The Private Diary of Harry Potter
Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.
Chapter 7:
December 13
Once again classes and Quidditch practice got in the way of Draco and I spending time together and it has been a week since we ventured to the tavern room. But diary it was a wonderful week anyway. What made it nice was that we found time for one another everyday here at Hogwarts. We met in the forest near the lake, usually only for an hour or so, and we sat and talked about all kinds of things. We didn't speak specifically about our feelings but I knew by week's end that he does have feelings for me. Maybe he is not as captivated with me as I am with him, but he does see me as more than a casual sex partner.
We both kept touching each other throughout the conversations, not sexually so much, but more just like we kept making constant contact. We kissed when we met and when we parted and sometimes in the middle of our conversations, but except a couple of days ago when we got a bit carried away, it was completely mellow. Of course I would frequently steal any available chance at playing with his lips either with my fingers or my mouth. His mouth is going to be the death of me I am certain.
However, what I like mostly diary is that we talked. We talked about our lives, about school, about Quidditch and other insignificant things. All the while I got to know Draco much better and I really like his personality. There are so many sides to him I had never known existed. He is funny, introspective, perceptive (which I knew) and very intelligent; he is a thinker. We are really a lot alike, I think that may have been a part of my attraction for him and perhaps the reason we got on so badly when we were young. We used to see things from distinct perspectives, but we likely recognized that there were many similarities between us otherwise. But now we even have a similar point of view about many things.
There were three significant conversations I am really glad we had. We had one in which we decided to try and stop the warring between our camps. Primarily because it is childish but also because one day I want to tell Hermione and Ron about my bisexuality and that would entail telling them how I know – telling them about Draco and I. I think it will be much easier to do if we are all acting a little more civil toward one another. Draco didn't think that his friends, Marcus and Blaise, would have any problem accepting our relationship.
In another conversation Draco talked about how he came to the realization he was bisexual about a year ago and he said that since then his encounters have been with both sexes. He didn't talk about the encounters directly or mention any names, but it was interesting how common his experience sounded to my own. I was very curious about the individual he referred to as 'the man who he had an initial attraction for.' However, he didn't give any details and I didn't ask. I figured if he wanted to tell me he would have and in any case, just hearing that much left me feeling a little jealous. That conversation got me wondering how many times Draco had 'gone all the way' and more specifically, the role he had played during those encounters, giver or receiver. I was sure he had been the giver; he just seems to be a natural born explorer. And yet, so am I and Draco knows that.
The closeness Draco and I attained this week has increased my desire to pursue further sexual exploration with him. I really want to make that connection between us now, but I am still wary about the role I think I would have to play. Yesterday, during a pretty intimate moment, he repeated that 'there was so much he wanted to show me', and even now I can't believe I got up the nerve to ask if he was referring to 'going all the way', but I did. He laughed when I asked but then he just said 'yeah, among other things.'
Well I don't know what the other things are, but I then asked him if he had 'gone all the way' before. I knew the answer, but I was actually headed toward the explorer/exploree issue. However when I asked him that, I think he thought I was asking out of jealousy because he got serious all of the sudden and said, 'I have Harry, but with you it would be distinct, a very special and beautiful thing just between us.' Then he began kissing me and contact with the mouth I had been half fantasizing about during the whole conversation, knocked the issue and all other thoughts from my mind. I didn't bring the issue up again after that; I think it was not very urgent to me because I figured it would be a while before we would actually have to deal with it. So much for figuring.
I didn't have the desire to write every night because it was as if nothing very significant to remember ever occurred. Earlier tonight that changed. But apart from what occurred earlier, when I think about it now, this week was perhaps the most significant period of our relationship to date. I feel closer to Draco than ever before and I think he feels the same way about me.
Yesterday after Draco and I parted, I realized that we had not made arrangements to meet. We have finished another round of NEWT practicals and I knew we would both be free to spend an evening together. Today I walked into defense with a note in hand. Remembering our talk, I sat in the desk next to Draco and waited until Hermione and Ron were seated next to me and then said, 'hey Malfoy' and he responded 'Potter' in a matter of fact tone.
