan realised there was no solid rock at all, they were on the wastelands on the coast of the Zebak territory, and the solid rock was hollow clay.
"JOHN!" Rowan cried out in terror and ran to the hole through which his lover had fallen. "JOHN!" Rowan cried again but he knew it was to late, the ishkin was no doubt feasting on the large man at that very moment.
Another time the two were swimming, the waters were not cold and dark but warmed by the light of the sun. He and John were at the beach near the Marris lands, the same one where all children of Rin had learnt to swim, but they were alone.
They swam and played without a care in the world, chasing one another gleefully. As Rowan swam away, giggling happily, John pistoned himself through the water, catching the younger boy and tackling him under the surface.
Rowan turned and smiled at the handsome man, his chest bare, in the glistening silver light. John smiled back and leaned in to kiss the boy before him. Right before their lips met though John let out a watery scream.
Bubbles escaped his mouth as the liquid surrounding him diluted the sound. Rowan watched in horror as the millions of tiny fish devoured the large man. The water turned red with blood, obscuring Rowan's view of John's death.
Rowan slept even worse these days, his nightmares even more terrifying than before. But one thing was always the same, John. It was the thought of losing him that tortured Rowan so.
He and John were surrounded by enormous spiders, held at bay only by the light from the torches they each wielded. Back to back they faced the crawling creatures who seemed slowly to be overcoming their fear of light.
Suddenly one of the spiders dropped from the trees above and landed on the boy's shoulder.
"Rowan!" John called and he opened his eyes to find strong John leaning over him worriedly.
They were in the bukshah fields and the beasts all lay sleeping in the moonlight. Star, still partially awake leaned her head forward to lick Rowan's hand in comfort.
"You did not come home," strong John explained. "You mother sent me to look for you as she did not wish to leave Annad."
"I..." Rowan began but realised he had nothing to say.
"You were having a nightmare," John finished for him. A strong calloused hand caressed the boy's cheek. "You have been having many of those, haven't you?" The older man asked in concern.
Rowan just nodded, he could not speak as his mouth had gone dry. He sat in the grass, the object of his desire just inches away, fighting the urge to close his eyes and lean into the hand upon his cheek.
"Would you like to tell me what bothers you Rowan?" John asked, clearly worried for him. "You know I would never judge you for being afraid skinny rabbit," John assured him, referring to what he had said to strong John when the older man had informed him of his taboo desires.
Mustering all the courage Rowan had within him he admitted his fears. "I dream of you John," he bravely told the man before him. "I am scared to go to sleep because whenever I do I watch you die. I... I do not want to lose you." Rowan closed his eyes in shame as a single tear escaped.
True to his word strong John did not judge the boy, instead he merely wiped away his tear and pulled him close. Rowan's heart skipped a beat as the big man held him. "You shall not lose me skinny rabbit," he assured the younger man. "I intend to be around for many more years to come."
Rowan was not sure if he should laugh or cry, so he did both.
"I do not wish to ever lose you John," he admitted clutching the big man. Swallowing the lump in his throat he continued. "For to be right here in your arms is all that I desire."
He felt strong John stiffen in response and he sighed internally, of course it would be too good to be true for the big man to love him back.
"Rowan?" John asked, leaning back. "Rowan look at me." He instructed and shyly the small boy looked up to meet those big green eyes. "What do you mean by that?" Strong John asked once Rowan was looking at him.
Rowan took a deep breath before continuing. "I have fallen in love with you John," he finally admitted what he had realised over the last weeks strong John had haunted his dreams. "Ever since we climbed the mountain together you have been someone important to me but over the years my feelings for you have grown. I once told you I was unsure of my desires, well I am not anymore, I desire you." Rowan looked away from the shocked expression on strong John's face.
"Rowan," the big man began unsure. "Are you certain of your feelings?" John finally asked and Rowan nodded. The older man sighed. "Dear boy, I am old enough to be your father." He pointed out.
"You once told me you had already given up hope of finding a man your age," Rowan reminded him.
John sighed again before standing up and walking a few steps. The absence of his touch stung.
After a few moment strong John finally spoke. "Rowan you do not want someone to be with you for no reason other than that you are the closest thing to what they want." John said, not sure how to make the younger man understand his point of view.
Rowan stood angrily and faced the large man, not sure where his sudden rage had come from. "You are the one my heart desires John!" He said again, his voice loud in the emptiness of the night and a few of the bukshah stirred but did not wake. "If you do not desire me back then just say so, but if you are so sure you will spend your life alone because no one fits your standards, then perhaps your standards are too high!" Crying once again Rowan stormed home and left the man he had fallen for standing alone.
Rowan did not dream of strong John that night, instead he dreamt of a vast emptiness that night Rowan dreamt of being alone and when he finally woke, he cried.
~SophieAngel69
