Author's Note: So the suspense is over, but the drama is just starting.
User1-FlynnK
Sam-
Spencer sits across from me flailing his arms about, being his usual funny self, he's telling me about Teddy.
"He's so strange that guy, going from serious to funny, then talking about his glory days of fighting professionally."
I nod along, I'm just happy to hear that Teddy didn't threaten him or anything. Didn't really have to worry about that though; not with Spencer. Teddy's off doing something gym related, sort of sad I missed him.
Evidently he cooked for Spencer, which he's raving about now, and how Teddy scared Mrs. Benson by looking all "Thugish".
I can't help but laugh and start to worry. I haven't received any texts from Billy so far.
"What's up kiddo?" Spencer says from across the table.
"Oh nothing," I say and tap the screen of my phone one more time.
Spencer looks at the phone and makes a face.
"Hasn't gone off since you got here."
"It worries me."
"I'm sure he's just busy Sam," Spencer says avoiding my eyes. "Now go upstairs and get some homework done. Freddie and Carly are waiting for you."
I nod, and Spencer tries to grab my phone
"Leave it here, I'll try and get a hold of him for you."
What's he trying to pull? I can tell he's worried, about me more than Billy. I hear him hit the send button and start talking as I head up the stairs.
Carly and Freddie look happy to see me as they mess around on their computers.
We start to rehearse for tomorrow night's show, and I try my best to be here, but I just can't, I'm too worried about what's going on, if my phone's going off or if Teddy's tried to call. That's when I see Spencer outside the door to the studio. His face looks broken with stress.
He pushes the door open and all I here are the words Billy, hospital and Teddy.
I'm running before I can think and Spencer catches me in his arms, I'm fighting him, and now Freddie and Carly are holding me back, and I'm trying to go, to get to the hospital.
Spencer throws me over his shoulder and I see Mrs. Benson holding out her keys, saying something about being here. I start screaming, pounding on Spencer's back to set me down.
He eventually does strapping me into Freddie's mom's car.
The car ride takes too long and I break down.
We finally pull into the parking garage of the hospital and Spencer has to restrain me from running, holding me back again.
Why won't he let me go to Billy? Why?
I see Teddy coming to us quickly. He's jogging to us his eyes red and flushed from crying. His arms wrap me up in a hug as he lifts me off the ground, his words lost to me. I can't hear what he's saying over the rushing of blood in my ears, the pounding of my heart at what may have happened.
He lets go of me and I try and run past him, he slaps me lightly on the cheek and it brings me back. I look up at him and he smiles a deep broken smile.
"Billy's gonna be fine Sammie, I promise."
"What happened," I'm yelling it and people around us are watching.
I hear Spencer trying to shoo them away.
"He had an attack," Teddy says quietly. "It was a very violent coughing fit, caused him to lose enough oxygen to black out."
I break down, fall to the ground and cry; partly out of relief, but the guilt of having not been with him makes my chest hurt, makes me feel awful.
I should have been with him. I should have been there with him.
Teddy picks me up off the ground with one arm and cradles my face in the other, surprising me at how strong he really is.
"Stop being a schmuck, he's alive Goddammit!"
Teddy's momentary rage catches me off guard and I hear Spencer gasp, I look at him and I know he can see the pain and shock in my eyes because he's starting to cry. He pulls me into another hug and holds me there.
"He's going to be fine."
"I should have been there with him Teddy," whispering it into his ear.
I hear him laugh. "No feeling guilty over this."
I let out a sob that turns into a laugh and Teddy howls with laughter.
"You gotta practice for that show of yours girlie, no amount of guilt will help you be funny."
He guides us into the hospital and I sit down in the waiting room with Spencer as Teddy checks in on Billy in the Nurse's station.
Spencer starts to make weird noises and stops as he gets dirty look. He's just trying to cheer me up. Teddy plops down next to me, making the bench shake and sighs.
"Billy's in X-Ray, he should be out in a bit, but the head Nurse back there said they may keep him overnight."
"We were supposed to go out tonight," I blurt out in a whine and Teddy laughs at me.
"Never would've believed being back in a hospital twice in one day," Teddy says looking at the ceiling. "That boy's luck is rotten in everything but love and fighting."