Both Ron and Hermione looked at me like I was nuts, so I whispered to them, 'we are twenty years old now, I think it is time we start acting like it. I made peace with Malfoy and he's willing to try if we are.' Neither of them said a word, they just continued to stare at me in stunned silence. We haven't discussed it as I only saw Ron briefly after that and I didn't see Hermione the rest of the day. However, I am hoping they will decide to follow my example. After whispering to them I turned and listened to Snape who had begun class and slung a note into Draco's lap asking him to meet me at the tavern at 5. Draco read it and looked up and when I looked at him he gave me a rapid grin and a wink and I blew up with happiness. I didn't hear another word Snape said throughout the entire class.
Draco was late; he sent his patronus to advise me however, so I sat in the tavern drinking Butterbeers until he arrived. He didn't arrive until six but I was so happy to see him I didn't even ask what had held him up. We moved quickly to the rear of the tavern and apparated into the room he had procured for us. Draco and I fell into one another's embrace almost immediately upon arriving in the room. It had been so long since we had been together we were a bit frantic for intimacy. I was already terribly excited, but mostly from his nearness. He began running kisses about my cheeks and neck and at the same time unbuttoning my coat. He pulled it off of me and then began pealing my clothes away, piece by piece. I stood staring at his mouth and becoming very excited as he stripped me and I nearly groaned aloud when he unconsciously moved his tongue over his bottom lip while looking at my naked body.
I reached out and began running two fingers along his lips while my other hand began undoing his coat. I had to let go his mouth to completely strip him, but my eyes never left his moist red lips. He abruptly grabbed me when we stood completely disrobed and hugged me to his body.
He ran his hands long my back and rubbed his cheek against mine. 'Do you know how much I missed this,' he said; his voice low and husky.
I moved my mouth against his ear and whispered, 'god Draco, me too.'
Draco pulled back a little and looked into my eyes, 'I am really going to miss this during the Christmas holidays.' His tone was a little remorseful.
I would be going to the Burrows with Ron but I didn't know what his plans were. 'Are you going home?' I asked. I realized the moment after I said it that his parents were both in Azkaban prison. 'I mean, where will you go?' I said quickly.
'I am staying here for Christmas this year. There is no one at my house.' His tone had saddened a bit more and I felt something inside of me sadden as well.
I pushed my arms up and grabbed his cheeks between my hands and began kissing him softly, perhaps trying to kiss the pain away.
Draco's throat was gurgling with mirth when we finally broke the kiss, 'you don't have to feel sorry for me Harry; I won't be here alone. Marcus is staying to work with Firenze during the break and although he will be busy all day, we will hang out in the late evenings.'
I felt a little better about the situation seeing as one of his two best friends would be about, at least in the "late evenings", but I still felt a little saddened because he would likely miss his family and he would be alone during the break, every day during the daylight hours to think about it.
Our lovemaking started out terribly frenzied. Draco seemed to be in a kind of odd mood; he seemed to relish every stroke he made along my body and when I touched him he reacted somewhat fiercely. I didn't know at the time what was causing his heightened ardency, but after a short while he appeared to be completely consumed by passion. He was moving his hands and mouth all over my body, barely allowing me to return his kisses and caresses. His hands had never moved with so much fervor and his lips – of which I took special note – were leaving my body wet and hot as he moved over me.
He suddenly surged upward and began kissing me, somewhat distractedly – or perhaps I was distracted. I felt his hand moving rapidly over my buttocks and then he splayed his fingers between them. I tensed a little but he stopped moving his fingers and began licking my lips with his tongue. It was delicious and relieving and when he again started kissing me, more gently this time, I almost forgot where his fingers lie.
But then they began to move again, sliding gently back and forth, barely within the fold of my buttocks. Draco kept kissing me and kept moving his fingers, delicately increasing their depth with each pass. When his fingers achieved their goal and he had reached the skin about my anus, his hand motion stopped again and he pulled back from me a little.
