Author's Note- This chapter was hard to make interesting and I'm sorry if you disagree with some of the things I've said in the chapter about suicide, I've never experienced a friend committing it, so I don't know what it would be like, but this is my guess.

Disclaimer- Obviously I'm not Veronica Roth so I don't own the Divergent trilogy

"Shhhhhhhh," I hear the calming whisper almost resembling an ocean wave as I sob uncontrollably on the cafeteria balcony with my arms around my knees and my head on top of them, rocking back and forth. My chest is beginning to burn and I feel somebody envelope me in a warm hug. My eyes are swollen shut but for some reason I know who it is anyways, but even that doesn't cheer me up. I can't even describe how I feel, my poor selfish, fear based choices have resulted in my peer and fellow initiate's choice of suicide just because I said no, what a terrible, terrible word no is, words do kill, they tear people to shreds from the inside out, the people using them and the people that they are said to. I sob some more but they come out raspy like short, strained gasps, I feel Tobias rest his lips on the top of my head and hear the rest of the gang sprint in, why does news have to travel so fast in dauntless, I assume there is a crowd at the door as well and I feel like a circus clown on display for the world, but it's wrong, I shouldn't be the clown, I should be the acrobat on the ground below that didn't quite jump far enough. I hear somebody gasp, presumably Christina as she leans over the railing to take a glimpse of the most frightening sight of my life.

"Oh my gosh Tris, I am so sorry!" I hear Christina whisper, flabbergasted, I immediately zone everybody out, they don't get it, they think I miss him or that I am shocked or horrified but they're wrong, my reasons are different, and selfish, I feel, no, I know that it's my fault and I'm angry that I didn't get the chance to tell him that I forgive him. After what feels like hours I know that they've finally left and Tobias slips his arms behind my back and under my knees and lifts me, carrying me to who cares where as long as it's not that hell of a room. I bury my face in his shoulder; I don't want him to see me like this. I try to clear my mind and convince myself that I don't deserve this kind of guilt and pain but I can't because I know I'm wrong. Why is life so hard? Tobias stops walking and I hear the beep of a door accepting a key card, only then do I allow myself to look up. This isn't my room but Tobias's, it's far bigger than mine, I think it's a suite and it's fully furnished.

"I… I can walk." I manage to rasp with the little voice I have left. He looks down at me and shakes his head, placing me gracefully on a dark leather couch. He sits beside me and we don't speak for the longest time and I take the moment to check out his house. Everything around me screams Tobias, from the black, chalkboard like walls to the red mini fridge and the large window that almost covers an entire wall, I attempt a smile but it hurts, almost cracking my face after my meltdown in the cafeteria.

"What was that about Tris?" He asks in a kind tone, breaking the silence. It's a harsh question but I don't think he means it that way, I don't know how to answer it. He won't get it, I am Divergent and it seems to be an unfortunate part of my personality that I feel the need to belong everywhere, we could be so much stronger as a city if there were no factions or factionless, if everybody helped everybody and we all strived to be just the best person that we could possibly be. "Tris, I'm serious, I mean everything, the conversation in the truck and Al, I thought you hated him after what he did to you." I decide to just try to get him to understand, to start the revolution that will probably never work out by telling the truth.

"I don't belong anywhere yet I belong everywhere at the exact same time," I start, he doesn't seem too confused so I continue. "I want to be everything brave, selfless, intelligent, honest and kind but all I am is ruthless… and selfish, I'm a monster and there's a never ending war inside my head between right and wrong and I either don't know which ones which or I end up messing it up. It's my fault that Al killed himself, because I couldn't forgive him and when I finally did, it was too late. Does that even make sense?" Tobias studies my face very seriously and stands up, pulling of his shirt and I see a beautiful blue tattoo, like blue flames spiralling up his back surrounding all five faction symbols, I can't contain myself, I gasp and stand too.

"I get it." He states and I almost start to cry, he gets it, for the first time, it's not me versus the world anymore, it's us. I run my hand down his back and realize that it's not smooth; he has pink scars like stripes running all the way down it as well.

"Tobias, who… who did that to you? I ask, afraid of the answer and he sits back down.

"My father, Marcus Eaton, taught me to be ruthless, he flared it, every single day after he would come home from work, he showed me the perfect example of ruthlessness sparked from frustration and pain, that was the only example I had as a child and so I copied it and the war began, I transferred to dauntless for two reasons, to get away from him and to feel strong, I never lost a fight in initiation and that just encouraged my monster more, that is until April fourth last year, hence my nickname, on that day, I decided to stop, I loved to beat people down, imagining that Marcus and I had switched places for once, I loved that feeling, but I hated how I felt afterwards and so I just stopped, it is still a battle, every single day Tris, the war never goes away but you need to decide how you're going to fight." I don't know how to respond, that is a lot to take in, but I guess he doesn't expect me to, because he kisses me, long and passionately and I let him, because I love him, I know that now, I don't pity him, and I never will, I look up to him because of what he suffered and how he decides to fight. He has given me hope, I'm right, I don't have to be just brave, I can be everything, I am everything. I just need to figure out how to show it in my battles. Tobias pulls away and I grin, I will not be attending Al's funeral and I will enter the cafeteria again, I made a poor choice but in the end of it all, I forgave him and it was his choice not mine, I will make a different choice in the matter next time but for this time I will learn from my mistake and move on.

"Did you want to stay here?" He asks me softly and I nod slowly. He points to his bed and I follow him and we lay side by side, all night long, holding hands.

Do you guys like it? I think I'm going to do visiting day in the next chapter and then I have some very interesting things planned that might make you a little bit mad or sad, also known as cliff hangers and drama. By the way, I don't know if any of you noticed but I changed the name, it's more dramatic and it suits the book better, don't you think? Thanks for reading! Please follow and review, I really need constructive criticism!