Spencer laughs at that one, and I begin to as well, knowing full well it's the only thing we can do.
It's that or go crazy.
Spencer's phone rings and he excuses himself, he's talking to Carly, who must be talking to Freddie's Mom. Teddy pulls me close to him his cologne more noticeable then before.
"You okay Sammie?"
"No."
It's honest, I'm not okay, and I want to see Billy.
"Honest answer for honest folk," Teddy recites to no one. "He's fine for now."
I nod and Teddy shakes me with a laugh.
"You know what was on his TV when I got there?"
I shake my head against his shoulder and he starts laughing.
"That web thing you do with that gangly guy's sister."
I blush, I can't believe he was actually watching that, especially when I act like such a goof.
"Really?"
"Oh yeah," he nods. "And I have to tell you, when he finally came around in the ambulance, the first word out of his mouth was your name. He put up a hell of a fight for a sick man. He wouldn't leave the gurney until he got to call you. They had to sedate him after he punched an orderly.
I start laughing and crying at the same time. I don't know how to respond to that. Teddy hugs me again.
"It's gonna be okay Sammie, I promise you that if I gotta cut out my own lungs for the boy to breathe, he's gonna be okay."
Spencer comes back and sits down with us. "Carly's worried about you kiddo."
"I'm worried about me, Spence." Teddy lets me go to sit up. "I don't know what I'm doing."
Spencer and Teddy laugh.
"No one does Sam, we just wing it."
"But I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, Spencer," he nods and I hear Teddy chuckle.
"You can't control what's going on, except for the clothes you wear, what you pay for gas, and what you eat every day," Teddy says quietly. "I believe in fate, and fate's drawn us here today, to be here for this boy."
Teddy starts to cry; he gets up and walks down the hall disappearing around a corner. I look at Spencer and hug him. He hugs me back and tells a corny joke that makes me laugh.
An hour later a Nurse comes up to us and tells us that Billy's coming out in a minute, that he'll be in a room, and that if we follow her she'll lead us there. We follow quietly and wait.
Teddy arrives first, his face red and puffy, a tired look in his eyes.
But I can hear Billy from down the hall complaining about staying the night that he had a date with a beautiful girl that he doesn't want to disappoint.
They wheel him in, and he's sitting in a wheelchair, in a hospital gown and weird brown overly worn house slippers. Billy tries to stand and can't, wobbling back down into the chair and the Doctor laughs.
"He's still a little high off the sedative we gave him earlier, so be forewarned he's a little out there."
Billy's staring at me, a goofy expression on his face.
"Wasn't my fault I had to cancel, this wavy man here told me I couldn't have fun."
Spencer stifles a laugh and looks at the floor, the Nurses with the Doctor help Billy up to the bed, hooking him up to all sorts of machines and stuff.
I hate seeing him this way, but I can see up his robe from here, and I like what I see. I see Spencer's head dart into my vision trying to see what I'm staring at and he makes a face when he does, looking back and forth and starts to let out a low scream and covering my eyes.
Batting away his hand, Teddy laughs as the Doctor begins babbling about medical stuff, I can't tear my eyes away from Billy, he's smiling at me like he knows a secret and it's a secret I want to know.
"Well the cough is something fairly common, I've been telling him to lay off the excessive physical exercise, like his fighting," the Doctor says with a laugh. "But if it's keeping him in good health I can't argue with it. What I can argue with is the fact that it might have caused his attack. I also suspect since he broke his hand that he's become … emotionally unstable."
Teddy grumbles a curse word. "The fuck does that mean, Doc?"
"It means he's depressed," the Doctor bites back a bit of anger, I'm trying my best to listen and watch Billy who is trying his best to do a bit of simple sign language. "I'm referring him to a therapist. He's a good man. He's also a cancer survivor and knows what it's like."
Teddy curses again and I see Billy clumsily point to his eye and nod, I nod back and then he points to his chest and nods again, then he points at me and smiles.
I blink and I don't get it, I don't understand what he's trying to say, and then it clicks. Eye, heart, me … wait to him, it'd be you. Eye heart you?