I opened my eyes and he was staring back at me with a questioning expression on his face. I knew he was asking me if it was ok for us to continue, but I wasn't sure where we were going. Yet, the feeling of his fingers rubbing gently across my anus was darkly exciting somehow and I wanted him to continue…at least doing that. I leaned forward and closed my lips over his in answer and he drove his tongue into my mouth. His fingers began moving again, with slightly more pressure, running back and forth, but never pausing. My mind became entirely focused on his fingers when their pressure increased once again and something in my mind began screaming for me to stop him, but my body was begging me to let him continue.
A few moments later, his fingers came to an abrupt stop, but this time he began to put pressure with one finger directly over my anus. He was very gentle, his finger moved with pressure but with a slight circling motion around the actual entrance. He was still kissing me, but I barely noticed I was so distracted by the movement of his finger. He stopped his movement again and forced me to attend to his mouth. His tongue was moving forcefully against mine and I reached up with my hand to touch his face. My hand met his skin and in the same moment, my head fell back from his mouth and my eyes snapped shut at the sensation of his finger entering me.
He had moved it inward only a miniscule amount but the sensation was quite fierce. He didn't continue to press forward after that, he merely moved his finger within me with a delicate circling motion. I took deep gasps of air trying to breathe through the small pain his finger had caused and I slowly began to relax and my body became accustomed to his touch. I remember his lips began moving gently against mine once more and I started sucking lightly on his upper lip.
I felt my passion beginning to rise within me once again and I realized my hand was still clinging to his face. I pressed my hand against his cheek and began kissing him again. His finger began moving with a slightly greater amount of pressure behind it, still gently rotating within me. I felt twists of pain as he continued his inward progress, though not as great as the initial one.
I took it out on his willing mouth, pressing my lips against his fiercely with each small pang I felt. But I had begun to feel pleasure as well, a dark type of pleasure that arose from the pain and drove surges of exotic delight through my body. My mind, split between his mouth and his finger, seemed to be exploding with emotions I couldn't retain. Draco pulled his lips from mine and moved his head toward my ear. 'Harry' he whispered and the word sent a tremendous surge of heat through my body. And then I felt him slipping his finger out again. It was quick, it had obviously barely been inside and yet it had seemed to fill me up somehow.
Draco was breathing rather heavily and he pulled away from me, slung his legs over the bed and stood up. A little surprised, my eyes followed him as he moved away from the bed and bent to pick up his coat. He pulled something out of the pocket and returned. He fell next to me again and without explanation, began kissing me sweetly. After a few seconds he began stroking my body again. I started getting very hot from his skilled touch and then I felt Draco's finger sliding between my buttocks once more.
His finger moved right to my anus this time, and he drove his tongue into my mouth as he pressed his finger gently inside of me. The contrast of the pleasure I felt from his tongue and the pain of his finger left me slightly bewildered, but I noted his finger seemed to slide forward with much less resistance at that point. I could feel he was moving much deeper within me than before but the pain was quickly ebbing.
He reached down with his free hand to capture my hardness and began caressing me while probing ever deeper within me with his finger. The cry begging him to stop within my mind was growing dimmer by the second as my body began to fill with feelings of bliss from the three prong attack of his mouth against mine, the caresses of his hand and the prodding of his finger.
I began to involuntarily rock against his caresses, slowly at first and then with greater force, simultaneously driving his finger deeper within me and moving my hardness against his hand. All the while his sweet mouth was filling mine with his delicious taste. Before long, the only sensations I felt were of pure pleasure. I felt my hardness surging within his hand as my ardor began to quickly build.
As I neared climax, I began rocking heatedly against his finger, pushing and pulling my hardness through his hand. Draco began kissing me deeply at that point and moments after his hot mouth assault, I found myself in the midst of the most raging orgasm I had experienced so far. I released heated and raspy cries of pleasure directly into Draco's mouth, and he accepted every gasp, every groan and every ragged breath that left my soul, both of his hands tenderly working all the while.
It was dark; the sun had all but set, but moonlight spilled in through the window lighting the room with a ghostly beauty. I lay sweating next to Draco, my breathing still heavy and broken and my hand tightly gripping his arm. I don't remember gripping his arm but apparently I had. I finally began to calm but I was exhausted so I did not move. Draco lifted my chin a few moments later and looked into my eyes. 'You ok?' he asked gently, an expression of light concern creasing his features. I smiled then, 'yeah' I said a little breathlessly. He returned my smile and bent his head to kiss me gently.
