No Dropping the Gay Bomb
The first week in August, the Pikes were leaving for their annual trip to Sea City, NJ, where they spent two weeks every year. The second week in August, I was going to California to visit my dad and Dawn for two weeks. That would be three weeks I wouldn't see Byron.
My flight for California left on a Monday afternoon. Mary Anne offered to take me to the airport so Mom or Richard wouldn't have to miss work. It was fine with mom, who had made no secret about being thrilled that Mary Anne and I had gotten closer this summer. In all honesty, I was pretty happy to get to know Mary Anne. She's very easy to talk to, a great listener.
Before hitting the airport, we stopped at Cabbages and Kings for lunch, Mary Anne insisted on treating. It was the last time we'd get to hang out. Her semester started the day that I got back in to town, so she'd already be gone.
We ate, talked and laughed. All in all I had a great time and I was really going to miss her. At the airport, I gave Mary Anne a big hug. We promised to call and email and generally keep in touch. I hoped we would.
______
I have some problems getting along with my stepmother, Carol. We don't see each other that often, so we try our best to get along when we do. I know she's the reason I got sent back to Stoneybrook. We've never talked about it, and I've never specifically asked, but I'm sure of it. I, admittedly, had some behavioral issues shortly after I first moved to Stoneybrook. I asked to go back to live with dad, and I guess everyone thought I'd start behaving better. But I didn't. By the time I reached middle school, I was already skipping classes, arguing with teachers, getting in fights.
I don't know exactly what happened, but one day, my dad broke the news that I was going back to Stoneybrook. I was furious, pissed. We got in a fight, I threw things, Carol cried. No one ever said anything, but I knew Carol had put my dad up to it. Dad never would have given up on me like that.
I don't skip class or argue with teachers or get in fights anymore. Though I still feel like throwing things quite often. I think Carol knows that. I think Carol knows that I know that she's the one who wanted me out of the house. I think she knows I've never quite forgiven her for it. Whenever it gets cold in Connecticut and I'm trudging to school in inches of snow, freezing my ass off, I'm silently cursing Carol's name, thinking I could be in sunny California if it wasn't for her. So where does this leave me? It leaves me feeling awkward and not especially loving toward my stepmother. It leaves her feeling awkward around me, and it leaves her feeling like I'm still a bad kid, out to be a horrible influence on Gracie.
Other than dealing with Carol, California is great. What can I say? The weather was beautiful, the beach was awesome. I got to surf, which I hadn't done in over a year. Dawn took my first week there off work and we hung out nonstop. We went to the beach and we even took Gracie to Disneyland. I don't think I had been to Disneyland since I was eleven. Taking a seven year old is exhausting.
The whole time I was missing Byron. The whole time I was trying to build up the nerve to tell Dawn or my dad that I'm gay. I don't know why my stomach lurched every time I thought about it. She's my sister, she's incredibly open-minded and is every bit as easy to talk to as Mary Anne.
One night a week after I got there, the phone rang. Dawn came in to my room carrying the cordless phone, she had a weird look on her face. "It's Byron Pike," she said handing me the phone. My cell phone battery died, and I had left the charger in Connecticut. I was trying to make do without it.
I took it and waved her out the door, closing it behind her. "Byron?"
"Hey!" He said. " How's California? Where is your cell phone?" He demanded.
I laughed and told him about the charger, "How was Sea City?" And did you see Alex, I thought, but didn't say.
"Well." he said and stopped for a pause. "There is some pretty crazy Pike news."
"Hmm?" I asked, not quite knowing what to expect, but wondering if he told anyone in his family he's gay.
"Mallory's pregnant."
I sat bolt upright. "What?" I asked, completely shocked.
"I know, right?" He didn't say anything and I could picture him chewing on his lower lip. "Some guy she met in Europe. In Germany."
I counted on my fingers. "But that was over two months ago! She must have known for a while, right?"
Byron sighed, "Yeah, I guess she has."
