Unvanquished
Alexis had work to do, a job; she apologized and kissed his cheek as she left, and he was broken enough to take a few halting steps after her before Esposito clapped a hand on his shoulder and dragged him back.
Lanie made them wait in her office; time was a bitch. Javier glared at him, muttering in Spanish, and Castle knew enough curse words to know he was getting laid into. He pressed his fists into his eyes and tried not to think, but he was a damn writer and all his imagintation could do was think.
The hospital hadn't delivered the body - Kate - yet. Lanie said it took time. It took time. Everything took time, but it was Tuesday, and time had ceased to be his friend.
And he knew what was happening to her - if it worked. He knew. He could envision all of it.
Paralysis, such extreme difficulty breathing that she'd feel like she was drowning, like her chest was too heavy, like she'd never be able to suck in a deep breath again.
People around her, disconnecting tubes, not hearing her as she screamed - her voice trapped in her head, her voice nothing at all.
Unable to move, unable to blink or make someone notice her, people passing right by and not stopping and her body no longer under her command, and then hands would transfer her to a black bag, the zipper would raise up over her in a flash, and then darkness. And Castle had never even had time to warn her what it would be like because he'd been afraid she wouldn't do it-
He'd taken the choice from her because he needed her so badly, and now she was alone, paralyzed and afraid and in the darkness, alone.
He heard the delivery, the gurney being wheeled in, and he jumped up to go for her, but Esposito blocked the door and clamped his shoulders in a vice made of his hands and forcibly sat him back down on the edge of Lanie's desk.
"You are not going to risk all of our freedom by running out there before Lanie comes to get us," Esposito growled. "You love Beckett; we get it. Ain't no way in hell I'm letting you ruin this now for us."
He sat, his lungs like stone. Like Kate's.
The morgue was emptying out. Lanie had the night shift anyway; she often came in early. No one would remark, especially knowing that her best friend had died-
God, oh God, help them. Help them. Kate.
He pressed his elbows into his thighs and buried his head in his hands, tried to breathe. He couldn't breathe. Kate couldn't breathe; she needed - he needed to get to her, because she was all alone and she couldn't move and he'd done such a terrible thing to her. It was all his fault.
"Zombie powder," Esposito huffed.
"Shut the hell up, Javier," he growled, lifting his head to stare the man down.
Esposito's jaw worked, he flexed his hand like he wanted to make a fist, but he shut his mouth. Sat down.
It was Alexis who came and got him; he hustled out after her, walking fast, trying desperately not to run, and Alexis led him around the corridor, down another hall, and back towards the cold storage room.
"Is she okay?" he breathed.
"Dad," Alexis said softly, her eyes gentle on him.
"Right, right, stupid question. She's naked and paralyzed and lying in a morgue freezer and-"
"Dad."
He nodded, his throat closing up, and followed her inside.
Lanie was already unzipping the black body bag. He rushed to Kate's side and jerked to a stop at the look of her.
Dead. She looked dead. She looked dead. And he'd done it.
He reached out and caressed her cheek; her eyes were closed. Someone had closed her eyes. Oh, oh, thank God, someone had closed her eyes. She looked cold and alone, but somehow-
He pressed his lips to her forehead and was relieved to feel the pliancy of skin. Not warm, not entirely, but not cold, not lifeless either.
"Kate," he murmured, fumbling for her hand without looking, fingers brushing her bare hip, skirting her side as he squeezed. "Kate, I love you, I love you. I'm so sorry, but you're going to be fine. You're going to be okay."
"Castle, I need to do this." Lanie said, nudging at him. He lifted up from his wife, saw Lanie was trying to get at Kate but he'd been blocking the way.
"Right," he said, and shifted up near Kate's head, releasing her hand to feather his fingers at her temples, kiss her forehead again, put his lips by her ear to reassure her. "Kate. It's me. You're okay."
Please let that be true.
Please let her be alive in there. Somewhere.
Lanie gave him a long look, the syringe and needle in her hands looking entirely too large, entirely too deadly.
He sucked in a breath. He thought maybe it would be better not to tell Kate what was coming next.
"She's probably not conscious right now," Lanie said.
"Alexis," he grit out. His daughter came at his back and hugged him, her chin over his shoulder.
"She's probably not conscious, Dad. Lanie's right. Lanie said she had a bad seizure, was vomiting? She may be paralyzed, but I bet she's not awake. I bet she's not going to know any of this. Okay?"
He nodded at Lanie. "Okay."
"One." Lanie raised the needle over Kate's chest. "Two."
His heart started to beat wildly; he buried his fingers in Kate's hair.
"Three."
She plunged the needle into Kate Beckett's heart.
There was nothing.
He squeezed his eyes closed and viciously prayed.
Alexis murmured at him, hands over his, trying to pull him away.
"Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Kate."
He bowed his head against hers, couldn't find the will to breathe.
A sob was wrenched from the depths of him and he pressed his mouth against her eye, her cheek, a litany of fierce love pouring out of him.
"Castle it's been-"
And then a sucking gasp, a rattle, and Lanie went still.
"She's trying to breathe," he said.
"Oh my God."
"She's trying to breathe. Lanie. Help her."
He could feel her heartbeat, erratic and awkward under his fingertips now. He could feel the small flex of her index finger against his palm.
"I know, I know, Kate. I know. I got you." He pressed his mouth to her wrist, the pulse jumped at his touch. "Oh God, Kate. I know. I know."
Lanie shoved him aside and felt for the pulse herself, then moved again, adjusting the oxygen levels. "You are damn lucky we just happened to have this equipment here, Richard Castle."
He didn't even care. He didn't care. The oxygen was flowing down into her body, breath and life, and he only had eyes for Kate.
Alexis came back into the room; they'd moved Kate from cold storage into an empty autopsy suite, Castle had dressed her in scrubs Lanie had found, wrapped her in the thermal blankets Ryan had brought with him. Castle had never intended this many people to be involved; he'd wanted only to get Kate out, to do it alone, the risk theirs alone, but they had created a family out of these people and he saw now how unfair it had been, keeping them in the dark.
"Dad," Alexis said gently. "We need to move her. The medical school has an observation in here in thirty minutes."
He leaned over his wife and pressed his lips to her cheek, stroked his mouth down to her ear. "We've got to move you out of here, Kate, love. Okay? We're going to move you. Just keep focusing on breathing, trying to breathe."
"I'm keeping you hooked up to oxygen, Kate." Alexis took the brake off the canister and rolled it around to the side of the gurney. "Dad, we're taking her into Lanie's office."
"The gurney won't fit-"
"No, not the gurney. They need it for the observation. I need you to pick her up, and follow me closely so the oxygen doesn't dislodge."
"Yes, okay," he said, nodding at her. Alexis gave him a long look, strength in her gaze, and then Castle slowly slid his arm under Kate's neck.
Her body twitched. "Hey, I got you. You're okay. I'm going to carry you, Kate." He carefully scooped her up under her knees; her body was so long that she sagged against him, but so very light that it was like picking up a bird - all hollow bones and injured wings.
He adjusted her against him, brought her head up to his shoulder, then wrapped his arm around her back instead. Alexis folded the warming blanket and piled it on top of Kate's lap. Castle squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips to his wife's cheek, murmuring in her ear for a moment, nonsense words he was sure, but he couldn't let her think she was alone.
Alexis nodded at him and pushed the oxygen tank towards the door. "If I see someone, Dad, we'll have to duck into an empty suite and hide. Okay? So pay attention."
"Yes."
She turned her head to look at him, his beautiful, courageous daughter. "You can do this."
He took a long breath, the pungent scent of the morgue in his nostrils, but his arms so very full.
"I got it," he said to her. To both of them.
He couldn't let her go; his arms wouldn't obey. He leaned against the wall as he sat on the floor of Lanie's office, his legs out in front of him and Kate draped against him. He cradled her because he didn't know what else to do.
The oxygen tank was on the floor beside them, attached to the little tubing, the cannula, that went into her nose. She was still wrapped in the warming blanket; it made an awful noise every time he shifted. His bottom and legs were numb, but he couldn't let her go.
He pressed his lips to her neck, eyes closed, breathing her in, feeling for the rhythm of her pulse with his mouth.
Lanie checked on her periodically; Alexis had been the one to suggest they move out of sight of the door, so they were back here behind Lanie's desk. Ryan and Esposito were raiding his apartment for the travel bags he'd packed ages ago.
In hopes that she'd wake. In hopes that she'd been able to breathe enough while paralyzed to not do permanent brain damage. In hopes that the doses of toxin he'd been feeding her - one sleeping pill at a time - had done their job and allowed her to build up a slight resistance to the poison so that her vital organs hadn't shut down.
He sucked in a breath and ghosted his hand over her arm, couldn't keep himself from laying his palm at her belly, rubbing his fingers over the material of her scrubs.
"Kate," he murmured. "I need you to wake up. I need you to open your eyes and look at me." He placed an open-mouth kiss at her cheekbone, drifted down to her mouth to hover there, unwilling to seal off her fragile breath for even an instant.
"Kate, please." He rubbed his cheek against the top of her head, drying the renegade tear, and then feathered a kiss at the hinge of her jaw.
He could feel her pulse skip whenever he touched her with his mouth.
"I feel you, Kate. I feel you trying to move. Just breathe, love. Just breathe and it will wear off. I promise. It will wear off so long as you keep breathing."