I laid there wondering if he wanted me to do for him what he had done for me. He had definitely taken the role of explorer – without discussing it with me before hand. Perhaps that is how it was to be between us, Draco the guide - the explorer. The pleasure he had evoked during his last tour of my body seemed to indicate he should remain the guide.
However, something inside of me rebelled at the thought of laying in wait for his guidance, pleasing him as directed and taking little to no initiative. We laid in silence for perhaps ten minutes. I knew he had not been sated but he didn't make any overtures toward me; perhaps he felt I needed to rest after his finger violation. But the truth is, recalling the experience, I began to feel hot once more and I started to feel that if I wanted any power in this situation I should just usurp it – as I had all of my life.
My face set in determination; I lunged suddenly toward him and pushed my mouth into his lips. I urged his delectable mouth open and began kissing him with a mad force. I began to stroke his body, my touch light and teasing, as he had done to me many times before. But there was no hesitancy or tentativeness within me today; I knew exactly what I was about. I felt his body react intensely to every stroke, every lick and every kiss I applied, and he eventually began to moan softly in reaction to my persistent caresses. I knew what I was doing to him but I was relentless. I moved down his body with my lips, dragging them along his skin and using my teeth to pull very gently at the softest parts of his flesh. Draco's thrashing above me told me that he was feeling the impact of my forceful seduction.
I moved my tongue slowly, licking his chest, his belly and then his thighs and my fingers followed the trail of my mouth, caressing him with a gentle teasing motion. His hardness was bursting with beauty and relishing its loveliness, I wanted to take hold of it, but that was not a part of my plan. I moved between his legs and began lightly licking his scrotum. Draco placed his hands on the back of my head and drove my face gently forward. But I shook my head from his grip and began a licking trail upward along the underside of his shaft and down again.
He was moaning almost constantly by that point, it was clear that he wanted me to close my mouth over his hardness, but I persisted teasing him with my tongue, moving upward again and licking gently around the head of his penis. 'Harry' Draco moaned gruffly, pleading with me in earnest. However I ignored his request and instead moved slowly upward again, letting my tongue ride along his body until I was facing him. He stared into my eyes, his beautiful grey eyes completely saturated with need - lusty need. He almost looked as though he was in pain and his breathing was coming in small quiet gasps.
I fell next to him and turned him rather abruptly toward me. I began a severe assault on his lips, which I am starting to consider my property. I ran my hand slowly threw his hair and down along his face and then over the muscles of his arm. I continued downward, sliding my palm against his torso and gripping the tight flesh on this thigh.
I moved my hand slowly around his body to his buttocks and rather furiously massaged the more pliant flesh I found under my fingers. I slowly moved my fingers inward until I found the soft fold between the lobes of his buttocks and I moved them downward quickly, rubbing along the skin inside as he had done to me earlier. I began kissing him fervently as two of my fingers began toying around his anus. The truth is I was on fire again. I felt my inflamed penis pressing against Draco's hardness between us and the pressure of our touch was sending delicious sensations through my groin.
I began to apply a light direct pressure with one of my fingers against his anus and at the same time I freed the arm that lay beneath me and began to stroke his hardness. Draco arched backward and gasped with pleasure when moments later I pressed my finger gently inside of him. Watching him, I felt myself losing a bit of control; my passion was rising faster than ever and I closed my eyes to try to fight against premature ejaculation.
I slowed my hands for a couple of moments and took a couple of deep breaths until I felt more in control. He moved toward me again and his mouth – his lips slightly parted - slammed before my vision. I captured it with mine, sliding my tongue into his mouth and began caressing his hardness again.
I began easing my finger forward into his anus, circling it a little as he had. Draco's eyes suddenly popped open and he pulled his mouth from mine. Then he reached behind and grasped my hand with his, removing my finger. I was looking at him rather intensely and my other hand stopped its caresses. His eyes were rather intense too, but his voice was soft and pleading. 'Harry' he said with soft urgency, 'that is not what I want."
