7 The Exhalations of Grief are Life

-Doctor, why isn't she regenerating? Isn't she like us?- Incapable of speaking, Rose asks using her mind instead.

-Oh, Rose. No, I guess she isn't enough like us. She was Gallifreyan, but without certain traits she wasn't a Time Lord and can't regenerate. I'm so sorry. I had so many ideas about where to take her first-

-She was so like you, you know. So enthusiastic, she learned the choice between killing and finding another way, and was excited when it made sense to her. You would have been so proud-

-Rose, my precious, precious Rose. I am proud. I am so, so proud of both of you. Will you share her with me later, so I can know her the way you did? I missed out...on knowing our daughter- Rose senses the echoes of so much loss from him and it only adds to her misery.

-Of course. I…I need to get to the TARDIS, though. I'm not feeling well, the baby is upset. He felt her go, too, because I was holding her, and I need to rest. They'll take care of her, won't they?- she asks, momentarily fearful. -She was born here, I think it's fitting she should stay-

-I agree. I'll make sure she's taken care of. Go with Dougie. I'll be along-

Silently, they sit vigil for another few minutes before he helps Rose stand and allows Dougie to take her, having already communicated his plans to him. Dougie moves away with Rose to Donna to Jack's side. They exchange a few quiet words, and Donna wraps an arm around Rose as Jack looks back to the silent figure grieving by his daughter's body.

The Doctor looks over at Jack a moment, nods, and mouths, "Thank you," to him. Jack straightens and gives him a crisp and unusually sincere salute. This serves to pull one side of the Doctor's mouth up toward a small smile. Seeing his success, Jack turns and follows the others to the TARDIS, leaving the final arrangements to the Doctor.


The Doctor stands, communing silently with Genny. Telling her all the things they could have done and seen. All the trouble her mum would get them into. And he apologises for letting her down. If he had realised how out of control Cobb was, things would have ended differently. Everything was going so well, he'd allowed himself to get distracted, and it cost him the life of his accidental daughter. Learning the snippets of their escapades through Rose's brief communications had only been enough to scratch the surface of this brilliant young woman. It frustrates him to no end that something drastic always has to happen before the short-lived peoples finally get it. Well, thinking on it, drastic is in the eye of the beholder, because it took a different kind of drastic to get his own long-lived people to get a clue.

Kneeling down, he gathers her body into his arms and standing again, turns to leave the room. At the door, Gable and Cline are waiting for him, ready to lead a procession through the tunnels back to the theatre. The way is lined with all of their people, both Human and Hath, standing silently in observance of her sacrifice. After a few paces, observance is no longer enough… a Hath reaches out and gently brushes her shoulder, the next a human touches her hand, and another her hair. As the Doctor carries her through the tunnels the Humans and Hath briefly touch her, acknowledging in their own way that she was there-she had been one of them.

Initially, the Doctor wants to stop them, the touching being so against his own ways. But he calms himself, actually feeling the need in the people around him. They are grieving for his loss in a way he cannot yet, and he can be grateful to them.

Moving through the tunnels, they finally reach the theatre that had been the staging area for the earlier Human resistance. Now, there is a table set up for him to lay Genny on, dappled in the ever changing rays of the Terraforming reactions that are taking place on the other side of the windows.

"Would you let us give her a proper ceremony, Doctor?" Cline asks and Gable nods in agreement. "I think it would be good for us. We promise to do right be her, honour her sacrifice, and your and Rose's teachings. We could have learned so much from you. I'm sorry it happened this way. I hope you'll check in on us someday. See what we've made of ourselves, now that you've given us another chance."

The Doctor has no room for any words of his own, but he nods his agreement. Turning to leave, he pauses at the door, looking back at Genny one last time, before making his lonely way to the TARDIS.

Reaching the familiar blue box, he's greeted with a wave of strong love from Her when he lays his hand against the door prior to opening it. Her unconditional support pulls a smile to his lips, and he thanks Her as he pushes the door open and makes his way up the ramp with slow tired steps.

Reaching the Console, the Doctor finally looks up to see Dougie, Jack, and Donna looking at him. Squelching the desperate need to be alone, he moves to take them into the Vortex. Everyone takes their places and helps…silently. Once safely floating within the timelessness of the Vortex, the Doctor sighs deeply, leaning back against one of the struts.

Rose enters the room, freshly showered and wrapped in a blanket. Guilt sweeps over the Doctor for not going to her immediately, but letting her deal with her grief alone. That has always been his way, but it's not hers. Stepping away from the strut to go to her, she moves past him to the jump seat without looking up.

