D-day. Cigalong event, the day of answers. I slept uneasily the whole night. I kept twisting and turning around my bed. I picked up my phone to check the time, 8am. There was another message from him.
See you later. Please hear me out. I will explain everything.
I rubbed my hands on my face. Nervous about this whole thing. But I reached the point of exhaustion from all the questions. Now I wanted some answers. Why did he kept saying sorry this whole week? Are we still friends? What now?
For fuck sake Jiaqi. Woman up. We can do this. Jiayou!
We were told to go to the event on the same car since we'll be appearing at the red carpet together. We went down immediately once Xize's manager texted that they arrived. My heart was beating so fast but I still forced my legs to walk.
The door of the van opened, Xize went out to meet me. He looked at me testing to see if it was okay to approach me. I guess my expression was agreeable enough since he walked towards me. I felt his stare washing all over me.
"Hey Jiaqi. You ready?" He said and smiled.
"Hi." I smiled tightly. I was about to walk towards the van when he grabbed my hand and wound it on his.
"You're wearing heels. Let me help you." He said. I smiled at him genuinely this time.
"Thank Xize." This is the big brother I know.
We appeared together at the red carpet and answered some of the hosts questions. We were then led to the main hall where we were seated beside each other.
We chatted for a few times mostly how are yous then talked with the other guests. It's like we're walking on thin glass, trying hard not to break the fragile atmosphere we were trapped in.
When the event finally ended I didn't what Xize's plan was, both of us were tipsy from the glasses of wine we drank awhile ago. And I need the alcohol to properly face him. We were on our way outside, my courage was waning and I wanted to run away. But he grabbed my hands and pulled me quickly onto another hallway.
"Xize, can you slow down for a bit? My feet hurts." I complained. He bent down and carried me like a kid.
"Put me down Xize! Why are you in such a hurry? Someone might see us." I ordered him.
"I've waited long enough for this long overdue explanation. I can't wait any minute longer. No one can see us since this is the employee's area. They're all out there busy with the event." he said still walking.
He entered what seemed to be a stock room and locked the door once he placed me down.
I was so nervous that I felt like my heart was about to explode. He suddenly turned to me and looked at me intensely. He stepped forward, I step back. It was a small room so I was cornered easily on one of the walls.
"Xize, what are you doing? I thought we're talking?"
By this time he had me trap in between his arms. He was leaning forward now. I pushed his chest but he wouldn't budge. I was holding my breath, scared by his actions.
He planted a kiss on my forehead and that's when I exhaled. He leaned his forehead against mine once again.
"You were planning to run away weren't you?" He asked.
I gasped. "I was not." I denied. He place one of his hands on my arm drawing circles with his finger.
"You were running away." He said with finality.
"Yes." I finally admitted.
"Why?" He moved away a bit just to get a clearer look at me. His other hand still resting on the wall near the side of head.
I looked down. "I was afraid." I murmured.
"Look at me Jiaqi." He ordered. I hesitated.
"Look at me." He said once again. I finally raised my head and met his eyes. Xize is gentle, but I never knew he could be so demanding like this.
"What are you afraid of?" He asked me staring intently at my eyes.
I looked down again but this time he caught my chin and made me look back at him.
"Of your answer Xize. I was afraid of your reasons." I admitted.
"Damn it Jiaqi! Is that why you wouldn't let me explain? Why you wouldn't give me the time of the day?" His eyes now filled with disbelief.
I looked away. He finally let go of me, only to pull his hair with his hand out of frustration while pacing around.
"Tell me, why were you afraid of hearing my answers?" He finally asked me after a few minutes of silence. Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes.
"I was afraid of losing you! Of losing our friendship! I was afraid you would tell me that you no longer wanted to be my friend after that. I saw your eyes Xize, you regretted the kiss. You regretted kissing your friend who you treat as your sibling." I finally burst out crying.
He didn't give me anytime to breathe. Suddenly I was pushed back on the wall, his lips ravaging mine. It was so different from the first kiss we shared. He held both of my face and kissed me as if he's pouring out all of his emotions on me. My knees buckled once more from the intensity. He snaked his arm around my waist as my support. When we're finally out of breath, our lips separated but we stayed on the same position.
"Now tell me Jiaqi, do friends kiss their friends that way?" I steadied my breath and looked at him.
"No. But don't you dare say you didn't regret it. I saw it in your eyes. You did it because you were drunk." I told him.
"I wasn't that drunk. I was completely aware of what I was doing. I regretted it. Not because of me realizing my mistake of kissing my friend. But because I wanted to call you mine first before I did any of that." He finally admitted.
"What?" I stepped away from him and turned my back on him.
"So you're saying you like me? I thought I was like your brother? You even called me a lil brother." I added.
"But I didn't see you as one of my friends. I felt more than a guy friend felt for a girl. But I had to make you comfortable with me." He explained.
"Then why did you treat me that way?" I was frustrated by his reasons.
"Because I wanted to earn your trust first. You were terribly hurt by your ex, Jiaqi. We saw a glimpse of your pain when you told us about it. I didn't want to rush you, I wanted to be your friend first before anything else." He confessed.
"But you see, it ended up confusing me even more Xize. Sometimes I had to decode your actions. I wasn't sure if it was for a friend but sometimes it seemed special. I always ignored that fact because I thought we were just friends, and you weren't going to treat me beyond that." I was going all out with my bottled up feelings.
"Why is this an issue anyway Jiaqi? I just told you. I LIKE YOU. I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU." He moved towards me and looked at me, searching my eyes for something.
I stayed silent. Still processing what he said. So he fell for me? I was bottling my feelings all this time when he actually likes me.
"Tell me, Jiaqi. Were you just running away because you were afraid of my reasons or were you afraid that I was actually falling in love with you? Tell me honestly." My breath hitched at that. I looked back at him.
"I was really transparent with my feelings. I complimented you, made you feel special, always asked about your wellbeing. I knew you noticed it. But you kept justifying it, because you're actually afraid to admit that you have feelings for me too." He finally said it, his breathing labored. The words I locked up on my heart. He went and opened the pandora's box. My pandora's box.
I stepped away from him. This feelings were overwhelming me. They were supposed to be locked up but he just opened it without any effort. I can't even find the key to it.
I moved towards the door to escape and was about to open it when he hugged me from the back. He trapped me with his body on the door.
"Xize, let me go. I can't do this. Please." I begged him.
"No. I'm not letting you go. Not now, not ever. Admit it Jiaqi, don't hide behind your shell anymore. Please. I'm here, will you let me in? Can you give me a chance to also protect your heart this time, instead of you doing it all alone?" He said voice filled with unrestrained love.
I cried. I cried out my fears away. He turned me to him and embraced me tightly. I really wanted to let him in. I'm tired of being afraid of someone loving me then hurting me again. I'm tired of living in the shadows of my shell.