I know the question is written on my face because he nods and it makes me dizzy and I don't know why. I look over to the Doctor who raises an eyebrow at me and goes back to talking.
"However the results so far from his X-Rays are impressive to say the least," the Doctor says and pulls them out. I scrunch up my face as he holds them up to the light. "Okay you see this is one taken a month ago."
He hands that one off to a Nurse and pulls out another.
"And this one is from tonight. You notice how the white area here is smaller in size and shape?"
Spencer whistles. "It's smaller."
Teddy starts laughing, and Billy continues to stare at me.
"By a quarter of an inch it is, which means that the chemotherapy treatments seem to be working. Now I stress no one here get their hopes up, because it could be temporary, but personally my colleagues and I are incredibly optimistic about this development."
Teddy takes the man in a bear hug, tearing him off the floor and starts swinging him around, the Doctor laughs and asks to be put down. Teddy releases him in a wave of emotion that I never thought possible from the man and comes straight toward me, arms open and before I can move he has me up in the air as well screaming in my ear that God was listening.
The Doctor laughs and shoos the Nurses off.
"Listen visitor time is over in an hour, I'm going to leave you all alone with Mister Cohen."
"It's Billy!" He screams from his bed and we all look at him and his goofy smile.
Teddy looks at me and then back to Billy, a smile on his face that has his intention written all over it.
"Let's give them some space, huh?"
Spencer sputters and shakes his head. "Nuh-uh!"
Teddy looks him in the eye, even though Spencer is taller, Teddy, has more presence.
"Pally, what are they gonna do in here?"
Spencer's eyes wide with slight terror mumbles and answer, I can't help but feel sorry for him. Teddy forces him out the door closing it behind them and I'm up out of my chair and by Billy's side on the bed.
I feel his warmth and it makes me mad we're in this nasty place, so smelly and clean. He holds his arm out a bit and I wrap mine around his.
"I knew you'd find a way to ditch me," I say with a smirk, I just want to keep that smile on his face even though I know it won't be hard.
"I'm very happy," he looks at me with a glazed joy in his eyes, and it makes me want to kiss him. "I think I love you."
I feel my jaw drop and I'm staring at him, his smile widens and he looks at his hands with this goofy smile.
"Do you really think that?"
"I feel it," he says pointing at his chest with his free, unbroken hand."Right here, like a bright light that burns me from the inside out."
I feel a tear roll down my cheek and he frowns at it shaking his head crazily.
"No crying, be happy!"
"I don't understand," I hear myself say absently.
"What's to understand," he starts to laugh and wave his head from side to side."I was watching your show and I knew it because I felt it, although I don't want to admit it, and I think I'm saying it because I nearly died and these drugs are awesome!"
He nearly died? No one told me that, the bastards.
But I don't want him to love me because he nearly died. I want him to love me because he's in love with me normally? I don't quite understand what I want here. I should be happy, but instead I feel conflicted and scared.
"You're probably going, 'he's just high and he don't know what he's talking about', but I do." He says waving his free hand around.
"You're pretty stoned aren't you?" I ask him with a forced smile.
"Are you mad at me?"
I shake my head no and he frowns.
"Yes you are, I can feel that too, I can see it in your eyes. Why are you mad at me?"
"I'm not mad Billy," I say and lay my head on his shoulder, and I'm not mad, I'm just confused."
"You're mad at me because I love you," he sounds like a child that can't have a toy. "You're mad because I only think it, because maybe I almost nearly probably died on the floor, and that I don't mean it. But I do. I mean it, I feels it here, and I knows it here, and I can see it here."
He points to his heart, his head and at me, his eyes big and doped up.
"I can admit it now, because I nearly lost myself. I can't go yet, not with you not knowing how I feel about your pretty face, and the way you walk, and the way you punch."
He's giggling now, and points at the wall. "The walls moving."
"I know it is." I say a little disappointed, I feel like crap being disappointed with this, but I can't be too upset.
At least he's saying it right?
"I don't like mad Sam," he jerks his arm away from me with surprising force and growls. "Why can't you be happy?"
I know he's stoned but this hurts, so I punch him in the arm and the look of shock tells me what I'm dealing with.