Feeling even worse for her rejection, no matter how deserved, he falls back against the coral again, receiving another supportive wave from the TARDIS.

~She grieves and worries, my Thief. That is not your doing~ the TARDIS tells him frankly.

/No, but I wasn't there for her either, and that is,/ he replies.

~She holds no blame in her heart for you, but you will have to explain Rassilon's Imprimatur. She was insistent~

/Well, I have enough blame for both of us then, and I will, thank you./

~My beautiful idiot, blame is useless. Genny was why I brought you here. I did not realise you would also create her. I am the one who missed the paradox and brought you early~

/I'm not sure that's entirely accurate. Genny wouldn't have been made at all if we hadn't landed. They'd already put all the others through the progenator machines multiple times. She wouldn't have been different enough without us, and it was Rose's compassion and beliefs that shaped her beyond the teaching she was born with. Still a paradox, but a very unavoidable one./

The TARDIS brushes his mind again, and he returns the affection, though his hearts yearn to go to Rose.

"Were we brought to Messaline because of Genny, Doctor?" Jack asks astutely.

"Yes. The TARDIS and I were just going over it. She hadn't realised Genny was a paradox, an endless paradox."

"I wouldn't have changed it," Rose says from the jump seat, startling them. As they all look at her, she pushes her hair back behind her ears, looking very sad and very young as she sits, her grief plain to see.

"I would never choose to miss this day. A different ending would've been nice, but I wouldn't have changed anything else about meeting her, making her."

"Me, either, Rose," the Doctor says, his own voice thick, and they hears sounds of agreement from the other three as well. Pushing away from the strut, he takes a step forward to join her, but she raises a hand, stilling him.

"Please tell me about the Imprimatur. The TARDIS said I had to ask you, so I am. What is it and how would it keep Genny from regenerating?"

The Doctor stiffens at her question and hesitates, feeling all eight pairs of eyes fixed on him. The Imprimatur is one of the best kept Time Lord secrets—the one most easily hidden, because it just wasn't spoken of. Feeling hundreds of years worth of tradition fluttering around his ears in trepidation, he choose to ignore them. Keeping their secrets hadn't kept them from the War, or from dying, or from being locked away.

He's told these people about the War, about how his people destroyed as much as they saved in their misguided attempts to be the victors in an unwinnable battle for more than their precious secrets. How is this any different? These four people, well four and a half, are his family. Reminding himself of what Rose is constantly trying to pound into his skull—he isn't doing this alone.

"Well," he starts, feeling more-or-less at ease with his decision, but not more comfortable with the subject matter itself. Turning back toward the console and running his hands through his hair, he stuffs them in his pockets before he continues, "In his prime, Rassilon discovered or invented (the stories differ) a symbiotic nuclei present within a Gallifreyan's cells. He postulated that the nuclei developed because of the presence of the Schism when it still resided within the planet's crust, and our evolution near it. Once the Schism was uncovered, he began experimenting with how the raw forces of time worked within it and affected us. With this knowledge, he manipulated and altered the nuclei to be more stable, so that when charged by exposure to the raw energies present within the Schism, they activated.

"In my time, this stage made you a junior Time Lord at the age of 8. That is if it didn't drive you immediately insane or kill you on the spot, which happened occasionally. While any Gallifreyan could become a Time Lord, not all were. The great Time Lord Houses took precedence, but gifted children could test for a chance to see the Schism, a dubious honour, I assure you. But it had to be children to be mentally flexible enough to withstand the changes.

"The exposure to the Schism activates not only our ability to withstand the Vortex, and to bond with and utilise the TARDIS, but most importantly, it opened our temporal senses and expanded our awareness of our dimensionality. The century or so we spend in the Academy is to teach us how to use and control this new awareness and abilities—one of those abilities being regeneration. That's why we only get thirteen initially, but can be granted more, by being given fresh symbiotic nuclei. That's what the Sphynx did for us when she remade you and zapped me."

"But what does that all mean for me or Genny? I haven't seen the Schism. And why didn't I know about the Imprimatur? What good is having all this knowledge if it can't help?" Rose ends yelling, fresh tears standing in her eyes.

"My Rose, you are something special, something unique," the Doctor says tenderly, going to her despite the anger. Taking her face in his hands, he needs her to understand. "You were made this way, like Genny in a sense, but from the TARDIS herself and by a pan-dimensional being that was feeling generous one day. I can spend the rest of my life trying to understand how you exist, Rose Tyler, but I'd rather just live it with you."