He began moving about a little but I took little notice of that. I raised my eyebrows partially in question and partially in disbelief. He thought I was to be the sole receiver? Well no I was not going to be, that didn't suit me at all. My eyes narrowed and I was on the brink of telling him as much but his next action sent my words rushing back down my throat. I looked down in astonishment and confirmed what I had felt.
He was rubbing some sort of potion onto my penis. My eyes went wide when it dawned on me, in an astonishing moment of enlightenment, what exactly he did want. I don't know if he realized how shocked I was by his actions, he was looking down, still applying the potion. I gripped his face between my hands and forced his eyes to mine, my thoughts streaming from my eyes. Draco read them loud and clear I believe because he looked at me, his eyes full of pleading.
Physically I wanted desperately to take him; at that point I was ready to take whatever opening presented itself before my throbbing penis. But mentally something was screaming at me telling me not to do it. At the time I didn't think about why I didn't want to do it, I just heard the cry in my mind.
Thinking about it now, I know I wanted to be inside of Draco, the connection with him would allow for an intimacy between us I have longed for. But I think I realized it would mean a big step for me, the end to any doubt about my sexuality, the opening of a new door. I would be the explorer so that would not have been an issue for me at that point (although his earlier finger work had made me think that it would only be a matter of time until I was made the exploree.) In any case, I think in that moment I subconsciously realized that I would truly be entering a new chapter in my life; and while I desired it, I hadn't expected to reach it so quickly.
However it was at that point that Draco decided to play dirty. While I continued to hold his cheeks and stare at him with intense emotion, he forced a finger between my lips and into my mouth. He then pulled it out again and dragged it slowly and heavily across his lips and continued to move it lightly as he whispered, 'Please, Harry, I want you close; I need you inside of me.' His voice was, beseeching and hoarse, but I barely heard him. An uncontainable hunger had begun to arise within my soul as I watched the movement of his finger.
I didn't mentally issue a command to my hand but it left his cheek in a flash and I saw my fingers desperately knocking his out of the way in an eagerness to touch his beautiful lips. Moments later, I threw my lips against his, completely out of control. I have a vague recollection of him moving me a top of him and moving his legs outside of mine during the heated kiss that ensued. 'Please Harry, please,' he groaned into my mouth; his breath was hot and his wet mouth spoke directly to my heart and to my groin.
His mouth was clearly my downfall. He could have had whatever he wanted from me; do whatever he wanted to me at that point; as long as he continued to let me have contact with his enticing lips and his bewitching mouth. He felt my acquiescence; I didn't have to say a word. He lifted his legs at the knees on either side of me and I pushed myself up in response to his request, my eyes never leaving his mouth. I pressed his knees toward his chest and then used my finger to gently probe for the entrance to his body.
I grabbed my hardness and positioned it at the entrance and that was when I met his eyes. Perhaps I expected to see lust or some other associated emotion, but what I saw there was pure, unadulterated desire. It was as if he was relishing the impending closeness we would have together – the connection that would be made between us. It was beautiful somehow, he was beautiful and suddenly I mentally wanted to make love to Draco; I felt a desperate need to join myself with him in the most intimate manner possible. I began to ease my hips forward until I felt the tip of my penis slide inside of him.
Draco gasped at my first lunge, and because it had been very gentle, very small, his sound frightened me a little and I reflexively stopped moving. But he reached up and took hold of my arms urging me forward. I moved extremely slowly then, moving myself deeper inside of him. Draco's muscles gripped the tip of my hardness tightly and I reared my head back with delight at the sensation.
When I moved my head forward again, Draco's face was contorted with bliss or perhaps with pain or both, and he began pulling my torso toward him and arching his hips. I wanted to cry out with pleasure as I slowly moved deeper and deeper inside of him. The more I pushed, the easier the movement became and Draco began arching and pressing himself into me as I drove my body forward. In one incredible moment, the timing of our movements collided and his body consumed over half of my hardness during the thrust. My head flew forward and my mouth fell open as I began groaning breathlessly at the feel of his tight muscles gripping my penis. Draco's responding moan was delicious and low and this time I recognized it as a sound of pure elation. I remained still for a moment, savoring the feeling and then I began pushing my hips forward again.