It's not the Billy I know, it's like he's a little kid, afraid, temperamental, and it has to be the drugs; I know it has to be the drugs but I can't stand to see him this way. I want my Billy back. MY Billy? What am I talking about, I've known the guy for two days!
But there's just something about him, something that makes him mine.
So I smile and he looks at me suspiciously, so I lean forward and kiss his cheek, and he sighs faintly.
I get up off the bed and excuse myself to the restroom, I shut the door behind me and start to cry, maybe Carly's right, and maybe I can't handle this. All this stuff makes me scared that I can't handle anything. I don't even know what I'm doing here, or what made me want to run here, I don't understand and that scares me.
I hear Spencer before I see him, and I look up at him.
"I don't know that I can do this."
"I know Sam, I know," he takes me into his arms and holds me.
I know Teddy is on the other side, I know he heard me, and I think he knows I may be right. I can handle the anger, I can handle the pills and the vomiting, but I can't handle seeing him like this.
Teddy pulls Spencer away, and he goes willingly, Teddy looks down at me and nods, his eyes telling me things I don't want to hear.
"This is your chance to go," he says and points at the door. "I won't hold it against you, and neither will Billy. I feel like running myself, because this is harder than I realized it would be, seeing him there like a fucking child, doped out of his mind and that's just a sedative to keep him calm."
Teddy holds the tears back, but his voice is full of them.
"I can't imagine what it's going to be like if the chemo fails, what it's going to be like to see the boy we know die and what's left is a husk of that bright young boy."
Spencer tries to intercede but Teddy waves him off.
"Let me talk, please. You're seventeen, gonna be eighteen next month, you got a graduation coming up, college maybe. I hear you like art, and you're good at comedy, and you're a good friend, but you won't be sitting there watching that boy die in your arms everyday if this doesn't work out. If this bites us in the ass and kills him, we're all gonna go down the damn drain with him."
"That's enough," Spencer says grabbing my arm. "I think I should take her home."
"Truth hurts don't it," Teddy looks at me and he isn't angry, but he's in pain. "That boy may be doped outta his skull, and he may be looney tunes, and he may be a lot of things but I do truly believe that boy loves you to some extent. I see you looking at him and you know what I see?"
I shake my head, and he answers. "Love and doubt, you doubt yourself just as much as he does, but you want this just as much as he does."
Spencer pushes him back and pulls me out of the room, muttering the only curses I've ever heard him say. He looks genuinely angry.
"Who does that guy think he is, putting all that on you? What… what a… fucking asshole!"
"Spencer," I manage to say, and I'm a bit impressed. "Language?"
"No, that's not right," he says letting go of my arm and turning back to the room. "I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind!"
"He was a heavy weight boxer," I remind him through tears and a smile.
He turns on his heel walking quickly away and I follow him.
We get back to Carly's and I end up sleeping in her bed, and she comforts me as I cry. Freddie's mom and Spencer sit up talking. Freddie said he'd be in the studio working on some new nerd thing. I fall asleep quickly, and forget what's going on.
A day or two passes and I can't believe he hasn't texted me, or called me. But I can't handle it, seeing him that way, but I can't handle not being without him right now. I don't know how to feel.
Carly's watching me stare at my phone and asks. "Still hasn't called you?"
"No. That weenie," I say loudly. "What the crap?"
Freddie laughs.
"When you left, you said you couldn't handle it."
Teddy probably told him, God, he probably thinks I'm a chicken. I am a chicken for running like that, even though I want to be with him. I let out a loud groan.
"I don't know what to do."
"Follow your heart," Freddie says like a bad romance movie.
"My heart doesn't know what to do," I yell at him.
Freddie stands up and looks at me, squaring his shoulders, he's about to yell back.
"Then what does your gut say?"
"That I'm not hungry," I say sadly.
"And?" Carly asks, softly.
"That I want to be with him, even though it scares the crap out of me."
Freddie screws up his face in a smile."You're scared?"
"I don't know that I can handle what's going on with him," I say it slowly. "And that scares me."
"Bull," He says and takes a step closer. "You're afraid to care about him."
"Let me guess. You're going to wait for him to come to the same conclusion?" Carly asks with a sigh.
I sit down and nod.
"Yup."