Seeing the sincerity in his eyes, she relaxes against him, allowing him to comfort her, where she couldn't before. He wraps his arms tightly about her, rocking them gently.

Hearing a small, polite cough behind them, the Doctor and Rose suddenly remember that they are, in fact, not alone in the room.

"Doctor, Rose, I know this is, of course, a sensitive subject, but I have a question based on what you just shared," Dougie says cautiously.

"Yes, Dougie, please," Rose responds, wiping her eyes and trying to smile for him. The Doctor stands next to Rose protectively; he is not smiling.

Seeing the Doctor's expression, does the exact opposite of stopping him, if that was his intention. Dougie thinks these two need a little more hope in their lives, and he feels the importance of this in his soul.

"I wonder, since Genny was made from both your genetic material, that the Imprimatur nuclei may have actually been there, though partially dormant, especially with Rose's being a different variety. Would exposure to the terraforming energies not, in a sense, act like the Schism on a newly formed Gallifreyan body? Perhaps we should have waited a bit longer, or perhaps it would happen differently. I have a very strong feeling we should check, Doctor."

The Doctor's expression has grown thunderous through Dougie's postulating, as he feels the glimmer of hope twitch in his own hearts. There's no way he can ignore the bonfire that has erupted in Rose's beside him; their bond is alive with it—hope.

"Doctor, we have to check. What if Dougie's right?" Rose asks, pleading with her eyes.

"What if he's not?" he retorts, moving away from her to begin fiddling agitatedly at the console. "We were there for hours afterward. It shouldn't have taken so long if there was hope."

"Well, technically we were only there for 2 hours and 12 minutes after…well after Genny…fell," Jack manages against the Doctor's glare.

Donna nudges Jack with an elbow, smiling proudly at him when he glances at her. He squeezes her shoulders but locks his eyes on the Doctor.

"Doctor, please. I want to know. Even if we find we're wrong," Rose tries again.

"And what then?" he asks rudely, throwing his hands in the air and pacing in front of the console; a caged tiger that's being poked. "What are you going to do if they've embalmed her? How are you going to feel if they burned her, which is what I almost told them to do, but they asked to make their own ceremony, and I allowed it." The misery and anger plain on his face as he turns a baleful eye in his wife's direction, is at war with the tiny spark of hope she can feel trickle through their link.

"What are you going to do if they came up with something you don't understand? How do you think that will feel?" he finishes, his belligerent tirade winding down until they almost need to lean in to hear the last bit.

"Then we celebrate her life with them and leave. Doctor, it doesn't hurt to know," Donna tries, seeing the stunned look on Rose's face.

"No, it hurts to say goodbye again," Rose says, understanding what the Doctor is really feeling. Hope is wonderful, but how often has it been snatched away. He's afraid.

"Stay in the TARDIS if it will be easier for you, but I need to go. If I can, I need to see her again. I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye. I was too upset and worried about our son," Rose says, laying a hand to her belly.

That move decides him. He may not like it, but he can't deny her the opportunity when she was robbed of it earlier, trying to protect their unborn child.

Stepping angrily away from the strut, the Doctor moves to the monitor and fights with it a moment before sending them through the landing sequence.

"Fine!" he yells at the ship. Slamming the materialisation switch home, they land less gently than before, Rose catching herself on the jump seat and the others against the railing. Ignoring them all, the Doctor moves with quick angry steps down the ramp and through the doors.

Darling assures Rose, that while Her Thief is being dramatic, She would never have allowed Her Wolf to be harmed. Rose, in turn, reassures Darling that she understands. The Doctor will be fine; he's just angry with…well, everything at the moment. He hasn't had the chance to process anything yet, and he's a little out of practise at hiding from his emotions, so he's feeling overwhelmed—Rose understands.

Following him out of the TARDIS, they find themselves in a hallway just down from the theatre. Running down the passage towards them are Cline and Gable, surprise evident on their faces…well, on Cline's face.

"Doctor, Rose! When we mentioned your returning, we expected it would be years, not the very next day, but welcome. What can we do?" Cline asks, a little out of breath.

Ahh...that explains some of the anger, Rose thinks to herself. The Doctor was assuredly trying to land them moments after they left-not a day. Anything can happen in a day.

"We need to see Genny," Rose says, stepping past the fuming Doctor.

"She isn't with you? We assumed…"

"What did you assume? What happened?" the Doctor asks roughly as he takes a half step forward, his posture changing completely, appearing almost hostile.

"Tell us exactly what happened Cline. Please," Rose pleads, laying a hand on the Doctor's elbow, feeling the explosion of white hot Hope flair through his mind.