"Is it to late for her to..." I paused, unsure of how to put this delicately.
"She doesn't want an abortion. Evidently." Byron answered. He always knows what I'm thinking. "She says she's giving the baby up for adoption."
"Like Juno?" I asked.
Byron snickered. "Yeah, Adam and Jordan have already started calling her Juno. And they convinced me to learn that song from the soundtrack, you know "I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, bu-ut you," he sang.
I laughed. "So the Pikes are handling this in the same Pikey way? Make a joke, don't take anything too seriously, support the other Pikes."
"Well some of us are. We had an uncomfortable ride home from Sea City yesterday."
"How?" I asked.
"Oh, god. It was awful," he began. "None of us knew about Mallory yet. We just knew that the night before she closed herself in mom and dad's room for like two hours and they refused to be disturbed for anything. Then yesterday morning we were packing up to leave and Mom and Dad were completely grim-faced. Dad announced that all the boys were going to be riding back home with him, and the girls with Mom. Which was weird because we never break it up that way, you know Jordan and Nicky need to be separated. But Dad was acting so weird so nobody argued. So me, Adam, Jordan and Nicky get in to Dad's minivan. I was riding in the front seat, Nicky and Adam were in the middle and Jordan was in the third row. We start driving and everything is quiet for a few minutes and Dad suddenly starts talking." Byron took a breath.
"How'd he say it?" I asked. I'm not much of a gossip, but this was big news.
"Well, I don't remember what his exact words were. But he was just like, 'OK guys, you know Mallory hasn't been feeling well lately,' which I mean, duh. We all noticed that. Plus she had been acting like a total bitch and we all definitely noticed that. But none of us said anything and dad was waiting for us, so I was kinda like 'Yeah,' so Dad went on. 'Well, it's because she's pregnant.' And no one said anything for a minute and I turned and looked at my dad, and he was staring straight out at the road, because obviously he was driving, but also he just wouldn't even glance at me, or in the rearview mirror at any of the other guys. So finally Nicky was like, 'um, what?' and then Dad did finally glance in the mirror and was like, 'you heard me.' So then I asked 'Who?' and Dad was like, 'A boy she met in Germany.' So everything goes real quiet again and it's all quiet for a few minutes and no one knows what to say. So then Dad says 'She's planning on giving it up for adoption,' and oh my god, his voice broke. I looked away from him because I just knew he was going to cry. Then it was quiet for another long time. Then I guess he composed himself and he went on about how we aren't supposed to bother her and we have to be nice to her. And he told us that she's still going to Syracuse for one semester, but she's going to take her second semester off, and I guess she's going to have this baby in March. Then she'll go back to Syracuse next fall. She doesn't want it to interfere with too much of the rest of her life, blah blah blah."
"Holy shit." I couldn't even think of anything else to say.
"Oh it gets worse." Byron said.
"You're kidding."
"Oh no. Things got way more uncomfortable. Dad decided the ride home, when we are all trapped in the car and couldn't escape would be the perfect time to have the sex talk. Which, you know my dad has talked to us about sex a little bit" (I was surprised because none of my parents had ever even mentioned the word sex to me.) "But this was insane. And of course the whole time I want to scream out that it doesn't involve me because I am never going to get a girl pregnant unless I, like, donate my sperm or something. But of course I don't say anything, I'm just sitting there completely uncomfortable. And he is going on about how sex is a natural part of life, and now that we're teenagers we're all probably thinking about it and it's nothing to be ashamed of. But we really need to wait until we meet someone we love, we shouldn't be having casual sex because that isn't respecting yourself and it's not respecting the girl. Oh god, then he pulls out this bag and it has a box of condoms in it."
"What?" I asked. I started laughing, I couldn't help myself.
Byron started laughing too. And he continued talking, but his voice was shaking with laughter. "Yeah and he's saying how we need to always be prepared and he wants us to keep one in our wallet. But don't let it get old because they can like expire or something. And he wants to know if we need to know how to use one."