Draco was pulling my buttocks toward him, his hands on either side of my body. My eyes however had again found his mouth; it was partially open and shook slightly, expelling gasping breaths with each of my light thrusts. I was relishing the feeling of being inside of Draco; the connection between our bodies was terribly intimate and beautiful. But the movement of his mouth sent a sudden powerful surge of passion through my body, from my chest to my groin. Blood rushed to my penis, filling it completely; I don't ever remember being that hard in my life.
Without thinking I abruptly drove my hardness forward, as far as it would go and fell against Draco's body, slamming my lips into his and forcing my tongue into his still only partially opened mouth. He gasped and then groaned madly against my mouth when I filled his body with my shaft and his head fell back into the pillow beneath him. His hands flew around to grasp my back and he pulled me tightly against him. A wave of passion poured through my body and my hardness throbbed with pleasure at the firm grasp of his muscles totally encasing it.
I followed his face, seeking his lips and lay kissing him deeply as my hardness continued to pulsate within him. Slowly I began thrusting again; hesitantly at first but as my ardor rose I began pumping faster. I rose up slightly pulling my lips reluctantly from his, to watch his face twisting with pleasure with each of my thrusts. Supporting myself on one arm I reached for his hardness between us and began caressing it in time with the steady pumping motion of my hardness within him. Draco shortly began moaning again and I felt his legs opening slightly and raising on either side of my body.
I began thrusting harder against him watching him jerk slightly upwards with each contact my body made against his. I could feel his excitement mounting; his body was trembling slightly and he began arching madly against each of my thrusts. My hand caressing him began to move faster and with increased pressure and Draco suddenly gripped my face with his hands and hoarsely groaned my name, his voice broken and breathy, as the waves of orgasm rocked through his body.
Watching him pass through climax triggered my own and completely overcome with feelings of lust and love for Draco, I plunged myself into his body and literally detonated from the inside out. I groaned ferociously as my seed began filling Draco's body; I felt myself shaking unmercifully as the waves of an unbelievably powerful orgasm passed through me.
Draco was still holding my cheeks and that alone prevented me from collapsing. But he lowered his arms and brought me gently against him afterward and then enveloped me in the warmest and most intimate hug I have ever had in my life. My head rested in the crook of his neck, my face in the pillow beneath us and Draco began rubbing his face against my hair. I was exhausted, still breathing heavily but a violent feeling of love for Draco rose up inside of me.
I slowly lifted myself to pull out of him and pressed my lips to his in a tender kiss. Then I fell gently against him again, rested my head on his shoulder, tucked a hand in his hair and felt his arms close around me. I lay breathing in his intoxicating scent in the moonlit darkness and slowly moved my fingers from his hair, down his face, and to his lips where they once more came to a rest.
We cuddled in silence for a long while following our intimacy and then I heard Draco's voice whispering against my fingers. 'That was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life, Harry'. His words mimicked my feelings exactly and I moved a little in his hug so that I was facing him. 'You're the most beautiful thing' I said and then captured his mouth in what turned out to be one of the gentlest, sweetest and most poignant kisses we have shared.
I am in love with Draco diary. I just re-read what I wrote, wanting to relive the experience through my own voice. God if anyone ever sees this I will be embarrassed as hell, but I am glad I wrote the details out for myself while they are fresh in my memory.
I was thinking, I am still not sure if what Draco feels for me is love. But I am quite sure whatever he feels, it goes way beyond lust. Our intimacy created a deeper connection between us as I knew it would. I laugh a little now as I think how we were both acting terribly loving and even a little possessive toward one another afterward as we dressed.
I have even come to terms with the explorer/exploree issue. Not only am I fine with being the exploree one day, I actually desire to be possessed by Draco. I want him inside of me; I want to light his soul on fire with love as he did for me today.
I am supposed to study now. I missed dinner but I don't much care about that, I am not very hungry for some reason. I hope I can carry on normally with Ron and Hermione while we do our assignments. However, I seriously doubt it; my mind is completely preoccupied with thoughts of my beautiful golden angel.