As the others gather close, Cline explains that yesterday, he and Gable were discussing what would be best for the ceremony. As he was covering her with a sheet and laying her head on a pillow, the movement must have jostled something because a bubble of glowing gas was expelled from her mouth. She then opened her eyes and sat straight up. Coughing a moment, she spit out a small misshapen lump of metal.

"She said, 'Hello, boys,' and was up off the table like a shot. We were so surprised, Gable and I, that we had to run to try and catch up to her. But she outpaced us; amazing runner, that one." He grins at the chuckles and gasps coming from his listeners.

"Then, we heard her begin to power up the shuttle and so we followed the noise to the launch bay. We reached her through the comm system, but she wouldn't listen to reason," Cline tells a rapt audience. Even the Doctor is hanging on his every word now, clinging to Rose's hand. Dougie stands near, grinning like it's Christmas, and Donna is leaning back in Jack's arms, tears standing in her eyes.

"Did she say anything else, Cline?" Roses asks excitedly.

"Did she ever. I'll take her words with me to my grave, I will. She said, 'Sorry, Can't stop. What you gonna do, tell my Dad?'" The Doctor snorts his amusement as Cline continues, "Then I said, 'But where you goin' Genny?' Her reply Doctor, was cheeky and inspiring. We're thinking of having the robots carve it on the walls of the theatre," he says, beaming at them.

"Yes, of course. Great idea. Then what'd she say?" the Doctor asks impatiently.

"Then she said, 'Oh, I've got the whole Universe…planets to save, civilisations to rescue, creatures to defeat, and an awful lot of running to do.' That's it. Then she was gone, right out of the atmosphere," Cline finishes, looking at them expectantly.

Donna bursts into loud tears, turning into Jack's chest. "I told her all that! When she asked what they did for a livin'!"

"Thank you! Thank you so much!" Rose exclaims, first hugging a surprised Gable and then Cline. Turning, she throws herself into the Doctor's arms where he swings her around in joy.

"For once, Rose Tyler, I am so glad I was wrong. Thank you for proving me wrong," he says, kissing the tears from her cheeks.

"Well, if you would learn to listen to your better half, you daft man, we wouldn't be making a habit of this. Let's go find our daughter!" Rose says, dragging him back toward the TARDIS, waving and thanking Gable and Cline.

"We'll be back!" are Rose's parting words, as the sound of the Universe breathing fills the passage and they watch the TARDIS phase out of sight.

"Maybe we should add that to the walls, too. What do you think, Gable?"

"burble," the Hath replies.

"My thoughts exactly. Two exciting days in a row, hope it's not a trend."

"burble, burble."

"Me, too. Let's go see what they're making for supper."


"What do you mean you can't find her, Doctor?" Rose asks, bringing him another cup of tea.

"Exactly that, I can't follow her ion trail because of all the interference from the terraforming. There are so many processes taking place down there that it's masking all traces of her ship," he responds in frustration, scrubbing his face tiredly before accepting the tea from Rose. He's been working at this for several hours.

She slumps down on the jump seat, disappointed. "Do you wonder if she thought we'd abandoned her?" she asks quietly, staring into her cup.

Leaving the Console, he sits down next to her, pulling her close to his side. "Nah. You heard what she said. Those weren't the words of an abandoned girl. They were the words of an excited young woman, raring for her first adventure. We'll find her, Rose, or she'll find us. If she's as jeopardy friendly as you are, I'm sure we'll come across her at some point," he says with a grin, knowing he's about to get swatted.

"Oi!" Rose laughs and swats him on the arm, not wanting to disappoint him. "That goes for you, too. Never one to find trouble or make it more like, are you, Doctor?" she teases him, deliberately poking her tongue through her teeth.

"Oh, Rose Tyler," he sighs, hugging her before getting to his feet as an enormous yawn cracks his face open. "I don't know about you, but I think the companions have the right of it this time. Fancy a bit of sleeping, wife?"

"I think that's a capitol idea, husband. Lead the way," she replies as she tucks her hand through his offered arm, and they make their way through the humming corridors toward the sanctuary of their bedroom.


A/N: Not dead, and they know it! I always thought it was so sad that Jenny lived and the Doctor didn't know, especially since they haven't brought her back yet in the show. And since FF and AU is all about fixing the wrongs that made us sad...here we go! -grin-

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Friday's Chapter: Navigations Beyond Frustration/ The Doctor finally tries his hand at Manifesting with...interesting results. Cheers!