"Oh, ew," I said, shuddering at the thought of Mr. Pike having to explain how to use a condom.
"Totally uncomfortable. But I kind of turned around in my seat and I saw Jordan way back there in the third row and his face was beat red and he was trying so hard not to laugh. You know how you just want to laugh when things get too intense sometimes? Well all of us are like that. Even my parents, but my dad was like stony silent. So I had to bite my lip because I had the urge to laugh also. So we were kind of like 'Yeah, OK dad. We promise to be careful, or whatever,' and he seemed pretty satisfied that he had done his good parental duty. Then Jordan says something that was just fucking stupid. I don't even remember exactly what he said, but something about girls getting knocked up. And my dad completely lost his shit. I've never seen him get so angry.
"At what? I mean, Jordan acts like an asshole all the time. Your dad should be used to it by now," I said.
"Well, Dad pulls the minivan over to the road and turns around, so he's looking at Jordan, and he says something like 'Let me tell you, girls don't just get knocked up, somebody does the knocking up.' and Jordan at least had the brains to look ashamed. Because it's true you know, Mallory didn't just go out there and get pregnant on her own. Some fucking guy in Germany did it. Well, they both did, but he's getting off scot-free isn't he?"
"So Mallory doesn't even know the guy?" I asked incredulously. That really didn't seem like Mallory, who always seemed like such a good girl.
"Not really. There is some vague connection. Like Mallory's German friend's roommate's brother or something. Mallory's going to try to get a hold of him, but really what's he going to do? Try to raise some kid on his own? He'll probably be fucking relieved she's giving it up."
"Yeah," I said quietly. "God. Poor Mallory."
"Mmm-hmm," Byron said. "And it sure isn't the right time to be dropping the gay bomb around here."
"Yeah, I get that." I thought for a minute. "Do you think Mallory'd be mad if I told Dawn?"
"No. She'd probably love to hear from her. I think she needs support and most of us just don't know what to do. Except make inappropriate Juno jokes."
Byron and I talked for a few more minutes about our vacations. I wanted to ask him if Alex was there, but I didn't want to seem jealous. So I kept quiet on that topic. Eventually we had to hang up. I was going to see him in a week.
___
Dawn's bedroom door was open. I walked in, she was on her knees cleaning out her closet. I shut the door behind me. Dawn looked up, I guess she was surprised I had shut the door.
"Mallory Pike is pregnant," I said.
Dawn dropped the shirt she was holding and stood up. "What?," she asked.
"Pregnant. Mallory." I reiterated.
"By who?"
I shrugged, "Some guy from her trip to Europe. A German guy. She's giving the baby up for adoption."
"Are you kidding me?," Dawn asked, her eyes as wide as saucers. "Mallory? Mallory?"
"Yeah," I said uncomfortably. "Byron just told me." And I went into as much detail as I knew, minus the whole Mr. Pike/condom story. I finished with the fact that she'd love to hear from her friends for moral support, at which Dawn nodded her head vigorously.
"God," Dawn said shaking her head. "I can't believe it. Mallory. Of all people." She started reaching for her phone.
"Wait," I said a little too loudly. "I have something else I want to tell you."
"Bigger than this?" Dawn asked incredulously.
"Not to me it's not. But it might be to you," I said nervously.
Dawn didn't say anything, just gave me a look that said 'spit it out.'
"I'm gay," I said. And Dawn stopped reaching for her phone.
_______
After I said it, I have no idea why my eyes welled up with tears. I think it was possibly from relief of having finally told her, but it was also could have been the realization that our lives and relationship could change forever based on what I just said. I closed my eyes and took a deep calming breath, waiting for Dawn to say something. But she was silent.
I opened my eyes and saw Dawn staring at me. Finally she whispered, "Jeff....God," and walked over to me to envelope me in a huge hug. "Are you serious?" she asked, no longer whispering.
I nodded, "Yeah."
"OK, well." She didn't quite seem to know what to say. This is not like Dawn, I would have expected her to be talking a mile a minute.
I stepped back and shoved my hands in to my pockets. "Are you mad?" I asked.
Dawn looked confused, "Why would I be mad?"
I shrugged. "You just aren't saying anything."
"I'm just shocked is all. You just don't seem like..." She stopped suddenly. I knew what she was thinking, but I wanted her to go on. "You're not like Ducky, you know? You meet him and it's like 'Oh, that guy is gay.' You know?"
"Mmm-hmm." I said. I knew exactly what she meant, because God, I definitely thought that about Ducky too. I found his whole demeanor irritating. "Well, I'm not Ducky. And I wouldn't meet you or someone like you and think, 'Oh she must be straight,' because it's not even how I think. Straight people can act any way they want, but I have to act a certain way because I'm gay?"
"God, no Jeff." Dawn put her head in her hands. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm really shocked here, you know? I don't know what I'm saying. I mean, duh, of course you don't have to be like Ducky." She stopped and started chewing on the inside of her cheek. Neither one of us said anything for a moment and she finally spoke again. "You know I love you and support you, and this doesn't change anything between us, right?"
Now that was what I wanted to hear from her. I let out a huge sigh of relief and suddenly my stomach was empty of the butterflies that I hadn't even realized were there. "Almost no one knows. No one at home, except Mary Anne."
"Mary Anne knows?" Dawn asked and it suddenly occurred to me that Dawn might not like it that Mary Anne knew before her.
"She found out accidentally," I quickly said to reassure her. "Earlier this summer, she walked in on me and-" I stopped suddenly. "She walked in on me and someone in, um, a kind of compromising position."
"Really?" Dawn asked and I could see the love of gossip glowing beneath her eyes. "Who?"
I shook my head, "It's not important."
"Yeah it is," she said. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
I smiled. "He's not out. And I can't out him to my family until he outs himself to his own family. That's our rule. Mary Anne knows only because she saw us. And we're much more careful now. And I don't want you to bug Mary Anne about it, because she has been sworn to absolute secrecy. And I just need....I just need you to respect that."
"OK, I can respect that," Dawn said, but she looked a little disappointed. "Soo...can you tell me about it?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Well. How long have you known?"
Why was this so fascinating to people? It was practically Mary Anne's first question too. I answered her questions as honestly as I could. Then I mentioned, "I'm going to tell Dad and Carol before I leave here."
Dawn made a face. "Are you sure?"
"That's my plan, why?" I asked her, surprised that Dawn would think I should keep it a secret.
"Well, you remember that California had the whole Proposition 8 battle during last year's election?" When I nodded, Dawn continued. "Well, Carol voted for it."
"For it?" I asked. "Like against gay marriage?"
Dawn nodded. "She and I got in to some ugly fights over it too. I couldn't believe she could be incredibly closed minded, but she really is. Jeff, she really thinks that gay people are gay by choice! She really thinks that gay people getting married will quote destroy the sanctity of marriage unquote. I pointed out to her that marrying a guy who has been divorced for all of a year isn't exactly in following with a sanctimonious marriage." She paused for a breath. "It made her cry when I said that. But I don't even care. It's just bigotry, isn't it? And ignorance, absolute ignorance!"
There's the Dawn that I know. Finding an issue and sticking up for it until she makes her opponents cry. God, too bad she isn't pre-law, she could have Supreme Court Justices terrified.
"So you think I shouldn't tell?" I asked. I was a little worried now, because this sure wasn't my plan.
She shrugged. "It's really up to you Jeff. You just have to think about what you're going to say and how you're going to defend yourself."
Well, hell. I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't thought that when this moment came I might have to defend who I am. Not to my stepmother, anyway. Someone who is supposed to love me.
And so, my time in California came to an end. And I never told Dad or Carol. I'm such a chickenshit.
